Relationships

How can I let go of all this hurt and anger?

i’m 31 year old female and i have a lot of hurt and anger towards my boyfriend. a lot of hurtful stuff was done and said between 9 years of our relationship. we both cried and talked about the problems we have been facing. he followed a bunch of bikini girls on instagram and liked a bunch of their pictures, he DMed a bunch complimenting them on their looks, he has said a bunch of hurtful things to me when he is angry and drunk. it’s been that way for 8 years. he finally hit a point to where he wants to change the way he is bc it was getting him no where. i prayed for a long time for him to be a better person and now that it’s here, I don't know how to handle it. all i know is the man who never respected me. all the hurtful words are in my head. so now when i talk to him all i am is defensive and have an attitude towards him. i think i’m this way is to protect my head and my heart since the way he was is all i know. i really have no idea who i am anymore. i look myself in the mirror and i don’t recognize who i am. i used to be happy, now i’m not. i made him my whole world, i stopped talking to my friends, i stopped doing what i enjoyed, i don’t have a job. i hate who i am. i can only blame myself. i don’t have money for a therapist so i’m struggling really hard to be myself again. i want to change so badly but I don't know how, I don't know what to do. anyone on here who can give me advice will be so helpful.
How can I let go of all this hurt and anger?
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