I've fallen for a friend, but she has a boyfriend. I think she may be interested in me. It's starting to drag me down, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

I'll try to summarise here:

Both 32. She's been in a relationship for 9 years. I don't think she's all that happy, mutual friends don't think she's all that happy. He's military, never home, and when he is he does his own thing, makes a mess then leaves again. Often makes big life decisions without her and expects her to follow along. She's even mentioned before she's keeping an open mind about the future of the relationship.

Known each other 2 years. I've always had a crush, we've always got on well. A few months ago we suddenly got a lot closer. Spend a lot more time together. Dinner dates, fun activities out, cooking for each other at her place. Couple of nights a week.

There's some light flirty physical contact from her, I'm trying to hold back on this whilst she's still in her relationship so I haven't escalated. There's a lot of pretty intense eye contact. The usual flirty banter going on.

She invited her to be her valentines date and suggested we cook something together. This fell through because he's going to be home now. This morning she sends me a photo of the breakfast he cooked her. She doesn't tend to text a lot when he's home.

I'm surprised he hasn't kicked off about the amount of time we spend together. Other friends have noticed it. I'm pretty sure he knows when I'm round.

Sometimes seems like mixed signals.

I'm thinking of just raising the question to her, asking if he is OK with us spending so much time together as I feel we may be crossing a boundary.

I get the feeling she's settling in this relationship. She's not a terribly insecure person, but I know she doesn't like to be alone for long periods of time. I'm making assumptions here, but I think the idea of her being single scares her.

I value her friendship and don't want to ruin it. I am confident if I bring this up the right way there is enough respect for us to not ruin it. I just don't want to stop hanging out with her, she's one of my best friends.

How do I proceed?

[SueShe]

Keep your fingers off and the rest as well.

She is in a relationship and even if it is not a happy relationship, it is of no business of yours to tempt her to make it even worse. What you are doing is nothing more attempting to wreck a home.

This is only your assumption that their relationship is not going well and by keeping such a close relationship with her, you make it worse and you create suspicions.

It is certainly not a healthy development for either party. You are practically forcing her to be unfaithful by revolving around her like a bee around a honeypot.

Simply distance yourself from her. What is so difficult about it? Have a minimum of decency and put your hormones on hold.

[Asker]

Thank you for reading and giving a full answer.

I never wanted to put myself in a situation where I was attempting to wreck a home. It just kind of naturally happened and I don't know why. I don't think I'm forcing any unfaithfulness, we both enjoy each others company and it is certainly a two sided thing here.

I know distance is wise, I just struggle to see how I can do that. She's one of my closest friends. I don't want to walk away from what is a great friendship... But equally it's very difficult to hang around her and not naturally be how we are together.

[SueShe]

You realize that the second you get intimate is the second you lose your friendship and your best friend. There will be no going back to the old status, ever again.

Think! what will happen in a few weeks, months or years when both go a different way? Not only will you have lost a friend but a lover as well. Weigh out the pros and cons...

[Asker]

You raise a good point there.

I wish things never went like this and I could just enjoy her friendship, as friends. Whatever happens, I just can't see a positive outcome of this :(

[SueShe]

Yes, there is a positive outcome. You may not see it as positive but if you don't get intimate, you prioritize friendship and that is something that very few people would do. You prioritize dignity and decency over anything else. That is invaluable.

That would make you a hero in may people's eyes.

Also, she may sever her relationship from her boyfriend independently from what is going on right now. That would make her available and if something happens afterwards, not only would you get what you are seeking but also, you would have a clear conscience.

[Asker]

Yeah. I guess I need to work on holding back and controlling my feelings. And not hold onto that hope as well.

I appreciate your input, thank you.

[virtual_girl]

Let's say she does end up splitting from the man she's been in a relationship with for almost a decade and gives you a chance, what makes you think she wouldn't do this to you? Go on dinner dates with other guys etc

Realistically, she won't leave this man. She's already been with him this long. He goes away on work to earn good money and afford her a cushy lifestyle. If he is not concerned about you then he likely perceives you as a non-threat/ beta.

No offence, you're being an orbiter. I'd back off and find your own girlfriend. You are worth more than to be involved in this situation.

[Asker]

All good points. Yes, there would always be a concern that she would do the same to me. But that's a concern that would be present in any relationship.

Most of the time he's away WITH work, but FOR fun. I highly doubt finances come into it for her, she pays for her own house and her own way. She's not in it for a cushy lifestyle.

I do agree backing off is the correct move in some form. I don't want to just disappear because we're good friends and we always have a good laugh with each other. I'm curious if I should perhaps say something like "things have clearly changed between us, I want to continue hanging out, but we need to lay some boundaries".

[virtual_girl]

I wouldn't say anything, it'd come off weird. Distance yourself. You don't have to block her, just stop seeing her as a potential mate. If she hasn't monkey branched to you in the two years you've know each other it is never going to happen. Only hang out with her in group settings and stop messaging her all the time.

If I were her and in her situation I would not date you if my relationship ended. As I said, you are an orbiter and not potential boyfriend material. Find a new lady, that is available.

[Asker]

How would you suggest I handle backing off like this? She initiates a lot of texting and invites me out and to her place. If I suddenly stop responding to her and always have an excuse to say no, she's going to know something is up. How can I get out of this smoothly?

[virtual_girl]

My friend, as a woman... I highly doubt she would care that much. Most women have at least 5-10 orbiters going on at any given moment. You, her most loyal and faithful orbiter going your own way - another orbiter will take your place.

If you died tomorrow, what a shame it'd be you spent the last years of your life chasing another man's woman of almost ten years.

Focus on improving yourself and finding a SINGLE not TAKEN woman who would jump at the opportunity to date you. Stop focusing on her and how you can let her down gently. She's not your girlfriend, you owe her nothing. Wake up, pull your head in, you've got this!

[Asker]

I appreciate your input here, but I know she will care. She doesn't have 5-10 other "orbitors". We share the same social circle, and it's not massive. Outside of work, she spends most of her time we me, her partner or home alone. The rest of the friend group she only sees when we do group gatherings. She's one of the most genuine people I know and she chooses her friends carefully, as do I.

Think we may see this situation entirely differently. You keep calling me an orbitor... Why? I'm just a guy, who had a female friendship, a mutual and equal friendship that seems to have grown deeper. I spend time with her because I enjoy her company, and she clearly enjoys mine.

Something needs to be done, yes. But walking away from two years of amazing friendship because I have let myself get too close is madness. I'm simply trying to work out how to deal with my feelings and maintain what we have without blowing everything up and without causing myself any hurt in the long term.

[mobiusforniner]

You keep saying she's yours friend. She is not your friend, and your continued presence in her life is causing confusion and disrupting her relationship.

You say you have feelings for her. But love, is truly selfless. If you love her, you let her go.

I faced a similar situation. I was honest and told her I fell in love eith her and i needed to go away. i cut all contact and never saw her again

[Asker]

I do think cutting all contact is a bit extreme. We are friends, we were friends long before I developed these feelings for her.

I do agree that I am probably causing disruption though. I'm thinking I should do similar to what you did, be honest and tell her. But rather than walk away, set some boundaries and let her decide if its too much for us to keep seeing each other.

[mobiusforniner]

Once you confess your love to someone, there's no going backwards. there's no more friendship. I did it only because I didn't want her to hate me or be confused for me needing to walk away.

with the flirting and touching, she knows what she is doing. So leave that ball in her court. Show you respect her relationship, tell her what you feel and its up to her what she wants.

[Asker]

Yeah, she knows what she's doing. And I'm sure she already knows how I'm feeling.

Do you regret telling her and having to walk away? Would you have done it differently if you could go back?

[mobiusforniner]

It hurt like hell man. Because I genuinely fell in love with her. And to realize, love meant letting go for her happiness, it taught me what real love meant.

Its been a long time. I still think about her even though im married with kids. These kinda things you dont forget, they just kind of make you who you are. It hurt her too.

But id rather go through life having made thst jump and facing the result. I feel more honest. Strong. And not afraid to tell someone how i feel. And for that, no i do not regret it. And weirdly enough, if I could so it again, knowing the end result, I would.

Its what makes us human

[Asker]

Wow. Thank you for the candid honesty there. This has given me hope :)

[Guy13]

Find out if she has a boyfriend and if she says no them move on it right there. This is a great opportunity. Don't be so negative as she will pick-up o that Vibe. Good luck with it.

[Asker]

As mentioned in post, she is in a long term relationship but I don't think it's all that happy.

[Guy13]

Rarely is a woman all-in in a long-term relationship if you are getting a Vibe that she likes you. Unless you are imagining it and I think that is what's going on. Go chase another woman with that imagination...

[Asker]

What makes you think I am imagining it?

[Asker]

I only ask, because I had a similar situation years ago. This girl was my best friends woman though, absolute no go. 3 years I thought I was just imagining it and kept my distance. Then she broke up with him and told me it was because for the last 3 years she's been thinking of me and not him.

[Wise4myage]

Move on to other girls and stay away from this one.

[Asker]

Not as easy as that, she's one of my best friends.

[Wise4myage]

Then just focus on other girls, or tell her the truth.

[Anonymous]

Move on and stop talking with them.

[Asker]

Not as easy as that, she's one of my best friends.