How to maturely deal with boyfriend having a girl best friend?

Question

To make it clear, I trust him and I know nothing will happen between them. I’m bothered by the intimate moments they share just with each other. I haven’t met her bc she lives a bit far. They would always travel together, cook together, everytime he drives 5 hrs to see her. He won’t stop talking about how much she means to him and how they share the same bed singing their favorite song together. He plays that song in the car and says he misses her. It makes me feel less important as a girlfriend and I cry myself to sleep thinking about this.

So, how to maturely deal with boyfriend having a girl best friend?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

I think you should also be up-front with your boyfriend about how you feel.

To be honest... I'm someone who has had a female best friend... at most points in my life actually. But... this guy is PARTICULARILY close with his best friend.

I mean... I KNOW that every single girlfriend I've ever had dealt with this. But... I would like to think that I wasn't being quite as obtuse or insensitive to my girlfriend's feelings as your boyfriend seems to be.

Now, I assume that all the stuff you're describing (the traveling together, cooking together, sharing a bed etc.) is all stuff that happened before you and he got together. I'm assuming that these are parts of the friendship they've had... but IN THE PAST. If that's not the case... then... you've got yourself a problem. But I'm going to assume that it is.

So, you are absolutely right about "boundaries" and it being fair to expect your boyfriend to maintain appropriate ones... now that he's with you. Now, in reality, this is probably a non-issue. They share a bed, and there's (in reality) no chance anything is going to happen. That would be... almost incestuous. There's no sexual tension, nothing. I've been there, I've done that. WHEN SINGLE.

But, despite the reality that there is zero chance of anything happening... I would NEVER do that if I were in a relationship. That would be highly inappropriate.

You need to have an actual talk about boundaries between him and his best friend. You should feel confident that you two are on EXACTLY the same page when it comes to 'boundaries' or 'behavioral expectations'. That's a totally fair conversation to have. And I think you really should have it.

My guess is that a lot of the things that make you uneasy are things he and shared with his best friend in the past. But I would be willing to bet that IN THE PRESENT he is not close to this best friend in quite the same way, now that you're his girlfriend. I'm sure they're still close... but what I'm saying is... it really is the PAST that's making you uneasy more than how he's actually acting now... right? (that's a genuine question, not rhetorical).

You know why I might have been more sensitive to saying things about "how much my female best friend means to me" and yadda yadda yadda? When I was a kid. Like maybe 13... my "girlfriend" at the time (who was super sweet and kind usually) lost her shit on me about this. She basically gave me a long-angry version of what your central point was here: "it makes me feel less important as a girlfriend".

And I had nothing to say to that... except to admit that she was absolutely right, and to apologize for not having realized that I was making her feel that way. But I immediately saw what she was talking about. It's not like I didn't get it. I didn't SEE IT while I was doing it. But as soon as she called-me-out... I could see that I was being an asshole. I was just... oblivious to how I was making her feel (but I shouldn't have been. Even as a kid. This isn't complicated).

Since then, I've been a lot more conscious about what I choose to say about my female friend, and how that might make my girlfriend feel.

But... your boyfriend has no idea that you're crying yourself to sleep over this. Do you know how badly he'd feel if he had any idea how he was making YOU feel? Holy shit... he does NOT want to be hurting you. He doesn't realize that he is hurting you.

You're willing to be "mature" about this. And that's great. But that doesn't mean that you need to accept feeling like you're not the most important girl in your boyfriend's life. You have valid concerns, and you shouldn't be afraid to bring them up with your boyfriend.

You can't keep going on feeling like this. It's not fair to you. And it's not fair to him either. If he knew what he was doing to you, he would stop. You really need to talk to him. 🙂

tallblondejohm · Accepted Answer

Ask them if they want to have a threesome. If they say yes then you may want to be worried. If they say no. Then you probably have nothing to worry about

Beatrix7 · Accepted Answer

my ex said to me he had friends that where girl and i found out he ended up starting a new relashionship with one and one night stand with another have a think mines always said no i wouldn't do that but i watched him like a hawk when i was around him he said look at the ass on her to me at a girl running by jogging and he said to me would u ever have a threesome i knew he was a basterd he's now with the new girlfriend but has another one behind her back go with your gut feeling and pretend things ask him like you mean it want a threesome mine had pictures of his friends that where girls in his phone he showed me when he was drunk my sister said if they where his friends he wouldn't still have them in his phone if he wasn't cheating u are his girlfriend ask him to proove it you have a right hunni

Anemone978 · Accepted Answer

I just personally wouldn't date a guy that cared about a girl best friend like that.. it seems a bit excessive, especially the driving 5 hrs to go see her and sleeping in the same bed? why not just call? why is he still visiting when he has a girlfriend?

Guy13 · Answer

Obviously they are attracted to one another or they would not be friends. You are lying to yourself to think otherwise. Do you hang out with males guys as friends. if not, why? No guy would tolerate it and you know guys are horny dogs chasing skirt.
🚩🚩🚩🚩. He is giving his emotions and intimate thought to someone else. You are Second in his life.

I refuse to date a woman with a male Bestie.

loveslongnails · Answer

"He won’t stop talking about how much she means to him" - dumb boyfriend
" how they share the same bed singing their favorite song together." - dumber boyfriend
"He plays that song in the car and says he misses her." - Boyfriend getting dumber by the second
"It makes me feel less important as a girlfriend" --- that's because you are less important in his life - you're a convenience.
" and I cry myself to sleep thinking about this." - That's your fault for not recognizing what all of the above means.

Look, I'm not saying you can't have very close friends of the opposite sex, but when you gush about it to a girlfriend or boyfriend, it's not only insensitive, it's an indication that their "friendship" and your girlfriend/boy-friendship are not on the same level. One seems like a convenience, the other seems like a real want or even a need.

The best advice ever about relationships is this: "Never make someone your priority when you are their option". If you're crying yourself to sleep, that's what you're doing.

SphynxUK · Answer

It’s a tough one. My closest friend is a straight male. I can say I have slept in the same bed as him on a few occasions. Nothing has happened because he is my friend and we have boundaries. We sleep. Not many people believe or can accept this.
I don’t know if your boyfriend is exactly like me and my friend, or if he is lying to you. I do not always talk about my friend or say I miss him. He is
Not constantly in my mind. Yes we have in jokes and suchlike but he’s not the centre of my universe. He’s a good friend.

Pegases · Answer

If she was his best friend before you, and you care about him, then why make it more complicated than it needs to be? Sure. It's unusual, but not completely unheard of. The key I'd say is to befriend her as well. This is what men often face with women that have best friends. The woman tells them everything, advises them on everything, and often sabotage the relationship if I as a man am not friendly with them. So its in your best interest to be friends with her as well. Then she becomes an ally, and you both share love for the person whom you both have in common.

LickwidSkie · Answer

It's one thing to have a friend of the opposite sex. It's another to obsess over them like that. It sounds like there's a very strong possibility they're hooking up when he goes to see her. This isn't normal and you're right to be bothered. I guarantee he knows how much talking about her like that hurts you. Maybe you should consider the possibility he enjoys throwing it in your face and hurting you, and maybe he's not the person you want to believe he is. Do you think it's possible he's with you because he can't be with her constantly since she's 5 hours away? Unfaithful, mentally/emotionally abusive users aren't uncommon. I've said this based on your post, so obviously there's a lot I don't know. Maybe it would benefit you to try setting your feelings for him aside and looking at it from a less biased perspective... because I have to tell you, from an outside observer's point of view that sounds terrible and beyond suspicious.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I don't know... I see red flags and don't understand how you're dealing with it... you obviously see the red flags too.

Like seriously if it were me in your shoes with some chick... for shits and giggles let's imagine your dude's chick friend is my chick... I'd be assuming she's sleeping with that guy and I'd probably be multi-cheating unless I left her for someone that doesn't sing songs with some other dude in bed.

I mean put it into perspective... too many red flags. Normal dudes don't even do that shit with their sisters. You're seeing red flags... and I agree with you not thinking that's an "okay" sort of thing.

Kaneki05 · Answer

He picked you not her to date. There is a reason for that. And unless he's really dumb it's not because he has feelings for her that would serve him no purpose and actively hurt his chances with her.
At the end of the day unless something is actually going on. That's a you issue, now that's not say your feelings are wrong no by all means if you feel uncomfortable then you should decide to leave find someone who thinks on the same level as you about those boundaries. But if you want to work it out then you've gotta figure that yourself.

SunnyRS · Answer

If you think nothing is going to happen between them then that's a good sign, cause you trust him, the issue here is that you are jealous about the time they spend together, which makes you feel less appreciated.
You should have a talk with your boyfriend explaining that you would like to spend some more time with him and try to meet his girl best friend as well so that you all can do activities together making you part of their friendship.
This way you will have your boyfriend with you, get a new friend and know what are they doing as well.

Finchie40 · Answer

You need to dump his ass , when a guy truly values and loves his girlfriend he distances himself from other girls period to respect and value the girl he gave his heart to , the same way he expects her to do for him if she has guy friends , Guys and Girls can not be friends period , they can be acquaintances but they can not be close friends, sadly to say your boyfriend is playing you and doesn’t value you like you value him , you deserve better than that , it’s called respect for each other don’t let people tell you otherwise cuz it’s a load of shit , No guy invests a lot of time with a girl that he doesn’t want to fuck and he is probably already fucking her , Kick his ass to the curb , don’t fall for that shit

Wade12345 · Answer

Your boyfriend should not be sleeping in the same bed with another woman. That's completely setting them up for intercourse even if they don't normally think about themselves that way.

I heard of a couple who was together 8 years, and one day the guy had sex with his girl best friend and got her pregnant on the FIRST TIME with her. He was on a christian internet forum asking for advice. The other men told him not to admit to his fiance that he had done this. I told him he was required to not only admit it, but pay child support to the second woman.

Fair warning, girl, dump this dude or at least demand he STOP sleeping with other women. lol.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

My best friend is a girl, too but, she's like a little sister, to me. As far as I'm concerned, we COULD spend the night together in the same bed completely naked and nothing would happen. One night, I spent the evening over at her place and we just sat arm in arm listening to music for about 3 hours. The most that happened was that I kissed her once on top of her head. Mostly, because I was so used to being with my ex-fiance for the previous 10 years, I forgot myself and did it out of habit.

kinggeorge007 · Answer

Having a girl best friend is fine, but sounds like they are too close than that. That is also fine. Because some best friends are inseparable. Look in to their background and history.

If I had a girlfriend and a girl best friend, I would keep at least a tiny bit of boundary with the best friend. Driving 5 hours to see her is fine if it happens once in a while but other stuff like always saying he missed him makes me wondering why. Then again, he says these things with YOU. That's a PLUS.

But remember there are pretty fine actors/manipulators. So better check their story out.

LiliTyaka · Answer

Ufff okay this sounds already way over the top, the part that they sleep together in the same bed would definetly worry me and i wouldn't want that, my boyfriend is doing such thing to me. Besides that i am not bothered at all if my partner has a best friend why not i realy dont care but where i start caring is when the lines of "normal" friendships are crossed. And it sounds clearly like this happens there.

But please let me give you a tip please speak with your boyfriend about how you are feeling tell him that you lay crying in bed tell him you feel less important as his girlfriend be open with him possible it can change something.

I hope it goes well again for you

Anonymous · Answer

Well it all comes down to this. Have they ever done it in the past and been more than friends? If yes, you got things to worry about. If honestly no you have nothing to worry about. If he’s a straight male he wouldn’t have tortured himself in the friéndzone for years on end. No way. Someone would have made a move at some point but that doesn’t sound like the case.

I have a long time female friend who I have zero sexual interest in. She’s not unattractive but she really just isn’t my type. My mind does NOT even ever go there. We have shared a bed a few times and didn’t think twice about it. I’ve seen her topless and quickly looked away thinking nothing of it. I’ve been in her house where another guy was banging her one room over and didn’t feel an ounce of jealousy.

No these connections between hetero men and women are very rare but they do exist. That might be his case.

AydenHazor · Answer

I have in here expecting to tell you that you have nothing to worry about, but the most concerning part to me is them sharing a bed. I have a lot of very close friends who are women, and sharing a bed is a boundary none of us have crossed. It is also concerning that he doesn't do talking about her. It wouldn't be a concern if it were intermittent, but it sounds like he talks about her more than he talks about the two of you, which could be a sign of where his heart actually lies. Have you talked to him about this at all?

Anonymous · Answer

i don't care if you trust him, YOU should ultimately be his best friend and also lover. like... if you don't have the same dynamic he has with this girl... then you are in trouble. i'm just saying... i'd ultimately say you should move on to a new relationship eventually because it sounds like he holds this girl higher than you and that's not fair.

CubsterShura · Answer

If you genuinely feel like you are not being treated as special, then I'm afraid he really is the problem here. Not saying that it means he just be cheating, but he is not getting his priorities right.

Jealousy is normal and natural. Everyone feels it to some degree. Even people in polygamous relationships go through it. But if it is making you cry at night, that's concerning.

Trust your instincts.

lightbulb27 · Answer

I vote for kicking him in the foot balls... it will improve his thinking.

This is not acceptable girl best friend, too close, it's emotional affair. There's ways to fix it. He needs to include you in all communicaions, constantly reference good things about you, always say "we" not "I", you have free access. Laying in bed blah blah... that is over. Stucture your own boundaries...

Otherwise, return to option #1.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Not respectful to you. I dealt with that. She is now gone and he and I are married…

but it was 5 years of tortured to get to our happy place.

you have to put your foot down if he wants you. He has to cut her off.
if nit, you have to care for your feelings to move on to a man who will only give yiu his 💯.
female friends who you both hang out and respect is okay…

what you wrote is not acceptable in romantic relationships.

DeeDeeDeVour · Answer

I don't think any advice you'l hear will matter because whether it's this boyfriend in the present or another boyfriend in the future, this situation (of having a female best friend) will always eat you up.

Otherwise, learn to love her like you would love a sister.

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