Am I right to feel upset and jealous when I catch my boyfriend staring and checking out other females?

[MollyB2939]

So I’ve been with my boyfriend coming up to a year. We are in a long distance relationship so we don’t really get to see each other that often. I’ve noticed when we are together out in public, at the shops or at the gym, he will stare at other females. It makes me feel so unwanted and insecure like I’m never good enough and then I start comparing myself to these girls he is checking out. The other day I was at the gym with him and there were these two young girls working out on a mat near us. One of them was pushing her butt up in the air and wearing revealing gym clothes. I saw my boyfriend was distracted and stared over at her with this smirk on his face. Then there was another girl behind us and she was working out and I saw him checking out her ass. I got that upset I had to leave to go to the bathroom and cry.

Another time we were doing a food shop and one of the store assistants walked past us and she was wearing tight black leggings and my boyfriend literally turned his head to check her out walking in front of us, and then he commented on her uniform.

This makes me feel even worse about myself because I’ve been intimate with him and I’m wondering if he’s comparing my body to theirs, thinking that he wishes he was with a girl who had a bigger bum or boobs. I’m an attractive female and I used to get a lot of male attention before I dated him but since I’ve been with him my self esteem has rocketed.

Is it normal that my boyfriend checks out these other women in front of me?

[SteveSmith1985]

You are totally right to feel how you feel.

Everything about how you're feeling here makes total sense. The way you are feeling is how any girl (or any guy!) would feel in your shoes.

What it comes down to is this: Everyone understands that their partner is going to find other people attractive. That's... inevitable. You also find guys attractive.

BUT... it's disrespectful as fuck to allow yourself to check someone out in any way that your partrner could possibly notice. That's not an ok thing to do.

In other words, out of basic respect... you should NEVER see your boyfriend checking out someone else. You have a right to be (a little) upset ANY time that happens. Because it shouldn't. It's disrespectful and will clearly be hurtful and make you (anybody) feel inadequate and less desireable to their partner.

So if he's with you, and the most beautiful girl walks by. Wearing the most revealing sluttiest outfit imaginable. You still have every right to expect that your boyfriend won't even flinch. A good boyfriend won't even give you any indication (no matter how subtle) that he even noticed that girl. not any more than he noticed that fat guy standing by the door.

So your boyfriend is 100% in the wrong here. Most women just wouldn't let a guy get away with it. They'd get mad at him on-the-spot and they'd have a mini-fight. That's usually how this goes. And it's usually how a guy learns to be respectful to his partner in this way. If a guy doesn't make a point of it... the natural instinct IS to check-out that hot girl. But you have a right to expect him not to do so in any way that's perceptible to you. Because that's disrespectful. But a guy does have to make a point to control it. (in the same way most guys learn to not check a girl out in a way that's straight-up creepy. Even though the 'instinct' would be to do exactly that.)

You need to bring this up to him. Call him out on it. Tell him how it's making you feel. And get it to stop. You shouldn't have to put up with it. So stop putting up with it. He can change this. You're right to ask him to.

[Lycirian]

I will never agree about that it is desrespecting to look at other women while being with an girlfriend.

We are men and we look and every other men telling something else is a huge liar.

He chose you to be with and that's it. We are men we look and always will look and even when you are with him he could look without you even notice that he looks, so do it behind your back or with you doesn't change the fact that he is doing it.

If he didn't look, then he had never saw you. It is in our genetic code, we hunters and that will never change.

He looks, but he ain't hungry because he is full and why he is full because he got YOU!

I understand your feelings but you both watch movies, may going on the beach or it is summer you go out.

These days is not like the past. You can walk have naked and nobody say shit so putting it on him that it his fault doesn't change nothing it will even get more worse for your relationship.

If a women want a men that doesn't look at other women sorry to say this but then you guy got be gay so by all respect to all women but stop dreaming and accept reality and if you can't then you hurting yourself.

[far2gud4u]

Sorry that he is doing this, he sounds like a douche. That being said though you sound insecure about yourself and with that in mind I don't believe your relationship is fulfilling you the way it should. This is a red flag.

If he cares about you deeply you need to tell him it is unacceptable and either he will stop or he won't but if he doesn't you will never be able to trust him deep down to have have a LDR...

Finally, I say this kindly... you need to toughen up. Rarely will any girl be the most attractive in the room to every man in there. With this in mind you need to appreciate that any man is going to look. As long as he doesn't flirt, act on it etc that is what matters. My boyfriend isn't blind but I know I am the girl for him so if he looks I eye roll. Odds of them being able to take him from me are minimal. So appreciate any man WILL look but its whether or not they act on it which is the issue. Respect yourself and he will respect you more.

[desidoll]

That’s very disrespectful of him to do that. It obviously bothers you and making you to feel insecure. While I understand that we are all human who notice other attractive people of the opposite gender, he is being over insensitive in this matter to the point where you even cried because of it! Tell him you don’t appreciate his behavior and how it makes you feel. If he continues, you need to know what to do. I suggest you to reconsider this relationship because it is a huge red flag. One day we never know if he might act on it.

In my case, I wear revealing clothes all the time when my fiancè is with me in public so he rarely looks at other women lol.

[Guy13]

Yes, as I would be infuriated by the disrespect towards you and the relationship as a whole. I mean at dinner and common sense says:
1. fantasizing about being with her.
2. She’s hot

Too quickly not committed, cheat on me, you don’t do it for him anymore, and can’t satisfy him come to the mind and emotional sometimes fueling over the top confrontation.
Communicate calmly with serious intentions to understand and grow as a couple seems to be only option.

[AviatorTom]

In college I dated a girl who had no problem with me looking. She said, "I know what you're getting from me, so if you aren't looking, then I get upset."

[lightbulb27]

You are right to feel however you feel, we're noone to tell you what to feel.

But there's other ways to handle it. It's just energy and there's no way around some "object" looking good to a guy, based upon his hormones and drive. Women know this and they play to it. So if he looks, you also look, in a positive way, and comment on her... call it out in a positive fun way, and then flip it back to you. Dream up what you can say...

That way you aren't going into "jealous" energy, which is a sign of weakness and fear, you are going into playful power energy, and he doesn't feel bad about just being a human. That said, he may need guidance in good behavior... like look but don't stair, focusing, sitting better so he isn't distracted, etc.. Other cultures deal with this "headache" by covering women up. No culture so far has put horse blinders over guys heads.

Some of this can just be his T is high and needs drained, ya know?

If he has a history of cheating and such, that's another matter to deal with.

[RavVid]

We just do. And with any straight guy you are not going stop it. Its not personal so don't take it that way.

I have said this quite a number of times. I can be walking along the street with my conscious mind wholly engaged on my finances with no conscious thoughts about sex at all. Then suddenly I feel an erection fully formed. It would seem there is an area of my primal primitive male sex circuits that is continuously scanning for hot girls. Not only is a hot girl signal set to my conscious brain but the direction of hot girl as well. I know exactly where to look. The financial thoughts are completely suborned.

The main point is that this highly instinctual and is occurring under the conscious level of thought.

Admittedly, more often, I am hoping to see something beautiful as I'm walking down the street and at those times I am consciously scanning. I get a dopamine hit from something beautiful.

Most frequently it is somewhere between the two levels of conscious and unconscious scanning. If we see visible nipple we are going to have a damned good look.

Most women discover that men are going to have good look and that it is our nature to do so if we have a pulse. You can look but can't touch is the compromise agreement.

I can understand you feeling hurt at him checking out other girls in front of you. Ironically being with you pumps up his sex circuits and it is a sort of back handed compliment to you. Quite probably the pudendum of the gym girl and the shop girl were showing through their tight clothing and it is a bit hard not expect a man not to look at that.

Don't think that he is thinking he would like you to have bigger breasts or ass because that is not how we work. No matter how happy a man is with you he will still look.

[Lionman95]

I think it is because he is probably not aware how you feel about it. I mean he knows that you don´t like it but the chance is that he has actually no idea that it makes you feel insecure. From a guy´s perspective I´d say it´s hard not to look at a woman in tight leggings or yoga pants.
What could be helpful though is that you help him understand your point by telling that it would mean something to you if he could stop looking at women and that you know it´s not easy for him but it would make you appreciate him more if he does.
That way you can tell him you´re perspective without totally opening up and being vulnerable and at the same time it´s his choice of how he behaves. That way you can also secretly test how much he takes your wishes in consideration of his actions.

[PrettyPriya]

That is just rude and disrespectful of him to do that in front of you. Doesn't matter if you are not even there. He should not be checking out other girls. Sadly, this is something that some guys just cannot help but do. They sexualize every woman they see.

You have every right to be upset with him. He should think about how he would feel if you were checking out guys all the time. It is disrespectful to you. This is something you need to talk to him about. Communicate to him how this makes you feel.

I would have similar feelings that you have. I would be wondering if he thinks I am not good enough for him and he is seeing what else is out there. The question is... will he stop? My guess is no. This sounds like something he just cannot control.

You need to talk to him though. He should know this is wrong but clearly doesn't care. You are going to have to tell him how this makes you feel when he sexualizes other girls.

[Bricealan]

Maybe not the "norm", but would you rather he do it in a more 'clandestine' way? Lets keep it real here for a minute. Men and women BOTH look at other men/women, and I see it out socially all the time. Leaving my car at Pelican Hill, a woman and her SO/Husband? were walking toward me and SHE, a very pretty woman was looking me up and down, and I returned the 'looks". Should her boyfriend/husband be pissed? Maybe.

Out shopping with my, then, girlfriend of 20 something, she came to me and told me to my face: "I have to go home and masturbate", and she showed me the guy in the store that got her "wet" Was I pissed? No, That hot ME hot.

Relax, you worry too much.

[Gibbons44]

It's one of those tricky topics - I recently (yesterday) met a girl that's... well, the one. As long as the trust between me and her stays, as long as she's the centre of my thoughts, the fact there are other girls who are attractive, sexy, likeable and/or worthwhile human beings - I don't expect would make any difference to my relationship with her.

I would, personally, prefer not to deny validation to other girls I find atttactive. I would also never leave her because of another female. The rest is me hoping (expecting) she feels the same way towards me.

[Anonymous]

Some guys can help themselves, and then there’s guys (like your boyfriend) who absolutely can not. To answer your question is it normal? No, it’s not. Are you right to feel jealous and upset? Sure. One of the guys made a really solid point. Men associate jealous/insecurity with weakens. The moment a man gets a *WHIFF* that you’re jealous. He will associate that with being weak and he will run over you for all the days of your life. If this is something you can not handle (from the sounds of it, seems like it’s already breaking you), you should gather your things and go. You will spend the rest of your life arguing about this.

[Anonymous]

This is why I don't get into relationships. If a guy makes me feel insecure by comparing me with other girls, I will definitely lose my self confidence and will feel less. But if he's a kind of understanding guy who never makes me feel insecure by doing the things that will hurt me, belittle me before other girls, then I would be with him without any worries. I even consider checking out other girls, flirting with them as cheating too because if he can do that, he's on the way to cheat you. He can cheat at any moment. Be prepared for that. We shouldn't teach men not to cheat. If they'll understand our heart they will never hurt us

[singlemombizz]

As long as he's dating you, he's HUMAN, guys will look. Are you dressed with all your skin covered, what is he looking at cleavage, asses, legs? Perhaps he wants you to dress sexy for him, he should be staring at you, but don't blame him for looking at others, you both should be comfortable with checking out others without oggling, staring or flirting. If you restrict him too much you will end up single.

[connemara_crocodile]

There's a word for a guy who watches other girls in front of their partners... douchebags!

Sure, behind doors we might watch porn, guys have different needs than women about once a day and porn helps abd it means nothing.

But to do it in front of your partner or even watch another girl in front if her, is plain asshole.

[Anemone978]

If my boyfriend did that in front of me I would embarrasses him "oh you like looking at her ass?" so she would hear.. or I'd start doing it back to him... anyone I think is hot just full checkout too, see how he likes it... maybe he would learn some fucking curtesy for his girl... but usually men like that ain't even worth the time. So probably I would just break up..

[miadee]

I'd feel the same. There is nothing wrong with you. I'm sorry but your boyfriend is a total jerk. A man should make feel his woman safe and secure. If I were you I'd wonder if he cheats too since he has no empathy and consideration.

Talk it out about this. Tell him he makes you upset. If he keeps doing it. Simply just dump him. You deserve someone who makes you feel wanted and loved.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

If I fucked every girl I checked out, I'd be a much happier man.
But unfortunately meaningless admiring is where it stops about 99.999% of the time.

I really wouldn't worry about it. We can't help it, it's in our nature.

If he's blatantly staring and doesn't give you a second thought when he does it, it might be a problem. But if something blows up in the sky, people naturally look. It's basically the same thing when a tight little waddling booty comes strolling by us.

[PhenomenalQueen]

No , he shouldn’t be looking at other women in front of you… this is disrespectful… if you want to take a different approach just so you know it’s being done purposely, ask him why he’s doing it… obviously no answer is going to be okay, so, after this wait until he forgets about the conversation and then proceed to do it in front of him. He should shortly get the clue, if he makes it a big deal, there’s you opportunity to address your concerns.

[Anonymous]

I believe you're getting shitty advice, like "talk to your boyfriend, he can change" - he's not going to. The way he acts with you is the way he is. No sit down and talking it out will make him be a totally different person, and that's what it will take for you to like him, and for him to love you. It's not going to happen. That's the first thing.

The second thing is you're doing this long distance, which has a 99% failure rate to begin with. On top of that, the little you actually do see him, he treats you like shit. If he cared about you, he'd treasure the time you get together and work to make it permanent. But he doesn't, and you have to face this. It's long past time to leave this jerk off loser and get in a real relationship with a real man - if you're not afraid to.

[Razp_Sorbet]

It's normal to feel attraction towards other people while still in a relationship, finding other people hot is perfectly normal. However, it seems he isn't exactly making this subtle and it's clearly negatively effecting you. I think you should talk to him about how uncomfortable it makes you feel, but also keep in mind that it is normal to an extent.

[TheFlak38]

Of course you on the other hand are allowed to check out as many men as you like and explore your THOUSANDS of other options. It's only a problem when men do it. When women do it then it's fair play. Narcissistic bitch. Women are the epitome of hypocrisy and double standards.

[nudetru]

you really shouldn't he has eyes... what's he supposed to wear blind folds.. I'm sure guys check you out as well.. other woman are a part of the scenery like every were.

don't be up set actually do it with him check out what he sees mimic him a bit.. see if he gets a hint