Am I delusional?

Question

We had situationship 1,5 years ago. I stopped seeing him since he was jerking around me. We had sexual relationship but we never really became bf-gf

I still remember him & I feel like I miss something I've never even really had. Am I exaggerating everything and Am I delusional

MrOracle · Answer

Not delusional, but perhaps misguided.

Let's call a "situationship" for what it is: a casual sex relationship. And you wanted more, but he made it clear that he wasn't willing to give you a real relationship. This made the two of you fundamentally incompatible, but you were willing to trade casual sex in order to get his attention and affection. You're an adult - you're allowed to make that decision, but hopefully you've figured out that you aren't going to change a man's mind, not even with sex. If a man tells you that he's not looking for a relationship, or "not looking for anything serious right now", he's telling you that you will NOT get a relationship from him, and that you should NOT expect to change his mind.

I don't know you or him, so obviously I have no idea if the following applies to you, but I commonly see girls going after guys who are "out of her league" in some way (generally, the hot/popular/wealthy/successful guys), and even when he makes clear that he won't give her a relationship, she's still willing to give him sex in order to get his attention, knowing that she won't get it otherwise. And in the vast majority of cases, she does this hoping that she'll change his mind and get the relationship - but this almost never happens. This is the common result when women pick a guy based on his looks/status rather than on his morals, values, and life-goals: she uses him for attention and dates and he uses her for sex.

in my opinion, you need to figure out if you're going to spend your life in a series of these "situationships", knowing that your 20s is when you have (by far) the highest relationship value to men, and knowing that your relationship value to men is going to start falling off in your late 20s and will fall below men's value around age 30 (which is why people talk about turning 30 and "hitting the wall"), OR if you're going to use your 20s to find a serious relationship partner and set up the entire rest of your life. If the former, then keep doing what you're doing. If the latter, then you need to start looking for men who are LOOKING for serious relationships/potential marriage, and you need to pick the man based on his morals, values, and life-goals. This means you need to do a lot of deep thinking about what's going to be important to you LONG-TERM, at the expense of what would be more fun/exciting in the short-term (because you're unlikely to find both in the same person).

Your friends are going to encourage you to be wild and free and have fun and not to care about the rest of your life - but they're also not going to be able to help you if you are 35 and alone and guys aren't paying attention to you anymore, so think carefully before you buy into that. I'm not saying that you can't find a life-partner at 35, I'm saying that the man who are available to you at 35 will almost certainly be much more limited and (in your eyes) "lower value" than the guys you have access to in your 20s. The choices you make are completely up to you, but don't forget that your outcomes will be determined by the choices that you make, and past a certain point, you don't get any more "do-overs."

WanderingLoveWizard · Answer

Well of course we're all a bit delusional.

But it sounds like you had feelings for him that never really went away. Just try to remember why you stopped seeing him to begin with. Maybe those feelings will subside

Anonymous · Answer

Magic 8 ball says, "ask again later".

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