Why is it that whenever my boyfriend and I argue, he starts telling me the opposite of what he’s been reassuring me on any other day. I’m 28f, he’s 33m and I’ve been living with him for 4 months now.
Example:
Me: Hey, I did these chores, is there anything else you would like done? You name it and I’m on it.
Him: Aw thank you so much, no that’s plenty, thank you for always being so helpful.
when we fight
him: GOD YOU DONT DO ANYTHING
me: what do you mean?
him: YOU DONT DO SH*T AROUND THE HOUSE etc etc etc.
Thats just one of many examples. I’m always inquisitive about what I could be doing better or more of and I ask him these things but he always tells me really nice stuff and reassures I do enough but when we fight he hurls a bunch of complaints and goes against everything he’s said to me that me. I’m open to constructive criticism and I’m always asking for it so I don't know why he only acts like that when we fight. Is he just trying to hurt me?
*I’ve asked him about his complaints a few days after the argument and he seems dumbfounded and goes “no no you’re perfectly fine, don’t worry about that” my brain just hurts from trying to understand what that was about. Should I be concerned?
SOS 😭
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
That's some emotionally abusive shit right there. Specifically the acting dumbfounded part.
Basically, yes, he is trying to hurt you. And it's inexcusable.
He is saying things in anger simply for the pure purpose of causing you pain. He does not genuinely feel like you "don't do shit around the house"... he knows you do. But he says it in anger just to hurt you. This is the exact same thing as a boyfriend who gets mad and starts calling you a "bitch" or a "cunt." It's meant to hurt. Nothing more. It's something said when a person is unable to properly manage their feelings. It's totally inapropriate within the context of a romantic relationship.
The fact that he won't even acknowledge having said what he said when you try and talk to him afterwards, is frankly, by far the most concerning part.
If your boyfriend screams about you being a bitch or a cunt... you've got yourself a relationship problem.
If that same boyfriend pretends he never called you those things, when tempers have cooled... you've got yourself a very serious relationship problem.
How are you ever to work on the fact that your boyfriend is calling you a cunt... when he denies he ever did.
Yes. You should be concerned. Very.
This is a red-flag indeed. The way this guy is... just isn't right. It's not normal or ok. Yes, you should be concerned.
That’s what I was concerned about.
I know throughout life people say things they don’t mean in anger. Anger is a strong overwhelming emotion and causes us to do stupid things.
I can’t decipher if he’s an abusive person, or if it’s just his inability to control his anger and that he generally means well but that he’s simply struggling.
I brought up my concerns and he just huffed and puffed and was growing increasingly agitated so I just vowed to drop it and never speak of it again. (So I guess maybe it’s not so hard to decipher after all)
I really appreciate your insight. You reassured what my gut has been screaming at me. It just sucks when I try to do everything I can to make this person happy, and when things get difficult I get pushed around and treated next to nothing. Thank you for your time and nicely articulated response 💗
I would guess that this is an abusive guy. It would not surprise me if your relationship became quite abusive over time.
"I can’t decipher if he’s an abusive person, or if it’s just his inability to control his anger and that he generally means well but that he’s simply struggling."
Meaning-well is very common with abusers. They aren't lying when they buy flowers for their blackened-eyed-girlfriend, apologize and swear that'll never happen again. They mean that. Sincerely. They just can't control themselves when they're angry next time. But they have the best of intentions. Genuinely.
What you've got... is a guy who looks that girlfriend right in her blackened-eye, and swears there's no bruise there. He doesn't know what you're even talking about. That's... actually way worse than most abusive guys.
This is not going to get better. There's a very good chance it gets worse. How long have you been together?
That’s very true.
I guess this is harder for me to see clearly because it’s all mental and emotional.
If he put his hands on me then I’d be able to clearly say yeah he’s abusive. But since it’s all emotional; I can’t tell if it’s my fault for triggering him in someway, or if he gets angry because he doesn’t know how to express himself etc. Basically, It’s more easier to think it’s my fault rather than him being inappropriate.
The getting worse part is what I’m worried about, because if I’m being honest it has gotten slightly more violate each blow out.
I’m glad forums like these exist because just being able to type stuff out and reading it back to myself and also reading unbiased perspectives really help.
We’ve been together for 3 years now.
I know just what you mean about your own thoughts and feelings becoming clearer just by having to put them into words for someone else. I also really like that about GAG. And also getting to know all kinds of people and whatnot.
I can tell you, for sure, that you're absolutely right about the fact that it's mental and emotional abuse, you are having trouble as clearly recognizing it as abusive. If he gave you a black eye, you know that's wrong. This stuff is less clear, and as you say, has you second-guessing what exactly this behavior means.
I can tell you, that mental and emotional abuse is actually the bedrock of all abusive relationships, even the most violent ones. It's fairly rare that a woman stays with a physically abusive guy, because they are literally afraid for their physical safety if they leave. They may fear for their physical safety if they leave, but that's not what's stopping them. What stops them is (what I call) "twisted thinking" which is always the result of emotional abuse. It's honestly the emotional abuse that's always the worst part of even the most violent abusive sitations. It's just more extreme emotional abuse.
What I think you need to do, is to google "emotionally abusive relationship"
Take a look through a bit of the information out there. See how much of it rings a bell from your own relationship. I would be willing to bet, that a whole lot more of what you find, will apply to your situation than you would expect. I strongly strongly urge you to do a google search. I'm no expert.
Take it from the experts. But do look it up.
And while I'm going to try and be as objective as possible... I feel It's not right to not correct you on calling me "unbiased." That's not quite true. I am biased insofar as abusive relationships hit a particular nerve for me. It upsets me, and I think finding oneself in an abusive relationship can really do an incredible amount of harm. I don't think I've ever misjudged a situation when I've had to say to someone "hey... you know that's abusive right?" At least to the best of my knowledge I've never been wrong. I'm not saying I'm inclined to see abuse where none exists. Not at all. But I am really pretty biased. This issue is one I care about more than most.
It’s difficult to say exactly why your boyfriend may be behaving this way when you argue. However, it's possible that he may be feeling upset or stressed during arguments, and may be lashing out or saying hurtful things without fully realizing the impact of his words.
It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your boyfriend about how his behavior makes you feel, while also expressing your own needs and expectations clearly and respectfully. It may be helpful to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, while also setting clear boundaries and expectations for how you expect to be treated in the relationship.
It's also important to prioritize your own well-being and self-care, while also being open to compromise and growth as you work towards building a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
If your boyfriend is unwilling or unable to change his behavior or address your concerns in a respectful and constructive way, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship and your own needs and priorities.
Remember, healthy relationships are built on communication, respect, and trust, and it's important to prioritize these values as you navigate your emotions and your relationships.