My boyfriend thinks that when you are together long term, you should think about your money as family money. But I disagree. I think your money is yours and you just make sure to pay your responsibilities first like rent and bills before you treat yourself to that item of clothing you always wanted, new gadgets, etc.
He earns more money than me so I feel sensitive about this topic. But before I met him, I lived on my own and handled everything financial. I think it’s just great being financially independent as a woman and I never want to give that up. I think he understands this but the conversation we had made me wonder how other couples handle money.
Also for those of you who earn leas than their partner, does your partner ever make jokes that you ‘don’t pay rent’, etc? My boyfriend is always joking around and making quippy remarks at me about the contribution I make to our household. Ever since I’ve been working full-time (1.5 years) I have paid rent every month. Because he earns significantly more, I pay slightly less than half of the amount which I think is fair. So I don’t know why he is making comments about me not paying for the important things because I do. He is not seriously suggesting anything but by joking about it I think he is insinuating that I am not contributing when he knows I am. It feels anti-feminist in a what. I wish he would just be able to talk to me about money without taking the highroad and making jokes like that. It hurts my feelings. :(… has anyone else had this situation?
What Girls Said
First of all, your boyfriend is being an asshole when he's joking about you paying less. That's a red flag about him to me.
But I agree with him in a sense that in marriage the money should be "family money". When a man and woman get married they form a new family, a team, and each can contribute differently to the goals of the team. Traditionally that meant the husband earned the money and the wife took care of the domestic responsibilities and caring for the children during the day. But, the money belonged equally to both. It wasn't his just because he earned it any more than the home was hers because she took care of it.
Personally I think the notion of "intendance" in marriage is a harmful mindset because the underlying assumption is that you will ultimately divorce so you need to retain your independence. Is it an wonder why the divorce rate is so high today?
You shouldn't talk in terms of fairness in your situation because it's actually going to go against you. How exactly is it "fair" that you pay less because you earn less? In concept it just means you're paying less because you're working less, which is obviously not fair to him. But again, trying to remain independent and make things fair is pointless and dangerous in my opinion.
"independence"
My work, my earnings and my money. I agree with the when you live together both should pay their part or rent, water and co but after that...
I mean you could do a shared account for groceries, where for example both monthly pay in the same amount but yeah everything else is your money.
You can invite your partner for dinner or activities but with your money.
I recommend everyone to always be financially independent, you never know what the future brings.
A boyfriend or girlfriend is not entitled to eachothers stuff, and him thinking that is a red flag. If a marriciuple wants to do that, then it's fine. That's what my husband I do. But an unmarried couple doing that is begging for disaster.