Should I explore a friends with benefits with my ex after putting him through the wringer?

[Anonymous]

So I did something horrible to my ex and I feel pretty guilty about it and he broke up with me for it but we miss each other and miss the sex. I know we shouldn't go down this road when he just broke up with me (like two weeks ago) but I can't help myself.

I feel like a selfish person for not giving things time to breathe but I also have needs and I really miss the sex with him. We are also long distance so it's not often that we get a chance to do something like this but he is going to come down and we get it in.

I can't help but feel a bit guilty though. Am I a bad person for this?

[Screenwriter]

You're not bad, but you're extremely foolish. This person is an "ex" for a reason. Pull yourself together and order a vibrator or other sex toy. Don't use a man for sex who you can't live with, unless you're paying him for sex and he's a professional.

This has nothing to do with "guilt." You're horny and all you can see if the positive relief of sex with this former lover. Think of all the negatives about this reconnection.

Either you've broken up, or you haven't. Fish or CUT BAIT. Make it over and grow a pair. Don't use HIS.

[Screenwriter]

Make it PAST this time by growing a pair... Don't use HIS...

[Asker]

I guess I want to do it too because I'm not being honest with myself. I really miss him and would do anything just to be close to him again. I know it's unhealthy but if that's what he wants then I'm willing to do it.

[Screenwriter]

What HE wants? Yes, you're sharp enough to know you're not being honest with yourself. Why are you so desperate and thirsty? Do you believe you'll never be able to find or be with someone else? This seem s to be the crux of. the matter. Why aren't you speaking to a counselor about this instead of leaping back into a bad situation? Why aren't you working on YOUR self-esteem which would allow you to be alone and work through the grief and pain of losing someone who IS NOT appropriate for you to be with.

Do good for yourself for the long run not, not just falling back into a bad habit for right now.

[Asker]

You're right. I do need to seek therapy and work on my self esteem. It's not going to be easy but I will try to work this out by myself and leave the situation alone.

[Screenwriter]

If you plan the BEST for yourself, not just the "right now" you can put off desperate, needy moves. Will be somewhat painful, but you push through the dark time and there's light to come.

[smilelots]

I agree with this fully.. here is why.. when my x and I split I thought i would never find someone to be with me I felt so alone and empty.. I didn't think I was good enough for any woman and it took over two years to ask another woman out.. so dont sell yourself short ok.. be strong and go find someone that will treat you right and give you all you need or think you need,,

[Screenwriter]

@smilelots Lovely lovely reply!!! kisses to you Smilelots!!

[LovingJo]

I wouldn't. Unless you're mentally strong enough to do so. Knowing that you will more than likely catch feelings again, and therefore end up getting hurt. But if you think that you can deal with just my with him physically, then it's your choice. But it rarely works.

[Asker]

I think I'm mentally strong enough. We were friends with benefits before we got together so I think that helps that I can be mentally strong for it since I did it before and only see this as a physical thing and nothing more.

[LovingJo]

It's up to you then hun. Is that what he wants?

[Asker]

That's what he said he wanted. A friends with benefits relationship. I didn't bring it up... he did.

[LovingJo]

Hmm... Is it what YOU want? Your relationship ended for a reason right?

[Asker]

It is what I want. I feel like I messed up big time and would give anything to be back with him but I will take what I can get from him. I know that sounds unhealthy but that's how I feel at the moment.

[LovingJo]

I think it's a mistake, because you just admitted that you want him back, and if he doesn't want that, then YOU be the one who will end up getting hurt.
But if he does want you back, then it may be worth the risk.
I guess only you can decide if it's worth it, in the end.

[Asker]

He told me that he's still in love with me so I think it's worth the risk. He told me this drunk though so I don't know. I'm so confused.

[LovingJo]

I don't know the situation, but if it were me, I'd give it some time.
But it's your choice at the end of the day 😊

[Asker]

Thanks. I may do that.

[LovingJo]

Good luck with it

[LovingJo]

Just going back to what you said, with the HE brought up the friends with benefits, if he is still in love with you... Why would he want just that, and not see if you wanted to get back together? 🤔

[Asker]

Because he's hurting I guess and confused.

[LovingJo]

Thanks for the MHO 😘

[Asker]

You're welcome! :)

[blueonblack22]

What did you do? Cheat on him? I really like how you left that specific detail out miss anon. I am guessing that is what most likely happened. The fact you admit you “miss sex” makes me believe even more this really happened. Just couldn’t wait around to see him so you got your needs met someone else?

Anyway as for the friends with benefits. He’s either really weak and naive OR he’s very clever and has long game to get revenge on you. But I somehow doubt it’s the latter.

If I were him I would say good riddens and not mess around. I don’t care how hot or how available you might be. You cheated (right?). So now you made your bed so lay in it.

But unfortunately there are some pretty weak, desperate and pathetic men out there. Which is probably reason you cheated on him to begin with.

I just really hope this guy isn’t in his 30s or older. I cut (some) slack to younger guys who do stupid things and mistakenly let women walk over them once or twice.

But if he’s a grown man this is beyond pathetic. He’s enabling and emboldening inexcusable female behavior. When will more men learn that’s it’s better to have self respect and be lonely vs being a chump?

Anyway he’s enabling you and so it’s on him. I just wish someone would slap some hard sense into this guy. You aren’t worth it.

[Asker]

No I didn't cheat on him but I did something that you can say is equivalent to it. So you're right except for the fact that he's not pathetic or weak person. I will not allow you to antagonize him because he doesn't deserve that. I was the one to hurt him so if you want to antagonize anybody it should be me. I am not worth it. You're right about that. And I feel guilty for even considering a friends with benefits with him.

[blueonblack22]

That above gave me pause. It’s rare for me to hear a woman own up to that after being completely in the wrong (unless there is still someone in it for her). Very rare.

One of my ex gfs left me anguishing for years that the breakup was 100% my fault (I honestly didn’t reciprocate the effort she put into the relationship). She gave me one of the nastiest insults I’ve ever taken from a woman in my life a few weeks later when we met up for business purposes. I can still hear her shrieking disgust in the back of mind occasionally to her response “I miss talking to you”.

Then one day it dawned on me that she cheated and had to see me as less than human to self justify her bs. Never in million years expected her to do something that heinous.

Anyway as for your situation this can’t end well. Your guilt will wear off after you get familiar with again and sometime stupid will happen again. Or he has a secret agenda to get revenge if you he notices you catching feelings again.

Flat out tell him that you deserved to be dumped, he deserved better then what happened and all of this friends with benefits is a bad idea. If he knows that you are truly remorseful for what you did that at least shows you still have some respect for him. He should be placing self- respect > easy sex. This might being him to truly forgive you after some time has passed it he believes you are being sincere. Then there is a (small but real) chance at reconciliation.

[Asker]

I'm sorry that you went through that with one of your ex gfs. She was definitely in the wrong for that. I will do the right thing in this situation which is to leave things be and hope that eventually he can truly forgive me and there be reconciliation even though it is a very small chance of that like you said.

[blueonblack22]

He has to know you still respect him. That will be hard for him to believe for obvious reasons. But telling what I said above is start. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

[Pegases]

Just leave him alone so that he has the opportunity to find a woman that values him. What you need is therapy, not more sex with a man that you dont really care about. He doesn't realize that he can do better, because he's thinking with his dxck, and because you're still in the picture. So if there's really a part of you that feels bad for how you treated him, then gift him with your absence. These situations, and time to reflect, tend to bring out the best in men. And yes, you are a bad person for that, but no one is beyond redemption. Do the right thing by leaving him alone, so that he can grow into a man that values himself enough to walk away, and stay away from women that treat him like trash.

[Asker]

I do care about him which is why I asked the question in the first place. If I didn't care, I would have never considered not doing it. I agree that I do need therapy but I won't say I thought of him as trash when I did what I did. I love him and care for him deeply. I made a mistake and I'm not proud of what I did but I'm human just like everyone else. The right thing is not always easy and it's easy to judge a situation when you don't know the person.

[Pegases]

I dont have to know you personally to know that hurt people, hurt people. Nor do I need to know you personally to know that the solution here is for you to go to therapy, so that you don't continue to hurt people that you claim to care about. You can say you care about him all you want, but until your actions support that, how much you say you care about him couldn't be more irrelevant. Lastly, I judge people based on how well they accept accountability for their actions. Leave him alone, and go to therapy.

[smilelots]

Your going to do what you want either way but I would say no dont do it,, he is a x for a reason right.. find someone that can give you what you need or buy some toys till that happens.. going back most likely will not work out for you.. good luck in what you decide to do..

[Asker]

You're right and I shouldn't go down this road with an ex. I thought long and hard about it and just need to leave the situation alone.

[smilelots]

That would be the smart thing to do for sure ,, sometimes we have to learn the hard way right,, I just hope it works out for you in the end what ever road you take.. life is sort and we should enjoy it as best we can..

[Asker]

So I went down the road and I regret it. You were right.

[smilelots]

In the end its not who is right or wrong. you did what you thought you should do for you at that time ,, most important thing in all of this is you learn from it.. we all make mistakes but we dont know sometimes till we try right..

[Asker]

That's true. At least now I know and can move on.

[smilelots]

if we dont learn from our choices then we have bigger problems because we will keep making them over and over.. thats not good for anyone.. so did you learn from it and if so what. if I may ask

[Asker]

Yes... I learned that it is better to go with your gut and listen to what your head is saying than to go with your heart and hormones. It always ends up getting you into trouble. I realized that we are better off going our separate ways for now. That time and space is what we truly need.

[smilelots]

Its ok to be going with you heart and hormones sometimes just like its good to go with you gut and head.. in the end its a learning thing right , I have a few stories like that too tell as well with my x lol

[Anonymous]

If you’re feeling this guilty about it then just be celibate, get a toy or something to take care of yourself and let him go. You can’t say you know it’s selfish and wrong but Continue be selfish anyway because You need to get off, sex is never that important.

[Asker]

But the sex is so good and it's not just about the sex. It's the intimacy. You can't get that with a toy. But you're right if I feel it's wrong then I can't continue to be selfish... man this is so hard.

[Opinion Owner]

I absolutely get it! But you really shouldn’t. Even if you messed up, he broke up with you, so you should stick to that rather than do things that complicate your situation and keep you attached. Sex is very intimate, so why give yourself up like that when nothing will come from it? You can do better for yourself than this. Breakups are hard as hell but if he really wants to be done then you both need to stick to it.

[Asker]

That's true. It's going to be very hard but you're right.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you have friends or close people around you? If so I would truly advise you spend more time with them, just surround yourself with love and positive vibes. Find some distractions and get back to your life before him. Also so that you don’t cave and go back. I wish you a lot of luck with this, you can do it and are stronger than you think! Don’t forget that🙏

[Asker]

Yes I do have friends around me. I can definitely do that. Thanks for the advice. I truly appreciate it!

[Truthatanycost]

It's very simple. Before doing something in life, ask yourself whether it is wise, or unwise. Then you will know whether to proceed or not.

[Asker]

I don't know if it's wise or not. That's why I asked the question.

[Truthatanycost]

You do know if it's wise or not. You said 'I know we shouldn't go down this road...'. Such a thing would never be said or thought about anything that was wise. And even if you didn't say that, when you have to question it here, it means there is doubt.

'

[Asker]

That's true. You're right.

[DizzyDesii]

You dont deserve him yet think you deserve the dick?

[Asker]

I said I felt guilty and selfish and realize what I have to do now.

[DizzyDesii]

Which shouldn't result in screwing him lmao. Find someone new

[Asker]

Yeah I realize that.

[spartan55]

Sounds like a, great idea! Have you stopped to consider he may not want to fuck you now?

[Asker]

Yes I have considered that. It was his idea to do it.

[spartan55]

Maybe he is having second thoughts.

[Asker]

Second thoughts on being a friends with benefits?

[spartan55]

Yeah. It depends what it is you did to him.

[Dargil]

Can you reconcile with your ex, since you busted the relationship?

[Asker]

Not at this time. He doesn't want to be together at this time which I understand. What I did was pretty messed up but he wants to be friends with benefits which is better than nothing.

[Dargil]

No, it's not. Turn and run. And never, ever look back. You will waste your life without a real benefit.

[Faith18letsgo]

Your not bad for sleeping with your ex when you both want it.

[sheikalana]

friends with benefits with someone you were once romantically involved with or have feelings for is rarely a good idea.

[Jltakk]

absolutely not, it doesn't seem remotely healthy or even smart to do. just get another guy or gal

[Asker]

That's easier said than done. I don't mess around with a lot of people and neither does he. It's just easier and familiar. But thank you for your input. I will take it into consideration.

[Sasha0426]

Why would you hurt him?

[Asker]

I didn't mean to hurt him. It was unintentional but it's something I can't take back. I told him the truth about what I did (which I didn't have to) and he got really hurt about it and broke up with me.

[Sasha0426]

What did you even do?

[Asker]

It's a lot to explain. But long story short is I broke his trust. It was like cheating but it wasn't cheating.

[Sasha0426]

So, it was intentional?

[Asker]

No it was not. What I did was not to intentionally hurt him. It was to actually be closer to him but it ended up backfiring. Long story short is that I shouldn't have done it what I did.

[Sasha0426]

What made you think it would make you closer to him?

[Asker]

I thought I was getting to know him more by pretending to be someone else but it was stupid. I only caused more heartache by pretending to be another girl before we got together. I was trying to get him to commit to me as the other girl through a messager app. And he ended up committing to me but I stopped being her before he committed to me. Then I messaged as the other girl one time while we were together and I ended up telling him the truth about being a catfish recently. He took it bad as he should have because what I did was total manipulation. And I understand if he didn't ever want to talk to me again but he does and even wants to be friends with benefits but I struggle with this for obvious reasons because of what I did to him.

[Sasha0426]

You fucked up bad 🤣 And why the hell does he want to be Friends with Benefits with a liar?

[Asker]

I know I did. And I don't know. He told me he is still in love with me. So maybe that's why. I know I should just leave him alone but it's hard because I'm in love with him too. I didn't mean to do what I did to him and he knows that. I was just desperate.

[Sasha0426]

You were desperate that you would go as far as catfishing and breaking his trust? Yeah, I still don’t see why he would be stupid enough to want to be around you. Let alone have sex with a liar.

[Asker]

I mean I don't understand it myself. The only thing I can say is that we have this strong connection. We've been friends for a very long time. For almost 10 years. I messed up bad I will admit that but to throw away 10 years of friendship is hard. Especially when we love each other a lot. I am a liar and manipulator I will admit that as well but I'm more than that to him and I guess that's why he wants to at least be friends with benefits.

[Sasha0426]

He’s only wanting to be FWBs because he’s afraid of letting go what was good between the two of you before you lied to him. He wants to block that part out. But, he’s too damaged because of what you’ve done. He can’t see he’s worth.

[Sasha0426]

I mean, what the hell were you desperate for anyway? What were so afraid of that you were willing to break his trust? You knew this was going to be the outcome, but you did it anyway.

[Asker]

He wasn't talking to me hardly as myself at the time. He was being very standoffish with me. That's when I created the other girl. To get his attention and to try to talk to him more. It was stupid I will admit but at the time I felt like that was the only way to get closer to him.

[Sasha0426]

You’re absolutely pathetic, you know that?

[Sasha0426]

10 years of friendship fucking wasted because of you. You’re god damn lucky he still even wants to touch you. If I was him, I would drench myself with bleach. I hope he finds his worth and find someone better. Someone who isn’t a manipulator and desperate for his attention like some high school girl.

[Asker]

Yes I know. I've already gotten the brunt end of things from so many people. I regret it and wish I never did it but I can't take it back. I can only look forward and not do anything like this again. I feel bad as is for what I did.

[Sasha0426]

He needs to find someone else.

[Sasha0426]

And you should encourage him to do so.

[Asker]

I mean it's easier said than done. I can try but I'm still in love with him. It's going to take time. He's not just going to get over me just like that and vice versa. I can tell him to stop and move on but it's not that simple.

[Sasha0426]

Never said it was going to be, but you need to do something to encourage him to move on and heal from your betrayal.

[Asker]

All I can do is try and that's what I will do. As much as it pains me to say this, you are right.

[Softlife808]

He doesn't want u so ur wasting your time.

[Asker]

I know he doesn't want me back but that doesn't mean he doesn't want the sex which I have to admit I want too. It's not wasted time if we're both getting something out of it. I just feel bad about it because of what I did.

[Softlife808]

Girl learn to love and respect yourself. U sound like a low self esteem clown

[Anonymous]

Yes you should.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Nope