Why do abusers want you to reconfirm what you said?

[Anonymous]

My long-distance ex boyfriend was a mental abuser. Even over the phone, he sounded intimidating. I was getting fed up and like all abusers, he said the famous phrase (in a cold, menancing tone):

''What'd you just said'?

He really wanted me to reconfirm what he already obviously heard clearly. Why do abusers do that?

Updates

+1 y

Whenever I talked about other topics unrelated to cooking, he didn't care. Yet when I was briefly suggesting how I find something unfair, there he goes with the menancing ''What'd you just said'' phrase.

[Bethany22]

They're trying to make you feel insecure about what you just said, whereby the second time you say it, you won't be as confident about it as the first time. It's also served to distract you for a moment while he thinks of a controlling come-back for what you said. Also, the fact that you're asking this question leads to another reason: it is meant to confuse you so that you look towards him for insight rather than trusting your own judgement on the situation.

[Asker]

Yes I felt insecure at that moment and even some guilt. I ended up replying something else, to which he replied ''oh ok''. I was thinking ''if I said it again then he'll break-up for good, block me, not come to marry me and send everything to hell''. He made me feel as if I was wrong for doubting him, nor feel insecure in the relaitonship. But nope, my gut instinct was right the whole time. I wasn't in the wrong. He was. He was the toxic person; I wasn't.

[MementoMori777]

To show control, I think, or maybe a form of self justification for when you say it again they justify to themselves that it's well deserved but tbh I don't know how these bitch dudes think, they could just make you say it again to get angrier 🤷🏽

[Asker]

yeah it was all about control in the end. The interesting part is I felt afraid of saying the wrong things because he used to blackmailed me that he wasn't going to work on the marriage visa nor travel to my country to get married, that he would block me and send the relationship to hell.
All that just to realize he lied about everything. I was dealing with a narcissist, a toxic person.

[MementoMori777]

Well I'm glad you got yourself out of that situation, I wish you the best on you journey tho

[es20490446e]

I had a diagnosed narcissistic girlfriend. She used to ask me that question.

I simply replied what I had just said, with emphasis and a troll face.

[Asker]

Interesting. He was a narcissist too, whom never intended to marry me. He used to guilt trip me too much, always made me think I was in the wrong for once breaking up with him, for doubting him in a bit, for feeing insecure in the relationship, for reacting whenever I felt he was stepping over my boundaries, etc.

[es20490446e]

EXACTLY!

Run away, they are master manipulators.

They believe their own lies.

[slatyb]

Because sometimes it works.

[Asker]

Yes, he guilt tripped me for the longest. I was dealing with a sick narcissist.