Does an apology from your abusive partner guarantee they won’t hit you again?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I recently got into an altercation. It wasn’t initially a altercation. We were having a debate about religion and in a way he started to become obnoxious and loud rather than have a calm agree to disagree kind of debate and he also started to disrespect my beliefs so out of frustration and anger I told him to stop talking to me. He paused for a second, repeated what I said as if he couldn’t believe I said it when he knew he had it coming from how lous and disrespectful he was being and out of nowhere he slapped me. Then that slap turned into a shove and even harder slaps. He choked me, attempted to suffocate me with my shirt over my head while I cried out trying to get him to stop. He attempted to bang my head onto the floor only thing that stopped him was me altering my body while he held me down so that he couldn’t. I attempted to leave while he attacked me but that only made him lash out even worse telling me I couldn’t leave or “I don’t care if you leave.” But he would contradict himself by trying to stop me from leaving. After it all ended I was left with a blood clot in my left eye, busted lip and my entire right side of my body was sore. I couldn’t even turn over in bed the next day without being in pain. He called himself apologizing with kisses, soft touches and sex afterwards but I couldn’t bring myself to accept it and stop crying. I ended up leaving after he left the house to “cool down” with his friends. I didn’t text him and let him know. He got back to his home, saw that I left and texted me with this apology but something tells me he’s just gonna do it again.

Updates

+1 y

Guys I really appreciate all your advice. I didn’t expect my post about my experience to blow up like this and get this much attention but I’m grateful that it did because I got more than enough advice and have come across more helpful and caring advice than I did negative and It has honestly helped me get through it. I just recently turned 24. I haven’t been in many relationships. This was only my second real relationship and the first one where I experienced something as traumatic as this.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks again for all the healthy and helpful advice. I’m probably gonna mute this post now and just focus. Try and talk to someone outside of this site and get help.

[Nawlins34]

Answering you question:

No. What it guarantees is he'll do it again and because he apologized the first time and you forgave him? He'll expect repeated behavior.

It'll get to a point where he won't even bother apologizing because you won't leave.

1.) My boyfriend and I recently got into an altercation. It wasn’t initially a altercation. We were having a debate about religion and in a way he started to become obnoxious and loud rather than have a calm agree to disagree kind of debate and he also started to disrespect my beliefs so out of frustration and anger I told him to stop talking to me. - I doubt this was the first hint for you regarding him, but to us readers, his inability to "agree to disagree" is the first red flag. Him disrespecting your beliefs indicate that he never really knew you to begin with nor respects you. 2nd red flag.

2.) He paused for a second, repeated what I said as if he couldn’t believe I said it when he knew he had it coming from how loud and disrespectful he was being and out of nowhere he slapped me. - He was offended that someone he considers "lesser than" would come at him like this. Red flag #3

3.) Then that slap turned into a shove and even harder slaps. He choked me, attempted to suffocate me with my shirt over my head while I cried out trying to get him to stop. He attempted to bang my head onto the floor only thing that stopped him was me altering my body while he held me down so that he couldn’t. I attempted to leave while he attacked me but that only made him lash out even worse telling me I couldn’t leave or “I don’t care if you leave.” But he would contradict himself by trying to stop me from leaving. After it all ended I was left with a blood clot in my left eye, busted lip and my entire right side of my body was sore. - Kidnapping in some states here in the U. S. , assault and possibly attempted murder. I shouldn't have to state the obvious.

4.) I couldn’t even turn over in bed the next day without being in pain. He called himself apologizing with kisses, soft touches and sex afterwards but I couldn’t bring myself to accept it and stop crying. I ended up leaving after he left the house to “cool down” with his friends. I didn’t text him and let him know. He got back to his home, saw that I left and texted me with this apology but something tells me he’s just gonna do it again. - You're fighting against your survival instincts right now which are telling you, you're in danger. I wouldn't be around this guy ever again.

DO NOT GET IN A SITUATION THAT PUTS YOU ALONE WITH THIS GUY AGAIN.

Also, if he is going to learn a lesson, it should be you can't keep a woman treating her like this. He'll never learn that lesson, if you keep going back to him, leave him alone. Good luck and be safe.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

No Woman / Man deserves to be slapped, beat up, bruised, he could have killed you and I'm so sorry you had to encounter this it was not your fault and I believe anyone should be of any religion and should not be judged my opinion is move on without him he is a very dangerous person and once they do this more stuff will happen and again more apologies I know my late Mom and my Dad lived a rocky relationship/marriage I remember us kids were little and my Dad threw my Mom down on the couch and her dress flew up in the air but my Dad took to drinking, fooling around with other Women so my Mom got a no-fault divorce what was sad is she divorced him in June 1994 and sadly only lived 9 years after that before passing Nov 10, 2003 .. I love both of my parents but life was scary growing up and my Dad verbally abused me and my Dads still living he remarried in 1994 to a Woman whose 15 years younger then he and she is a real loony he is age 79 but I often wonder about things with him and her my suggestion your young and you need a Man who you know won't attempt to kill you?

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Hello I hope things get better for you soon, No Man should lay a hand on a girl ((( Hugs )))

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Thanks For Most Helpful Guy:)

[yucychan]

Of course he's gonna hit you again. And the next time, it's gonna be worse.
I'm just surprised you didn't go to the police.
This is really serious because at the height of his anger, he wanted to kill you. And don't pretend it isn't so or try to make excuses for him. He wanted to kill you.
You said it yourself, he was attempting to choke you and trying to suffocate you. He was trying to bang your head on the floor; reason he didn't did it, was because of the positions you both were in and not because he was showing you mercy.
Imagine what if he managed to do that, bashing your head on the ground. You would have a concussion and maybe haemorrhages of the brain. You were basically fighting for your life back then.
You know what my advice is. Leave him, block him and run away as far as you can. Get a police order against him if he comes after you. He will never change and you know it. His apologies mean shit.
You never deserved such a severe beating. Couples argue all the time, even your parents. But you don't see them trying to kill or beat the living crap out of each other for just having a difference in opinions.
Please also speak out and get some help, get some emotional support. Don't keep to yourself, try to talk with your family or with a close friend. Don't close yourself up and feel like you are alone in this situation. You are not, there are many people who have been through this. Just get away from him.

[90sVibe]

Honey no. I'm sorry but unless he gets some serious help and chooses to rewire his perspective on things his actions will only get worse until the damage is truly irreversible. I strongly suggest you leave that situation immediately and make sure you have a support system that will help you through this process. It's never ok or acceptable under any circumstances for a partner regardless of the sex, to hit, beat, and abuse you in any way. Even if he gets the help he needs and is willing, you need to separate yourself from him right away because that kind of toxic behavior poisons you and could very well end your life physically if not emotionally and mentally and destroy your future. There are domestic hotlines with trained people to help walk you through steps to safety and stability if you'd be willing to call them. Please know you're worth more than that❤

[Account]

He won't change. Please leave. If you are not financially independent, find a job and maybe ask for help from your family/friends. Don't stay with him. Don't forgive him. It is futile.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Get. Away. From. Him. Now.

If you take him back I promise you-- I fucking PROMISE-- he will do it again, and again, and again, and then a year will pass, then five years, then ten, and before you know it you'll have spent your entire life being battered and beaten and maybe worse. Ignore this warning at your own peril. There's simply no amount of being angry in an argument that justifies what he did. He's not "sorry", he just wants you under his thumb so that he can train you to not run away whenever he decides to split your head open. For God's sake, get out now and call the cops while you're at it.

[mindNsoul]

Amen to that!

[MrOracle]

There may be times when a BIT of violence is warranted - if you were pushing him and he held you, or if you were hitting him and he slapped you to get you to stop - then maybe I would say you could accept his apology. But what you described is NOTHING at all like that - this guy hit you, HARD, repeatedly, and in a sustained way because he was angry.

To accept his apology and take him back, you'd have to believe that he'll NEVER be angry at you again, and I think we both know that there's about zero chance of that. You need to dump his ass and make a clean break from him, and he needs to learn that hitting your girlfriend when you're angry is NEVER acceptable, and is going to result in you losing that relationship permanently.

If you take this guy back, you will instead be teaching him that he can get away with hitting you again (and again and again). Do NOT teach him that lesson!

[Juxtapose]

He's going to fucking kill her ass if she doesn't leave him. Non-fatal strangulation is a huge red flag for future lethality.

[Jindy]

@MrOracle. Can you pm me

[Lynx122]

No it doesn't. Especially if it was just a debate. I'm not saying I'm excusing violence in any other context but if it was a fight where you were insulting him provoking him shaming him trying to hurt him on purpose then at least it would be more understndable why he lost his temper but out of nowhere doing this means he has severe issues, no self contro. He seems unstable and violent that even small disagreements can cause him to explode.

I would stay away and get help, go to a place that deals with these kind of things. Maybe get a restraining order. He nearly killed you over a theoretical debate imagine if things get emotional and he feels like maybe you want to leave him or something like that.

If you're even onsidering going back it means you're not seing things clearly, apparently there's a lot of women who keep going back, don't do it please.

Good luck.

[420Rachel]

Good god you need to get away from him. That is absolutely NOT OKAY. I've been in an abusive relationship and it was the most miserable time of my life. No matter what he tells you, no matter how much he says he's sorry or that he won't do it again HE WILL!!! He'll try to make you feel bad so that you'll come back to him but DON'T GIVE IN. TRUST ME! You need to get out of that relationship right now! Move back in with your parents if you have to, that's what I did. No man should ever lay his hands on a woman.

[Vesuvius87]

If he got violent like that over a debate, I don't want to think how he would react on serious matters (financial issues and bills, death in family, child support, etc) so yes he's going to definitely 100% do it again.
Why are you still calling him your boyfriend? No loving partner that claims to really love you ever assaults their boyfriend/girlfriend. Turn him into your ex boyfriend and convict right away. If you continue with him and accept his apology then you got no one else to blame but yourself.

[mindNsoul]

I'm sorry this happened to you. All I'm saying don't be another statistic and don't get stuck in an abusive cycle. Read about how these relationships starts and how they end. Every single woman or man involved would say the abuser apologised to me and was extremely loving and passionate afterwards. Had sex and was remorseful. Do you wish to find out few years down the line that your story is just another one? or worse get killed or crippled for life? what if you had kids and he done that infront of them or to them?

Please for God's sake. Just leave or have a protection order against him. Tell friends or family. Take pictures of your bruases and have evidence. He might stalk you. Please don't take this lightly.

[mindNsoul]

I have a family member who never left or raised charges. she has three kids now and she thinks it is best the children to stay. He first slapped her. Now he hit her with cable cords and whatever he can lay hands on. She is isolated from everyone because he is controlling. She thinks that she loves him and that his love for her will help him see that hitting her is wrong. But guess what? it has been 7 years and he never stopped!

When times are good he takes her out, treat her great, loves her and treat her like nothing else matters. If she leaves he loses his mind and cries like a baby and tell her his life has no meaning without her. And then something makes angry and he always go back into hitting the hell out of her.

And this emotional cycle always repeat itself. She had a miscarriage because one time he got angry while she was pregnant and kicked her on her stomach.

You need to wake up NOW of this illusion you're mistaken for love. Block him and find a man who would actually love you at his worst. Not at his best days.

[sawno]

Here is the thing right, there are going to be scenario's where an emotion can be overpowering, the guy would then get shocked by his actions immediately get out of it and apologize and promise to better behave himself. He'd then pay closer attention to make sure he doesn't get to that point but otherwise is a loving harmless guy.

That is not what i see here, he was excessively abusive here and did not get scared of his actions. He makes promises but you describe him as abusive. An apology isn't going to change that. You already know what you have to do, so let this be an encouragement in leaving.

[Anonymous]

Wow girl you are risking your life with this person. Guys like these end up killing their girlfriends.

You need to get a restraining order immediately and take self defense classes. These type of guys won't stop until they see you in the grave. Its not just a one time event. He showed you his true colors. He's a monster and you need to leave.

Seriously i was in a similar situation and i thought he was perfect and that i would never find someone better. I would focus on the small positives he had instead of accepting the fact that he was manipulative, a monster and didn't love me despite looking into my eyes and telling me that he did. You need to end it

[Simplismilez]

He will. If you have somewhere safe to go then go there. I'd also make a police report and file a restraining order. Please dont listen or believe his apologies. Once they hit they will never stop. Because they know they can over power you and each time it will most likely get worse. Stay sage and make a family member or friend knows where you are if you have to go out alone which I wouldn't recommend yet. He will do and say anything he can to get you back but dont listen to it. Please stay safe.

[DiversityHire]

He will never change, and going back will end poorly for you. You know this, but you're looking for justification to do it anyhow. So the question becomes, do you believe the voice in your head that is telling you he is the best you'll ever find? I wouldn't, not if I were you. Our brains are a really fucky thing, and we will engage in the most self-destructive behavior just because we haven't learned to love ourselves.

You can do better, you will do better, and you don't need his bullshit.

[PinkkFallls]

He’s going to do it again. He clearly can’t control his anger, so he can’t say he won’t do it again. If your seeking advice here’s mine: please don’t stay with him you will end up on the news, 20/20, dateline, the first 48 and more. These cases are so common. He hits her, he apologizes, he says he won’t do it again, she forgives him, the continue on, everything is fine for the first week or two, he lashes out again, it’s just a cycle. You may not think he is capable of taking your life, but that right there is a black out rage where he isn’t mentally present. If he isn’t trying to kill you then what was he trying to accomplish by suffocating and choking you. You deserve someone who can have conversations like that rationally. Not someone who gets that upset over nothing. Those people are extremely dangerous. If you stay with him I promise you will be walking on eggshells on what you can or can’t say or do around him.

[Asker]

I haven’t been alone with him since it happened nor have I been back to his home. After he sent that apology he asked to talk to me in person and after hours of contemplating if I should, I agreed but only if/when I wasn’t home alone. So I waited until my friend, who I share an apartment with, got back from work and told him he could come over but only to talk outside. I still am not comfortable enough letting him lay around me since what happened happened. He gets to house. I go downstairs to meet him. He sees the bruises he left and just stares at me for a few seconds before he starts whispering what seems like apologies to himself for not controlling his “anger” while looking up at the sky. It was almost like he couldn’t bare to look at me even though he was the reason my face was bruised up. He then starts to caress and touch my face. Kissing my forehead, lips, cheek saying “I’m so sorry for what I did.” But it seemed like he was more sorry about the damage rather than being sorry for actually hitting me. He left and I haven’t really had a really sincere conversation or any personal, alone interaction with him but I also haven’t blocked him. I care about him a lot but the scenarios you just named have been in my mind. Imagining my death because he can’t control his rage.

[pleaseloveme]

Thats disgusting dont let him kiss or touch you ever again

[PinkkFallls]

I’m glad you’re taking everything I said into consideration. Even if you break up with him you’ll care about him for a while and even be tempted to go back to him. But just remember that if he does try to go back and you accept it then your life can and will be in danger. Also don’t allow him to think his apologies and affection is making up for it. Let him know what he did is not okay and that he’s on thin ice. And if you’re considering breaking up with him you should let him know that as well

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

They're only ever sorry till the "NEXT TIME" and trust me there will be a next time... I went through 5 years of sorry and it'll never happen again... Yet it always did... Please for your safety and well being, don't waste the years I did...

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Nope.

It's a common tactic called a "love bomb" and is designed to keep a victim in the relationship.

He's never going to get better, he's only going to get worse.

He attacked you over a stupid debate. He literally attempted to kill the woman he supposedly loves because he "lost his temper".

There is no recovering that. Leave him.

[MrKinktastic]

Gtfo, the guy has massive rage and impulse control issues and clearly used violence to get what he wants.


He will charm you until the next time he loses control, then he will apologize, make grand gestures and rinse and repeat until you’re watching him choke your child through swollen eyes.


Get out now.

[chevymcgthatsme]

No defos not the first hit means he can do it again once a women beater always one men jst dont understand it's wrong because they where made to tougher in life nd defos stupid nd they think they can rule us dont take his apologies anymore tht means nothing because if he's done it once he will do it again

[SebastianPlanet6]

You should not tolerate someone who hits the weak (physically weak I mean) and i think you would not want more of this and if that is the case, then you should leave him and never look back because whether you'd like to believe it or not, it will happen again and again and again, ...

[Fuentes]

Ru srs? This is not a joke? Call the police get a report get a restraining order done and gtfo and stay away from a no argument with your S/O should ever turn into a physical altercation i don't care how mad someone is & physical abuse like that can easily turn into a murder one day & why put the people you care about through that?

[memer2020]

Leave leave now , i have seen this situation far far too many times to know where this is going. Contact the police and report him

i have a feeling leaving him won't be enough , you have to report this to the police or your family or your friends , he might stalk you

LEAVE AND CALL THE POLICE OR ANYONE YOU TRUST RIGHT NOW

[Anonymous]

His apologies don't mean anything, he's trying to manipulate you. He doesn't care about you or your safety. You need to get away from him!! He will definitely do it again. Think about it: if a random stranger on the street tried to kill you and then apologized, would you believe it? No! Don't believe it with this deadbeat a**hole. You deserve better, don't fall for his crap