Are sexless relationships a waste of time?

Question

Hi I’m new to GAG this is my first question being posted. My girlfriend rarely wants to have sex. We have even less sex than old couples. 95% of the time she wants to cuddle without sex. I’ve tried talking to her and she always come up with excuses one after another. So in this question I’m going to share with you her excuses and why I’m frustrated.

1. Is that we don’t spend enough time together: I've been trying to spend all my spare time with her. Now I’m over at her house almost every day to a point where people think I live there. Nothing changed!
2. Is my work schedule: I used to work evenings and she’d complain that I come to her house too late and she’s tired. I switched to morning shifts 3 months ago. Nothing changed!
3. I don’t do enough around her house: For example, she wants me to clean her house and do repairs. I try to clean up all her messes. I’ve even learnt a few carpentry skills to repair her house. Nothing Changed!
4. Her work is too stressful:Now she says we can only have sex on our days off because her job is stressful and she needs to sleep after work!

Now she’s telling that sex doesn’t interest her and she can live without sex. Funny that she says that because, she one time dated 2 guys at once. This was like 8 years ago.

Her best friend told me she used to come to her crying because her exe boyfriend never wanted to have sex with her. And how she went and got relationship counselling.

I’m wondering if I should stay or if I should break up with her. I’m also wondering if she’s cheating. Can this be fixed? Let me know in the comments🙂

Genie23 · Accepted Answer

Okay, you asked two questions. First whether it's a waste of time and second whether it can be fixed. But I need to know few more things to be pretty sure why she's doing what she's doing and whether it's worth it.

My first question is how long have you been together and whether you were friends with her before getting into a relationship or just met and went out? Also, has she been avoiding sex since the beginning of the relationship?

Since you mentioned that she did sleep with you, so that rules out that she's waiting for marriage. However there's a possibility that she's asexual that's why she's avoiding it or there could be many other reasons like-

Depression. It can really reduce the urge or will to have it in many people.
Extreme Stress- Hectic schedule and being in a stressful environment everyday and for too long does affect some people so much that they lose will or interest in having sex until things gets better
She's not happy with you. I don't mean necessarily in bed, I mean maybe you did something or didn't do something that she didn't like much to a point of her losing interest in you or maybe she's just not attracted to you anymore physically. (Most couple talk and make efforts if that's the case)
She's going through something. Maybe she's taking some meds that's killing her libido.
Age- Some people lose interest as they get older

Honestly, there are many reasons why a partner suddenly wants to stop being intimidate with you. Thing is we do not know for sure why she lost interest. It's best if you could just sit down and ask her what's going on that even after doing things for her and changing your schedule why is she still so distant and tell her what you need and how it makes you feel unwanted. If she cares, she'll open up and talk about her issues and she'll also make sure your needs will get fulfilled soon after her issues gets sorted. It's better to talk it out than keep waiting for something that's not going to change and since you're not asexual and cannot be happy without sex in a relationship, I'd say it's best that you leave her if she doesn't want to open up and forcing her to do something she doesn't want to.

Now regarding whether it's waste of time... It is a waste of time only if you need sex in a relationship to feel content while she says she has no intentions of ever having sex... which she has already expressed that she can live without it as she's not interested.

So, that leaves your last question- Can it be fixed?

It can't unless she's ready to talk and let you know the issues (if there is any) she's going through so you both can work it out or whether she feels unsatisfied. If she has nothing to say or refuse to say anything other than it doesn't interest her and she doesn't want to have it. Then please just break up. You can't make her have it and I'm sure you don't want her to make you feel like she's doing you a favour. You both have different interest and needs

EmyyWolf · Accepted Answer

You’re probably ugly or undesirable or something.

Do you have money? Do you have COIN in the BANK? Are you rich. Or you make a certain amount above 60k yearly? Because if she got with you for the bag 💰.

It’s definitely gonna be a sexless relationship.

Another thing could be that she’s on birth control. The birth control pill causes a woman to not desire sex as much as she would if she was cycling naturally 🩸. Because our own cycle makes us ovulate and crave sex.

And the other options are that she’s definitely cheating, or met someone new that caught her eye. Or that something about you turned her off.

Is she old? Cause that could also be a factor.

And MAYYYYBE you could fix this if you upgrade yourself and become hotter yourself. Because likely IF she's YOUNG, some other guy caught her gaze. Caught her attention. If it isn’t because of the pill, or because of the menopause.

CaptainOverthink · Accepted Answer

Depends on how important it is for you both. I mean some people can't have sex and some don't want to. Some wait for a specific moment before allowing themselves to.

There could be many reasons for her behavior, including:
- Hormones. New studies have found a connection between the pill and their hornyness, not all though, it's very personal. On a sidenote it may also be that the pill cause a change in preferrences towards less masculine traits, some women even felt gay on- and straight off the pill. It seem to be it can mess with the brains interpretation of signaling and chemicals.
- She has caught a sexual desiese from cheating or rape and can't willfully bare the thought of spreading it to you.
- Rape. She might have gone through something that she don't want or can't talk about.
- Cheating. Maybe she has or has had an affair but can't decide if she wants to stay.
- There might be something up with how your sex is. She might not like it. Maybe try giving her more foreplay and attention to emotions, some needs a lot of tension to be in the mood. Also find out how she likes it
- Maybe she has reccieved bad news of someones health or her own. She may be falling into depression.
- She might be a golddigger and just want you for practicalities.
- If you've never had sex, maybe she is transexual and has a dick still, not willing to lose you over it.
- She is a hardcore religious person and waits for marriage.

How to find out what it is, that's the problem. You've asked and jumped through hoops with no result. Something is up.
Communication is key but if that fails, what else can be done but leave?

If I were you:
I would have a serious talk with her and try to get her to open up about it, I would assure her that I will try to understand and that something needs to change because no good comes from building up frustration and avoiding the subject. That I am on the verge of leaving if I don't get clarity on why our relationship lacks physical passion.

Tip for new GAGer:
Put an "other" option in polls, nothing is black and white. It all depends.
Otherwise it's a good description.

Just don't listen too hard to the awnsers, there're lots of hurt people in the comments, find the insight, don't dig too long or you'll go into a tailspin.

motownplayer2000 · Accepted Answer

Haha, I had a similar experience.. the excuses are the biggest red flag here. If a woman wants to do something she will find the energy to do it. I’ve had a girl who was in that same boat, before I broke it off, I played her games for a minute. She would want to text me at work saying all sorts of bullshit, I would just reply, I’m too tired to text… she would get mad, and I wouldn’t answer. She would call and ask if I was coming over, I would say I’m too tired, I’m already at home, I’ll see her on a particular day. She would get mad. Soon she would start coming over and questioning why I was doing what I was doing… (key here is, she had the energy to get over to my place and question why I was using her same bullshit excuse..) I would tell her, you use that excuse all the time, so I decided I needed to use it since that is also true for me that I was tired from working all day. And stressed. She started accusing me of things. And that’s when things ended…

Moral of the story is, women are lazy when they get in relationships. Unicorns are the women that put forth more effort then you do. Remember, you do all the work to attract them initially, but they have to put in as much if not more work to keep YOU interested in them. Don’t sell yourself short, and definitely don’t give someone like your current girlfriend the luxury of having that ring and legally binding contract. Cause if her ass is lazy now, she will damn sure by 100000x more lazy when she gets to her goal of getting married. Only marry someone that’s effort in the relationship rivals your own (in the way that you want), only then will you be happy.

DaveJord · Answer

See I can't say they are a waste of time... because honestly, I do not know what benefit you are gaining from it.

But for me, if it's a romantic relationship... and she need to be romantically available to me. If she has excuse after excuse about not having sex with me, or if she seems to want to do it as little as possible with me, or she puts conditions on it, or only when she wants it... these are all huge RED FLAG!!

Again, I will not say waste of time, but I am not going to want to date anyone like that. I really don't want to be with someone like that regardless of the situation or circumstance. So yeah, it's not a good my man... you need to do some soul searching on this one.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Dude, her excuses are lame! Either she really doesn't want sex - so what's the future there? - or she is getting the sausage from someone else. Be a man and tell her what you and ask her if she has any interest in continuing to be your girlfriend. This sounds like a breakup waiting to happen. At least you can salvage some of your self-pride by taking charge of the break up.

Leapfrog00 · Answer

Sex is important to a relationship. You both see a part of one another that others don't. It also brings you closer together. From my experience, when a girl she has no interest in sex, she's getting it somewhere else. Especially if she's making excuses.

No one else should be involved in your relationship. Her talking about her friend and how she got relationship advice, you need to tell her, "Your friend may have done that, but you need to focus on us. Just you and I."

There's no way ANYONE can live without sex. Go without, yes. Live without, no, lol. People start to get antsy when they're not getting any. I can tell you from what you've described that she's definitely lying about something. You should ask her if blowjobs or eating out is still on the table, just to see what she says.

And if she makes excuses for that also, there's definitely something more to it. I myself, I never believe people when they say they can go without sex or masturbation. The human body has hormones and urges, and if those urges aren't taken care of, those hormones go wild.

Speaking from someone who's been cheated on, usually if you have a gut feeling, you're being cheated on, or there's someone else she has her eyes on. I'd at least do some more investigating. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship anyway. No sex, no guy wants that! Remember, there's plenty of girls out there. Girls that are willing to work through any problems in a relationship, no matter how big or small. Goodluck to you.

Finchie40 · Answer

You need to kick her to the curb , she doesn’t value you, she just likes the convenience of you , Nothing you do for her will ever be good enough she just looks at you like a friend but doesn’t have any real passion for you , she is the type of girl that would easily spread her legs to a guy that comes off as more masculine and a dickhead to her , she clearly likes the bad boy type , by you constantly kissing her ass is making you look like a wimp to her , Just because a girl complains about things that aren’t going her way , you have to be a man and tell her too bad , sadly this girl knows you are going to kiss her ass so she is taking advantage of you for her convenience, Demanding you do things for her to appease her , You will never be happy being with a girl like that because she only thinks what is best for her , Girls like her you need to not give into her or she will walk all over you , She definitely put you in the friend zone my friend , You are best to walk away and maybe she will chase you but if not then so be it , find yourself a girl that loves you for you not for what you do for her

BadApple69 · Answer

Almost anything can be fixed. It’s just a matter of how much work you are willing to put into this relationship. Her excuses are just that, they are not reality. Sex helps you sleep, and sex reduces stress. She seems to be very willing to have you work around her place but not give you the love you need. If you want this relationship to last think about couples counseling. The fact she wants to cuddle to me says she wants closeness. Besides that are their any other clues that she wants this relationship?

mstbooblover · Answer

First of all let's keep in mind that the sex drive is not at the same level for everyone. Actually a rather common problem.

Personally, I can only consider a relation with a woman, and sure I'd want regularly sex. On the other hand I know that many people of any gender want to live with someone not necessaryly only for sex. Many people just crave for plain contact, cuddling, help, company, confidence, intimacy, etc.

If the sex drive is too different in partners, then I don't see their intimate relation last very long, which does not mean remaining friends wouldn't be possible. I suggest you to try and talk with your girlfriend to clarify the situation and take a decision accordingly. Anyway, early or late you will clearly go somewhere else if the situation doesn't change. Best wishes.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

You are not married to her. You are young.
can you see yourself like this for the next 10-20 years?

Learn from this…there are others who are more compatible with yiu.

as well…find out if she needs the romance to feel excited…doing things is nice … it that will not make me want sex

Peter_Penetrator · Answer

No. I can love a great woman whether or not sex is involved. Sometimes our bodies are unfit.

For me, to stay loyal, I just take some “me time” to relieve that built up stress.

Now, if she has gone through the “change” and refuses to take hormones to stop the bitchiness, then she’s got to go.

Sex is not worth being in a shitty relationship.

No relationship is worth being unhappy.

sheikalana · Answer

Not necessarily. Only if both parties are not happy with the fact that their relationship is sexless. Sexless relationships are more common than we think. There's a lot of married people who haven't had sex in months and they're still happy/together.

Anonymous · Answer

How is the sex _for her_ when you do have it? If it’s bad or just not good then that can cause you to lose interest as it’s just not worth the mess when you’renlefr unsatisfied anyway.

It could also be that’s she’s not that attracted to you.

Justneedtokno · Answer

Yes, plutonic relationships are necessary just to talk to someone and just hang out without the expectations of. I have to have sex with this person at the end of the day or you think they like you or whatever the case may be and it’s nice to get a good POV of the opposite sex. I haven’t found this yet, but it would be nice

EpicSnail · Answer

I feel like you're locating the problem with her rather than considering whether there is anything about yourself that makes her not want to sleep with you. Are you healthy? Clean? Smell good? Happy? Fun to be around? Empathetic? Strong? These things matter.

Kinkyhubby · Answer

She might have become asexual and really doesn't want sex, it won't get better for you. The excuses will always be there. This is your chance to end it and get out now, if it is important to you. It will only male you doubt yourself more and question her action more later down the road, especially if you too decide to marry. I say make a clean break now. I was In that position. Some people are happy with that lifestyle. But it better to know now, while dating.

msc545 · Answer

She might be very depressed. Does she seem slowed down to you prior to what she was like when you first met her? Is she sleeping a lot? Has her appetite or her weight changed, and if so, is she eating less or more now? Does her speech seem slow? What kind of work does she do? If you would answer these questions for me I can give you a better idea regarding possible depression.

Reorx · Answer

Depends, if that's what you signed up for then no. I'd be willing to invest some time / effort courting a girl I thought was marriage material before having sex; I'm marriage minded myself. I'd rather not have children out of wedlock anyway being raised by a single parent.

Sour-rose · Answer

Nah. I want a sexless relationship and I think as long as we make time worthy, it's a lovely relationship without such nasty actions

Dalisay409 · Answer

No way I'm staying in a relationship without sex.

Billlewis · Answer

It's not really that important that she's having sex with me, but I do want her to be in a sexual relationship with another guy, and preferably be having sex with him fairly frequently.

spartan55 · Answer

Dude, if it were me I wouldn't even bother to find out of she was cheating. She is not holding up her end of the relationship. Don't think it will get better, it won't. Dump her.

Lliam · Answer

I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone like that? I think she's playing you.  Get out now. Tell her to clean her own damn house.

Are sexless relationships a waste of time?

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