I am ready for all those Karens and Kens but I choose to say what I want to say anyways. I am in a relationship with a 29 year old dude. He had never been in a relationship before and he isn't too expressive and affectionate. I get that he is not used to being with someone but I have been through some things and would require some reassurance in a relationship from time to time. I feel like he doesn't always give that to me. Now I know I need to work on myself, to heal those wounds, but I also think that just by a couple of words, he can help give me a push. I think I am not asking for a lot when I expect the guy to tell me that he loves me or that he misses me when we are apart for a long time or remind me of how much I mean to him. I know they are just words, and that actions mean more but sometimes it's nice to hear them from your partner and considering the amount of anxious thoughts I get, they would help me calm them down. Him and his family don't express any kind of emotion to one another. They barely talk or know anything about each other's current life. So I get why he doesn't put that much importance to all this, but I have been asking for this and I am not receiving what I need. I don't know what else I can do. People tell me that I either accept the way he shows his love for me (the way he knows how to) or I ensure that my needs for love and affection are met so I reevaluate our relationship. I want to strengthen our relationship but I really don't feel secure in the relationship.
Can an inexpressive and unaffectionate dude be with a person that needs constant reassurance and words of affirmation?
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You are 100% correct, you are not asking for a lot. It’s one of those simple things its ok to need in a relationship that we worry is too much or too disagreeable. The thing is though, you have to request it from the right person, and understand their boundaries in what they can and cannot provide.
One thing you have to realize is that your love language isn’t like your boyfriends. What you need is something that isn’t within him to give. No matter how much you ask, try to explain or even rationalize, he just can’t fully step into that person you want him to be. So what do you do with that? Well, it brings you to a very disheartening crossroads and that’s to either coexist with it or leave altogether. There’s things in relationships that you cannot compromise, and I think your need for reassurance and affirmation is one of them.
Saying that out loud may make you feel bad, like maybe you need to do something differently or just accept who he is. But it’s not natural for you, it doesn’t feel good and no matter what it will always be an issue. So you’ve got some tough choices to make, and I know that isn’t what you want to hear — you want a solution, a compromise, something that doesn’t result in your relationship ending over what you think is stupid and small. However we all have to face these tough decisions in our life at some point and while it’s far from easy, it doesn’t make it less necessary.
I sometimes do end up believing that some way or another I am creating problems when there shouldn't be because all I have known are WAVES. Nothing stable or secure in any kind of relationship. But I do also believe that I can't fully compromise with this. I think my need for words is much bigger than he thinks. I have expressed this to him countless times and he's working on it. I can see him doing better but I still don't think it is enough. I am not feeling fulfilled/satisfied in the relationship.
Well, we could say be patient and see if the changes become more substantial, but if they aren’t then they’re just not and you have to be honest with yourself about that. Who knows, maybe in some situations you do create issues, we’re human we aren’t perfect. What you don’t want to do is gaslight yourself though or sacrifice what you need to accommodate this relationship. I definitely understand not having stable and secure relationships, but if there’s anything you should take from those experiences it’s to always do better. So if it’s not working with him ultimately then don’t rob yourself of any more time that you can’t get back. If you settle then you’ll never find who you’re truly meant to be with if it’s not him.
I'm so sorry to be coming here again but you seem to be good with words. I recently added his parents on my socials and realised he didn't. We had talked about this happening when we were friends and in the process of becoming something more. I just thought that after he saw I added his parents, he would automatically think to add mine :/ Today I asked him why he didn't and he said he's not the type, he said he doesn't like to add people.
Then he said he will but that defeats it all because I truly wanted him to want to add them. On the inside my thought was "they aren't just some people tho, they're my people who supposedly mean something to you too" anyways and then I told him how I noticed he also doesn't leave a like on my siblings' posts while I interact with his brother's posts and he said he also doesn't press like on many pictures online. Now I know that he's liked scandalous pictures of girls on Instagram so again my thought was " you didn't mind liking those pictures but you think you're not the type to interact with your girlfriend's family's posts? " I dunno. I didn't want to continue this conversation because the last thing that I wanted was another argument but I'm just left saddened by this :( This is exactly the reason why I don't feel even slightly secure in the relationship.
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