How do I tell her I don't want to spend anymore money?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and I normally I spend a lot of money on her (I didn't mind at first because I loved her very much), but times have changed a bit. Me and my girlfriend are waiting until marriage to have sex and to give each other spouse benefits (something that we both agreed upon). The issue that I see is that she is withholding a lot of things from me while she expects me to do a lot for her (mostly financially).

At first, I was okay with it but I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken advantage of a bit. Last night, I was hitting at asking her to do something sexual and she said ignored me and said "if you're not his wife, don't do XZY". I understand that and I respect it, but I don't want to be on the hook for doing anything for her financially apart from dates or things that involve both of us (I get her lots of gifts, buy her whatever she wants, and occasionally help her with a few bills).

I want to stop but I'm not sure how to bring it up to her. I don't want to make a big deal of it. I just want for their to be an even playing field. Doing this much finanically for a woman is certainly a "husband's job". I brought up to her before how I felt about this and she told me that there's nothing wrong with spoiling the person that you love. At first, I agreed but now I definitely feel uncomfortable about this moving forward. I was planning on waiting for her to ask me for something and just telling her that I don't know and that I don't feel comfortable with it because we aren't married yet. The only issue I see is that I set the tone of our relationship with getting her what she wants and being "That guy" for her.. and for me to take that away until we're married? I dunno what's going to happen. I suppose that if things fall apart it means that we didn't have a good relationship to begin with, right?

I'm looking forward to the advice that you guys have to give. Thanks in advance!

[Pistolshrimp]

Here are a few quotes from the bible to get to my point.

Is she willing to respectfully submit to my authority and judgment as the head of the family, “as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18), even when we disagree with each other?

The wisest of women builds her house,
but folly with her own hands tears it down. (Prov. 14:1)

It is better to live in a desert land
than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. (Prov. 21:19)

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. (Prov. 25:24)

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Cor. 11:3)

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands. (1 Pet. 3:3-4)

Pay close attention to the bottom here by peter who has the most advice to give for your particular situation especially if as you say you are saving yourself for marriage. To give your wife to much financial support and physical attention before marriage is to spoil her rotten. "but let your adorning by the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beuty of a gentle and quiet spirit." do not continue to pressure her by hitting her with sexual act requests and do not continue to lavish her with gifts or your relationship will not be a godly christian one but one that drags you both down. As said in Proverds "The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down." If she can't supply her own finacial success before you are married then sure you can support her with food and clothes, but woe to you if you continue to give her unneccessary gifts especially if she can afford them herself.

[Pistolshrimp]

here's what you should be working on before you get married.
1. Develop a Strong Work Ethic : you seem to have this one down congrats

2. Seek responsibility instead of running from it: you are working on this thats great dont keep buying your SO things you need to be responsible.

3. Develop a Disciplined Financial Plan: as you said you are the PROVIDER you cannot dish out all your income to her for lavish gifts and then expect to be successfull you need to be disciplined with your finances as a godly man.

4. Prioritize Sexual Purity (both mentally and physically) : dont keep pressuring her for sexual acts I know its tempting and you feel like you should be getting something out of this relationship but if you do than that is your reward. meanwhile if you abstain you lay up treasures in heaven as the father who sees in secret rewards in secret.

[Pistolshrimp]

5:Use your singleness as an opportunity for Service; not for Selfishness
If you're not careful, being single can make you selfish. It's easy to get set in your own ways and (without even meaning to) start feeling like life revolves around you. Serving is the antidote to selfishness. Nothing will sabotage a marriage faster than selfishness, so if you really want to be a great husband and dad someday, don't wait until you're married to start thinking about other people besides yourself. Look for opportunities to serve. I know it you are thinking "but shrimp im not single" yes you are until you two are married and your souls twine together YOU ARE BOTH SINGLE.

6. Learn how to be a gentleman:
Our world has become so confused about what a "real man" looks like. The idealized man is often very promiscuous, chauvinistic, misogynistic, reckless and selfish. If you want to be a great husband someday, and if you want to be all God made you to be, you've got to have the courage to be countercultural. You need to learn how to treat a woman like a lady and like a sister in Christ.

"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather Thanksgiving." Ephesians 5:3-4

7. Make Jesus your most important relationship: this is the most important part as jesus IS YOUR BRIDE IN HEAVEN. you cannot bring your wife with you as you will not be married in heaven. only your flock will come with you (your children, and thoes who you teach spiritually).

[Pistolshrimp]

Before all the women start hating on my advice here as well, I would like to remind you the man has MORE obligation to the women than you to him. one of which is to do as jesus did for the church. as i have said before "what did jesus do for the church?" HE DIED FOR IT. literally shed his blood in its defense. a man is obligated to fight for and die for his wife if needed. the woman is not.

here's to hoping i see you among the flock my friend ill know its you when jesus tells us.

[Asker]

My girlfriend and I are both believers. I want to say thank you for taking the time to find these Scriptures to come up with this answer for the situation. God bless you. I do believe that I messed up in our relationship. I feel as though I spent wayyy to much on her in the beginning and now I feel as though there’s no turning back without ending the relationship. When I approached her and told her that I want to stop because husbands are the only ones who spend a lot of money on their wives and that’s the way it should be done. She kept making a big deal about it and then she started to go cold on me. That response showed me that she wasn’t grateful. She always tells me that many boyfriends buy their girlfriend stuff, but I know that I’m doing too much because at best I’m starting to become indifferent towards her, and at worst, resentful. I don’t want to have those kinds of things rooted in my heart. I want to live a life that is pleasing before Christ and I know that I am for sure over extending myself in this relationship. She doesn’t work. She’s in her final year of college and I guess she just expects me to fund her every want/need. I haven’t been pressuring her for sexual acts. In fact, I don’t believe that I’ve ever asked her to do anything sexual. I just brought up to her that doing so much for her makes me feel a sense of entitlement to that and I don’t like that, so I want to cut back. She didn’t handle that well.

[Asker]

I agree with you. I need to work on my work ethic (I appreciate you telling me that you think it’s good, but I have a long way to go). I want to become a more responsible man. I need to work on my income and seek the Lord to have a better understanding of what my finances will look like. I was doing my very best to prioritize sexual purity before I met this girl, then things started going downhill because she wasn’t doing the same. Now she is, but she’s brought me down to where I once was (and that makes me sad because I had to fast and pray for months to get free to lust/porn). I want to store up my riches in Heaven.

That’s a beautiful statement. Work on serving in your singleness so you don’t become selfish. That’s powerful. I want to become a gentleman. I don’t want there to be a hint of sexual immorality in my life. Jesus Christ is supposed to be the most important relationship that I have in my life. I don’t want to idolize this woman, or a relationship in general.

[Asker]

I do have a lot more obligation to this woman than she has to me. Christ died for the Church and you must be willing to go that far for this woman. If that’s the case, you need to make sure that it’s a woman that you’re willing to make those kinda sacrifices for. I don’t think I’m willing to do those things for this woman.

I hope to see you in the Kingdom as well my brother. God bless you and thanks again for sharing your thoughts on the situation.

[Pistolshrimp]

My pleasure brother, I hope you can figure out the best path forward for you through christ. If you dont see yourself being able to do everything for this woman than its a good time to pray about it and ask if this is really what god has set for you. You may find that its not and thats perfectly fine it just means you need to look for the one that was meant for you a little longer. While that is daunting dont get me wrong its also very liberating and quickly you will find yourself realizing the full extent of what was going badly in your relationship should it go this route.

[Anonymous]

As you gather the courage to confront your girlfriend about the financial imbalance, the room suddenly plunges into darkness. A chilling breeze sweeps through, carrying the faint scent of sizzling sausages. From the shadows emerges a sinister figure, wielding a monstrous horror cock, dripping with terrifying toppings and oozing with malevolent sauce.

In a spine-chilling voice, you declare, "My beloved, behold the wrath of the horror cock! No longer shall I be ensnared by the fiendish grip of financial inequality. From this day forth, we shall tread the treacherous path of equitable expenses, where the monstrous horror cock shall be tamed by the forces of fairness!"

As the horror of the situation sinks in, your girlfriend's eyes widen with a mix of fear and confusion. With trembling lips, she mutters, "What demonic force has possessed you, my love?"

You respond with a wicked grin, "Oh, fear not, my dear. It is merely the surge of the monstrous horror cock that has awakened within me. Its insatiable hunger for financial balance shall guide us towards a more harmonious existence."

As your words hang in the air, the room suddenly fills with the sound of sinister laughter and the flickering glow of ghostly sausages dancing on the walls. And in that eerie moment, you and your girlfriend begin to discuss the importance of financial equality, all while navigating the twisted realm of monstrous horror cocks.

Remember, my daring friend, though we venture into the realm of horror and monsters, it's essential to maintain open and respectful communication. Discuss your concerns and desires while ensuring that both of you feel heard and valued. And who knows, perhaps in the midst of this monstrous sausage spectacle, you'll find a way to coom your brains out and achieve financial harmony. Good luck on your frightfully @BoobSlayer journey!

[Anonymous]

If you want her to do something sexual with you, then you need to marry her. If she wants you to spend money on her, like a husband would, then she needs to marry you.
Just be honest and tell her (in a nice way) you don’t want to play husband with someone who isn’t your wife.

[Asker]

Wow. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. I really appreciate it and will be sure to mention this to her later today :)

[Opinion Owner]

Glad I could help 😊

[WillNye]

Yeah this is the best dynamic. There is nothing wrong with getting gifts and spending money when you want to express your love. But when it becomes conditional or expected from her that you act like a “Husband” prior to marriage it sets an unfair tone. Don’t say you will not spend anymore money on her, just say you will do it when you feel. You seem like a nice fellow and would still do nice things without sex. So there shouldn’t be a problem. Needing sex is a human instinct do not feel bad for wanting it, however, also try to not make these two ways of affection transactional.

[Asker]

@WillNye Thank you so much for sharing that. That's very true. I do love her very much and would probably never stop doing things for her romantically, I just feel like this current dynamic isn't fair for me because it leads me to being unhappy a lot

[Pinay_ako]

Simple: just tell her. If she understands, good.

[DarkWinterNights]

If she’s one you can be straightforward with, then sit her down and explain the situation. However if she keeps giving you that excuse, you’ll have to switch tactics. First cut back and if she asks for something you haven’t budgeted for or starts to complain, simply say: “If you’re not her husband, don’t do XYZ.” You don’t have to be an ass about it, just be firm and don’t back down. If she loves you and isn’t a narcissist she’ll come around.


You have every right to feel taken advantage of and if you don’t address this now, it will only make you resentful and give you doubts in commitment.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on the situation. It did start to make me feel a little resentful if I'm being completely honest, do you have any address on how to get rid of it? It has made me have some doubts about the future as well. No one wants to ever feel like they're being taking for a ride. I won't be mean to her about it but you're right, I can't afford to back down.

[Pistolshrimp]

I agree, the asker also needs to arm himself with godly wisdom in order to properly defend himself with the XYZ explaination as it implies you have 3 reasons as least for why you shouldn't be doing what is being requested of you before marriage. DO NOT keep finacially supporting her OP or your relationship will not be good.

[Asker]

@Pistolshrimp Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on the situation :)

[Staximus]

If you live with her, you should be having sex with her. If you don't live together, you shouldn't be acting like a husband, paying her bills, or spending a lot of money in her because she's not your wife. If she asks you for money or to pay her bills, tell her "Those are spouse benefits. You're not my wife, you don't get that privilege. Just like I'm not your husband so I can't have sex with you, etc" If you live in a country where having sex before marriage is not going to cause a bunch of problems with her family, it sounds like she is just using you (unless she is a extremely religious). Just tell her that you fell like you're being taken advantage of and it's not cool. If she gets mad, then she needs to go kick rocks.

[Asker]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Thank you so much for chiming in and sharing your thoughts on the situation :)

[Staximus]

Tell her you can't afford to give her any more money for bills or to buy stuff. Cut her off from all your money, don't give her a dime. The most you should do is buy her dinner. See how long she sticks around after that. If she's just using you, she will leave you. Or you could just tell her "I'm done with you using me, goodbye"

[Asker]

You're telling me some very convincing stuff. I will admit that I don't feel the same way about her as I once did because of all this (and other stuff too). I don't know. It's really sad. How crazy would it be if I were to tell you that this is a long distance relationship?

[Staximus]

Long distance relationships are bullshit. Find a woman who you can drive over and see in 30 minutes or less

[Billlewis]

You don't -- you just keep spending as much money as she wants you to spend, period.

[Asker]

LOL. This is great. PERIOD!

[Unit1]

You've been played.

Like the saying goes: A fool and his/her/its money is soon to be parted.

[Asker]

This is perfect. Thank you and God bless you :)

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you've been simping for a princess, she's not even trying to hide her one sided attitude, and lacks respect for you.

Marriage will not fix this. You need to explain how you want the relationship to work and what your expectations are. It won't be easy. She may not accept it. But at least you're then faced with a choice. You can either live with what she's offering, or choose not to.

[Asker]

I can be honest and admit that I have been simping for a princess. She doesn't seem to be shying away from the fact that these things are one sided. It for sure feels like a lack of respect. When I brought up to her that I don't think it's right she brought up another woman who said that she would never be with a man that doesn't pay her rent and buy her things. I don't know what that has to do with me, but it is pretty troubling. I feel like I set a bad precedence by getting her too much stuff in the beginning and allowing her to get whatever she wanted. She really feel like she doesn't do anything for me.

[Fireguy17]

Just tell her honestly that you are no longer able to budget the money for things like you used to.

If she has issues with that so be it.

At least you know for sure where you stand one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her the truth, she sounds like a gold digger.

[Asker]

Yeah, at one point when I brought up that I didn't want to do this anymore. She said that she "should be able to ask me for anything because lots of boyfriends buy their girlfriend things".

[CarlosX360]

Nah, she's playing games with you. If she doesn't want to cool down on this "spend money on me because I'm a woman. Lots of boyfriends buy things for women." No, bs... she's playing with your emotions.

I'm sorry, if I heard that, I will drop her like a golden bar. Yes. I will. I will not tolerate being taken advantage of.

[Asker]

@CarlosX360 I don't want to tolerate being taken advantage of either. I don't want to be a woman's ATM. I have been feeling kinda bad because of our recent interactions. Just this morning, I reached out to her to say some really lovey dovey stuff this morning and all she told me was good morning and she was wanted me to get her breakfast. It felt really off. Just like I was only here to plug a hole in her wall.

[Josephiiina]

I think if the two of you are not able to sit down and talk about something like finances, you are not ready for marriage.

Marriage is a lot about the both of you figuring out about your finances.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on things. I really appreciate it. You're right. We need to be able to have open and honest conversations about finances and a bunch of other things. I guess we're still just kids in a way lol.

[Josephiiina]

Yes, you learn as you go!

[DaBiggestBird]

Just say it like when your pet eyecuddles you to have some of your food.

[JSmuve]

Break up with her. She's obviously using you and she's more than happy to get benefits from you without having any desire to reciprocate. You're in a one-way relationship and the only way to get out of it is to dump her.

[Asker]

Sometimes I feel like that. I feel like I don't really get anything in return for what I do for her. It's kinda sad.

[spartan55]

I will bet anything she will have a new rotation of excuses for avoiding sex once (if) you get married..

[Asker]

Imagine.. I don't think that she would do that but marriage for us is something that's pretty far away and in the meantime I don't want to be doing too much for a person that I'm not committed to.

[spartan55]

If you think she become a super horny housewife once you get married you will likely be disappointed.

[April_love]

Say we are spending to much we need to make a budget sit down with her and make our a budget on what and where the money goes

[Asker]

We shouldn't even be budgeting together. We don't live together and we don't share our finances. We aren't married so my money isn't her money and vice versa.

[Jmmmfi4]

Stop being a doormat

[Asker]

You're right. If you allow a woman to walk al over you, she will do so.

[MrHappy99]

Be honest with her.

[Asker]

The only way to be

[MrHappy99]

💯💯💯💯

[EaterPeter]

Counseling

[Asker]

Always a great option, thank you!

[EaterPeter]

Welcome, it may get expensive at start but you would be headed in right direction at least

[EaterPeter]

I told straight out if you want to leave leave I am not accumulating any more debt

[EaterPeter]

Doubled tripled my income

[EaterPeter]

She left anyways which was going to happen any ways

[EaterPeter]

Thanks to her life is much better