For context, I used to be very close to this individual, but are no longer in contact after we had a major falling out. (Or rather, he did. I don't think I was ever actually arguing.)
During the conflict, he constantly accused me of crossing boundaries. He always said he didn't want to talk about the issue "now" or he'd be ready "in a few days/couple weeks". And I would accept the answer and come back later, only to get the same answer and be informed that contacting him at that time was crossing his boundaries. And he did sort of talk about the issue after a couple weeks, but even when I tried to apologize and ask how he wanted to move forward, he refused to accept the apologies, refused to answer/was very vague, and would lie or change his mind without telling me*. Half the time he just gave me the silent treatment/used other forms of emotional manipulation until things escalated to the point I was having a panic attack and I was sitting there trying to figure out how to explain that honesty/communication was a safety issue for me, while still respecting his preferences and not putting pressure on his decisions.
So at this point, I know that some of his behaviors were outright emotionally abusive, but I'm still hung up on this. Was I actually crossing boundaries by attempting to communicate on our conflict, asking for clarification of his expectations/boundaries, and trying to do the bare minimum to keep myself safe & healthy in the mean time? I don't think so, but it's hard to hear that you're refusing to respect someone, when you're doing everything in your power to do the exact opposite. I guess realistically I'm here for emotional validation, but it you'd like to politely disagree/provide another perspective, I'm happy to hear that as well.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
3Opinion
Sounds like to me he not doing things like a man
That childish crap crossing boundaries
Look in New Testament
Man is responsible to his wife
Adam was charged for fall of man
Not Even
So I would suggest leave his ass let him think on it
Then call him back and he still childish go get a better man
I already cut contact a couple months ago, messaged him like twice to tie up some loose ends on my part, but that's it. Neither of us have any intention of speaking again, though I've let him know that if he wants at some point in the future to apologize he has permission to approach me for that purpose specifically. I doubt he will though, he holds grudges for a long time.
Also, we very much were not dating, but that's certainly one take regardless.
And while boundaries are a legit thing and important to solving conflict peacefully, I've done a lot of reading on the topic since then and the one thing that really stood out to me is that a "boundary" is actually a statement about your behavior in response to other people's, not a request/expectation of the other person's behavior. I don't think he understood that, and I definitely didn't considering how I let him treat me.
that would depend on how long he actually means by a few days or a couple of weeks
any shorter would crossing his boundaries. anymore should be fine but again this is very vague
As in, if he said one thing, but meant another, I was crossing boundaries; or if he said one thing and I did another, I was crossing boundaries?
But regardless, he would give really vague answers most of the time. Sometimes it would be "not right now/later", sometimes it would be "in a few days", sometimes he would suggest he's be over the issue entirely in a couple weeks, and sometimes he'd say he may never get over it and I'd just have to wait and see. And most of the time he would set the boundary is "not talking about why he was upset" (but usually just labeled as "this" when a topic wasn't even proposed yet), but would get mad at me for contacting him at all, even for a different purpose. I called it off at 5 weeks. And from what he said/did, these didn't seem to be "no contact" periods, they were just sometimes treated that way, usually without warning. Ex. he'd occasionally contact me, or if I contacted him he'd respond politely, but other times he'd respond very negatively, with no interaction in between instances.) Generally, if he gave an explicit timeline, I followed it as much as our situation allowed (there were some circumstances in which we had no choice, but to interact.)
Like I said, some of this was just plain abusive, so it's really hard to sort out my mistakes from all the things he tried to blame me for.
Do you have self respect?
Bro move on
No, I have an anxiety disorder and a history of dealing with narcissistic emotional abuse instead lol. I am moving on. I spent a couple months in therapy working through this stuff. It just happens to be quite difficult to have one of your closest, most trusted friends suddenly start to hate you for pretty much no reason and string you along for several weeks, with the intent of months, with lies, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation, while vilifying you to all your mutual friends and acquaintances. It's not like I knew what he was doing at the time 🤷♀️