I need some outsiders view. Whats your perspective?

[Anonymous]

My ex/ baby daddy says things like..." I love you, I miss you, you're beautiful, do you want to be with me?, I don't want any other woman but you, i won't hurt you, it won't be like last time." I want to believe him but I have my doubts because I don't trust him. He cheated me last time we were together. He was mean and at the time I didn't know he was an addict. So fast forward 6 years. he's saying all the things to me. I told him before im uncertainof my feelings. I've been single for 6 years. He was my last relationship. So over the weekend my son and i went out to visit him. We were eating and his fb messenger rings he silents it. It rings again. He answers it and walks outside with it. I heard a girl on the phone and he was laughing and said ok I'll call you back later. He comes back in touches my hair. I shrug him off. Then he asks if we can talk. So he asked me what wrong. I said it doesn't matter. He said you're upset I can tell. I asked about the phone call. He said " she's a girl from the center. We're just friends. She's after all the guys there. I told her not call while my baby momma and son were visiting. She asked why can't I call while your baby momma is there? He said because it will cause a conflict. I told him wow she sounds respectful and classy. Why be friends with someone like that? He said I don't know but I'll talk to her when I get back. (He's in sober living) . Well then when we left he said he would let me know I got back home. I had a bad headache. He called me 3xs and texted me. Then the next morning called me and got mad because I didn't tell him I made it home. Then he got off the phone and I didn't hear from the rest the day. And this whole he's been distant like he's giving me a silent treatment. But I haven't been really talking either because I think he's lying to me. So because I'm all in my head and shutting down. He's not really talking either.

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, this whole situation sounds so messy and complicated. From an outside perspective, here are a few things that stand out to me:

- You clearly don't trust him after how he treated you last time, and for good reason. Cheating and addiction are major red flags.

- Taking that secret phone call from another girl, especially one he seems close with, was shady AF. His excuse didn't really check out either.

- The fact he got defensive and almost pissed that you wouldn't blindly believe him is a red flag too. He's not owning his past behavior.

- Now he's giving you the silent treatment because you're understandably not fully engaged? Manipulative.

To be honest, I don't think a relationship would be healthy or good for either of you right now. He clearly still has issues to work on in his recovery. And you deserve way better than this disrespect and drama after everything.

If I were you, I'd keep your distance for now. Focus on you and your son. He needs to prove with his actions over time that he's changed before you open your heart to him again, if ever. Don't let him rush or pressure you. You know what's best for you sis. Stay strong!

[Asker]

You're right. I'm not ready for relationship. Because I don't think I could give the other person the best of me. Because I'm not there yet. I'm an abstinent Christian and I'm trying to draw closer to God. And right now I'm uncertain of my feelings. And I've explained this to my son' dad when we started talking and he started visiting our son. But no he had to keep telling me things like he loves me and he thinks we could be a happy family this time. And I'm like I'm not ready. I need to heal. He asked how long does it take for you to heal. I don't know there's not a clock counting down. I've forgiven him. But I don't know if he's the same person who slightly changed? He's like I'm not the same person and if you can't see I've changed that's on you not me. I'm like yeah do you even remember the things you've done and said to me? He's like no because he's was on drugs and was a jerk.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow sis, this is a tricky situation for sure. But honestly it sounds like you've got the right mindset - you know you need more time to heal before fully diving back in.

And that dude asking how long it'll take is rude, like healing isn't something you can put a timer on. It's a journey. You've already forgiven him, but rebuilding full trust after what you went through takes consistency over time.

Plus it's good that you're focusing on your relationship with God right now too. That inner work is so important. This clown trying to rush you and say it's on you if you don't see he's changed overnight is disrespectful as hell. Actions speak way louder than words with someone who hurt you before.

You just keep doing you and working on you sis. Don't let anyone pressure you until YOU feel fully ready. And if homeboy can't respect those boundaries, then he don't deserve another chance yet either. Your healing is what matters most right now. You've got this girl - keep your head up!

[Asker]

Aww man I do appreciate your kind words of wisdom. Thank you so much for taking time to read my drama and responding and being uplifting. That awesome. You're good people. Thank you. I'm gonna just focus on growing my faith and being a better mom. I honestly thought about writing my son's dad a letter. But I don't think it would mean anything to him. Im just mind blown that he calls himself a Christian and still acts this way with me.

[Oliverlogan263]

For real, no problem at all! I'm always down to lend an ear if you need someone objective to talk to. And hey, don't even stress about that dude - like you said, focusing on your faith and being the best mom to your son is way more important anyway. That letter idea could be good just to get your thoughts out, but honestly I wouldn't expect him to really hear you if he's acting like that still. Some people say they're Christians but their actions tell a different story, ya know?

You seem like you've got a really good head on your shoulders though. Just keep doing you and staying true to what you believe in. Over time I'm sure you'll find your way to the right path whether he's in the picture the right way or not. And hey, feel free to hit me up anytime if you want another friendly perspective! Wishing you all the best going forward.

[Summeroflove]

I don’t know if he’s genuinely charged but are you going to roll the dice on this happening again? It seems like you have your doubts and deep down I don’t think you feel it’s meant to be. It’s your choice you could start slow and start over again, but not pick up where you left off that’s a really bad idea.

At the end of the day this man put you through hell and if you have a gut feeling something is going on with this chick maybe there’s a small chance there’s not there’s probable deniability but at the same time if I was to bet money I would bet he has something going on.

Maybe feelings came back up in him maybe he was reminiscing at the end of the day be respectful and tell him your honest opinion. That you think you’re better off as friends or just coparenting being civil. I appreciate you being honest with me about how you feel but I think we would both be happier finding someone else. Tell him you don’t want to hear about it anymore and if you change your mind you’ll bring it up to him.

Keep your class the only obligation he has to you is that child that's really it you’re not obligated to put up with his bullshit anymore I think you’ve lived enough of that.

You both probably aren’t perfect I hope he’s a changed man for the sake of his baby but at the same time I don’t know if it’s worth it. I really don’t.

[Asker]

Yesterday he called me and was acting immature. You know how when a little kid mocks you. That's how he was acting. I was at the store with my mom. And he's like well I guess I get off here cause I'm trying to tell you something but you're talking to someone else. But before that call he called me earlier and I was trying to explain how I don't think his affection and compliments are sincere. And I think he tells me those things because we have a kid together. He said that that was ignorant to say. That he had those feelings before our son. And then he told me I'm always negative and it's annoying. Then hung up.

[Summeroflove]

Asker you have your answer and put your foot down that you’re not obligated to deal with his shit

You have a kid with him so you have to interact but you don’t have to tolerate being talked to like that. I would say never go back to him

[Summeroflove]

It’s better to be single in peace forever then with somebody like this

[Asker]

Yeah I suppose you're right. That's why I didn't get back with him. But he was telling me yesterday that he doesn't lie about his feelings. That he catches feeling quick. But then tells me I'm always negative. But what really bothers me is why he doesn't ever ask about our son? Like why don't you put in effort to get to know him? Do you really love him?

[Summeroflove]

Yeah that’s true unfortunately he’s probably not mentally stable. It’s a sad thing maybe one day he will come to his senses

[Asker]

Maybe. Only God knows

[Summeroflove]

All you can do is pray for someone like that but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate his bullshit. The only obligation you have to one another is the child.

[SweetJoyGirl]

I stopped reading after…

”i won't hurt you, it won't be like last time”

Let him play you. Then you are going to come on here again; talking about popping out another baby for him, and asking what to do about it.

Girlllllll…don’t make me laugh. Drop him.

[SweetJoyGirl]

Is he paying child support? He better be paying child support. Shiiiii 😂

[Asker]

No he doesn't pay child support. I didn't go after him for it.

[SweetJoyGirl]

Girl…

[Asker]

I didn't see a point back then to go after an addict for money he didn't have.

[SweetJoyGirl]

An addict?
You couldn’t choose a better baby daddy or what? 😭
Well, it would make reality more clear to him. Perhaps, he would have straightened up because of it.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm not happy about the choices I've made. But I'm trying to do better and I don't know what to do at this point. I don't know if that would have straighten up him he has 2 kids with another girl and was paying child support.

[SweetJoyGirl]

Take it to court.

[SweetJoyGirl]

You are raising his children for 18 dang years.