My boyfriend has a violent past should I be worried?

[StormMistress]

He told me as a child he had a lot of anger issues and would get very aggressive when tormented. He says now he’s developed a thick skin against insults so he’s fairly passive but the deep anger is still below and if he’s really really stressed it can trigger him.

Should I be concerned about this? He says he has control on it and would never hurt me but what if we got into a really bad fight? What if he didn’t realise what he was doing if he got lost in his anger?

[Guardian45]

I'm ND and as a teen I had anger issues, but I took anger management class, and learned to address and manage it.

The devil is in the details. Find out about his anger issues. How violent was he? If all he does is lash out or bury it, then that's NOT good. If he faces it and mitigates it through behavior modification, then that's good. It's kinda important to determine how dangerous is this "violent" person! Could his anger turn on you?

Even in my darkest moments with my Ex, when she hit me, I never hit her back. I restrained her, but NEVER hit her back. Cuz I knew of I hit her, I could seriously hurt her.

Can you say this about your man?

[Guardian45]

Thanks for MHG!

[peedy]

Yes
I knew a couple once that everytime they went out he'd have a few drinks than pick a fight with some random person for some made up stupid reason because he felt insecure about himself and by beating someone up that gave him power over that person in hence made himself someone gave self worth but it was temporary and didn't last long so he puck a fight with someone else
The reason you need to worry is if that guy didn't find some random guy to beat up he would turn his problems into her
The is offen an under lying reason for someone's violence the violence is just a why to mask or hind the real reason
Im not say they can't be a good person they just have some issues that they need to work out a come to terms worth first

[Nataliap]

You definitely have a right to be concerned. I would say try to talk to him about it more. It seems like it’s something he has tried to work on so that’s a good sign and it’s also good he was pretty upfront about it. It would be good to also see if he is stressed with stuff if there are ways you could help him wind down a bit. Would he like to talk things out or process stuff alone so he doesn’t lash out? Also, you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, so always put yourself first if the situation is bad. I would say give him a chance but if something gets out of hand you will need to revaluate things.

[Screenwriter]

This is a wait and see. I hope he's seeing a therapist to help with this. If he's trying to work through this on his own, this isn't rational or reasonable.

What's good about this guy is he is aware and he's honest. You need to be aware and also honest with him about your concerns.

[Nik1hil]

Don't worry if he was hurt in past, he will not easily lose control and hurt you..

But if he is angry, and ask you to step away so he doesn't hurts you or.. If he leave the house or asks you to leave ( temporarily) until he cools down.. Just leave.

There is a quote " If you are worried about strong men, wait until you see what weak men can do".

Strong men have a strong self control, weak men don't..

Men have an inner strength.. However strong men are like a chained Lion, while a weak men is a like a unleashed mad Bulldog.. With no self control..

You have chosen a strong men, he will be a gentle Giant and he won't even get angry easily..

That inner strength is to protect you and himself.. However if he is about to lose control and hurt you, that inner strength will make him tell you, "Go, leave so you are safe from him Control lost version."..

[Levin]

These are the conversations you should be having with him.

The devil is in the detail, too. What did he do? Was he physically violent? To whom? When was the last time he did something like that? What has changed?

There's being aggressive and then there's being aggressive, if you know what I mean.

Maybe he needs some counselling, too.

[CaGirl2023]

Yes I would be really worried because your boyfriend’s violent past will definitely hurt you physically because since he was treated badly by his relatives then it’s learned behavior snd it’s something he can’t control. Pkesse try to leave this relationship ASAP. Your life is in danger or get serious help from a professional counselor and have you and your boyfriend go together to this meeting so this counselor can talk to him and give your boyfriend some help.

[NathanDavis]

what's his age?

if he had the issues in recent years then yes, that would be more of a concern

but this happened during his childhood so this means, both his brain and his character/personality went through at least three more phases of development

if he had been prone to seriously harm or hit SOMEONE, he would have done it way before, and he would probably mention, or not mention anything at all

[abc3643]

Oh NOW he has a violent past!
I told you yesterday (https://www. girlsaskguys. com/guys-behavior/q5093043-my-boyfriends-opinion-of-women-outside-me-family-is-iffy) to get rid of this guy.
I am doubling down because this is a RED FLAG.

I swear, honey, you are like an oblivious zombie wearing a raw steak necklace walking toward a pack of lions in Africa.

Wake up and smell the tea.

[madhatters4]

i think it is something you should be aware of but not necessarily something you need to break up over unless you see his violent tendency. maybe continue to talk about it to find out when the last time he had a big outburst of his temper. but it's good it seems like he is at least working to resolve the issue

[EmmaMary]

I'm afraid I couldn't possibly be with such a guy... Huge Red Flag.

[EmmaMary]

Just remember that a Leopard Never Changes Its Spots.

[BobLouis]

I don't even know what he did other than anger problems as a boy. She used the word "violent" so school yard fights or taking other kids lunch money?

It doesn't sound like he physically assaults people as an adult.

[Guanfei]

If it was only as a child, it's ok I'd say. For now there's no reason to think he would do anything. Be careful, and at the first sign he could hit you, leave.

[provokeesmokee]

This is the same right wing asshole who thinks women aren't human?

You're fucked. Gtfo before you're beaten but you chose a right winger, so... I don't know, maybe you're into that.

[inhua]

should you be concerned about this?

yeah if you plan on hurling insults towards him, humiliating him and emasculating him in public or behind closed doors

[Vesuvius87]

Then he should walk away in that case. No need to escalate things by retaliating; children and weaklings do that.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 that's beside the point. why are we allowing people to be disrespectful to others?

why is it ok to weaponize a man's masculinity against him? if he doesn't stand up for himself, he's a coward. if he does stand up for himself, then he's toxic?

a man's restraint shouldn't be used as a license to disrespect him

[Vesuvius87]

Standing up for himself Is cutting toxic people from your life, walking away from them and blocking them. It isn't using violence or threats to get back at them.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 this isn't about the boyfriend though. this is about StormMistress and what she intends to do with the guy. if she plans on disrespecting him then she should know what to expect

[Vesuvius87]

What is he going to do? Hit her? Be a pathetic coward that has to rely on using physical force to hurt her?
That's not manly nor strength. It's weakness and frowned upon.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 why are you giving her a free license to disrespect him?

[Vesuvius87]

That's what I would call a pathetic little boy that never learned how to control his overwhelming physical power.

[Vesuvius87]

No but that's not an excuse to ever use physical violence on anyone. If she disrespects him then he needs to leave her, say "Bye, chau, adios."

[Vesuvius87]

You're the one giving him an excuse to use violence by even saying that she should expect that if she calls him names.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 one doesn't happen without the other happening first. there's no guarantee he will hit her if she does disrespect him but it shouldn't be something she thinks is ok to test out

[Vesuvius87]

Both are wrong but violence is worse. Getting physical with someone definitely needs to be dealt with legally.
If a woman does those tests and the man walks away then obviously it's she that needs to seek help and stay single for a while.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 right or wrong, violence is the after-effect of the disrespect. it wouldn't get there if she doesn't disrespect him in the first place.

[Vesuvius87]

but it shouldn't be excused it either. Violence should be punished. Otherwise the person will continue using violence every single time someone else disrespects him and eventually someone that knows self-defense will be his even match.
Once you use violence, you cease to negotiate. You also invaded someone's personal space but laying the first blow. They only use words but you turned a verbal argument that into a physical. altercation; you hit first.

[Vesuvius87]

I do know some Judo. I'll obviously never engaged in a prolonged verbal tirade. Not out of fear but because I hate drama and that's just not my personality. But if someone tries to slap or punch me, I'll catch that on time and either duck, deflect it or block it.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 nobody is excusing his violence but violence when it does happen doesn't just magically come out of nowhere

[Vesuvius87]

the only thing that doesn't changes is the outcome in the end: the person then has more to lose when they get charged, go to jail and have a record by then

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 more to lose? not if the person getting beaten is killed. unless you believe dying and jail are an equal trade-off

why are you even entertaining the notion of playing with fire so much?

[Vesuvius87]

Well now you took a step further in the ''getting beaten to death'' part. That's a total psycho and definitely not the average person. Someone with that type of abnormal reaction was always a disturbed person. I was assuming an argument going out and someone gets slapped or punched once.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 if you know you shouldn't poke the bear, why are you poking the bear?

[Vesuvius87]

A person isn't an animal that acts on pure instinct and nothing else. We have brains and can control ourselves if we wanted to but some chose not to.

[Vesuvius87]

we're not wild animals because if we were then we would be running nakes or in underwears on the streets

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 if a person does act out of pure instinct like a man getting violent, it's not because it happens spontaneously. she'd have to be relentlessly insulting him day in, day out, he tells her to stop and she keeps going on non-stop

[Vesuvius87]

Why should he feel forced to control someone else's actions? Why should we shut up if a man tells us to? Who is he, our boss, our master, our owner?
He should be worried about being the bigger person and control his own actions. Unlike animals, we're capable of having reasoning skills as well as using intellect and logic.

[Vesuvius87]

We have all those abilities too while animals don't have. So nope, whoever gets violent regardless of whatever words were used in an argument is the real loser.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 fine. if you want to encourage disrespect then encourage it. the only people who have a lot to lose are those who engage in it

[Vesuvius87]

Meanwhile those that walk away don't engage in it. They are smart people.

[inhua]

@Vesuvius87 I never said otherwise

[DarkWinterNights]

Kind of a weird conversation. But unless he clearly has anger issues or throws up some sort of other red flag, most guys deal with with something similar.

[BoopBoopBeep]

As a child I wanted to grow up and be an airplane. Presumably he's around your age now. You should have some more recent data to go off of.

[TonyMetal___86]

You have the power of love, i guess when you hug him, kiss him and tell him that you're always going to be by his side, he will calm down fast and hug you back and kiss, if he doesn't calm down and kept getting more aggressive than he's dangerous...

[AydenHazor]

Unresolved and issues are always a concern, and sometimes the deeper down it's pushed, the wide it is when it comes out. If he's open to it, he should definitely seek counseling to address the anger issues and resolve them

[Anonymous]

What does he mean by when he was a child? When he was little, or up until he was an adult? Pretty important distinction.

[StormMistress]

Basically from childhood to his teenage years when he learnt to control and bury his anger better in his later teens.

[kellytheman]

If he saying he can control maybe give him a shot but the first time he loses his anger or gets very aggressive you probably should end that relationship.

[MementoMori777]

I think that depends, have you seen him explode lately or has he actually grown that thick skin

[Nikki1989]

I would be very worried.

[DextroShade]

If he has never been violent with you then you should not worry but I would recommend against hitting him which you shouldn't do anyway.

[LiamJHayden]

Combined with your other question about the way he speaks down about other women, I think you probably should be concerned.

[loveslongnails]

Yes, I'd be very wary. Zero tolerance... if it happens once, run.

[RHK36]

Stop dating toxic people or deal with the consequences

[WhiteBorr]

Depends how he directed his anger in the past. If he has been physically violent towards females at all, then ditch him. Otherwise, don't torment him

[Sparkie460]

You should definitely be cautious with him. That anger can shine through at any time.

[shortster]

If it is still under the surface; I would be worried.

[jasminea1]

don’t worry about it, if he’s comfortable enough to tell you about his struggles i’m sure he won’t do anything to hurt you.

[Kelly6]

had, Past

i won't be worried

[WhitneySnow]

That is a red flag

[soe11]

He is not suitable for you.

[TallAnon]

I wouldn't worry about it

[Huntingnfishin]

Tiger don't change his stripes as they say

[Friendlybro79]

yes. Worry would be normal.

[AmeerX]

Nothing to worry about

[BigDog1989]

Yeah, you should

[BLP11520]

Yes you should be very much so

[20yearsolder]

Run Forest run

[Cherkez]

No if he's good to you

[CubaPirate]

Absolutely