Why do some women feel like it’s desperate to ask out a guy?

[Still-alive]

I pop onto reddit often and see questions like this asked by women there a lot. She asks if she’s desperate if she asks out men. And most guys there say they’d love it that way. So i dunno where this idea that they’re viewed as desperate to ask out guys comes from.

https://reddit.com/r/socialskills/s/QX74zz6hGZ

Updates

7 mo

so what i dont understand is why when a woman gets rejected thats her sign to just give up and rely on guys from then on to do the approaching. i've seen girls saying this too. rejection is normal so just take it on the chin and get back out there and try again. thats what guys are told to do.

[19magic]

I've been old school with it in the past so while I have not directly asked a guy out I've done the equivalent of drop a hankie on the floor in front of a guy and if he picks it up it means he's interested.

In my highschool days,

I've asked his friends if he was dating someone and they said no and then told him and then he asked me out.

Another time I told the chatter boxes rumour spreaders of our year, about my little crush, two days later the guy actually did ask me out.

When I was older I've gotten a tiny bit better lol,

I've been at a bar and "tripped" and he's grabbed me steadied me, then I asked if I could buy him a drink. He caught on immediately and then said was this your plan the whole time I blushed and said yes, we had a laugh and chat.

I'm definitely not direct but in the past girls generally showed interest in guys and if the guys liked what they saw they'd chase. These days girls show zero interest in anybody, then ask why aren't there any guys asking me out, guys always make the first move. Even though it's been proven that has never really been the case, both genders used to make moves, some are more indirect than others. But there was normally something there, a plan or an idea, sometimes groups of friends or sisters helping out one another to get a guy to notice her - especially since the men have all the power.

[Cynicaldreamer]

Because society has [stupidly] raised women to believe that men are supposedly to pursue them- and if said man doesn't pursue or you ask him out first, you come off as desperate or needy for a relationship.

And to an extent? I agree.
In the past when I asked out a guy? I got rejected or friendzoned because I made the first move, not the guy. Yes I know, rejection is normal; everyone gets rejected... but in hindsight, it would have been nice if the guy showed an iota of interest or gave me a hint that, "Yeah, I like you... ask me out."

Men say women are hard to read: goes both ways gentlemen. Some of y'all play games, send false signals, or can't just say upfront if you're interested or not.

So yes, that makes women hesitant to ask men out and seem "desperate" if we approach you yet there's no attraction or interest there.
If you want a woman to approach you, smile in her direction, compliment her, show genuine interest... and see what happens.

[Still-alive]

Yeah we prefer it because for guys approaching women we have to get over that extra hump of letting her know we aren’t just after her for sex lol. When you approach you do not have that hurdle to get over.

[Cynicaldreamer]

Very true! I don't know many women that just want to bang a guy when she asks him out, lol
But still, how do we know the guy wants to be approached so we're not wasting his or our time?

[Still-alive]

Yeah I would look for certain clues. If you catch him constantly looking at you would be one. I've done that many times myself at pretty girls in class lol. But of course i was too shy to say anything to them.

[Sunssong]

I don't think a woman asking out a man makes her desperate or look it. I imagine men are okay with you coming off as desperate anyway. It would honestly be so much easier for everybody if girls did it.

[BlueViolets]

I think the guy should ask the lady out but the lady is also supposed to make it clear that she is interested. She should not send mixed signals.

[Joshydavid25]

"Because society has [stupidly] raised women to believe that men are supposedly to pursue them."

I think it's more biology as women are naturally more passive in the romantic approach.. I don't think society necessarily teaches that..

[Guardian45]

Yeah, I like you... ask me out!

[Masterodd]

Personally, in today's TOXIC society with all the crap men are getting handed (me-too, harassment, talked down to, toxic masculinity and ALL that other BS)

Why should we ever try to make the first move and talk to a woman who instantly is on guard for the sex monster/kidnapper she assumes/thinks he is?

I can't even open a door for a lady without her yelling at me "What are you doing!!! I don't need a man to open a door for me! I'm fully capable of opening a door myself!"

Women need to step up and start asking men out and taking the crap from us.

[Constatine]

No they are not...

Look to something else... they want to be treated as an equal. They have that right.

Therefore they have the right to ask a guy out if they like him.. it has nothing to do with being desperate. I would appreciate it if a woman asked me out.

You can quote me.. on reddit 😁😃

[abbyjgriffin98]

I don't necessarily think it's desperate. But I wouldn't ask a guy out. And here's why. I feel like most guys are very go with the flow. So when a woman asks them out they'll most likely say yes. But the relationship will probably fall flat because the guys do not really like the girls enough to invest anything into the relationship. And when the woman is doing all the investing, the guy does not really come to care for her. But that's just my opinion.

[Still-alive]

"But the relationship will probably fall flat because the guys do not really like the girls enough to invest anything into the relationship. "

ehh sounds like a bit of a stretch there tbh.

[Pacquet]

I understand this train of thought but it’s not true. For guys being asked out by a girl makes us want to put in the extra work because typically we have to work very hard for a woman to invest in us. Asking a guy out isn’t going to determine the dynamic of the relationship. The rules under which we operate are very different from women.

[CurrentJohn]

Yeah no, that`s not how it works. It is true that if a girl would ask me out I would agree but what has that to do with a relationship? Since when does going out with someone on a date put you immediately into a relationship? That step comes after a succesful date! I would simply just agree to a date and learn more about her and if I think she isn`t my type I would respectfully decline for more, if she is my type then we could start a relationship. But going out is not being in a relationship, you got something confused there.

[dolemite58]

i don’t think the relationship is automatically doomed to fall flat if the girl is the one to initiate

[PBandJ_Nerd]

No clue. But isn't it better to ask the guy out before he disappears on you? If you don't ask, you won't know. And if you don't ask, he might not come to you. And he'll never notice you (sorry, I tried to refrain myself from making a "notice me senpai" joke but I couldn't). But with that joke aside, I'd ask a guy out or show him I'm interested in him in some way.

[ManOnFire]

Women use the desperate concept as really an excuse for the fact that they see asking a guy out as weakness on their part of being the woman. In their minds, it shows weakness to ask a guy out, they see it as meaning they are incapable of attracting men if they have to be the ones to approach a guy.

[Joshydavid25]

I always thought they just seen it as too masculine to ask a guy out.. I think that naturally women are not the pursuers initially until they really feel the person.. I do think that a lot of women should at least be more Straight Forward and easier to approach and if some really like a guy and want to ask him out they should..

[Unit1]

It's a weird belief that I never understood. Does that mean men are desperate if they ask women out?

How are they expecting to find a boyfriend then? First they say we must do everything and then they do nothing for finding a boyfriend themselves. And if the guy she likes doesn't ask her out (e. g. doesn't know she likes him)? Then they say he's not worthy or "unmanly" or whatever excuse they'll think of. Those crazy stupid women (not all)!

[zagor]

I think a woman would have a harder time with rejection than a guy, most of whom are used to dealing with rejection at some point.

Another problem is that when a woman approaches a guy she doesn't know he may assume she is a prostitute or scam artist, as is often the case in big cities.

[_RebelWolf_]

In fact, I give women a lot of credit on this issue. For example, when a woman opens her feelings or tries to express them, she is afraid of falling into a lowly position in the eyes of the man, and some really characterless men can make many negative comments about a woman when she reveals her feelings to him.

[HippoDino]

If i girl thinks that, she is probably insecure. If you want a guy just let him know. No need to play games or listen to girls who don't have any confidence.

[LazerBean]

It's just the traditional mindset. My family and my husbands family mostly thinks that way. That either the girl is desperate or she just likes more feminine men.

[Likes2drive]

I guess some people think they’re still dating like they’re in the 50s but if women are trying to be more equal than they really should ask out a guy if they’re interested since most guys wouldn’t have a problem with it

[Sasha0426]

That’s what we were taught. Now that times have changed, it seems men like the idea of women asking them out. However, there’s still men who prefer they do the asking out themselves instead of women doing it.

[Pacquet]

Very true women are taught a fallacy at a young age for some reason but I’d say most guys have always enjoyed being asked out. The men who like to do the asking or pursuing are usually womanizers.

[Unit1]

@Pacquet i was gonna Say exactly that. Men, that strongly prefer to do everything ( and maybe Even dislike being asked out ) aren't gonna be good partners.

[sheikalana]

Because we’re used to have men asking us out and some of us never had to ask a guy out before.

[idkkkk24]

Most of us fear rejection. And in our minds we think that guys will think we are just lonely and have no ons else.

[GrikGad]

It's actually better if we think you have no one else. It makes us wanna take care of you.

[idkkkk24]

@GrikGad Really? Aweee that’s so sweet. I guess we’re afraid to look like we have no life. There’s a guy I like right now but honestly like your question says, I feel like I’m being weird or too desperate to even speak to him. So I usually avoid him at all costs even though I’m really into him.

[GrikGad]

Isn't my question. :)
One note though, that I wanna add to that - I have to find her attractive, to make me wanna take care of her.

There is something similar with me now, there is a girl who always stares at me from afar, doesn't smile has no facial expression but ignores me when I'm close.

[Alex-Snow]

They should not feel that way. I would not think a girl is desperate if she did that. After all in today's world with sexual equality why should guys always be the ones to ask a girl out?

[Simslover92]

Because it's believed that men are supposed to go up to women and not the other way around.

[Ms_Facesitter]

Inexperience I feel. Caring about things that don't matter.

[elizamichale1]

well practically this is wht guys think as well... no?

[Pacquet]

We don’t think this

[elizamichale1]

@Pacquet oh really

[Pacquet]

I should probably say me and my guy friends don’t. I feel like women have to do a lot to come off desperate, simply just asking or being invited somewhere feels nice and thoughtful.

[elizamichale1]

@Pacquet well now u said it better coz in my experience most guys do think like that honey

[elizamichale1]

@Pacquet someone once said to me that he had been looking at me n following me for few days n was just going to ask me out but since I asked him first it ruined his mood n it shows I m not gud with relationship that no one wants to be with me n now I m going to guys for company..

[Pacquet]

I see. I find most guys I meet feel the same way. Internally we’re thinking “wow this girl is actually into me?” and now that I’ve think about it the 2 times a woman has asked me out felt like a dream, it couldn’t be farther from desperation. It’s so hard to get a woman’s attention if she doesn’t know you in some way.

[Pacquet]

Ah I hear you, I’d say that situation isn’t accurate for the majority of men. If a woman asked me out it makes me feel like I can relax a bit. I can understand though why women might feel this way though. It’s years of conditioning and being told asking men out is too forward or desperate when really it’s a nice gesture.

[elizamichale1]

@Pacquet yea I agree with that... our society has made so many things so bad n odd which they shouldn't be really

[spartan55]

@elizamichale1
Not at all.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I just wish more Women would ask Men out

[Blueeyes81]

I imagine it's an easier pill to swallow to blame it on looking desperate than to admit he wasn't into her.

[m33ladmjmj]

if a woman asks a guy out.. Trust me she's not all that. She's goanna be a minus -2 thats goanna aim for +10 guy which he'll have no interest in her.