Should I contunie a relationship after she lied about her past?

Question

I met a girl a month ago and last week we entered a relationship. Yesterday I found out she lied about her past. When confronted she made up another lie and after that I had to prove her another time that she was still lying. When I asked her to see the conversations that she lied about she showed me only a bit and denied to show more. I know that the conversations were from before we met. She stated that she was faithful to me the day we met and tbh she never gave me reasons not to thinki so. I was alone all my life and this is my first girlfriend. I can't trust her anymore because I know that when she is confronted with a lie she will still lie. I was thinking about still staying for a few months just not to be alone anymore and to finally be in a relationship because when I met other girls they said that the fact I was never in a relationship is a red flag.

zeitgeist057 · Accepted Answer

You can do either one, stay or go, but I think it is important to look at this situation and see what lessons we can learn from it.

Why do people lie?

Mostly out of fear. Example: A child takes a cookie from the jar. When mom asks, let's say the child is truthful and admits to taking it. What the mom does next can dictate the child's view of the world. If she punishes for the action and telling the truth, perhaps next time the child will lie to avoid punishment. If she rewards for truth, or at least takes it into account, then the child is more likely to tell the truth to her in the future.

We learn to lie to avoid consequences for our actions/mistakes, or to gain something we want. If you want to be with this girl, you need to develop a relationship with her where you can trust her. In order for her to be trustworthy, she needs to learn that she can trust you. If you are going to be mad at her for her past, she will likely lie about it.

Real life example: My friend Mark and my friend Rachel fell in love. I knew both of them before they met each other. Rachel used to get high on THC a lot, and Mark was clean from it and didn't want to smoke. He would have been find knowing she used it, but she was scared he wouldn't like it, so she lied about it. They truly loved each other and were so sweet to each other. But when he found out she lied (she actually still got high), he felt betrayed and that he couldn't trust her. He broke up with her immediately, and both of their hearts were broken. Sometimes it takes a tragic event like this to make someone realize they need to change their ways.

Real life example #2: I was also a liar when I was younger. I didn't mean to harm anyone, it was just as a kid my life wasn't as interesting to me as all the adventures I read about in books, so I made up fantasies and pretended it had really happened to me. It was mostly in my head, but sometimes I would tell other people as if it were true. I fell deeply in love with a girl, who was also in love with me. We were both virgins, but I had lied to her and said I wasn't, because of one of those fantasy adventures I had made up was about losing my virginity. So she didn't know. Anyway, that lie ended up being a poison in our relationship and we broke up. Both our hearts were broken, and I realized I needed to stop these stupid lies/stories. From then on, I was very serious about honesty.

So perhaps you can turn this relationship around with your girl. Ask her about her past, be positive, encourage her to open up. But if you do so, you can't do it as a trap or use what you learn to make her feel bad later, or you will just teach her not to trust you or anyone else. She needs to feel safe sharing her past, even if it's something you don't like, it should be appreciated by you that she was brave enough to share. It should be appreciated that she is trusting you enough to be vulnerable. Don't make the mistake of rewarding her vulnerability with judgement, accusation, and/or shaming. If we treat a woman well, she will open up to us more and more, like a beautiful flower blossoming. But we can also cause her heart to wither and die, hidden forever and never allowed to reach potential, if we punish her for honesty.

Should I contunie a relationship after she lied about her past?

So which will you put into the world? Judgement and fear, or love and acceptance? It's your choice.

I also don't mean to say you can make this relationship perfect or "fix" her if she is a pathological liar or has deep trauma. All you can do is your best, and also keep your head on straight.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Your didn't say what she 'lied' about, so i have to assume it is something inconsequential. Most women lie its in their DNA even their habit of makeup is a lie about their looks.

A woman however has to learn where the line is drawn and not be allowed to talk her way past it. Still if its your first relationships you have to wonder what the lie was about and if your teaching her anything.

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

So you believe you can’t trust her, but you’re willing to stay for a few months to not be alone? That’s a bad idea. You should move on and the next relationship you get into, you wait until she volunteers information about her past that she wants you to know. You do not grill her about who all she’s talking to.

Sasha0426 · Accepted Answer

You asked if you should continue this relationship but want to stay a few more months. Ok, I need you to help us to make this sense. What you’re saying is you rather be with someone you don’t trust and put a strain on this relationship than find someone. Am I correct so far?

DaveJord · Answer

So, you fucked up my man. I would not of stayed or left. I mean if I am dating someone and I think I know she is cheating, I work it for all the sex I can get out of it before the breakup. You on the other threw it right in her face, like if it's true you can't date her, and by telling her you know, you kind of blew the possibly for more sex.

coachTanthony · Answer

I mean if you're lonely just stay. Have some fun.

BadApple69 · Answer

No matter who they are…. Everyone lies at some point. To me you’ve only been with her a month and you are acting more like a detective then a boyfriend. Staying or leaving might not be your choice. She might dump your ass for calling her a liar.
Lying sucks I agree but stress to her how a relationship needs honesty…. Move forward

Lovelailaxo · Answer

The obvious answer is to leave. It shows that she would lie and is going to continue lying to you. You say you don’t wanna be lonely then don’t be lonely.. if it’s company you want, then hang out with friends or hook up with a girl or girls. A better example would be to leave so you’re not tied down and go do something productive like going to the gym or find a real girl.

madhatters4 · Answer

i think we need to know what the lie was. is it really that big of an offense? is it really something that should cause you to lose trust? is it something that can be moved beyond?

i think context will matter greatly here

Anonymous · Answer

Dude--you need to learn to attract women, form AND break relationships before you get into a really long one. If you're thinking "I need to stay with this girl because I was alone for so long before and I'll be alone for a long time again if I leave" then THAT is your problem. Learn to attract women you like so that you're no longer coming at this from a "scarcity" mindset. Only THEN should you commit to a long term relationship.

talk4m3 · Answer

your logic of staying just gives makes you look desperate and sad. There's no point in being in a relationship with someone you do not trust. The whole never being in a relationship thing being a redflag makes sense but only to a certain extent. And either way you've now been in a relationship so that shouldn't even matter

di3storted · Answer

The best option is to leave. There is no trust so you’ll end up resenting her more than loving her. It’s clear that she doesn’t respect or care enough to be willing to be honest. Leaving now makes it easier to work on yourself and move forward. First love is always the hardest to walk away from but it just prepares you what to look for for the next time and how to not make the same mistakes.

fantasticass · Answer

Don't waste your time with her. Go find someone who deserves you. Lots of single women volunteer at animal shelters. Maybe sign up for volunteering at an animal shelter/rescue.✌️🇨🇦

Flower7 · Answer

It’s a really bad idea to date someone just to be able to say that you’ve had a girlfriend before.

Daniela1982 · Answer

Stay with her, but she is paying for all the dates!

Nikki1989 · Answer

You need to get yourself a thicker skin if you think this is a big deal.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Casual lying about shit that doesn't  really  matter that much is a major red flag.

DarkLegacy · Answer

That is instant red flag. What else could she be lying about. Your best bet is to leave her

Anonymous · Answer

This happened before she met you. She doesn't need to tell you her life story. If I was her I'd dump you. No wonder you've been alone.

bigdealbryan · Answer

is the untruthful part her past the relationships past? im confused what you are referring to stating lied about "her"

MissBoogus · Answer

Yeah that’s clearly sketch. I’d either leave or give an ultimatum.

Staximus · Answer

Leave a liar, you can never believe anything they say and it will drive you crazy

Anonymous · Answer

You sound kinda pathetic and more importantly very desperate.

clubboss · Answer

No cheating, no lying are the rules for a relationship.

Riribichri · Answer

Lie about what?

Anemone978 · Answer

If you don't trust her leave..

Radiate143 · Answer

What did you ask her about?

msc545 · Answer

Leave her - she is trouble.

YAsQuen · Answer

tryna do some kinky stuff before u leave.

BigDog1989 · Answer

I wouldn't

jahaims · Answer

Why date a lier

MaxUsefull · Answer

Dump her

Cheerfull009 · Answer

Leave her

Should I contunie a relationship after she lied about her past?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Should I contunie a relationship after she lied about her past?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.