What should I do? My girlfriend of 6 years cheated on me, and lied about it for over a month?

[buzzcather]

I am 21 years old and have been seeing my girlfriend since we were both 15. For over 2 years now I have worked on the rigs and supported her and everything we need as a couple to be happy. I work a week on, week off schedule on the rigs to support our nice house, vehicles and daily lives. I recently took her to look at wedding rings, and had a time and place set up to ask her. Our anniversary was right around the time too.

I got a bad feeling and went through her Verizon text and call logs. When I confronted her on it she lied over and over and over for a week. I finally got the truth out and began to forgive her. I decided a month later to call the guy and get more info. Long story short, she did sleep with him at his house. I finally got it out of her but it took over a month and she didn't tell me, I found out :( Now main problem why I'm not gone already. We own a 250k house, and 3 expensive vehicles.

If I leave I will struggle to pay all bills and have to get rid of all my animals and things at home that I can't take care of with my schedule. I did get it out of her that he lasted a whopping 4 minutes and then she cried and felt bad. Don't matter, still cheating! Anyway, what should I do? I love this woman to death, everything I know, have and grown up to will be gone. She feels horrible but I don't know if every day of my life I can be unhappy and worry. With my job I have to have a little trust there, ya know?

On our ann. she text him more than me, that hurts to think about.I also feel that if I stay with her, it will show her that its OK to do, because I will forgive her again. But I love her to death and really did want to marry her and have a kid with her. We recently had a miscarriage that upset us both and then that's when this all started happening.

I do feel like we can work things out, but I don't know if sex, love, trust, etc will ever be there again. Please... Please any info will be awesome! Thanks

[greeneyedgal]

As an outsider looking in, I think she takes you for granted as well as the relationship. It doesn't seem like she loves you as much as you love her. Look at all of the sacrifices you are making for this woman and it's so evident you love her to death. She is lying and cheating on you and covering it up. When you love someone and want to make a life time commitment to him/her, other people don't even come into the equation. It's just the two of you building upon a life together.

I understand that this is very difficult for you given the situation, emotions etc. Perhaps, you need to explore couple's therapy to see if you can work through these issues. I think this needs to be considered before you even consider a marriage. You know you love her and you want to forgive her, but you also cannot keep making excuses for her. If she is as serious about making this work as you are then do the counseling.

If this isn't an option then you will have to do your best to start fresh minus her. If there is no sex, love and most of all trust then you have no relationship. Try to get roommates to move into your home so you can keep it. Sell one or two of your vehicles so you can either pay them off or get your money back. Most of all, don't sell your soul for love. You sound like a very loving, diligent man with a lot to offer. Don't settle for anyone, you deserve to be loved and not taken for granted. There is someone who will appreciate you, be loyal and thank God everyday to be in your life.

Best of luck.

[buzzcather]

Awesome answer! Thank you so much and I'll try and keep you guys posted. Its just so hard

[Anonymous]

Coming from my point of view it sounds like you truly do love and care for this girl. You can't let peoples opinions on here influence what choice you should make. Nobody here knows the whole story, it is up to you completely to decide what you want and think you should do. You need to look at the pros and cons of both sides of the situation. What would be the pros and cons of staying with her and what would be the pros and cons if you left her. That should help you see what is a better choice for you.

I've been in a similar situation before and I know it hurts (and trust me it hurts for a long time) but if you really want the relationship to work there is a way, it will be hard and take time but it can happen. You just have to want it and you have to give her the chance to show you that things can and will get better, it is a long process.

I worked out my relationship with a situation like this and it was hard but now I see that it was very well worth it.

I wish you both the best of luck, destiny will lead you to where you should be, listen to your destiny.

[silenttype]

I'm 21 too, so not that I have too much experience but here's my advice. What she did was really wrong, and it was very disrespectful to you. I think it's really up to you on what you feel is right. What could have happened, if her cheating happened after the miscarriage is that the miscarriage could have scared her a lot and turned her world a little upside down. One other thing I've gotta say is that honesty is a big part of any relationship so you guys, or her I suppose... definitely need to work on that.

[ArtistBboy]

She cheated on you, why should you feel bad about anything? Just thank her for the good times in your life, and walk away. It's not going to be easy - but the process itself is very simple.

"Thank you -Marcy-, I have enjoyed the relationship for the time that we had, but regretfully this will not continue. Have a good life =)"

** NOTE ** After saying this - stonewall them out of your life (Ignore them / act like they don't exist as a relationship etc) If you develope feelings for them again, this abuse will only continue.

The expenses are going to be hard to deal with - but remember that you can sell things that you do not need to make it through. By selling the house to the right buyer - you actually might MAKE money. Learn your market and know when to fight to keep a hold of it, and when to sell - this is the theory of marketing "Buy low, sell high".

p.s. Forgive, but don't forget - otherwise you are being naive in letting the same situation come about again. Forgive yourself, and THEN - forgive her. It takes a man to maintain composure, so show her she really lost someone before blowing all of it away on freaking out for a few minutes. Granted - it's completely acceptable, but it doesn't do either of you any good except to dig in the idea that cheating is wrong.

Best regards,

ArtistBBoy

[buzzcather]

Thanks for ur reply! But have you ever been in a 6 year relationship? You can't just leave that easy.

[ArtistBboy]

4 years - yeah you can. Do you want to be used and taken advantage of? You have your job to worry about, not some woman that is using you. I understand what your saying and I'm not trying to lash out against you - I want to lash out in general because - I WAS THERE TOO!

She's using you man... Listen to your own words- you buy her everything, you work a demanding job, and you try to be there for her. She screwed someone else - put your foot down and stop it now before you get more attached.

[Camilus]

Working a dangerous job for long hours to support a girlfriend with a nice house and cars ..and then she is more intimate with some other dude while you are gone?

If you were a bummy guy that didn't appreciate her then I could see why she'd cheat on you, but if you take care of her and really appreciate her and she still does that, and even lies to your face until you do detective work to get the truth...f*** that noise. I used to hear about women doing this same thing to military guys while they are deployed and getting shot at, just be glad that you weren't already married with kids before this came up so it's easier to dump her. BTW make sure you get checked for STDs.

[ArtistBboy]

+1 Agreed

[buzzcather]

Were both clean, already got checked. But not sure our sex life will ever be what it was.

[Stacyzee]

If she really felt bad about cheating she wouldn't have gone though with it. It sounds to me that she cares more about her own feelings, than yours. You are away supporting her, and she probably feels neglected and flew into the arms of another man. If you were home all of the time and not doing a damn things, she probably would have done the same. There is no way you could have really avoided the situation, a cheater will cheat. She probably feels bad because she expected some amazing sex and instead got cheap dyck like a priceless hooker. If I were you I'd maintain my own but keep seperate at the same time until I got my head straight. She probably feels bad, but since she was dishonest with you, how can you trust her to tell you the truth if she ever does it again?

[buzzcather]

Word to that. if she loved me like she says she did she would have kept her legs closed and or just said no. THANKS

[albino]

Don't base whether you should leave her on your financial situation. Money does not make you happy.

You need to tell her that she's lost your trust. That everything that you knew, everything that you felt is now being questioned and doubted.

She needs to work to show you that what she did truly was a lapse in judgment and she really does feel wretched about it. Make boundaries for her. No communication between them. At all.

If she's still talking to him, that's just awful. I'd make as big of a deal as this as you can, because it IS a huge deal.

Don't have sex and don't be intimate with her. (not as an obvious punishment) This will show her that when you touch her, and want her, it reminds you of what happened. I'm sure it truly does, too.

I'm incredibly sorry that after six years, this happened to you. You CAN get through it though, if you really want to.

[ArtistBboy]

+1,000,000,000 for the opening line.

[buzzcather]

Thank you for ur help.... Its some hard times right now. I'm actually stuck up here till next friday and just found out. I'm 120 miles from home and can't do sh*t about it ;*( Thanks again

[Anonymous]

You cannot ever assume that the trust will be there again. At least never like it used to be. In the short run a break up will be painful, physically, mentally and fisscally too no doubt. But would you rather have that growing niggle in the back of your head 10 years down the line that she could/would/has cheated again? If you hold onto this you may have not only things and animals to sort out but also children.

Someone in a loving wonderful relationship would not even think of being with another person. You owe yourself a relationship which has that.

But I understand change is hard and also terrifying.