Is it a good idea to get into a relationship with the person who loves you more than you love them?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My mom suggested me to never get into a relationship with a man, who I’ll fall so deeply in love with. She said to stay away from man who are too ideal, or very handsome.

She told me it’s better to find an average man who’ll love me more, instead of me getting head over heels in love again, she said the relationships are happier when a man loves the woman more.

I think that’s a good advice.

Updates

6 mo

This is a general question, I am not getting into any relationships so far. I like to take more time before I feel like it’s a right time and a right person.

[zeitgeist057]

Well, I did this, and it didn't work out. This was my one and only marriage.

She was great. Pretty, happy, loving, creative, silly/playful, ambitious, smart, healthy in her diet and active with exercise. Very fit body, sexy, and adventurous in bed. Great sense of humor and a great career in a job she was good at, and set financially.

Basically, a dreamboat. But I would rate my attraction towards her compared to other women I've been with as a bit on the average side. I wasn't as into her as she was into me. I needed more space than she did. In the relationship, I absolutely loved her, as you can probably tell from my above description, I thought highly of her (and still do). I think she is an amazing person, and I really did love her deeply. I saw parts of her she didn't show other people, I was taken in by her vulnerability.

So I made a decision after a few years, in hindsight a bad choice. Although she never asked or pressured or even hinted at wanting to be married, I got it in my head that she would be happier if we were, and I wanted her to be as happy as possible. So I started planning to propose. I was also giving myself some time to think it over, pretend like it was real, and be certain I was making the right decision, as well as giving myself time to save up for an engagement ring. But I also think I started to get excited about it as I was waiting and mulling it over. I bought the engagement ring I'd been shopping around for. I knew her tastes and went for a more showy ring, totaling 4.5 carats (2.5 in the middle, with 1 carat on either side). She loved it.

We had a great time being engaged and planning the wedding. But after a few years of being married, we hit a rough spot where I knew she wanted more from me than I wanted to give. I was going to stick it out, and assumed we would have times like this in our marriage, but I was committed for life. But from her end, it was torture, and she asked me for a divorce as she was extremely sad. I asked her to reconsider, that we could spend some time apart and think about it, but after two more months she said she still wanted a divorce so we made it official.

There were other factors involved, of course, but all in all being the one who was more sought after didn't make the relationship ideal.

I had another girlfriend (years before) who once said to me that in India, where arranged marriages are common, that passionate love is seen as something dangerous, to be avoided. It makes one crazy and unbalanced. I thought maybe I had found a perfect situation where I wasn't "crazy" about my partner, but all other things were in alignment to the point we could have a happy life together.

I think now, that those "crazy in love" relationships are super fun, I have to say I'm all about them still. But there has to come a point where the madness ends and either the relationship ends as well, or it needs to transition to a more stable situation.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/5bnxJnYiMwk

[Anonymous]

The problem is you start to fall in love with the image you have of the person vs. the real person they are.

I had this happen to me about 10 years ago. My then girlfriend was insanely in love with me. Sure it felt good but in the back of my mind I was nervous things could end badly because she was overly intoxicated on her school girl crush. She kept going off on how hot I was, how her and I think a like, how she was so lucky, how her friends were so jealous, on and on and on. Constantly. She just couldn’t get enough of me in bed. She usually initiated.

Now I’ve had plenty of girls like me over the years but this was the first time I met an attractive one who was high quality (she was smart, fully independent, had no vices, etc) that felt that way about me. I didn’t know what the heck to do about what I had. Obviously I didn’t want to turn that down but I also had a voice warning at me in the back of mind.

I loved her too but the truth be told I didn’t want to be in a relationship at that time. I was going through some big life decisions and was under a lot of deep stress.

Well anyway she eventually broke up with me. I went off on the deep end about some of my deep dark insecurities which really her turned off a few weeks earlier. It’s messed up but I actually wanted her to put the brakes on her infatuation. That didn’t mean I wanted her to stop with the affection me but I wanted to see if she could handle everything.

She couldn’t. Not only that but she gave me one of the worst insults I’ve ever taken from a woman in my life shortly after she broke up with me. She had to see me as less than human to comfort her own heartbreak.

What she said to me at the end haunted me for years. She meant it to. It wasn’t said in a moment of anger. It’s just harsh reminder that once a woman makes up her mind that a man is no longer valuable to her then he quickly becomes expendable. Treating someone respectfully out of general principle goes out the window when that happens. Nothing a woman said to a man prior to that point matters at all. Only her emotion in that exact moment matters.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What did she tell you?

[Opinion Owner]

It’s complicated. Some details are too sensitive to post.

In hindsight I know I did plenty of wrong. But one thing I didn’t do was cheat. But I don’t think she could say the same and it happened the week before she decided to bring down the axe. I am convinced that she had to see me as lower than pond scum to placate her guilty conscious.

What she said to me at the end was like she was talking about someone else about me in third person. Like I was just an apparition and not a human being.

[wuhuchen]

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[DizzyDesii]

I wish everyone could just love one another equally. I am used to loving harder. I don't know what it is. When they love me more, its comfortable for the first few weeks or months but then I start to feel too comfortable. Then when they randomly switch up it hurts. Or if not that, they seem too clingy and it starts to scare me a bit. I think Its better if i love them more first and then they grow to love me equally or more.

[coachTanthony]

No because sooner or later you'll meet someone that you feel the same way about as your partner feels about you. Then that is where you start cheating because you don't want to leave the comfy situation that you are in. Don't settle in the first place.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I have never cheated, nor would I ever cheat.

[coachTanthony]

Everyone says that until it they put themselves into a situation where they aren't getting the passion and deep love they seek. So generally speaking probably not a good idea to be involved with someone who doesn't give those emotions.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t mean I’d date someone I’d have zero attraction to, I just have ridiculously high standards, and I think lowering it a bit would be good, as the number of men I like is very small.

[Twalli]

Write out everything you want and then decide what are need versus wants. Look for guys who fill those needs and ignore your wants.

[AviatorTom]

That sounds like very controlling advice from a shallow person. What's important is that you love the other person, and that person loves you, it's not a quantity race.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No, I disagree, to the contrary she told me that because she thinks I am shallow. I am indeed shallow.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

When it’s about looks.

[love_conquers_lust]

I don’t think that qualifies as shallow. Shallow would be caring ONLY about looks and disregarding personality.

[blueonblack22]

@lafemmefatale_1 at least you are AWARE that you can be shallow. But when you are aware of something that gives you more responsibility. But some people use that as an excuse to burn people.

You should warn people that this is something you have to work on. They might trust you less but at least you are being honest.

[love_conquers_lust]

@blueonblack22 She’s already talked about personality mattering to her. You’re only seeing part of the @lafemmefatale_1 story.

We’re not going to go into your racist driven envy skeletons in your closet. So, fuck your responsibility, guilt inducing bull shit. You’ve got far more work than she does when it comes to working on oneself and one of last who should be giving advice.

[blueonblack22]

@love_conquers_lust whoa whoa where the f*ck did that above come from? Looks like one of us has a compartmentalization issue and isn’t me.

You want to go down that rabbit hole? Fine. But don’t bring all that toxic insanity on a completely unrelated thread. I don’t want her wall to get bombed with some insanity and neither does she. If anything if looks you got a serious displacement issue going on. No one knows what the hell you are talking about. Even if they could make any sense of your nonsense it doesn’t belong on this thread.

[love_conquers_lust]

@blueonblack22 You hide behind anonymity. You and I have argued before.

Accountability of a “completely unrelated thread” (our interaction):
Why do men feel entitled to stare at women? ↗

I’ve identified what I am, you haven’t.

[blueonblack22]

@love_conquers_lust so who gives a shit if we have argued before. You are a 38 year old man and you are being a total crybaby about past online debate. Whoop te do. Grow up and grow a pair.

Also the fact you brought up this was somehow someway “racist” of me was a the most deranged mental gymnastics I’ve seen in a while on here. 38 year old man saying that too. Beyond pathetic.

I’m sure you are going to go off on some rant in response to what I said above. Again I don’t want to bomb her wall. But really man just grow the f*ck up. A grown ass man being butthurt over someone disagreeing with him online and holding grudges about past arguments/debates is ridiculous.

For the record I wasn’t anon in that other thread. But even if I was or it was someone else who cares.

[love_conquers_lust]

@blueonblack22 You talk an awful lot about manhood. There’s a reason why “silent” and “listen” are an anagram. I’ve been following @lafemmefatale_1 daily questions to get to know her situation so that I might be able to offer advice/experience I’ve garnered half a world away. @AviatorTom comment was good, he may have been referring to her mother, or may not have read her other posts which delved into her concerns about her ex’s personality. She’s written entire posts and Takes about it wracking her brain trying to figure out what went wrong. She’s taken a break for a year trying to get over dwelling on it. To me, that says she’s anything but shallow. She’s concerned about both.

So, I think you need to calm down. I called you racist because you sound like the other guys on here who are that.

[blueonblack22]

@love_conquers_lust alright you have a more intimate understanding of lafemmefatale given you follow and interacted with her over some time. I get that. I can respect that.

But your “racist” comment was completely incredulous and had nothing to with this topic. And saying “oh you sound like other guys on here” doesn’t justify it at all. That actually made me think that very same thing about you when it came to “sounding like other people”.

Again I don’t want to bomb her wall. And yes I did jump in the conversation. But you could of seriously handled that initial response to me much better.

[love_conquers_lust]

@blueonblack22 Glad you acknowledge that.

Incredulous to who? You’re complaining about me reading your thoughts and opinions on previous posts and wanting me to disregard them. Why?

You don’t have any demographic identifying information on your profile. You’ve said you believe in equality of races, not rights, just race. You’ve criticized women for complaining of guys who stare at them while now calling them shallow for doing the same. You’ve given me no reason to believe you aren’t racist. This is a common tactic of some on this site and some affiliated with the Left. We’ll leave it at that.

[blueonblack22]

@love_conquers_lust alright well this is a gender issue which is not the same thing as a racial issue. Two different topics. That’s where I got angry.

But yes we I agree we should leave it at that.

[HiveBee]

Ayn Rand said:

"Man is an end in himself. Romantic love—the profound, exalted, lifelong passion that unites his mind and body in the sexual act—is the living testimony to that principle."

So according to Ayn Rand, what your mother is telling you is to sacrifice your profound exalted lifelong passion, in order to somehow "win" at the game of dating and love.

How does that make any sense? How could you advocate to deny yourself the experience of true and passionate love?

That is absolutely absurd. You would want such a love for your own child to experience in their life. But for you? Nah. Don't need that.

It will work BETTER if I don't have that. Only the man should have that.

That way, the nature of the universe or biology is satisfied and I am awarded with a stable marriage.

I mean I think it's horrible. You should want the best for yourself and the best is not sacrificing one of your most fundamental values in life. Romantic love.

[Anemone978]

No.. it is a really bad idea to get in a relationship with someone you aren't super into, because if that guy that is absolutely your type comes around you will regret being trapped with the meh guy LOL

[love_conquers_lust]

If you want a guy who waits on you hand and foot, sure. You have that option. She seems to think looks predominantly dictate personality. In your previous post, you were taken aback by people being judged by their race. Your mother isn’t necessarily incorrect. I’d liked to be judged as an individual while being associated with the positive aspects of a given group and shun the negative. A la carte.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What positive aspects can a given group be associated with?

I don’t understand. What my mom said is that my ex was extremely good looking and I fell deeply in love with him and idealized him, she suggested I no longer go for men I find to be extremely good looking, instead go for someone who’ll be moderately attractive but will love me more than a man who can have literally any girl in the world and who doesn’t feel like I am the best for him.

[love_conquers_lust]

Like say getting into a prestigious university implies you’re intelligent.

I think your mom is trying to help you. You get a lot of attention for your appearance and I believe you enjoy it. I think your mother knows that. Your ex might have been the same way. So when it came to you guys giving each other attention, you guys couldn’t balance out the give and take. That’s probably why your mom suggested finding someone who fawns over you. We have quite a bit if that in America where women kind of wear the pants (behind every man is a good woman).

Your mom is making the reasonable assumption that good looking people don’t typically become givers because of the attention they get. It’s like everyone grooms that individual’s personality, feeding their ego. I know you touched on personality mattering as well as looks. It’s hard to find those two bundled into one. You get a bunch of attention, so why should anyone expect you to be the one fawning over someone? That’s why your mother said what she said.

I think it would require two humble people to make that work. That means not expecting attention and loving unconditionally. I don’t have personal experience with that. But that is the model my relatives employ for the most part and it works for them.

[NathanDavis]

I think it's a worse idea to see it as a competition, or a trade...

a true love would not be bothered by these things...

simply put, if is not fulfilling, then it is not true love... lol

[Jasmin01]

I'm not sure what I would do. If I was so in love with a guy, I might overlook the fact that he might not have such strong feelings. It's impossible to know whether things will change for the better.

[soe11]

She give you wisely advice, she had seen the past present.

But not necessarily always right, can be otherway round too, whoever love himself or maintain his body, doesn't mean he will not love his or girlfriend.

[Grond21]

I don't think it's good to be unequally yoked. It sounds like your mom is more concerned with having the power in the relationship than a relationship of true depth

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

She just worries that I will fall deeply in love again and will get hurt again, because I am very loyal. And In a relationship I am very selfless and loving, she’s scared if I fall too deeply in love again, I’ll get hurt too much.

[Grond21]

I get that. Truly. But it is assuming you will only fall in love with men who don't deserve it. That is living based on fear though.

Better to find a man who deserves your love and loyalty

[Lara_Croft]

Can you quantify love? What is love? It's definitely not just an emotion

[AmeerX]

If everyone thought this way then I think no would be marrying anyone this side of the world. Love needs to be nearly equal or it's just a chore

[Sevenpointfive]

i've always felt that things should be equal in a relationship

[Nemesis2k7]

No. Dont waste their time. And goes vice versa, if you love someone more than they love you, quit it. Save yourself pain. Move on. Delete their number / contact details

[Twalli]

You shouldn't do that. Find someone you love and don't make sure that he loves you more than you love him.

[Cheerfull009]

It is wrong concept, that handsome and loving men are not loyal and sincere in relationship, even average and moderate lovers, also cheat

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It’s not a concept, It’s my experience as a woman who was engaged to a man who might easily be in top 2% most desirable men in the world.

[Cheerfull009]

@lafemmefatale_1 mentioned my observation and knowledge

[Staximus]

That is only good advice for women who pick men with their vagina and not their brain.

[justabuddy]

I think it it's a healthy relationship, it's usually always worth a shot.

[justabuddy]

I've been thinking. Seems like safe advice. Not sure if it's the best, more a bit as one variable on an equation. Compatibility is tough, and a fully committed partner is even tougher. I would look for those two items

[Jennz6]

That’s a great question

[Redstang88]

No, women always trade up eventually

[PresidentLucia]

Yep, this is true.