Would a relationship work if my partner is more in love with me than I am?

Question

We're both in our 30s, with me a bit older.

I'm in an LDR. We met for the first time a few weeks ago, 3 months into the relationship. We had so much fun. We got along well and everytime one of us felt anything negative, we talked about it in a healthy way.

All in all, our relationship is the healthiest both of us had ever had. Very respectful, yet fun and affectionate. No toxicity at all, no red flags. We talk and call daily. He had already said he loved me even before we met. I was waiting for the butterflies when we met.

Which never really came. When I saw him at the airport, I was glad and happy to finally be able to hold him, kiss him, and look into his eyes, yes. But there was no intense feeling.

When he left, he was the one to cry first at the airport. I only cried because I saw him cry.

Is there something wrong with me? I feel like he genuinely loves me, whereas I'm not quite there yet. And don't know if I will ever be there. Is there a "there"?

Maybe in my age and with my personality (I'm quite a strong woman), I just don't feel that overwhelming teenage love anymore. Maybe love at this stage of life is a stable, solid force that is just very reliable instead of a hurricane of emotions.

I do think that he's very good for me, he has enriched my life and I can imagine growing old with him. He also is already sure he's going to marry me. We'll be getting to know each other's family soon, in fact I already get along with his sister.

So I can't say that I don't love him. I'm just not feeling the butterflies, the blushing.

I'm not the kind of person who settles either. I've already given up on finding a man and was quite content with the idea of growing old alone, before I met him. So we know that I'd rather be alone than settle for someone.

Is it ok that I'm not feeling the heart-pumping emotions, but instead a very stable, very reliable feeling of contentment with him? I'm not deceiving him, am I?

Rosexøxø · Accepted Answer

You’re not deceiving him, you just feel bad you didn’t match his energy.

you're well calculated organized and prioritized. You’re responsible. You’re “even” so you’re self aware and can recognize others, and socialize with people.

You’re right with the teenage puppy love, and you’re right about the health and quality of it.

If you have no storms (no red flags 🚩 this is great).

Not everyone can honestly get along with the other gender.

Since you were content with being alone, you probably haven’t had a lot of guys treating you horribly or at least remember it. If you personally don’t desire spending time with a guy for days on end maybe companionships aren’t for you.

I think aside from this, the biggest problem and the solution to your problem is excitement. You’re lacking having real fun being excited and the laughter.

You can still be healthy and still be adventurous. Make time for fun. Try to have conversations on topics that you find interesting. Enjoy the conversations.

You can try asking him to try to be more romantic with you and a few times here and there try it as well for you both. Suggest romantic places. Maybe a dinner date that ends with a hot bath, chocolates and wine 🤷‍♀️. Going to an amusement park. Go out places. If you feel like you KNOW life, set out to learn something new with him, and this can also bond you both. Create new experiences and share them with him. Vice versa.

Don’t settle but don’t try either. Be honest with yourself and give yourself time. Don’t rush into things. Don’t force it to work cause you’d feel bad if it honestly didn’t.

I think you’re just bored. He’s not toxic. He’s not mean or rude to you. He’s a nice guy. Ask yourself if you find him attractive, handsome, sexy or cute. If he isn’t you still could make a relationship work but it wouldn’t be that great. It’d be the equivalent of an arranged marriage and you both just find ways to really get along. If you DO find him attractive then you definitely like him and have a chance.

I’ve done LDR and experienced similar. I realized we didn’t have the much needed contact and exploring together. Some routines can be boring. So make a new one for the both of you, that includes you both. In my relationship he didn’t make a lot of attempts to be with me, we just kind of agreed to enter the relationship phase. The comfort ability we developed over time meant we kind of skipped out on the courting or flirting kind of phase. Even so you don’t want to be or fall into a category like those married couples who get used to each other and stop the attempts to woo each other or at least be romantic in gesture.

Both of you should make gestures once in a while and again I emphasize journey together, find new experiences, learn stuff, and do new things together.

You met a nice guy and both of you are in the zone. The comfort zone. Except you’re anticipating sparks and electricity. This is known as crushing, sexual tensions, chemistry, and etc.

You have to get excited about him. You both have to have things in common or find new things in common which will: result in

Enjoyable Conversation (chemistry)

You have to see where the attraction is between you both and dabble in romantic gestures and sexual gestures cause this will result in healthy:

sexual lust/ relationship arousal/attraction; warm/crush feelings or butterflies

You have to occasionally try new things together which will result in:

chemistry / a sense of knowing each other/ an enjoyment with each other’s company/presence

This ^^ is the stuff that will help aid in feeling closer/connected and having more passion in the relationship. You’re not lacking butterflies but a sense of passion.

BUT

there’s a lot of potential, you both love each other if you both mean well for each other. You BOTH have a healthy relationship here to work with. It’s a perfectly clean canvas.

This can grow into something really enjoyable. You may not appreciate him as much because you’re already independent and self sufficient. You’ll appreciate him if you give him the chance, give you both the chance in new experiences. Either grand or small, but still great.

You’re 30 not dead. You can still live and find new routines, not just stick to the same boring one. You’re not here to mother him, so no need to feel tied down. Just try letting him tag along in the stuff and things you want to do and/or try. Give him some chances for his stuff too. See if you like his ideas of a fun time.

If he behaves this way with you I can guarantee he loves you and he probably finds you really attractive. He probably feels comfortable as if he already has you and hasn’t made any attempts to woo you or make love with you. So you’d have to communicate/discuss that in as much detail you are comfortable with. Because as ladies, I get it, we don’t want to tell the guy how to do everything A-Z, sometimes we just want to be surprised. For the thrill of it.

Try not to build heavy expectations, and say something along the lines like you’d like him to try to express his feelings for you more or try to surprise you once in a while. Every now and then. See his mindfulness and thoughtfulness.

I just want to say, no need to feel frustrated and realize you DO have a really good thing here. Don’t rush it because you still should see if this is right for YOU- not just him. The both of you. And you have to at least consider if you want to make the effort to communicate this, what you feel, and what you was kind of hoping for or some things that you’d appreciate. You’re not just 30, you’re a lady, and you’re not just a lady, you’re YOU. He has to have an idea of what you like and appreciate. If he’s willing and he tries and you receive it well, then you both have found a stable and romantic compatibility and connection, but if things just seem to keep missing the marks, then you both have to work through it together.

You both worked through the beginnings together, so if you have to work through the separation and the endings of this union, then you have to do it together. The way you always have.

Best to you!

Make room for

fun!! You already have the hunk :]

And if this all seems like a deterrent then be honest and fair with and to yourself and move on. Consider what the aftermath will look like- friendship, acquaintances, etc.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hun, there are different types of love, but here's the question: do you love him? And that's followed by "can you commit to him?" So what if you didn't get butterflies, that means you trust him and you were honest with him before you met and you had nothing to worry about... that's a GOOD thing. You were secure enough in your relationship that you didn't have to worry about him learning about the mole on your butt or a third nipple or whatever... thay is an adult relationship

Purpleronnie · Accepted Answer

Let me just start by saying well done on being open-minded enough to consider a LDR , I know they are not for me and being honest that opinion from experience has likely tainted my reply to your question a little being honest
Being completely transparent I have only once in a fair few relationships had those giddy feelings that you seem a little conflicted over , so in that sense I would consider that Normal or perhaps lucky that you at least experienced them before.. maybe to your point it is what we can expect as we change in outlook as we mature. But in my view there can be no correlation applied betwen having those feelings and having a forever relationship or even one that’s any more true or strong in any meaningful way. Continuing with honestly I have to say that I don’t see how anyone can love anyone else without sharing their company , so for him to believe he did before meeting you raises a flag.. just for a little caution if nothing else. Words don’t interest me nearly as much as actions , they are cheap by comparison. It seems healthy that you communicate often even it is not face to face , it’s also good that there is no tension and you both feel you can be open and honest but still in my head im stuck on the fact that it isn’t really real in the truest traditional sense of relationships , even though this view could nowadays be considered old fashioned , in this sense I’m happy to be labelled.

So to the answer of it being a deal breaker if your not bubbling over with chemistry in this new relationship, no it isn’t.. but is it even a relationship if you don’t really have him in your life?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It’s hard to say. In a relationship one person will always love the other more. That’s just how it is. But I feel as though the female needs to live the man more. I say this because women tend to get bored more in relationships. Men to me are simple, make sure we have food, sex, don’t argue, be nice among some other things. But it seems like a lot of women are never happy, many of them look at hypergamy. Especially nowadays women getting all this likes on social media. Inflates their head, then they think I can do better than this, what am I doing w him. I kind of wonder if you just liked the idea of having a man, that feeling someone gets when talking to someone new. But when you actually met it wasn’t the same because there wasn’t that mystery behind it still. I don’t know if that makes sense. You just need to be honest w him. Part of me makes me think you didn’t like something you seen about him, maybe look wise. Something he did. Women have a lot of ick factors they don’t even know about till it happens.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

My goal on this fantastic platform is to sprinkle a bit of love magic into your life! ❤️ I totally get where you're coming from, and there's nothing wrong with you, darling! Love takes on different shapes and shades as we mature. It’s not always about those electric butterflies but sometimes a deep, stable affection—a trusty GPS on life's road trip. As long as there's no lovebombing or red flags, you're good! Share how you feel with him, and let that sweet love story unfold naturally. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to fall in love at your own pace, even if it's not head over heels! 😘

Finchie40 · Answer

If you aren’t feeling the butterflies with him then you are best to set him free and let him find someone that has butterflies for him , because eventually you are going to hurt him big time , when you finally realize he isn’t the guy for you , I know you like him and care about him and you don’t hate him , but you don’t have the passion for him , that passion will sadly never come , respect if you don’t feel it now , so you are just wasting his time and your time by thinking it will. Passion in the beginning of a relationship is important , so if there is none now , it won’t come later. If you choose to stay with him , it will just be a matter of time before you crush him and hurt his feelings , especially if you come across a guy that does give you the butterflies. You won’t hesitate to be in his arms. Do the both of you a favor and end it with him

mattthefatbat · Answer

I believe time will tell. You sound like you are very happy and content with being with him in a normal way. When I saw that you "given up on finding a man" i felt like that feeling has probably something to do with how you are seeing your partner now. Because since he has met you during the time you've given up your wants for finding a man you likely won't be as excited or longing to be with a man deep down, as you would've possibly been if you had met him before you given up on finding a man. But I can still see the relationship working out he seems like he would never get bored of being with you as long as you don't get bored of being with him. But if you feel like you're losing motivation talk it out with him. Although usually if one partner isn't as in love as the other is in the relationship it usually makes the relationship feel onesided, and just sad.

lorenzomichael · Answer

Hold up you said that he said “That he loved you before you guys even met.” How is that even possible? But while I try to wrap my head around that one, let me just tell you this honey if you’re not feeling him now you’re not ever gonna feel him. But it seems like your relationship is kind of strange unconventional Actually. But let me ask you something are you at least attracted to him? I don’t know about all that crying at the airport. I’ve never done that bullshit. At any rate it sounds like this guy is too needy. and needy is no good. Well you’ll figure it out. Good luck.

sawno · Answer

I think your expectation is wrong, you are expecting infatuation not love. Love is truly loving someone for who they are and a much more pure deep feeling. The butterfly stuff is infatuation and always temporary. If you pursue that specifically it will always end.

Billlewis · Answer

That's actually the best scenario for a relationship, in my experience.

Emmytexrex · Answer

Was the feeling there when the two of didn't see each other or it started when you guys met physically

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

You like a mail-order bride or something? How did you have a relationship before actually meeting?  I'm confused. 😕

Staximus · Answer

It's not even a relationship yet, give it some time. You're both putting too much mustard on the hot dog. You literally only saw each other once in your life.

dudegreat91 · Answer

Nope

Would a relationship work if my partner is more in love with me than I am?

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