How did you realize that you were in a toxic or mentally abusive relationship?

Question

I think I’m beginning to see that I’m currently in a toxic relationship. I’ve always thought I was the toxic one so I went to therapy for it but then now I’m being told that I’m not the issue… I’m so confused and feel like I’m being gaslit, I’m losing my mind, I haven’t felt peace in so long

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Things were fine or appeared to be until her younger sister and her older brother announced they were getting married in the same year. We were to get married but she had gotten pregnant accidentally of on purpose I don't know so we needed to save money because it had to be the big expensive wedding.

Anyway she started to turn nasty towards me, she stopped looking after our place and our son leaving it all to me, she didn't go to work half the time and started to lose a lot of weight to fit into her bridesmaid dress. Nothing I did was good enough, and if we had sex it was just a chore to her and she had no intrest in climaxing. Then she started acting suspiciously. My parents used to babysit while she worked her job 9-3pm and she would return 3 hours late at times with phony excuses, my father asked her why she was late one day and she lied directly to his face after he saw her in her car. I caught her seating another man and she lied and said she was just bored. Anyway a few months go by and she's sweet as pie that is right up until I paid for our hotel room at her sister's wedding then she just ignored me the whole wedding, 2 days solid and back to her bitter self and became physically abusive. She got a job in the summer tending bar at a club and would be back late saying she stayed with friends, she would think it funny if i asked if shed been cheating like she was getting some sort of cheap trill out of lying. So one morning I decided to get up early and look for her and there was the guy she had been sexting in a car park, her car battery was dead and he was giving her a jump start. I chased the fucker and hit him around the eyes and he got in his car and drove off, my son was in my car. She tried to assure me nothing happened and they were just friends but I didn't believe her. When she went to her brother's wedding alone I moved my stuff out. A week later I got a call telling me I had to go to the std clinic, still wouldn't admit she was cheating. Anyway it also turned out she was beating our son and had been before, I called social services and they insisted my son go back to her the next day and that she would be supervised living with her parents for a year. Turned out she'd been taking my son cheating to this guy's house too. I ended up with 3/7 custody because I threw this guy's record on the table at a social services meeting after they said he passed the police checks. He has a history of pedophilia, is a convicted arsonist, made hoax bomb threats and let a man rape his daughter. He's not allowed to be alone with my son unfortunately that's the best I could get, if my son had been born a girl this guy wouldn't be allowed in the same room like his other children. She's looking to set uo home with this sleazy guy and is really butthurt about it all because before we broke up she had been going around trying to blacken my name that I was such a bad guy but now it's all out there. She went through the whole women's aid playbook of making false allegations and threats from rape to stalking to harassment to verbal abuse and of course threats from her solicitor of restraining orders, prohibited steps order, non-molestation orders etc and recently brought me to court to stop me going to our son's first communion even though it was my court appointed day and of course the judge throws it out and j record every conversation, phone call, messages etc with my phone and my dash cam. Police interviewed me about following her after picking my son up from her parents. I was able to show on the dash cam her overtaking me down a road she didn't even need to go down and then me turning in the opposite direction to go home. Her family know the whole story and are ashamed. She thought she'd dump me and 3 months later slip this new guy into my place as if she hadn't been cheating on me then make out I was an abusive controlling ex. 4 years on everytime her family has a big event I get it in the teeth.

Lynx122 · Accepted Answer

Well you have to be in tune with your emotional and mental needs and then see how other people have an impact on that. Do they respect you and treat you in a way that leaves room for what you need. Or do you have to fight for everything even the most basic things they start a confrontation with you and make you feel like you don't deserve it or like you're not doing enough etc.

It's actually not that hard but you have to value and love yourself first and put your needs as a top priority. Without that it will be easy for others to treat you badly because you're not taking care of yourself.

For me I can already feel in my gut if someone doesn't act with good intentions or is a potential danger to my wellbeing. It doesn't have to be in a violent way it can be in a financial way or bad for my mental health etc. Sometimes there are more tricky situations like a former housemate/landlord it was more difficult to understand his game. But I learned from it now. But usually I'm right about people all the time.

You have to look at how they make decisions. If they seem nice enough and you spend some time with someone you'll see them be in situations where they have to decide between 2 things. And from there you can start to get a picture of their priorities. If I spend a bunch of time with people I can predict most of their decisions because I know how they think and that makes it easy to decide if this person is good to be around or not.

thegreenyogi · Accepted Answer

You realise you're in a toxic relationship when the person you're with doesn't make you happy. You will feel like you're suffering all the time because the harder you try to make your partner happy he will always find you at fault and will make you feel like you're never good enough. You also realise you're in a toxic relationship when you start to be less and less yourself and try to mould yourself into the person you think your partner wants and because you feel like you're walking on a mine field all the time afraid anything you do or say will make the person you're with implode and start an argument. And you know you're in a toxic relationship the moment you start to feel relief if that person isn't home or you don't have to speak to that person over the phone because he cancels for some reason ( this is the case if its a long distance relationship).

And trust me you are never the problem. Your partner clearly has issues of his own and he channels them through his relationship with you using you as his personal punch bag for his frustrations.

MemeSupreme · Accepted Answer

never was in an abusive relationship, but my parents taught me a lot about what to look out for bc they were uh...  a lot do you feel stupid and like your opinion doesn't matter feel like you can't be angry they keep score of who did what wrong  withholding affection or money they give hypercriticism yet can't handle mild criticism  feeling like if you leave then they have no where to go  somehow always outcompetes you when you complain/vent apologizing when you shouldn't have to just to make them feel better or just like straight up apologizing so often fearing or like stressing that you'll fuck up or actually being afraid when you do they have excuses for shitty behavior they're always the victim says mean things about you then says it's a joke  
 
 I don't know if your relationship is toxic or abusive, but both are gonna leave you feeling like crap after every interaction. even in my past relationships where i was the toxic one i felt crappy after. i feel like when a relationship is like that then it's time to move on

blueonblack22 · Answer

If you had to think this hard to “realize” you were in a “toxic” relationship then there is really more of a problem with you than the other way around.

You are a grown adult living in the modern world and in a free country. You are not a victim of your own bad decisions nor powerless to make better ones.

People will respect you more if you own up and take responsibility for making a bad choice vs. doing mental gymnastics to relieve yourself of accountability. That is what emotional maturity is. Once you do that it gives you agency to make better future decisions. It’s empowering to take responsibility.

This is not say your ex (or soon to be ex) was justified to do whatever he did. He probably was a complete dbag. But there were red flags you most likely ignored.

Many people make this mistake including men (quite often) of overlooking these. But men don’t go looking for shoulders to cry on when we make shitty decisions. We know nobody will feel sorry for us. It’s time more women be held the same standard we are when it comes to this.

Brittanykeen88 · Answer

I was so young it took a while unfortunately. About 3 years into the relationship. It started slow, like silent treatment or attitude change towards me. But not telling me what was wrong. Example, I was a virgin when we met. He was patient at first then after two months he basically guilt tripped me into having sex. I was so terrified of intimacy. He even told my brother in law, which is how we met, he was going to dump me because I wouldn't put our. Once sex started it all went down hill. I slowly became trauma bonded. I started to think it was my fault. I ended having two children with him , and that didn't help anything. He was physically abusive while I was pregnant. If you want to talk I'm here. I stayed for 11 years of misery I wouldn't recommend continuing this relationship if you feel unsafe in it

IlllllIll · Answer

Probably when I threatened to call the cops on my parents if they didn't stop harassing us.

Or when my father tried to force the door of our appartment because we refuse to see him.

Or when they tried to blackmail me into visiting more often since I owed it to them?

When I was sexually assaulted and they told me it was because the way I was dressed? I was 15. And in the neighbourhood most women were vieled. Sorry, if my clothes were fine enough for a private catholic highschool but not for living in the suburbs.

NZGirl07 · Answer

Honestly often you need to leave the relationship and find peace, and then you begin to see in retrospect how toxic things were. This happened for me after leaving a toxic relationship and friendship.

Because you are still in it it can be somewhat normalised in your mind, and it is still a current reality.

You need to leave and find your peace. Life is too short to deal with toxic people.

exitseven · Answer

She used to yell at me and called me horrible names and she tried to hit me a few times and once she bit me so hard I still have the scar.

OddBeMe · Answer

Yes with my mother, and dad just enables her. Blocked em both.

Anonymous · Answer

When she started threatening to kill herself until she got her way

Anonymous · Answer

Her constant cheating

How did you realize that you were in a toxic or mentally abusive relationship?

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What made you realize that you were in a toxic relationship?

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What made you realize that you were in a toxic relationship?

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