My bestfriend is willing to ditch our friendship after 10 years, because I don't support her relationship?

[WhereIsMyMind]

We've been best friends for 10+ years, she has always thrown herself in to every relationship she gets in to and then it's as if nothing else matters. She asked me to be a bridesmaid at their wedding... as soon as she said he is going to propose I just couldn't help but tell her how I feel.

Recently I moved an hour away, and I have suggested meeting up many times, but she won't. There's always some excuse. She asked if he could come, and I said I'd like us to just spend some time alone together first, and then he can come the second time because we haven't seen eachother for a while. At first she agreed, but then she kept putting it off and making excuses as to why she couldn't. Probably because he needs his hand held 24/7, and didn't like the idea of her spending the day with me!

What hurts me as well is that she will always spend time with his sister (she's a similar age), but she won't make any time for me anymore. Yet when I ask to meet up, she says she has no money, or that her schedule is full?

I can't stand him, and I've always been honest with her when she's asked me about people she's been interested in in the past.

He is a total loser, he's controlling, lives with her rent-free, bought a pet without her permission (which she is now looking after 90% of the time!), and he has just been rude and dismissive towards me whenever I've seen him. The first time I met him he was a different person, but it seems like now he has his feet under the table he couldn't care less.

She told me that if I can't support her then she is done caring. This has made me so angry because it's not like she has even been 'caring' about me at all since the start of their relationship. We always used to be SO close, we would do everything together. But now we only message, I haven't seen her in months. She booked a meal for my birthday a couple of months ago, but she had to cancel it due to beyond her control, said that we would do something else instead, but it never happened.

Updates

5 mo

I guess what I'm asking is, how would you handle this situation? I know that they won't last forever so no doubt she will be contacting me at some point trying to reconcile, but this isn't the first time a toxic relationship has been #1 priority before anything else in her life.

As much as I do want to be there for her again, it's difficult. I'm very angry, she's not being a good friend... I don't really know what to do, and I'm so upset. How can I move on from it?

[Hulk_kitty]

Its sounds like you need to move on, she doesn't sound like much of a friend anymore, not making the time for you anyway.

Also it sound like the friendship has now come to the point, its now affecting your wellbeing, if that is the case, then your wellbeing comes first over any friendship.

Unfortunately you have to accept, the reality of the situation and that is you can't change people. The more you try and change someone, for your benefit or for their benefit, the more angry and fustrated you get.

Also you have accept people change and evolve over time, I have had a friend I have known for 15 years, over the last couple years he has changed a great deal, not the same person anymore, and doesn't' treat the same anymore, I have tried so hard to make the relationship work, I have given up now. So I have decided to move on, and focus on other friends.

We are just wasting time and energy on people, who don't want to spend with us, no point wasting anymore time, hurting ourselves trying to fix a relationship that they don't really want.

I understand you want to help your friend with regards to the new boyfriend, and might be toxic for her, but unfortunately there doesn't nothing you can do stop her.

I have realised being too helpful and looking out for someone will only push them away from you. The more you tell people not do something, the more they want to do it, and pursue it.

I suggest you leave your friend alone with regards to the new boyfriend, you have stated your case to her. Its now time, for her to take responsilbity for her life and her choices, even if they are bad ones. You can't be her lifeguard, or her step parent and try and protect for danger.

Remember you are just a good friend, nothing more, Yes its good of you, to look out for her. But its not your job to keep protecting her from bad people. You have your own life to get on with, and your own problems, goals, dreams to be worrying about.

Stop worrring about your friend, your wasting your life, on things you could be achieving. Remember your biggest currency in this world, is your time, you can't get it back. The more time you waste it on this friendship, the more time your giving away to more important things in your life.

USE YOUR TIME WISELY AND MORE ON WORKING HARD ON YOUR GOALS, SO WHEN GET OLD, YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD LIFE. At 50 years old, you want to start thinking about slowing down with regards to work, and spending more time with family, and holidays.

YOUR TIME IS YOUR BIGGEST CURRENCY, NOT YOUR BANK BALANCE. DON'T WASTE IT, ON THE WRONG PEOPLE OTHER WISE, YOU WILL GET EMOTIONALLY BANKRUPT.

[JacobJordan]

I had to learn this lesson with a friend of mine growing up. every time he got a girlfriend he would want to talk to me about her and I would listen and then he would ask my opinion thing is he displayed no healthy markers for the relationship so I told him he should end it he obviously didn't and then when the relationship failed he would ask me how I knew. I told him it doesn't matter because you didn't listen anyways. this happened repeatedly and I finally stopped and when he asked what I thought I said "your life your choice" he made many mistakes over the next several years leading him down a path I had been hoping to help him avoid but he had to make those mistakes I guess. He eventually contacted me asking for help because he had nothing and no one. Sadly you can't always protect the ones you love especially when they don't want to protect themselves. She needs to make her own choices and her own mistakes. you will tear yourself apart if you keep trying to help her when she doesn't want help

[ChicoFromThe305]

Sounds like a complicated situation, I think that if she's not willing to see the effort you are putting into the friendship and isn't willing to put effort of her own, then there's really no friendship there, just two people that know each other, my recommendation would be to give the couple space, distance yourself like y'all aren't friends but don't completely unfriend her, just kinda disappear on her basically, focus on yourself, mostly if their relationship is new, it's normally a moment where they are stuck to each others added for a while, it will reach a moment where she will be clear headed to think of your friendship and maybe for once she will initiate, I wouldn't say completely break the friendship because it's a long term friendship, I did this ghost thing on a few people and they went through hardships in life and they crawled back to the homies, a part of being a better friend is being there for them even if they weren't there for you at certain moments, life things are normal and I became doubt they are going to be glued to each other forever.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Asses for a while*

[Oliverlogan263]

Ouch that sucks, 10 years is a long time to be such good friends. It does sound like this guy is slowly trying to isolate her from you and her other friends though, which is a red flag. She probably doesn't even see it yet. I'd give it to her straight, but also try not to lose the friendship. Maybe say something like "look I care about you and I'm worried this dude is changing who you are. I just want my best friend back, but I also gotta call it how I see it to look out for you. Lets meet up just us and talk, I miss spending time with you." If she still ditches you then at least you tried, but she's probably just caught up in new relationship feelings right now. Still keep an open line in case she wises up later on. And stay friends with her other friends in case they see what's up too down the line. Don't burn bridges completely unless you really have to.

[BarryLiverstone]

The fact that you have moved an hour away has caused some of the changes you are seeing, as humans we like patterns and when you lived closer it was easier to go and visit her.


You clearly don’t like the person that she married, and that’s why she feels that you no longer support her. Deciding on a lifelong partner is a major commitment and you have told her indirectly that she made the wrong choice. This is one reason there is friction on her side.


You said that you feel angry. Why do you feel that way?

[loveslongnails]

You tell her this man has changed you and you're no longer ACTING LIKE or BEING the friend she once knew because he's manipulating and controlling you.

You tell her this is CLASSIC control stuff, and his treatment of you is because he recognizes you're a threat. He knows that you know he's a loser pos, so he makes her unavailable to you. You tell her you understand that finding a life partner is a priority, but dumping your friendships at that partner's say so should be your biggest red flag.

You tell her you'll be there to pick her up the first time he hits her, or when he dumps her. You go to her wedding, but not as a bridesmaid. You give her a gift for herself, not for them as a couple. Give her something only she can use, like a spa thing or a gift card for make-up or something like that.

Then you wait till he hits her.

[Andres77]

Don’t be a part of her idiocy. If she really loved you as a friend this would not have been an offense worth destroying the relationship. Tough love. Don’t compromise yourself for her belligerence. A friendship is a collaborative effort.

[ThrillSeeker01]

I totally understand how you feel. I can't handle it if I have to deal with an asshole spouse someone is married to.

[Staximus]

Ask her "why do you want to marry a fucking bum?"

[Anonymous]

Love is blind and make people blind...
You can't do anything n please don't do anything just sit back n enjoy your life..

She will come to you once her eyes open lol..