How to convince my best friend to leave her partner?

[Anonymous]

By partner, I mean they are not in a relationship. Long story short, my best friend finally caved and gave this dude a chance who had been crushing on her for a few months. This started on Halloween, and at first I was really rooting for him, but it didn’t take long to change my perspective. One of the biggest issues is that he is stringing her along. After only these few months he tells her he’s in love w/ her (she said it first), but yet won’t officially lock in a relationship. I know it’s because of other women, since multiple people have tried telling her, not to mention I’ve caught him with same two others girls a few times when I go to the bar w/ my boyfriend. Even recently he went out with his ex to dinner, and when my bestie tried to get the truth, he denied it repeatedly before she literally had to tell him that someone saw him on a date, then he came clean. He flirts with others in front of her (more recently he actually sucked/kissed her close friends fingers right in front of her, then called the next day apologizing profusely). I’ve never seen my friend hurt so much over a guy, like she’s cried herself to sleep and had a breakdown at this same bar her frequents bc he was ignoring her to drink with one of the other 2 girls. It’s just constant disrespect from him, and so toxic for her since she already struggles w/ depression and really wants things to work with him since they don’t seem to with anyone else. I try to be removed, but she pulls me back in desperately wanting advice about him, which she never takes. I want to see her in a healthier situation but she doesn’t want to be alone. Is there something I can say to help her leave? Or should I ask her to stop talking to me about him and let her do her thing?

Updates

+1 y

I want to say: I feel like I’m at a place where if you are going to stay with him then I just need to stay out of it completely and not hear about it. I never want you to feel like you can’t talk to me, but it’s just like the more he hurts you the more resentful I get towards him and I don’t want to feel that way. Especially if he’s someone I’m going to have to interact with often in the future. I think you’d feel this same way if the shoe were on the other foot, so I hope you can understand.

[jaybee281]

Ohhh my I've had a friend who was in a similar situation - She'd make alibis and excuses for everything the dude did even when knowing the truth - She eventually told me that it seems like I'm trying to sleep with her which is why I'm telling her to get him out of her life - I never spoke to her again - But yea the moment you said he says he loves her but won't commit to her was when I literally got flashbacks😂 - I don't know what to tell you but in your update I felt the same way but worse - I couldn't bear seeing her get played like that while constantly hearing her say shit "Why doesn't he want to be with me?" "I just need to talk to him and we'll fix it" - The dude literally telling all his close and not so close friends - Including myself - that she's a whore and that we should fuck her if we want because it's easy - he called her a pornstar and that she likes black dick even though he's white af (to insinuate she's a whore) , the very next day he saw her to her face he'd tell her he misses her and he can't see her with other guys and even brought her a gift with his perfume on it - but he "can't" be with her - then 15 mins later we'd be playing football and he casually calls her a whore... For all I know he might still be leading her on but I did all I could

[jaybee281]

And sorry for the essay but it's kind of personal so I had to say it - Anyway - I don't know as someone who's been through that situation - all I felt like was I wanted to confront her and state every single bad thing he did and make it clear how dumb she is - I'd probably have screamed because I cared - But it is what it is

[Asker]

Man, you hit the nail right on the head with your comment because your experience is so similar to what’s happening for me. Like my friend literally has this guy disrespect her in so many ways, then his apologies fix it. I talk to her about it til I’m blue in the face, have had to console her several times bc she was having an emotional breakdown on his behalf, and just so much stuff. I feel right on the brink of doing what you did and never talking again, because I just feel so fed up and sick of seeing her hurt. I think the only thing that keeps me around is we’ve been best friends for like 14 years, because with any other person I would’ve dropped them already. Sounds like you made the right choice, especially if your friend was being so ridiculous as to think you wanted her just for trying to be supportive. It’s crazy how much excuses these women make to cover for the shitty guy who won’t commit. Sigh. I appreciate you commenting very much🙏

[jaybee281]

Any time - And holy fuck 14 years I understand why you'd put up with it so much though it must anger you like hell - and I have to say the consoling her part was honestly the worst part - Not because I minded being there for her quite the opposite - but I'd be literally trying for 15 mins to convince her how much of a dickhead he is - then after those 15 mins it's like I said nothing and she makes herself cry over it while I'm there so it's like okay I can't tell her anything I have to help her out so I shut up and console her - and then when it's done I'd get really angry about it because nothing changed - If I'm being honest I thought to myself that if I confronted him I'd be able to completely end it if I put every bad thing he did on blast especially if I do so in front of her - But I already feared it'd look like I'm hitting on her and that he'd use it against me - I didn't think she would be the one to accuse me of it before I had even done it - Anyway - for now you're going to text her what you wrote in your update?

[Asker]

Dude that’s so frustrating! I definitely hear you, especially with not only how much time you spent trying to console her and she doesn’t listen, but also having the urge to just call him out. I actually had that happen with her in the past. She’s got a track record of choosing shitty guys (although this one takes the cake), and in our earlier 20s I had a breaking point and fired off on the guy and we had a huge argument. In the end it blew up in my face bad, so with this new guy I’ve really tried holding my tongue when I can. Still there’s only so much of that I can do before my compassion kicks in and I try to help. But tbh it just feels like a constant slap in the face because it’s like why waste my time asking for advice and to be a shoulder if she’s only going to see him later in the night or keep giving him chances, you know? So I’m really leaning towards saying what I posted in the update. My only hold up is feeling like that will really hurt her feelings, so I revised it to just be super simple and along the lines of “hey, at the end of the day it’s your situation not mine. I understand that sometimes it doesn’t matter what anyone says, you just have to go through it and get fed up on your own. So if he is that guy that you want to go through it with then I can’t stop you, I just hope it works out”, and leave it like that.

[jaybee281]

But don't you think she won't understand what you mean and then come back again and talk about him with you? Because when I read it it felt more you're telling her that you'll let her do what she wants since that it's her situation - Not that you're bothered by it or anything

[Asker]

I was actually thinking this exact same thing. I think my fear is to come off as I’m being mean, and honestly my revision was meant to be more like ‘just do what you want, and good luck’. But maybe it’s better to go with what I was initially going to say and let the cards fall where they may, because I really am just fed up with the situation and don’t want to hear about it anymore. I haven’t sent her anything just yet, I keep ping ponging back and forth😞

[jaybee281]

Yea I know how you feel - she's already in her bad feelings and this might make her feel worse - and there is no way around it it's a fucked up feeling (for you especially) - But I think you should be honest with her otherwise the resentment inside you is gonna be crazy and she'll probably still won't have changed anything which only leaves you in a fucked up position - Maybe try a variation of telling her that you could let things be but you feel like you'll regret it if you don't tell her this - then you say that the guy has done this and this and this and has no excuse not to commit to you but still wouldn't because he's simply leading you on and you keep giving him excuses the moment he apologizes - And this has been going on for a long time to the point I can't see you like this anymore - which is why I don't want to be at all involved with this entire situation (or that's the part in which you write the first sentence of your update) - and then you tell her that she's your best friend and if you didn't care it wouldn't bother you so much but you just can't anymore so since that you can't help her you'd rather be like that.. And then say what you were saying in the update - Well now I re-read what I typed - I agree it's not really nice nor do I think you'd be comfortable sending it - But I still feel that you have to - For your sake and so you don't feel like you could have said something more or whatever.. Maybe re-write it your way or something? I'm only worried you'll feel guilty after sending it really even though that's what should be said

[Asker]

Thank you so much for even taking the time to write this, it’s been so helpful because you really get what’s going on and how shitty it is, so I appreciate it a ton. She actually reached out just a bit ago and said “I don’t want to walk away from him I want to be with him so badly, and we had a talk about things and he’s honestly trying. I want this so bad I really do, but thank you for listening to me when I’m being dumb over a guy, I shouldn’t do that but I know I do, especially to you so I’m sorry’, end text. I didn’t even send her anything yet it was unprompted, but I’m at a loss for words. I want to ask why she doesn’t love herself enough to want better from a person and why this treatment is enough, but it feels pointless, she won’t leave him and I feel like I’m suffering the repercussions of being a shoulder for her to cry on. I may just leave the message on open and wash my hands..

[jaybee281]

No worries - I actually never spoke about this with anyone before and thought you wouldn't even read the paragraph as it was that long - but you did - so thank you really - And bear with me because this actually got me a little bit pissed off - "He's honestly trying" - Trying what? This isn't some twilight movie where the guy really wants to be with the girl but can't be because he's afraid he'll take her blood - Committing to her is a simple decision of yes I want to or no I don't - My god he's leading her on so easily (I know you know this I'm just pissed off as aforementioned) - the good thing is she acknowledges and is aware of how this is affecting you - but still it doesn't give you a break or anything it just reinforces what you're unable to change and what is already making you feel bad - I personally wouldn't recommend asking her about something nor leaving the message and just you know decide not to get involved again because she probably will involve you again - If you want - I feel like this is actually the best time for you to be completely honest about the entire situation and how you feel - I think my previous reply is a good way to go through with it as it sums up the situation well (I think) - as long as that is how you feel and think about the situation then give it a go from there and if not just say what you genuinely feel just don't feel like holding back and asking questions because you will stop yourself from being clear with her - If you feel like it'd be hard on you to do it I understand since that I barely could do it myself (it literally took her telling me what she told me for me to be honest, which I wish I had done earlier) - I don't know all I'm saying is that if you say everything you feel and everything that is happening truthfully you'll get out of this and won't have anything you wish you had done later...

[jaybee281]

I've never typed the word feel this much I should work on my verb usage

[Asker]

You’re 100% right about everything you said. To be honest I think that me trying to spare her feelings is a big problem for me, because this huge frustration is starting to build and the last thing I want to do is have another argument over a guy. I agree with you, and i need to just be forthright, not choosing simpler versions of what truly needs to be said. I still haven’t replied to that text, so here’s what I think I’d like to say: “you’re saying sorry to me when you should really be apologizing to yourself. In all these years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you allow such behavior and it’s just hurtful to witness. I don't know how many times someone has to say they saw him with another girl, even I’ve seen him there. What’s annoying is it makes me feel like you’d have the nerve to call me a liar, of all people, rather than believe my honesty as your BEST friend. He’s shit on you so many times in just 3 months, do you really think he is going to get better? That he’s just going to flip some switch and not be the same person that’s giving you mental breakdowns? I hate that you need a relationship so much that you’d tolerate this bs but you know what, I’m done talking about it. You know I love you as a sister, but part of caring so much is that I can’t watch you self destruct over this person who won’t even give you a title. If you insist on riding it out with him then go ahead, but I can’t hear these things and then smile in his face directly after. I’m sorry but I hope you can understand. You’re doing what you need to and so am I”.

[Asker]

I’m far too nice so I think that part of me makes me hesitant to say all of that, but it needs to be done

[jaybee281]

Not gonna lie while reading your replies I was thinking to myself that you sound like a really nice person - not only that but you'd honestly be a shitty friend if you didn't feel the way you're feeling - And about the text you wrote - it's really good - it shows you care as well as the truth - probably better than what I would've written - And don't worry about this as you said even though it isn't the nicest thing to say it has to be said especially that in the long run you'll feel glad you said it for your sake and her sake - so don't feel guilty nor hesitant because you're doing a good thing - well arguably the best thing looking at the options you have in this situation - So if you want to go for it - and if you're asking for my opinion - I say definitely go for it

[Asker]

Phew, I’m glad you agree with what I wrote because I did send it last night lol. I was actually going to wait for your response, but then she texted me incredibly upset over him and sent some screenshots of their conversation at the time. Those texts were like the push I needed and I sent my message, to which she responded “idk. He does make me really happy but there’s just one thing after another and it’s all weighing on me. When I asked him what he wants he said he didn’t want the stress of a label, so I said ok so we’re not together and he said we are together”. That makes absolutely no sense, being together but she can’t call him her boyfriend? We went back and forth a bit before she just left me on read and that was last night, haven’t heard anything since. I’m not even bothered by it to be honest, just annoyed. Anyway, sorry for ranting lol but thanks again for your advice and for listening. I know my conversation with her is far from over but now I will just be very firm about my stance and distance myself from that situation.

[jaybee281]

Ohhhh shit that was quick😂😂 - Well I'm secretly proud of myself that you were waiting for my response lol - honestly though the way I see it is that you should say what you genuinely feel and that's it regardless if someone disagrees (hell even if I did) or if it might hurt them - so you really did the right thing - I'm also glad that it just annoys you instead of any actual negative feelings (I was worried you'd feel too hesitant out of guilt that you wouldn't send it so it's good to hear that you already had sent it😂) - And yea it definitely won't be the last convo regarding him - But at least now that you've already got past that fear of her taking it badly - It's much easier to be strictly non involved from now on.. And don't worry about the ranting I did it too and you did listen to me as well - If you need anything I'm speaking really genuinely here just give me a reply on this thread whenever you feel like it and we'll talk it out.. This was a nice talk pink anon (it was either that or [insert name])

[Asker]

Lol yes you’ve been so helpful! Thanks again, I’m sure we will chat again in the future. Take care!☺️

[Wise4myage]

The truth is right in front of her, so she needs to figure that out on her own. And yes, tell to stop mentioning anything about him to you.

[Asker]

I want to tell her to stop, but a big part of me feels like I wouldn’t be being a good friend bc friends are supposed to be a shoulder to lean on when things are hard. But I’m at a place where I can’t keep advising her, only for her to go right back, so I agree that we will definitely need to have that talk. Thanks a lot for commenting🙏

[Wise4myage]

You're welcome.

[boggboss]

Just continue to reiterate it over and over that he is bad 4 her

[Asker]

Thanks for commenting; I feel like I try really hard to do this, yet she just keeps going back and it’s gotten so frustrating to have my time wasted.

[boggboss]

If she is your best friend I wouldn't say its wasted time

[Asker]

Yeah, I guess it just feels that way because she doesn’t take any of my advice. We can talk about something he’s done for hours, then by the end of the day she’s talking about getting ready to go see him. It’s just frustrating and hurtful for me to see, that’s all..

[boggboss]

Meh its her life she will live it how she wants u can just watch

[Asker]

Yeah, I think that’s for the best, just to step back and let her do what feels right even if it’s staying with him. Anyway I’ve taken enough of your time lol thanks for your opinion, it’s helpful ☺️

[awkward_author]

Since she's not listening, all you can do is set some boundaries. I would suggest telling her what you mentioned wanting to say in your update.