My boyfriend is 17 and he has tried hookah once... tried brown sugar once.. he used to smoke cigg and drink on occasions.. I said I can't be with him?

[Anonymous]

I said i can't he with him and he promised he'll leave all those.. He said he tried that because he was living in hostels away from his home and now he's home again so he'll never try again and said me to sty with him.. Bt I don't know I'm not feeling safe now after knowing these all.. Am I overreacting? Or am. I wrong if I'm leaving him or should I stay with him coz he's Appolozing so muchh 🙂 I don't know I'm confused as hell

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn, that's a tough situation sis. On the one hand, you gotta trust your gut if something makes you feel unsafe or uneasy. But your dude does seem genuinely sorry and wants to make things right.

A couple things to think about - was any of that stuff a regular thing for him, or just trying it once/a few times out of curiosity? If he was experimenting because of being away from home at a weird time in his life, that's different than if it was an ongoing habit.

Also, living together now means he'll be around you and your support system, instead of in some sketchy hostels where it's easier to get into trouble. That alone could really help him make better choices going forward.

If it was more about being in a bad situation than a real addiction problem, I'd say give him another chance - but lay down clear boundaries. Make it known those things are a 100% dealbreaker now that he's home. His actions from here will show if he's being serious.

Trust but verify too - don't feel bad checking in now and then. If he's really committed to proving himself, he won't care about rebuilding that trust. Just be sure you also take care of yourself - don't feel stuck if he breaks promises. You gotta do what feels right for you in the end.

Tough call, but I think giving a second chance with stern boundaries is fair - as long as you look out for yourself first and don't let anyone make you uneasy, you know? He seems really sorry so maybe he deserves the chance to do better.

[Asker]

Thank youuu so muchhhh dear 💕 bt yk I'm not staying with him.. We are in a ldr and after 4 months he'll be going to hostels again so that's the reason I'm unable to trust him and in my family these things are not so normalized yk wht I'm saying like my father has never touched alcohol.. Nothing.. That's why it's hard for me 🙂

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome luv 😊 and Yeah I totally get it, that long distance mixed with going back to hostels would definitely make it hard to trust him not to get influenced again. And coming from a family that's pretty straight edge about that stuff, I can see why his past behaviors wouldn't sit right. You gotta follow what feels right and safe for you. Distance is one thing, but adding questions about his judgment calls when he's away from home again... that would weigh on me too for sure. Respect for sticking to your boundaries. As much as it probably sucks right now, I think ending it is the smart move so you're not constantly worrying when you're apart. You'll find someone else who shares your values more closely in time. Just focus on you for now - you made a good choice!