Relationships

Why do I suffer so much when I like someone?

Im currently having a kind of relationship with a friend i made recently (we're both girls and 18 yo), basically we're some kind of friends with benefits? we've kissed several times and fucked twice and probably will more in the future. the thing is that even if I'm okay with the relationship staying like this and i really have no desire to be her girlfriend, i do like her a fucking lot. she lives far and won't be here until uni starts again (we're both living in the college's dorms) and the thing is that im so desperate for her attention it's sad! she usually does not answer messages and usually and dgaf about people not replying but with her i feel like i will die, I don't want to feel like this, but it's just the same whenever i like someone! last year i was head over heals over a male teacher of mine and cried all night over him, liking my past boyfriends was pure suffering too. i just really wish i could be able to like people normally, i just relapsed on self harm over this girl. well, cutting, because i usually hit myself or bang my head against things. there's really no reason to think that she hates me, yet i do all the time, it's unbearable. am i crazy? does anyone else feel like this? i feel as if i wanted to eat her and squeeze her, i feel so bad whenever she leaves me, it's not healthy and even if I don't express this emotional dependency i have, i fear she may notice it and leave. still, i do not have any desire to be more than friends, she's such a cool fucking person i feel being her girlfriend would make her disgusted of me. it's just that, the constant feeling of fear of being hated. I don't know why am i saying this on here, i just needed to put things out my chest somewhere lmao, I don't even know what am i trying to ask. anyways anyone reading this, have a good day

Why do I suffer so much when I like someone?
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