Is meeting up with an ex cheating?

[Anonymous]

Even if the meet up was 100% platonic or even professional?

Totally

Depends

Nope

Updates

4 mo

What if the meetup was hidden and done behind your partner’s back, would that classify it as cheating then even if the meetup was for work?

Updates

4 mo

And just to be clear, my boyfriend was the one that met up with his ex lol

[Screenwriter]

Let's define "Cheating." It is doing something underhanded and wrong. It is doing something deceitful. It cheats a person or persons without their knowledge, and to their detriment. And though it may temporarily advantage the cheater, it is unlikely to do so in the long run because cheaters are usually caught, then have to face "punishment."

Whether punishment is emotional, physical or criminal, the risks from cheating are significant.

So, the aforementioned meeting with a former partner in a professional, workplace setting has nothing to do with cheating.

It is not clandestine, or hidden. It does not involve sexual or emotional involvement. It is during a professional event. The two did not plan the incident between themselves and it wasn't private.

Cheating is not dancing with someone. It is not fantasizing about an ex, or calling them on the phone or messaging them.

Cheating is a planned, extended, clandestine emotional and physical involvement that exists to the detriment of the cheater's regular SO relationship. It has nothing to do with corporate-sponsored workplace meetings or conferences, despite someone's ex being there.

[Guido]

If it's done behind your partners back then it's cheating. A number of years ago I met up with an ex that I dated just before starting to date my ex. She was going to be in the neighboring town where I worked. I told my wife and she said go meet her and see what she is doing.

I met up with her for a 1/2 hr coffee and all it did was remind me that she was still self absorbed and only interested in herself. The sex with her had been some if the best I ever had but could never be enough to put up with her personality. Thankfully it was a short meeting as I could not stand listening to her babble about herself. After 20 years, she had not changed one bit. My wife just laughed when I told her how it went.

Also a number of years ago, we travelled to where my wife grew up and her closest friend had planned a reunion of a group that they were all part of over 30 years earlier. One if the guys there was an ex boyfriend of my wife's. He was a nice guy and ended up partying with us until 3am.

It all depends on the circumstances and if you are totally honest with your partner. We have been together over 30 years, have total trust and no jealousy at all.

[sawno]

If your partner knows about it and is fine with it then sure. Plenty of reasons why you'd meet an ex. Perhaps your partner has children with the ex, and they are meeting to address something with the children. Perhaps they are co-workers and need to meet for work reasons. Perhaps they are still within the circle of friends and you all get along, etc.

But when its you making advances to get your ex back or you are purposefully hiding it from your partner then thats a problem and its cheating.

[Asker]

Yeah, my boyfriend wanted to hire his ex for a project but if that were the case then why not tell me upfront about it

[sawno]

I'd definitely talk it trough with my girl first since I know even in that scenario she'd be uncomfortable. Not mentioning it doesn't even cross my mind.

[Asker]

That’s definitely the way to go about it!

[brightpapaya]

It's really weird that he hasn't been upfront about it :/

[7Phoenix7]

If you don't trust him, then that is the problem. If you trust him and know him well, you don't have to worry about him cheating or doing weird things behind your back. I hope you shared your concerns with him about it.

[Asker]

I have, we’re working on it. Thank you!

[Paris13]

Depends. I Live with an Ex Who is Family and All of My Other Exes---Knew It. xoo

[JacobJordan]

Firstly If they hide it, aren't very open, meet up privately it is cheating. Secondly they are an ex for a reason. The only benefit to being friends with an ex is the possibility to get back with that person. Thirdly. To be clear an ex wife with kids is different as you HAVE to see then because you have kids together.

[Asker]

Couldn’t agree more!

[CozyCoffin]

If the conversations leading up to and the meet ups with an ex involve flirting, romantic advances, or a desire to rekindle the romantic relationship, it can be seen as a form of cheating. These actions show a lack of respect, love, loyalty and commitment to the current partner. In addition, having any intent to lie or omit such a meeting, even if completely innocent, is the same thing.

[Asker]

Yeah the lack of transparency is what bothers me most, not the meeting itself tbh

[integrale77]

I've met with my ex-wife and my fiancé had no issues.
We met as friends catching up. My ex did start asking silly things like asking to stay over so I stopped talking with her.

But none of it was cheating we didn't get intimate at all.

[integrale77]

In response to your update meeting up in secret is suspicious but only really cheating if it oversteps the line between platonic and more than friends. You need to have that discussion with your partner to really know where that line is.

But the reality is if your asking yourself is this cheating then it probably is, especially if you're having to explain your actions away to justify them.

[Asker]

If there was still friendship then I’d also consider it as not cheating, glad you still managed to create healthy boundaries tho!

[Miristheiss]

It depends but for me, if I am committed to you and you are my girl, there are no exes in the picture. If you want to go meet up with your ex then I will just move on to someone else with better boundaries.

[Asker]

I wish more guys have your mindset

[IslaTheWitch]

Cheating is when you cheat. When you go to bed, kiss, touch, or catch feelings... but ffs meeting? Really?

[Asker]

I’m only asking because my boyfriend did it behind my back which got me questioning his motives behind the meet up. Plus his ex was taking pics and posted it online, if it was professional why be so secretive?

[IslaTheWitch]

shouldn't you ask HIM? Describe your emotions and ask him, what he thinks about it? no accusation or blaming. Just a conversation?

[Asker]

He said it’s not cheating bcs it was strictly professional but he admitted that it was still wrong. So I guess he knows that he was crossing some boundaries

[Katebfun]

Yes. Because you were once intimate with this person and that attraction will always remain. Even though a casual meeting seems like nothing it's certainly the gateway to cheating.

[Asker]

I agree that it’s definitely at least a gateway, I know he’ll be pissed if he found out that I was meeting up with my ex. He got super pissed when he saw I still had some photos of my ex on phone…

[Joshydavid25]

No, only if it was specifically for the result of some "close up" action, but if it's strictly platonic or even having kids not at all.. But that's not the question you should be asking..

[Asker]

What question should I be asking then?

[Joshydavid25]

Why is h meeting up with his ex in the first place, or how come she isn't your friend as well?

[Asker]

It’s for work (according to my boyfriend) and she hates me lol She’s not over him and she has been contacting my boyfriend trying to get him to respond, I never even met her but she has me blocked. My boyfriend has a new project in the works and was gonna hire his ex (it’s her specialty) but I wish he’d be upfront about it with me

[Joshydavid25]

Aw yeah that's not right.. He should have let you know.. Especially since she's not over him.. Unless he really needed her, he could have hired somebody else for the project..

[Asker]

She’s really good at her job tho, and my boyfriend told me that he knows she’ll cut him a really good deal bcs his company is on a tight budget, that’s why he went with her but it’s at the expense of my trust 🥲 so not sure if the $$$ he saved is worth it lol

[Joshydavid25]

Yeah, I guess it's understandable if she's really good at her job and can cut him a deal.. He did what he had to do, but I hope y'all communicated about it well enough at least..

[ProbablyClueless]

Not cheating, per se, but it's shady as hell to do it behind your partner's back and I could totally understand someone thinking that kind of behavior was a breach of trust.

[Asker]

Yeah definitely, the fact that he had to hide it is what bothers me

[exitseven]

If there is nothing physical it is not cheating. The problem is that these things have a way of getting out of control.

[Asker]

Yep for sure. I had to cut it short to prevent any further trouble

[Elpeu]

If the partner is okay with it. I don't think it's cheating. However if the partner knows and doesn't feel okay with it, then still meeting that ex is suspicious. Because your partners comfort is more valuable than meeting with an ex.

[Asker]

True that!

[HighValue]

Any contact with an ex is unacceptable. I'd leave the person over it.

[Asker]

Definitely shady, they’re an ex for a reason

[boggboss]

Depends did u tried to hide it or not inform your partner about it

[Asker]

Yep he did, even though it was strictly for work

[boggboss]

Then yeah I would class that as cheating if it's complety harmless and for work what's the issue

[Asker]

Exactly, I was wondering the same thing… why be secretive if the intentions are pure

[zeitgeist057]

"why be secretive if the intentions are pure" : because even if your intentions are pure, you can still be afraid of your partner flipping out about it. That comes down to a trust issue with your partner. Which if you are the partner, which it sounds like, it seems like you don't fully trust him and he doesn't fully trust you.

[boggboss]

Don't hiding it to then be caught out makes it look 10x worst because not only did somthing happen that if true your partner wouldn't have liked but you also tried to hide it which can look shadey in the first place

[zeitgeist057]

that said, I had a girlfriend in college who was a virgin when I met her. After she lost her virginity to me, we were passing through her old town one day and stopped for lunch. She asked if it was okay if her ex stopped by to say hi, I said sure no problem. So I met him, he said hi, we ate lunch. About two weeks later she decided to break up with me and get back together with him. I think it was that she had a long history with him of not having sex but really wanting to, so she wanted to get back together with him to finally bang. But that's a totally different situation.

[zeitgeist057]

@boggboss true but people often make "fear based" decisions or those that avoid conflict. To be honest in this situation requires direct communication and conflict resolution. From the description, it sounds like there is a lot of conflict avoidance in the relationship and lack of direct communication.

[boggboss]

Vary true can't argue with that

[Asker]

@zeitgeist057 That makes sense but the thing is we have openly communicated about our exes and have both agreed to be transparent about contacting/meeting up with our exes if it were to happen. Granted I won’t be happy about him meeting up with his ex even though it was for work bcs she’s not over him and my boyfriend knows that, but you’re right. I think my boyfriend was scared that I’d flip out and get mad at him lol still… the fact that he hid it and went for it behind my back made it so much worse.

[zeitgeist057]

ok so it sounds like you are confirming his fear and prediction you'd be mad was a valid concern for him. He made the fear-based choice to try to avoid the confrontation and hide it from you, but it backfired and he got the worse version. This is pretty textbook, so many people do this "better to ask forgiveness than permission" approach (that there is a cliche about it, lol)

[Asker]

@zeitgeist057 yeah lol even though I didn’t actually flip out when I found out, we talked about it calmly but it did broke my trust in him. He thought I would never found out and even admitted that he planned to hide it from me bcs it was only for one project, but the truth always come out one way or another lol

[zeitgeist057]

well that's good and it's also good that the truth comes out, at the very least having that honesty is important. I've cheated on two women in my life and both times I could have kept it a secret forever but I personally couldn't be in a relationship with someone and be dishonest with them. The first time we were "on a break' but I still felt like we were together so I told her, the second time was a different partner and it was for the best because I had asked her from the beginning that I wanted an open relationship but she was always putting it off saying she thought it was a good idea, but just not yet. But my point is that as long as you are honest it will work out, it's those that lie and keep the lies hidden that poison in a way that cannot be recovered.

[Asker]

@zeitgeist057 good on you for coming clean about having cheated, most people don’t have the balls to do that!

Yeah I’m also glad that my boyfriend was honest about his answers when I confronted him about it, that definitely helped me regain his trust in him a little bit.

[zeitgeist057]

for me, a relationship where I'm not open and honest, there's no point to it. I'm in it for the intimacy, which can't happen unless we are vulnerable and genuine.

[Asker]

@zeitgeist057 couldn’t agree more!

[worldscolide]

Its not cheating.. But from my own point of view. There is literally no chance that i would ever meet with an ex without my wife being there.

[Asker]

You’re awesome for that

[Drumlin2001]

Not cheating. But hiding it isn't the best idea just because of how it looks

[Asker]

I agree. I just am pissed about the fact that he had to hide it

[Anonymous]

That is like me saying, me simply meeting up with an old boss, is me quitting my job and going back to my old one. Cheating means you have done something to betray your monogamous relationship by way of having a physical or deeply emotional relationship or encounter with that person. If you went over to meet your ex with the intention that you wanted something or hoped something would happen with them---you're on the way to cheating but until you act on it, doesn't hold up in court.

[Asker]

Perfect analogy!

[JHAYES317]

Not technically no, but unless you could prove that it was 100% platonic, your guy might assume you were.

[Asker]

My boyfriend met up with his ex and said it was 100% work related buttt my boyfriend and I also know that his ex wasn’t over him. She ended up secretly taking pictures of him and posted it online which made it seem like it wasn’t professional in her eyes at least

[Todd9612]

I don’t think it’s cheating, but it is inappropriate to meet with ex, without your spouse present.

[Asker]

Yeah pretty disrespectful

[RedInnocent68]

I must have a high threshold/tolerance. Transparency is a factor though.

[Asker]

Yeah I have a pretty high tolerance myself as long as he’s being transparent but he wasn’t so…

[Zestyassmf1997]

“It was purely platonic” sounds like some excuse you’d cook up after your boyfriend found out.

[Asker]

More like I’m the one that found out that he was meeting up with his ex lol

[Zestyassmf1997]

Yeah, lol. The fact that you found out, as opposed to him telling you, should say something about this excuse.

[Asker]

Yeah super shady… but he did come clean and was fully honest with me when I confronted him, even went as far as showing me the texts between him and his ex so 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Zestyassmf1997]

So he came clean…after you already found out.

[Asker]

Yeah he only came clean after I confronted him lol… he admitted that he planned on hiding it from me bcs he doesn’t want me to get mad at him

[Zestyassmf1997]

Yeah, this dude is a snake.