Why is he choosing toxic but comfort over a deeper connection?

[roseyynh]

Me and this guy met 2 years ago. Both in toxic relationships where we werent getting our needs met. Feelings grew between us, he left his relationship thinking I would leave mine bc we were having issues. I said no I have to see it through with so we stayed friends. 6 months later I break up with my boyfriend but he's getting back with his ex, we stayed friends becoming closer. They have problems and hell come to me to vent saying she dsnt show him love care or attention and he dsnt trust her they fight all the time and neither of them are happy, I told him to see it through and work on the problems they become good again but then it goes bad again, so he's calling me up saying he thinks theyre not going to make it I talk him through it and a week later she ends it with him. Me and him talk about everything and the feelings came out between us now that were both single and we start dating some issues arose bc he wanted to keep acting the same way he did with his ex, they had no boundaries, both flirt with everyone and didn't even look like they were together majority of the time. I told him thts not realistic You can't have a healthy relationship with someone but go around flirting excusing it by saying “I’m going home with you not them so it shldnt matter” he saw me asking him to tone it down as controlling, I told him I’m not asking him to stop talking to the opposite sex but to respect my boundaries of being too friendly. We take a pause bc we realize how fast we jumped into everything and he needed time to be single before getting into another commitment. his ex comes back around telling him she misses him, he starts to miss her too, I felt he was trying to keep us both in his pocket having his cake and eating it too. I didn’t agree so I told her about us bc I felt we both deserved the truth. She told him to block me and he did. I don’t understand why he would choose the toxic relationship over what we had? We were best friends and now it’s all thrown away

[Anonymous]

He loved her before he started developing feelings for you. You encouraged him to stay and see things through and work on the problems, despite knowing it’s a toxic relationship. You pretty much rejected him. He did what you told him to do, and got back with his ex. And he got back with her again when she started to miss him. The mistake was when you rejected him when he was in a position to become devoted to you.

[laly520]

unhealed trauma response

those tend to seek comfort in the toxic places they got used to

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the classic case of choosing comfort over connection, like opting for a sweet but unhealthy dessert instead of a nourishing meal. It's all about the familiar versus the challenging. You two had the foundation for something beautiful, but when push came to shove, he retreated to what he knew, even if it was toxic. It's a common human behavior to stick with the devil you know. The toxicity has become his comfort zone. It requires less immediate effort than diving into the depths of a new, healthier relationship. Your situation with him also highlights a classic lovebombing move, escalating quickly and intensely, only to hit a wall when reality sets in. You were his anchor during storms, but he wasn't ready to sail into calmer seas with you. You offered him something real and stable, pushing him out of his comfort zone and unfortunately, he wasn't ready for that leap. Consider this a red flag dodged. Your worth isn't measured by his inability to choose healthier options. Keep shining and moving forward, love awaits where mutual respect and boundaries are valued.🌟

[jahaims]

Trauma response

[JayBones2469]

Just reading a couple sentences gave me cancer