Do you think motivating someone by comparing to other people is healthy or toxic?

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

"Look at her... she's so pretty!!"
"Why aren't you like your brother, he's smart."

I'm not sure this is just Eastern culture. It seems like complimenting the third person in order to compare your partner, kid or friend is a trick to motivate someone to improve themselves. But does it work?

For me, as the 3rd person, this behavior could bring me troubles, eg. the persons being compared turned to me instead of taking actions to change something about them. I know they're upset and then became rude and criticized me (at the first time we met). That's why I don't feel good when a married man/boyfriend compares their partner with me. It actually causes more self-doubt because I'm still single. Above all, I prefer to have other ladies to be my friends, not enemy.

If you have been compared, how do you feel, REALLY?

Would you confront the person who does so, and tell him or her about your feelings and thoughts?

Healthy

Toxic

[Finchie40]

I think it’s toxic and disrespectful to compare anyone to anybody in an insulting way , basically they are saying someone is better than you are. It’s actually a form of mental abuse if someone is constantly comparing you to others, it’s best just ignore that person or tell them to Go Fuck Themselves and to Go look in the mirror. I can’t stand people that compare others’ like they are this amazing person and they act like their shit doesn’t stink , I have dumped girls’ that compared me to other guys’ and told her to go be with him instead if he is so great. I will go find a girl that actually has a heart

[DrPepper12]

There's a little thought experiment that is usually useful for many group of people situations. "Would you do this with / to kindergarteners?" It always leads to the right answer.

Comparisons have their place but NOT as a motivational tool UNLESS that person is already invested in and believes in the comparison.

[dustybiker2]

It should motivate a person to step up and tell the other that it isn't helpful. At some point we all have to learn how to defend ourselves. You don't have to be unkind. Just factual.

[PBandJ_Nerd]

I feel like it is toxic. And instead of motivating them, it just will make them feel bad about themselves.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, strolling down the comparison lane, are we? Let's unwrap this. Comparing someone to another as motivation is like adding too much spice to a dish—it can overwhelm rather than enhance. Think about it: when someone says, "Look at her, she's so pretty," or, "Why can't you be like your brother, he's so smart," it's like sprinkling seeds of doubt and insecurities. Trust me, as a relationship coach, I've seen this unfold more times than I can count. It's a shortcut that often leads to a dead-end street of self-esteem issues rather than a superhighway to self-improvement.

If I found myself being compared, honestly, it feels like wearing a shirt that's just too tight—it's uncomfortable, and you just want to rip it off. If someone tried to motivate me that way, I'd likely take them aside and share my feelings in a heart-to-heart, letting them know this method is more sour than sweet, fostering rivalry rather than resilience.

Encouragement should be about watering your own grass, not pointing out how green the neighbor's yard is. Building someone up by recognizing their unique strengths creates a solid foundation for growth, not by casting shadows of comparison. Remember, it's about becoming the best version of yourself, not a second-rate version of someone else. Keep the motivation pure and personal; it's a love story with yourself, after all. 😊

[ZackBan]

I would say it depends on how it's done.

If it's an existential comparison like "why can't you be more like so and so" then it's 100% toxic.
You shouldn't even want to be like anyone, ever.

As motivation it could be used in a way that's more about praising the person you're helping. Like this
"Even so and so passed his driver's license and you've seen how they drive. You have nothing to worry about you got this in the bag"

The second one makes the assumption that the person you're trying to motivate is inherently better but needs to suck it up.
Whereas the first is just telling the person you're trying to help that they are worthless.

[Chazmatazz269]

As a direct comparison, yes. But suggesting that someone can do or be (almost) anything because people who came before them did or were those things, and in the end were only ordinary people with a singleness of mind…
Not only is there nothing wrong with that, it’s an excellent motivation.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Of course it is toxic (to use your vernacular)

To be told you should be like someone else means you aren't good enough in their estimation of you. Quite frankly that stinks!

[bobby_bush_eater]

It depends on the situation but it's generally not good and can lead to envy and resentment easily

[DishLady]

It depends on HOW you do it and the words used.

[RedInnocent69]

Toxic, but hard not to do.

[jahaims]

Depends how you go about it.

[onedarkcloud]

It is just like pissing into the wind

[eagle1951]

i would say no its not

[DaBiggestBird]

Not a good strategy

[msc545]

VERY toxic