Is the past of the person who will be your lover important to you?

Question

osmanthus · Accepted Answer

'Lover' Hmm... a fair stoop down from 'Husband' versus 'Bestie'. By 'stoop down' I mean a person who wouldn't receive the equivalent of time and attention a Husband would—not so much in personal quality or trait comparisons. A person can live with their spouse and see that spouse for most of every day but a Lover can imply many situations; an extramarital affair, maybe, though this doesn't have to be the case.

Lover is more so a footloose word for a person who either can't or won't be able to commit more effort in time and energy to cultivating the relationship in its highs and lows and or perhaps might not have a certain skillset or cognitive or other capability to make for a domestic companion, so, likely there would be seemingly less arguments over the same amount of time spent having both a Husband versus a Lover; this in no way suggests that either one loves the person less or more, just that the arrangements are different.

There can be potential problems with any relationship whenever someone does not have a clear view of someone's past, such as, whomsoever they have 'beef with' whether they know it or not 'taking it out on whomsoever' the person is close to—a generic example that can be applied in any type love situation between friends, family, etc. Any debts going into a marriage and coming out of one would also be concerning as well as any offspring as the courts may acknowledge this and derail any future retirement or other plans between a potential marriage partner.

If this is not a person whom you would marry for whatever reason, then inheritance issues and extended family issues wouldn't likely be something to think hard about.

To me, it is important to know certain things, such as health status, as in whether or not the person is getting checked for STDs, regular immunizations, taking certain medications, cognitive and emotional issues, etc. if physical intimacy were to be a part of the relationship and I am to spend time with them; they don't need to be perfect and the number of partners probably wouldn't bother me but I ought to see how the person has demonstrated social responsibility, if, say, they accidentally impregnated someone or after a divorce whether such person was civil enough toward an ex marriage partner. And to account for under what circumstances it occured and how this might affect future plans and interactions with said ex marriage partner and what kids they have, if any, that have to be raised to decency, so, having disclosure of marital status and offspring is important. It may be important to elaborate on what the person does for work, as well, in the event certain issues crop up about why certain financial decisions are to be made.

I strongly prefer a bachelor (man who has never been married nor had kids) as a Husband, because he will be able to open up time to commit.

This doesn't discount the possibility of people having an open marriage or other even when society might prefer not to entertain the idea.

In all likelihood a Lover or Boyfriend isn't likely to be able or willing to do all that and, if you're okay with that, then it's safe to say that Lover almost maybe little distinction from a Husband to me aside from the commitment need in time and energy with the exception that a Husband generally is the one a woman would seek to know best and usually ought to and vise versa without too much interference from all others. Add to the fact that a Husband/Wife is usually the one the woman/man has her/his legitimate children by. There are exceptions to LGBTQ2S+ relationships but overall it's what you make it.

Nikki1989 · Accepted Answer

My hubby and I will be married for 10 years this August, and we have never discussed our past apart from interests and hobbies. The past is the past.

HawkPerception · Accepted Answer

It definitely does. If a girl has slept with even 20 guys, then there was a point in their life that they hoed around a bit. I'm not gonna be the guy that settles for the village bicycle.

Same thing with OnlyFans girls or pornstars. Why would I bother being with a girl that has probably slept with 190 guys a year. Guys are visual and competitive by nature. We don't want to imagine the girl we're with having wild animalistic primal sex with a dude that has a thick 12 inch dick. We don't want to live in the shadow of other guys.

I look for a similar amount of sexual experience as that seems to be the least toxic. I know there are not a lot of girls that have only have 3 partners like I have at my age, but I'm looking for something around that level.

Main thing is, the more a girl sleeps around the less her dating market value becomes. Women can argue against that all they want, but it's a fact that won't change.

sawno · Accepted Answer

I care about who she is in the present.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

The intrigue of someone's past is like the back cover of a romance novel; you want to know if you're diving into an epic love story or a thriller with twists. 😉 Now, I don't need a picture to tell you that the past matters, but it's not the whole story. It's about understanding, compassion, and seeing how those previous chapters have shaped the person standing before you today. Let those old tales be a conversation opener, not a deal-breaker. Dive into their story with an open heart, and who knows? You might just find yourself becoming a crucial part of their next chapter! Remember, love, it's all about growing together and creating new memories. 🌟

OlderAndWiser · Answer

The single most reliable predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

RebelinSteel · Answer

Nope not at all, the only time it would be is if it impacts the relationship, she’s on the run from robbing banks etc. Anything that has a direct impact on the relationship then yeah it should be talked about, things like past partners etc, I don’t really care.

AaronKrieger · Answer

It does to some extent, but more in the sense of:

- If they were promiscuous, then why, how many, with who, and how long ago it was. Also, I need to know where they are now

- How experienced they are at relationships. I don't want to date someone who hasn't been in one before, since there are important lessons you get from them.

CaptainOverthink · Answer

Primarily to the point that the past has shaped us. Life in retrospect is a great teacher and in that perspective I can understand and have extensive oversight of past sins. Especially if equally as great progress has been made.

Other than that it's nice and entrusting to see their greater context and knowing they feel safe sharing. But ofc, not everything is shared and need not be. We all have our secrets and that is okay.

BonzoInBitburg · Answer

It matters. If you want a long term relationship and don't have a history of short term relationships, you shouldn't be with someone has a history of short term relationships because your values don't align. You are who you are and who you are is defined by what you've done.

DarkLegacy · Answer

Very important! For instance i do not want to be with a woman who has fucked around with a load of bad guy types calling it 'her having fun' when she is younger, and then deciding to settle down with me when she has hit the wall.

I also do not want a woman with baggage either.

MicahRaine · Answer

Mildly? If they were prone to a certain kind of mistake but have proven over time 6 months that they have changed, we're all good if they dont mind some mutual accountability.

If you mean "they slept with their previous SO" like THAT kind of past, I have absolutely no issue with that unless it wasn't a serious relationship.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

It literally should be. The best predictor of the future... is that passed.  This too will cum and the next one will cum too... but they get tattoos of "this too will pass."

12karen · Answer

Mmmh, no. What is happening between me and my lover is in the future, not the in past, I don't want us to stay stuck in the past, no one is perfect and bringing back the past would only hurt us both

So it's better to leave the past in the past and look forward to the future so that we can both be the best version of ourselves..

ICanSmellTheCosmos · Answer

Very much so. Every time I've dealt with a woman who had a particular history, the trauma, regret, anger, etc. *always* found its way onto me. Like, lady, I'm sorry that bad stuff happened to you, but I won't be punished for something that I didn't do.

And often the past returns for a visit, especially if s/he is the one who "got away".

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Yes it's very important to me but isn't the sole determining factor for if I want to date them or not. Like I really prefer low body counts but I defo been attracted to guys with higher ones, if they are actually interested in settling down.

DishLady · Answer

Kind of. You want to know enough they you’re not caught up in a bad cycle of any kind (or hampered by the person’s emotional baggage) but not SO much that you’re wondering where your lover learned every single one of his/her tricks/moves.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

Of course, I prefer not to mingle with your neighborhood serial killer, criminal, drug addict, cheat, ... The usual red flags Anyone should avoid, really.

clampfan101 · Answer

People can change over time. What’s important is who they are now and how they will change in our shared future.

_SilentWolf_ · Answer

I paid attention to my past. I have never flirted with men, even by looking at them. I think I have the right to pay attention to the other party's past.

NathanDavis · Answer

well of course... we are also our past...

Miristheiss · Answer

My wife was a virgin. Yes, I would never have committed to a promiscuous woman.

LiamJHayden · Answer

It should be at least in some ways. Did she murder someone? Was she a member of a gang? I don't want her crazy ex showing up.

Anonymous · Answer

the past isn't "just the past" those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it

JacobJordan · Answer

Of course that is why whores and sluts are undesirable as relationship partners

Jennz6 · Answer

No, it doesn’t matter if he can accept my past

Yannae · Answer

Pretty important. Besides an alarming past, medical things could also be important.

Babygirl_S · Answer

Yes I avoid men who have a body count higher than 3

Apple1996 · Answer

Yes very important

Eljay68 · Answer

Not really sometimes a checkered past makes it better lover

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Sure miss ellefia, it depends on the person's past if i choose to be them or not!

MikeyPH85 · Answer

Of course it's important but I wouldn't let it define their/our future!!

wiltingrosepetal · Answer

Yep. History repeats itself

ApplePie409 · Answer

It matters to a point.

sheikalana · Answer

Nope. That's none of your business.

elizamichale1 · Answer

No it shouldn't matter

Anonymous · Answer

Any idea how tall the guy is in the pic?

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

Yep.

TeraGER · Answer

No if its just casual

Pterodon · Answer

Yeah somewhat

ImalwaysrightOK · Answer

Very important. It matters to me.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

No, not particularly important.

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

To a great extent

maj1nall · Answer

It depends on the person

laly520 · Answer

very important

Jersey2 · Answer

No hoes

Staximus · Answer

Absolutely

eagle1951 · Answer

depends

jahaims · Answer

Duh.

Anonymous · Answer

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