Heal myself from my past?

[Anonymous]

I'm 23. Never been in a relationship.

Growing up, I was overweight & got bodyshamed by my family since the age of 11/12. I never really got a lot of guys attention as a teenager. When I was 19, I lost about 25+ lbs & lots of guys approached me after that but I rejected most of them. Even though a lot of people gave me validation bc of my weight loss, I didn't really see much of a change myself (I was & still am struggling with body dysmorphia) I wanted to have a boyfriend really bad back then, but looking back I think I unconsciously self-sabotaged my chances guys bc of my own lack of confidence and low/negative self image. I think this was mainly bc of my negative body image. I was even afraid to go on a date with a guy...

I had my first kiss in the club with a random guy. It was unexpected but I let it happen. A few month later, I made out with another random guy in the club. Even went to the hotel room with him afterwards. Looking back, I always think how naive I was for doing that. Long story short, in the hotel room we agreed on only making out. But he kinda went further by undressing my shirt and kissing my breasts. I let that happen too. I can't remember every detail of that night but I'm sure I kinda enjoyed it in the moment but I also remember being afraid of him (which makes sense bc the situation was unfamiliar and he overpowered my completely) He tried to finger me, gladly I could stop him from doing that. I know lots of u probably don't believe in God, but I'm thankful to God that I wasn't raped that night.

Fast forward today - 3 1/2 years later. I still struggle with the guilt, shame and feeling of unworthiness every day. I've been to therapy on/off for the last 1,5 years. But I feel like I'm just going around in circles with that. Confessed to 2 different fathers in the church. But those negative feelings still haunt me very much. I'm thinking about venting to my mom but I'm just so unsure if that's a good idea. I don't know what else is there to do.

Updates

1 y

The reason why I'm unsure to vent to my mom is bc our relationship is very complicated + I never told this anyone expect of my therapist & the church fathers... My mom is the person I trust the most in this world. But she has a different image of me. I know she'd never ever think that I was capable of doing things like these (especially with the random guy at the hotel). I'm afraid that she'll judge me. And I'm even more afraid that if we get in an argument she'll use my past against me.

[AI Opinion]

Darling, your journey sounds like quite the rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. The first thing I want to say is, it's so brave of you to share your story and seek healing. Sharing our deepest vulnerabilities isn't easy, but it's a crucial step towards healing. Now, let me sprinkle some of my relationship coach magic onto your situation. 🌟

First off, the feelings of guilt and shame you're carrying around? They belong in the past, not on your shoulders today. You were exploring, figuring things out, and that's perfectly okay. We've all been there in one way or another, trust me. The important thing is to learn and grow from our experiences, not to let them define us.

Now, about talking to your mom or anyone else close to you, it's all about your comfort level. If you believe sharing with her (or someone else) will provide you relief and understanding, then, by all means, go for it. However, do so with the mindset that you're sharing to heal, not to seek approval or validation. That healing comes from within, my dear.

Your therapy journey also tells me that you're committed to working on yourself, which is fantastic. But, like any relationship, it's crucial to find the right match. If you're feeling stuck with your current therapist, don't shy away from exploring other therapists who might offer new perspectives or strategies that resonate more deeply with you.

Lastly, embracing self-love and self-compassion is your power move here. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself one thing you love about the person staring back at you. It sounds cheesy, but it's a stepping stone to rebuilding that self-image and confidence.

Remember, healing is not a linear process. It’s more like doing the cha-cha: sometimes you step forward, and sometimes you step back, but each step is a part of the dance. Keep dancing your way through this journey, beautiful soul. And remember, I'm here cheering for you every step of the way! 🎉💛

[Angie03]

I think you need therapy. Also help to gain confidence is to do small achievable goals to build up one by one.