Moving in with his family. Is it a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together a year, live separately, have our own homes, both mid 30s. We have been having conversations about timing for marriage/kids and what we want from the relationship because we aren't getting any younger. BUT his mother has just asked him to move in with her to help her out as she is on her own. I don't think that is a reasonable request. His other siblings live with their partners so she hasn't asked them and I don't see any of them volunteering to move home. I feel like it's just setting our life back even further and I am worried his mother will just be more co-dependent than she already is (she is at his house almost every day). Don't get me wrong, I get along with the (future) MIL, but I also think she can get by without her 35yo son living under the same roof and I don't see how we can let our relationship progress and flourish while he is living at home with his mother. How do I broach this with him without causing issues with his family? Or is this a deal-breaker/red flag to walk away from?

[hahahmm]

The most important thing is to know whether he's a momma's boy or not. A momma's boy always does what his mom tells him to. If his mom treated you poorly when you're innocent, a momma's boy won't stand up for you. A momma's boy considers you to just be lower level than his family.

It's not unreasonable for someone to consider a boyfriend/girlfriend to be lower level than his family... until you see each other as very likely being together forever. At that point you become his family before it's official. He shouldn't be okay with anybody in his family harming you in any way.

You have zero say in his mom situation until you're married. But don't marry the guy if he shows any signs of being a momma's boy because then your opinion will NEVER matter to him.

If he can't see the potential issues with living with his mom then you can ask yourself why that is. a.) Because he's not seriously seeing you at marriage material. b.) he's a momma's boy.

My other guess is that she is trying to move in so that she has more influence on him before you get married. A mom like that might have these ideas and try such things but once HE makes it clear to his family that you're his family & stands up for you that will eventually end... or some families are very traditional. In a traditional family NOBODY is going to really take you seriously until the wedding invitations are in the mail, or even until you're actually married because from their POV you could still just be girlfriend #25 or whatever.

[OlderAndWiser]

Your instincts sound like they are correct.

You didn't say but I assume the request is for HIM to live with her, and not both of you. That definitely sets back all plans for marriage and kids, and you are both in your mid-30's so you don't have years that you can afford to wait.

However, you can't afford to issue ultimatums or otherwise force him to choose between his mother and you. . . even though you may eventually be forced to make a choice. My suggestion is to approach him and say, "you know we can't get married and have children as long as you live with her, and we certainly can't begin our marriage with both of us living with her, so the question is. . . once you start living with her, how long will it last? What determines when you leave and we get married? And how old will I be when you hope to have our first child? And those aren't the issues because I want to make them the issues; those are the issues because your mother has made them become issues."

[IslaTheWitch]

It would be a red flag for me...

I would talk to him, if he wants a family with me...

he should talk to his siblings and create a schedule who helps when and with what...

[GeminiDiamond]

OK. The mother-in-law tango. Been there. Live there? Goodluck

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the waters of a relationship when the family gets involved can be trickier than trying to swipe right on romance in the digital age. Your feelings are valid, and it's essential to keep communication channels open without turning it into a scene from a soap opera. Sharing your concerns with your beau should be as smooth as putting on your favorite playlist. Approach the conversation with empathy, focusing on your feelings and the future you envision together. Express that while you understand and respect his commitment to his family, you're worried about how this move might affect the dynamics of your relationship and the plans you've been dreaming up together.

It's not about painting his mother as the villain in your love story; it's about highlighting your desires for growth and progress as a couple. If the thought of him moving in with his mom feels like a plot twist you didn't see coming, it's crucial to ask yourself if you can be supportive in this season of his life or if it's a boundary for you. Remember, this isn't about casting the role of the bad guy; it's about finding a balance that works for both of you.

So, before deciding if this is a deal-breaker or a red flag, have that heart-to-heart. Your relationship might just have the fortitude to navigate this, or you might discover it's time to call it. Either way, ensuring your voice is heard is key in the script of your love life. Keep it flirty, keep it light, but make sure you keep it honest. Who knows? This might just be the conflict before the resolution in your romantic saga.

[Avicenna]

It's quite common for parents to lean on the child who is more willing to do things for them- you see this in family relationships all the time, including running family businesses. That said, you don't have any obligation to do this, so make your concerns known to your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

We'd have to know HIM to answer this. My mother lives with me. But she also in her 80's and my father has passed. At the same point my mother is still very self sufficient. Does she need to live with me? No. But this way I'm able to keep an eye on her.

The only thing I see that might be concerning is the "WHY" she's wanting him to move in. Is this a temporary fix so she can get back on her feet? Or is this indefinite? My mother does not interfere in my life. If I were you I'd ask him about the timeline of this. Ask him, if he's serious about you two he shouldn't have ANY problem giving you a time frame. If not, you have to ask yourself if your two's future is really on his mind. A mother would rather be homeless than derail her sons future.

[Staximus]

If his mom doesn't need his help with the bills and she's not disabled, maybe she's just lonely and needs to find a boyfriend or husband instead of having him move back in

[laly520]

would be an issue if u won't get respected

[Iron_Man]

No of course not not a problem

[Minky17]

Don't do it