Boyfriend did drugs and he promised he wouldn’t?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend a couple months ago did cocaine (he’s an alcoholic and used to do drugs all the time). After I said I’d leave him he cried and said he would never do it again. A mutual friend told me he just did it last week, but that he felt really bad. He’s lied about other things too.
I shouldn’t look back or feel bad right? I should break up right? He won’t change. He didn’t do it for 6 months but could have lied.

[Anonymous]

You threatening to leave isn’t going to work. He has a problem. That’s kind of a shitty thing to do, use his love for you against him by threatening to leave cause he has an addiction. His addiction isn’t about his love for you. You’re trying to use that against him. Maybe he should leave you. Regardless he needs to get help.

[Asker]

He isn’t getting help though. He went to an aa meeting and didn’t like it. I’ve begged him to get help for drinking after he got angry and trashed his place in front of me. He isn’t getting help, lost his job, I’ve been the one applying for him while he drinks.

[Asker]

Would it be better if I ask if he’ll get help finally and if he says no, then leave? I know he loves me and I love him, but this is killing me.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok that would have been some relevant information in your situation. If he didn’t go to AA then yes I think you should leave. I’m not sure why you even threatened him to leave, you should have just left.

[Asker]

When he told me he did it I had a breakdown and cried and actually said I’m done that I can’t handle it and he said that he’d never do it again. I told him the only thing I didn’t want him to do was that and he started yelling telling me to leave then and that he’ll go do it. He doesn’t want to admit it. I get he feels bad. There’s a lot more to it all that’s happened especially when he drinks too much. He says he drinks because he misses me but he told his friends once I’m finally gone that he can drink. I don’t know which is the truth

[Opinion Owner]

A big part of him probably does care about
You. But like a lot of men, we say stupid things like that around our boys to act as if we’re in charge. Like we ain’t no bitch I do what I want to do. Sounds like he’s trying to be cool in front of them. But I think you should move on.

[Asker]

So I went to see him because he told me his two friends were there (they do drugs) and they were all drinking and the two were up all night partying. Then 3 guys came and they were doing drugs outside in the truck. Then they wanted to go to a hill and have a fire. I went with my boyfriend to see he doesn’t do anything. He starts driving 150 on a 60 I said I want to go back home he goes down a steep hill and I was so scared and screaming. We got back to his place and we talked a bit but he was drunk. I told him I’d go to AA with him. I begged him to want better. He said he had a bad childhood and life and wants to die that I can leave him and find better. I’ll talk to him today when he’s sober and see what he says. He said he hangs out with those people because he’s lonely.

[Opinion Owner]

You need to walk. There’s a chance you’re going to end up dead. So he had a bad childhood, a lot of people have. He’s always going to use that as his crutch to act the way he does. Move on. I don’t even see why you’d still consider talking to him when he was driving that fast. Sounds like he was drinking and driving yes?

[Asker]

Yes he was. I asked him if he loves me and he would go faster. Going down that hill I thought I was going to die. By the time I got there he already drank at least 12 cans of the 5% drinks, he drinks it like it’s water. He has health issues from everything and he’s only 28. I was so rattled and still am, I haven’t been eating from being upset. I asked him yesterday what kind of life does he want because he was telling his friends (mutual friend told me this) how his boys miss him and how I ruin his buzz. After I asked him what he wants in life he asks if I came for closure and that I’m starting a fight and he gets upset. Then he tells me that until I move in with him he has no reason to not hang out with friends because he’s lonely.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sorry to hear that. But you need to move on. This is just a sign of what your life is going to be w him. I understand you care for him. I think we all have someone in our life we care for that’s in the wrong path but ultimately it’s up to them to want to change. You can’t do much but try to be supportive. Which can be exhausting. You’re young still, you don’t need to put yourself through something like this. Sounds like he doesn’t even want to change for his sons. If he won’t change for them chances are he’s not going to change for you.

[Asker]

You’re right it’s time. I tried. He doesn’t have kids. He calls his friends who do drugs the boys. Tonight I asked him why did he do cocaine and he said how he missed his family member and wanted to spend time with him and how he loves that family member. He started yelling and breaking things and I actually got scared. Then he said how it’s because he asked me months ago to move in with him and that’s why he did it because he’s hurt. He said if I moved in with my daughter how then he wouldn’t do those things and for now he has no reason to be sober. He was drinking today but not too much. We’ve been dating 9 months. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said why should he tell me. Then he said how we’re done and then we made up. I’ll ask him something and he just blows up and then he swears at me and calls me names. I asked him if he’s addicted to it and he said if he was how could he go all those months without it. Before he used to say that he’s a drug addict and once he reaches the one year mark he won’t say he’s a drug addict anymore. He rents a house from his parents and the house needs a lot of work and I told him this and then he got mad. I asked if he’d ever want to get one together and he pretty much said no, how his parents live near him (most of the time he said he hates them and wants them dead), and how his dogs love being in nature. Just weeks ago he used to say how he wants to save up for a house. I don’t get it. Before he said if I moved he’d move with me and now he said no.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes I think it’s time for
You to move on. Sounds as though everything is everyone else is fault but his own. He won’t change even if ou move on. He is an addict. You don’t want to put your daughter in that situation. She doesn’t need to be in a situation like that. I think you can find someone better that’ll treat you much better. Someone who wants what you want. I get having feelings for someone but in the end you have to learn to let them go otherwise they will just drag you down w them. You don’t want that for your daughter either. How old is she may I ask?

[Asker]

She’s 4 and has a disability. Her father isn’t in her life since she was a few months old and I get no support from him for her as he has severe mental health issues.
I was a lot happier before. I was trying to make him happy and want things in life but he seems to not want anything.

[Opinion Owner]

Neither one of them are helpful. I think you need to just concentrate on yourself as well as your daughter. I know it must be challenging at times, but w either one of those two “men” around it’s just going to make things more difficult for you. Do you have support from your family?

[Asker]

Yeah, my family is there for me and I work full time. I also want to start my own side business which I haven’t had any time to focus on from all this drama. I’m saving up for the future and I’m pretty frugal. He knew I had some savings and I was helping him when he didn’t have work, buying food for him while he buys alcohol. He used to say he wanted to get sober and still does, but his actions prove differently. He’ll say there’s nothing wrong with having a few drinks but then drinks almost every day. I guess I was holding on because I thought he wanted to do better. Once when he was drunk he sprayed water in my face, poured alcohol on food I made because it was boxed. It was a lot. I’ll just be nice and end it nicely.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it’s best to just leave. May I ask what happened to your daughter’s father? You’re still very young so you have a lot of time to accomplish a lot of things for yourself, more importantly your daughter. What kind of business are you looking to open?

[Asker]

Her father was very sweet but something happened and he just became a racist and he hated women a few months into pregnancy. He started becoming obsessive with guns and I felt scared. He’d insult me and he moved away for a job a month before I had her. He didn’t come for the birth and saw her maybe 4 times in the next 6 months and then later I found out from his dad that he’s schizophrenic. She has a disability so it might be related. We haven’t spoken for years and I found out from his dad that tried to injure an elderly lady.
I’m actually a bit older than what the account says, I made this account years ago and just never updated. I was thinking a resin craft business, jewelry, coasters, and cutting boards. I used to have an instagram, but I had to deactivate it because of the last person, but I’m thinking of reactivating and using that once I set everything up.

[Opinion Owner]

I see. So have you ever been married? I don’t know what all your past relationships haven been like but so far the Freon you’re taking about seem similar. Not sure why you attract men like that. Hopefully you find someone next time who isn’t like that. I know it’s hard. Especially when you’re genuine about wanting a relationship w someone, you put in all that effort to be your best. I think focusing on your daughter as well as your business would be the best thing to do right now. Well you should always focus on your daughter, but yes start working on your business again.

[Asker]

No, I was never married. My daughter’s father wanted to propose but given his behaviour I told him I couldn’t.
I had one relationship previously to this one and he was a good man, stable, had goals, but was very controlling. Once he cancelled dinner on me because I wasn’t dressed how he wanted and it was freezing outside so I had parts and a sweater. I usually dress conservatively in general.
I really did try with the last relationship. Despite everything he did while drunk I still had hope because he always would say how he wants to do better. Even after he drove drunk and speeding, I was crying and begging him to change. He was drinking the next day. It took me a long time to realize that he wants his life as it is. Even if I did live with him it would be the same. He was telling his friends how he’s hiding his alcohol and that when we live together he’ll drink in secret. He has a problem and he admits it, but won’t get help. It’s sad. I’m much more at peace without him in my life because I don’t have to stress or worry anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

Definitely sounds like you're much better off w out him. I don’t see how he could really contribute to your life. W the way he is you’re better of doing alone. I know again it’s hard but I think w him around it would make it that much harder. May I ask how old you actually are?

[Asker]

I’m actually 35. I was thinking he was serious and wanted to better himself and settle down, but I was wrong. I put up with a lot because I thought he wanted the same things but was struggling with drinking. I am a lot better off without him because it was all just very draining in different ways.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it can be very draining. I’ve been through that myself. But like I said he’s not doing a damn thing to help you so no point in having him around. Well hopefully you’ll meet someone better one of these days. Until than just continue w your business, make things better for your little girl. Financially you don’t get help from her father correct? Maybe I already asked you. But I know what you mean about thinking someone wanted to better themself. Putting in a lot of time to try to help them, again that can be exhausting.

[Asker]

Her father when we were together helped a little, that was when I was struggling most. After he moved he never helped. I went to court to get custody and they said it’s the right of the child to get support. I never pursued the support to see what’s going on with that because he’s not in her life at all and the things he used to say and do, I was afraid of him. Financially wise I’m good now, I have some savings and these past few months I was helping the person I was seeing for whatever he needed as he wasn’t working for the majority of the relationship so I’ll be able to save some more now.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s good that you’re able to save. Plus you have the help of family. Both of them flaking out was more helpful than useful. I hope that things work out for you. It can be hard living these days. If your daughter’s father ever came back because he wanted to be in her life what would you say?

[Asker]

Thank you. Yeah it’s a lot harder now than it used to be, but you do your best.
Her father was smart and he was nice, but then he turned to the alt right, became racist, hated women, he said I wasn’t white enough and how he’d put me in the closet. He would insult my entire family. He said how if we had a child with Down syndrome he’d leave me, how children with disabilities should be aborted. He became very much into guns and his grandfather had to call the police because he said he’d kill himself. He would call me names and say he’d take her from me when she can walk and talk. This is all prior to schizophrenia. Now he says that she was attacked by a police officer and he’s making up things. If he was normal and respectful then I’d love for him to be part of her life, but for him money mattered most. Also he broke into someone’s room where he rented an apartment and attacked her with a knife. So not sure what will happen to him now. I was afraid of him before but now it’s worse so I don’t know.

[Opinion Owner]

Man, he’s got a lot going on. So yea best for him to not be around your daughter. I’m assuming he’ll be locked up for a while. When he said you weren’t white enough what exactly did he mean? That is a lot to deal w. May I ask if you live in the states or a different country? Just wondering because I get your messages in the early mornings I think. So not sure if you’re up late like myself or it’s early where you’re at. Not that important. But yes that is a lot to do w. Certainly wouldn’t want to deal w someone like that myself. Been through it a couple times. Not a fun rollercoaster that’s for sure. You never know what they’re going to be like one minute to the next.

[Asker]

I’m in Ontario, Canada so maybe a time difference. I’m Caucasian European background, but he got it in his mind that I’m not white when I’m actually pretty white and wish I had a tan. Right yeah it’s not fun and if they’re not mentally stable it’s a scary thing. It’s best when people are just honest and upfront about who they are. I’m not sure what will happen to him because the laws here are a bit different.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. Yes laws are different here in the states. Here lately seems like people can get away w whatever they want. Kind of sad. Well hopefully things turn out good for you. You sound like you’ve been doing what you’re supposed to be doing to try to make everything work. But everyone doesn’t do what they’re supposed to do. I wish they did. You ever been to the states? I’ve never been to Canada.

[Asker]

Over here they don’t really go to jail for long even if it’s murder. I suppose it varies case by case as well.
It was hard at first, but now I feel better about everything. I have my own goals and dreams and I know I’ll work hard to accomplish them.
I have some relatives in Florida so we’ve travelled there before. I enjoy sightseeing so one day I hope to travel to BC then Seattle. Canada has a lot of beautiful places to explore, I haven’t travelled outside of Ontario. Where about in the states are you?

[Opinion Owner]

I’ve never travelled to Florida. I don’t feel like it either lol I’m near the west coast. I like Oregon a lot. Colorado is nice as well. Hoping to make it one day to all the states. Maybe even Florida. I think the next trip will be Utah.
Same thing seems to happen here. People commit crimes, they get a slap on the wrist or a few months in jail then they’re back out committing more crimes. I know I used to work at the prisons before doing medical. We’d see a lot of them just coming back in numerous times a year. But that was because they violated their probation on purpose to come back for the summer to have a place to stay if they were homeless. Some would come in cause they had to have a tooth pulled. Violate parole, put in for dental, get it taken care of then leave a few months later.

[Asker]

Okay so there’s about a 3 hour difference then. That’s a very cool goal to travel to all the states. Do you ever buy any kind of mementos from the places you visit? Or take pictures? A family member of mine is currently driving to Florida now. It’s a long trip by car. It’s nice when you make stops and actually get to see the different cities though. Have you ever travelled to Europe?
It’s crazy how the system works. It’s not fair to those who are innocent.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes I take a lot of pics. I usually get shirts. I don’t want too many souvenirs, got too much stuff as it is. I spent about 10 years in the military so yes I’ve been a lot of places through the military as well.
So what time is it there? It’s almost 10 pm here.
No the system isn’t fair in a lot of ways. Criminals benefit from the system. Hardworking people get shafted in a lot of ways.

[Asker]

It was just before midnight, so 2 hour difference.
For sure, it can all add up. I usually get a fridge magnet or a pen/keychain. I’m sure you have some awesome pictures. I like taking pictures too. That’s really cool that you travelled with the military. I’m sure that wasn’t easy, you must be a very dedicated person.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes a lot of pics for sure. I like Oregon a lot, driving up the highway along the ocean. Go there one day. I think you’ll like it. I like watching YouTube videos on traveling, especially these people who do it full-time for a living. Hoping to go to Alaska one day. Maybe in a couple years. There’s just so many places I’d like to see.
So what do you do for fun in Canada? What’s something you’d recommend someone does or sees in Canada if they ever visit? The states, there’s a zillion things. I’m not even sure where I’d start. Well I mentioned Oregon so that’s one place to start.

[Asker]

I’ll definitely add Oregon to my list and search up on it. I watch those videos on YouTube too. It’s a great way to see where to go. Alaska looks beautiful too, lots of different wildlife. Where I am there’s a lot of nature. People go quadding year round, boating, fishing, hiking. I usually go for walks in the park, there are a lot of trails around the city I’m in. Pick blueberries and strawberries the summer. I know there’s a beautiful botanical garden in BC, lake Louise in Alberta, out east (Newfoundland) there’s plenty of lobster and seafood. Ontario has the CN tower, up north there’s the big nickel and science north. Plenty of beaches too.

[Opinion Owner]

I will have to look some of those things up when I wake up. Definitely a lot of places I’d like to see in this world. I know for sure one thing I’d love to do is make it to the army navy football game sometime in my lifetime. Maybe this year who knows. If you could pick one destination to go to on a vacation where would you go? I’m not sure where I’d go. I’d have to think about it.

[Asker]

Well I hope you make it there this year. That would be an amazing experience. A dream of mine is to go to Japan, but I’d also like to go back to Italy and explore. I went to Venice but it was only for a couple hours. I’d like to actually go to Myrtle Beach in the states. There are so many places, it’s hard to choose one.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes there are a lot of places. I’ve been to Okinawa when I was in the service. I liked it. After a few mo the everyone was already wanting to come back to the states. Italy is nice as well. I think it was 2000 when I got to go to midnight mass. A good experience. Thousands of people. Part of it felt like a festival too cause you had venders outside the commons selling things. Lake Tahoe is pretty nice too. There’s too many places to go. I would like to go to Santorini. It looks really nice. But too it looks very crowded so I don’t know. I would like to go Helen, Georgia. Leavenworth, Washington is sort of the same as Helen. I’ve been to Leavenworth. But there’s also a place in Cali that’s similar. I’d like to go to all 3. I like that kind of town.

[Asker]

That’s so cool that you went to Okinawa. Were you able to try different kinds of food? That’s actually what I want to do if o go back to Venice. They had these beautiful crafted masks and I regret not getting one. I was a lot younger back then too so I was just in awe of everything. I just searched Helen, Georgia and the first photo that shows up is beautiful. It looks like such a beautiful place. I’m happy you mentioned it. I will definitely be adding this to my list. Leavenworth too, it looks like there’s so much to do and it’s beautiful there.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes when I was in Oki I tried a lot of different foods. I’m usually good w trying just about most things. I don’t like liver n onions though. Yes I’d like to go back to Italy. I was younger too so foisting off a lot, we drank a lot. But now that I’m older I’d like to actually see the sites. Yes Helen, Georgia looks really nice. So maybe one day if I go back there. I say maybe because I’ve been to Georgia before, so there’s other states that I haven’t been that I’d like to see.

[Asker]

That’s funny that you mention the liver and onion. All of my family loves it except for me. I just can’t do it, it’s combination of the look and smell. It’s always fun exploring new places, might as well make the most of life.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s the taste too lol yes as I’ve gotten older I’ve realize there’s a lot more that I want to see. I have a couple months before I either go to Oregon or Colorado again. I’ve been watching a few videos on YouTube about Colorado that make me want to go back to Colorado. But there’s also things in Oregon that I didn’t get to see last time. So we will see.
How hot is it where you live? We hit 118 the other day. It was a new record lol I think it’s going to be a less extreme today by a degree or two. Maybe it would be good to go up north about an hour away to where it’s cooler. Go swim or something.

[Asker]

I actually searched up some videos on YouTube about Colorado and it looks amazing. I love exploring and sightseeing. Every place has something unique about it and a mountain isn’t just a mountain if that makes sense. Today was sunny and 82, is it’s raining and will be cooler. It doesn’t get too hot temperature wise, when it’s humid though then it’s pretty warm. The max where I am with humidity would be 104. I can’t imagine 118. I think maybe once on a trip to Italy it was really hot. I wish I could swim, that’s one thing I’ve tried but I just sink. Are there lots of beaches/lakes up north from you?

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it does get really hot here. But no real humidity so that makes a big difference.
As for lakes, beaches things like that, yes there’s a lot of lakes w in an hour to two hours drive. The beaches would either be down in Mexico or in Cali which is about a 5-6 hour drive from Arizona.
So you’ve never taken swimming lessons? I like to swim when I can, but it’s been a while. A lot of people go up to Sedona to Slide rock. There’s also a lot of other areas as far as the creek that are nice to swim at. Slide rock is packed usually, touristy. People also go there to hike, ride bikes as well as other activities. Look it up, Sedona, Az.

[Asker]

No, I never took lessons. When I was like 8 I could doggy paddle but now I can’t at all. One time I fell off a dock by accident and couldn’t swim to even save myself. Thankfully it was shallow so once I hit bottom I stood up, but I had no idea how deep it was.
Where I live there are around 300 lakes and a handful of nice beach type areas. I actually would like to explore some this summer, one is called paradise lagoon and it’s said to have clear blue water with catfish, the other is wolf lake.
Slide rock looks really cool! I love the aesthetic of it. The cathedral rock trail looks cool, it mentions there are a few vortexes there too. That would be really neat to experience.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh yes there’s a lot of other things in Sedona too. Expensive to purchase land though. Another place I would like to go is to Havasupai falls here in Az. It’s a 10 miles hike or you can take a helicopter down. There’s 6 falls down there that look amazing. So one of these days I’ll go. Maybe fly. I’m not sure.

[Asker]

How much would land cost there? What’s the cost of housing there? Where I am a house with a decent yard is about 500k cad, but in Toronto it’s crazy. A little shed in downtown goes for 1 mil.
Oh my goodness!!! The waterfalls look amazing. I love waterfalls actually. Went to Iceland and took so many shots of them. It’s definitely worth a trip to go see it.

[Opinion Owner]

Last I looked over a million. Not sure the comparison of Canadian dollars to US. But it is nice.
Yes Havasupai falls is one place I’d like to go. You have to have a reservation though, minimum 3 days that cost about $500 per reservation.
But I’d also like to go to Niagara Falls. I’m thinking I could plan that next year in the spring. I thought about September but that’s right around the corner. I’d need a little more time to plan for that.

[Asker]

Niagara Falls is really nice. You can even take a ride that goes near/under it.
I’m surprised that the reservation for the falls is that much. Do you use instagram?

[Lynx122]

Yes, I think as long as he has you in his life he will think he still has it under control, because drug addicts are delusional. Only after you dump him will he maybe start thinking it's having too much of a negative impact, but even then it might take some more blows for him to wake up. It's better for you if you leave just for your own life and wellbeing.

[Asker]

Yeah I have to. It’s been killing me. While he’s been drinking I’ve been applying for jobs for him. He lost his job and I gave him money last week and he’s drinking it away and won’t even buy his own food.

[Lynx122]

Good luck :)

[Aubrey97]

Forget the drug addiction and whatever. The frequent lying is what will never end even if he gets over the drugs. There's no reason to trust what he says.

[Asker]

Exactly. This hit me so hard just now. I trusted him and I caught him lying before and asked him to never lie but it’s snowballing fast.

[dustybiker2]

You have to hold people to the consequences you set up or they will continue to walk all over you. Respect yourself, you deserve better.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating through the murky waters of love and past habits can be tricky, can't it? Promises in a relationship are like an unspoken bond, and when they're broken, it feels like a trust fall without anyone there to catch you. It's essential to remember that addiction is a fierce beast—hard to tame, and relapse, unfortunately, is a part of that journey. But here's the crunch bit: relationships thrive on trust, communication, and mutual respect. If he's lying and hiding things from you, it's a red flag dancing in the breeze of your love story.

Now, don't get me wrong—I'm all for giving people second chances, but it sounds like your beau is on a repeat playlist of apologies without changing the tune. If you feel you're stuck in a loop and your boundaries and peace of mind are being compromised, then, darling, you might want to consider stepping back. It's not about not feeling bad; it's about prioritizing your well-being and peace. Love shouldn't feel like a constant battlefield, maneuvering through lies and disappointments.

Before making any decisions, have an open and honest conversation with him about how you feel and what you need in this relationship. Remember, you deserve someone who not only promises the moon and stars but also sticks around to watch them with you. Keep your head high and your standards higher! 😉💔

[MisterWack]

Addictions are hard to beat, instead of talking down to your boyfriend be supportive in his struggle and encourage him to better health.

[Asker]

The thing is he lies to me. He lies about hiding alcohol and he was laughing when his friend asked if he was honest to me about cocaine. He lost his job due to drinking, I’m supporting him and giving money and he can’t be honest.

[MisterWack]

If you feel that way just tell him you are cutting him off so, he should find a job to sustain himself.

[Asker]

I’ll ask him if he’ll get professional help. Today he said if I leave him ever he’ll just go to the bar everyday and do cocaine.

[exitseven]

These guys never give it up. It is always something they will go back to. You will always be frustrated and disappointed.

[Asker]

He said if I live with him then he wouldn’t do it but how can I take that chance. How can I expect him to change after. If anything I’d be stuck.

[exitseven]

I stand by my opinion

[slatyb]

No, you shouldn't. You may feel sympathetic, but you cannot build a happy life with a lying addict. You just say "I'm sorry, but I can't live with your addictions."

[dudeinohio]

Yes. Break up addict liars are no good.