My boyfriend says I make him feel small and like he's not good enough?

[Anonymous]

Background information: My boyfriend (33M) and I (29F) have been dating for about a year and a half. We were both previously in long term relationships - his was a 5 year long distance relationship and mine was a 4 year relationship + engagement with 2 kids. Even though my boyfriend was in a 5 year relationship prior, since it was long distance, they were not able to advance their relationship much and never got to the point of moving in together, getting engaged, etc. and they would only see each other every couple of months. Me on the other hand, I lived with my ex fiance, was engaged, and we have 2 kids. My boyfriend has a difficult time with this. He feels that I have already given so much of myself to my last relationships that he is now a "plan b". I also traveled and dined out at a lot of fancy restaurants in my last relationship because my ex made more money and my boyfriend feels incredibly small and down about himself due to this. He will often ask me if I have been to certain restaurants and most of the time, I have already been there with my ex... my boyfriend struggles to plan date nights now in fear that it won't be as extravagant or nice as the dates I went on with my ex. My question is, what should I do in this situation? I tell my boyfriend that he is good enough but he doesn't believe me because he knows I had a much "better" lifestyle previously and was "given more". He recently told me he wanted to plan something special for us and the date idea he chose is actually something my ex had done with me for a past anniversary but my boyfriend is under the impression that I have never done it before... do I tell him the truth or just act like it's my first time? I hate lying...

[Anonymous]

First of all I don’t think he’s intimidated by you. A lot of women say that when it comes to women who make more money or something. He feels emasculated in comparison to your ex. He’s trying to live up to a standard that your ex provided for you that he can’t fulfill. So if you’re honest w him, you have to come straight out. Nothing you can do or really say is going to make him feel inadequate. The reality is he has to up his game. Whether that means going back to school, starting his own business or something to increase his finances dramatically. Men like to be the first for a lot of things in a girl’s life. He wants to give her an experience she’s never had. I’ve been w my girl for 15 years. I’ve taken her to a lot of places she’s never been. Things she’s never done or places she’s never eaten. So she gets excited, happy, looks at me w a lot of admiration. Her hero I guess. But when a girl has been through all that w another man it’s like ok well I can’t impress her w this cause this dude has already taken her here, there, flown her overseas, etc, etc. He doesn’t feel like he’s of use to you. He wants to be your all. To be the one to bring the most to your life experience. As for feeling like he’s a plan B. A lot of men feel like that at times. Because a lot of women go w men who are assholes, jerks, etc. They like the excitement of an unstable relationship, not all but a lot. They like how dangerous he lives. How spontaneous he is. But then they realize that this dude will never change, now we have kids. They don’t want that. So the dude who was a complete jerk got away w everything like cheating, being an asshole. Now a lot of women have kids but a lot of men don’t want them. But now they want a “good man.” It’s like wait a minute I wasn’t good enough for you before you had kids. I treated you great. I would have done everything for you but instead you chose the man who was a douche bag. Now that he left you w kids, all of a sudden I’m good enough for you. But even than men see women who let Chad or Tyrone as they’re called treat her like garbage but she let him hit it w out proving he’s worthy. Now that she’s single w kids, now he has to prove to her that he’s worthy when other dudes got free access. So yes that’s probably how he feels to explain it more. Do you make more than him? More than likely he has to find a way to increase his finances, otherwise this relationship won’t last very long.

[Anonymous]

I guess run with it and don't tell him.. Unless you have to or he asks a direct question.
Frankly he needs to move passed this and stop competing. He's the man for now and your future, right?
All your can do is try to build his confidence. You've done a lot of things, those relationships does for a reason, and none of those things were done with him. Tell him to make it personal and build your future by making memories between you.
You can talk about the future, if course he's a centre to it. You can give him a lot of attention and encourage little things he does for you. Give him little, easy wins. Make him feel like he is central to your life, but a left over. You girls have more power than you think. And don't talk about the past too much. You don't have to lie, just after the narrative a little.

[DishLady]

He finds you intimidating for whatever reason (the ones you've listed sound like bs he's telling you...).

If you want your guy to feel happy and at ease with you, let him do his thing and keep the fact that your ex has done this for you before to yourself. It might turn out differently than you expected and therefore be a completely new experience for you... and a bonding experience with the guy.

Honestly, you sound like you're trying to push this guy away. If you carry your ex's baggage around with you everywhere you won't be able to enjoy what you're supposed to be building with this guy.

[MzAsh]

Don’t lie to stroke his fragile ego. He’s going to have to put the work and time it’s going to take for him to offer value in his own unique way. It will have to start with him accepting the fact that you’re a human being with a past that didn’t revolve around him.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating through the choppy waters of insecurities and comparisons, huh? 😏 Love, this is a classic case of not just a clash of pasts but a battle of self-worth—and it's a sneaky one at that. It's all about perception here, and your boyfriend is viewing your shared experiences through a lens tinted with inadequacy, which, let's be honest, is as helpful as sunglasses at night.

First things first, honesty is your best policy paired with a sprinkle of tact. If he brings up the plan and asks directly if you've done it before, gently tell him the truth. But here's where you can switch it up: emphasize how this time is special because it's with *him*. It's about the company, not the activity, right?

Let's not forget to address the core issue: his feelings of being second best. Have a heart-to-heart, highlighting all the unique qualities he brings to your life that money can't buy. It's about creating new memories together, not outshining old ones. 😘 And when it comes to date nights, maybe suggest new adventures that are exclusive to your relationship. Novel experiences can be both budget-friendly and incredibly fulfilling, leaving both of you excited for what's to come.

Remember, it's not about the scale of the gesture but the intention behind it. Shower him with appreciation for his efforts and reassure him that it's the thought and love behind the action that truly counts. Keep nurturing your relationship garden, and those pesky weeds of insecurity will start to disappear. 💖

[D_Bone_Steak]

He lives in this guy's shadow and has to help with his living sperm results. You sure your current man wasn't just a backup plan?

It's hard to say what you should do. Acting like it's the first time you did it would be kinder than rubbing it in his face that your ex already did that for you. You sure you're not alpha-widowed and just rubbing this shit in his face already? Why did you split with alpha-chad? cheating? Greedy and didn't want to share with the other girls?

[BetaBucks]

We all know the answers to the questions you're asking. Some just don't want to admit it.

[D_Bone_Steak]

@BetaBucks Usually these chicks will deny it, but I like to entertain the idea that they're not that bad for reals. But you're right... there is a reason they never respond when I make these appeals.

[D_Bone_Steak]

@BetaBucks With that said... I guess I check this off as another encounter with alpha-widowed and as further validation why the advice of "never link up to a chick with kids" holds true.

[BetaBucks]

You should break up with him. I know you can't get your ex back, but you can at least try for someone that's as good as him.

[spartan55]

Is he asking or are you just telling him about going to these places with your ex?