How do you respond to a message like this?

[Anonymous]

Hey, You may not want to address what occurred the other day, but I think it’s important rather than just brushing over it, cos there hasn’t been any acknowledgment of it of any kind since.


I love and care for you, but I can’t be arguing over silliness.


If we have something that is bothering us, we need to talk and discuss it, but keep it open when talking about it. Open questions, open statements, don’t make it seem as if one does something, no accusations, no assumptions, or I individually am trying to do something


We are partners in this, we do it together, we get through things together. Yes we may individually make sacrifices, but it’s still about we, both, us.


It’s important for us this weekend at least in my opinion, to reflect, sit back and really think about what we love about one another and then list things down that we are worried about / concerned about the future in an open way so we can address them together.

Context: I'm 5 months pregnant, struggling a little mentally and physically. My partner washes up and walks the dogs. But struggles to know what he wants to eat and will wait until I've woken up in the evening to decide on a meal as its rather late to cook we end up eating takeaway, which isn't the healthiest option. I addressed this but was off sick for a week from work so didn't need the stress. This was his message to me I guess when he couldn't wait any longer.
I thought we had resolved things ie he said he is happy to cook daily and if I have frozen food he will warm it and eat it.

[AI Opinion]

Aiming to sprinkle a bit of love and understanding into your situation! 😊 This message is a heartfelt call for open communication and partnership, which is essential, especially with a little one on the way and your current health. It’s clear that there's love in the air, even amidst the frustration.

Your partner is reaching out for a constructive conversation, focusing on teamwork and addressing concerns without pointing fingers. This is a positive sign! Respond with appreciation for opening up the dialogue. Share your feelings honestly, acknowledging the effort to communicate and cooperate. It's a beautiful opportunity to deepen your connection by expressing what you love about each other and discussing concerns in a supportive, non-judgmental way.

Navigating this with love, understanding, and a dash of humor can make all the difference. Remember, you’re not just partners; you’re a team working towards a common goal—a happy, healthy family. Dive into this conversation with an open heart and lots of love. You've got this! 💑🍼

[Skinhead-1979]

Ah, the 'couple struggles' during pregnancies.

This can happen... A pregnancy, especially a first one, brings a massive change in both your lives and can be, initially, difficult to deal with for either one of you.

This may come as a surprise, but men can also suffer from 'Perinatal Depression'.

Just you being pregnant, and how it has changed your hormones and moods, can have a massive affect on a man too.

My ex always claimed that she loved being Pregnant; I was so confused about that; she was sick and in pain the whole time; couldn't stand any smells (Mainly complaining about my coffee, I smoke and some other things)... I was not having a good time during the pregnancy and the way she sounded, I can't imagine she enjoyed it either.

After she had given birth it became even worse... She was very distant, wanted no love or affection at all, and 9 months after my son was born she wanted to split up, accused me of lots of things which aren't true; and even though, somehow, we managed to stay 'together' for another 10 years... the relationship was essentially over. She went through exactly the same with the guy before me; whose daughter I have raised as my own because the ex did not allow him to be in her life (After my ex had cast me aside in December 2019, I sought him out and brought him into contact with his daughter; but now I have been without my kids for 3.5 years myself...)

She has a lot more issues... I strongly suspect she has 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder', so I do not want to frighten you... But 'Perinatal Depression' is real and both the new mother and father can suffer severely from that.

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear what you went through and are still suffering from. It's difficult. We are trying to navigate this new stage and merge our lives which is why it is so tricky. I have been told I may be at risk of preecclampsia which is why healthy food and eating at a decent time is important to me. I appreciate that he helps with the washing up and walking the dog but I have stressed that I'm struggling to do other things. Just a little assistance or initiative would be great. When I mentioned being off sick for the week from work he told me to let him know if I needed help with anything. There's no thought as to what he could do. It's disappointing and quite frustrating. I don't want to coach him through everything especially when he has so many reasons to complain when I do. There's not a lot of love being felt here.

[Skinhead-1979]

I fully understand that it is difficult for you, and I am well aware that due to the stress 'Pre-eclampsia' is a very real risk... but a pregnancy is still not easy, despite all the medical technological advancements.

And as I have said, the Perinatal Depression is a real issue which can hit you 2 both hard. The only thing really is to keep talking with each other and tell what you 2 expect from each other without pressuring each other.

At that time I had no clue what Perinatal Depression was... it was years later that I felt a need to look for answers, way too late of course (though as I have mentioned she has probably more issues, so talking would not have worked and she would have continued blaming me for everything); but when I read about Perinatal Depression a lot started to make sense.

I don't know how he was before the pregnancy... If he didn't help out with the day to day house chores back then either, then every little bit he does now is a winner and it'll be difficult to expect more from him. Some men just don't feel an awful lot of need to help out with housekeeping because they are the bread-winner, so everything you get them to do is a winner.

I had been living on my own for 8-9 years before I moved in with my ex, and I have always been complimented on how much of a tidy person. I am also the kind of person who feels that everything in a relationship needs to be shared equally... so that also means housekeeping, regardless of whether I work 40-50 hours a week or not... and I have been a chef for 22 years, so me doing the cooking was also not a problem.

[Skinhead-1979]

If he really doesn't listen to you... it's best to just leave the least important housekeeping chores and do only the important things so you won't stress yourself mentally nor physically out too much and your living space won't turn too much in a mess. You health and well-being comes first now, everything else is secondary.
I would be careful with pressuring him too much... This difficult period in both your lives, which affects you both mentally, will pass; the sad thing is if you put too much pressure on him now, he may make the irrational decision to leave you and that's the last thing you want of course. That's simply because his emotions and mental state may be all over the place too, and while under normal circumstance he would accept an argument and not make irrational decisions... when he is suffering as a result of possible Perinatal Depression, he may not accept an argument and make irrational decisions. As said, you both need to get through the last, 4 month, of your pregnancy and once that has passed you can start working on the rest.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I will take your advice on board I spoke to my gp while I was off work and let him know I was feeling low. So I will be joining a mother and baby group, to talk. As for him I've suggested couple's therapy but he's not interested. He studied psychology so thinks he knows it all hence his last part in my original post! I've had enough. Tbh. So I will do what's necessary to not stress myself.

[Skinhead-1979]

GP... so you live in the UK 😉 Yes, keep talking with your GP and see how he/ she can help you.

I wish you 2 both all the best! Parenthood, while stressful and frustrating at time, is, in my opinion, the best thing in life. I will never forget that moment my beautiful boy was born (29th of December 2009); I got 'teary'. It's difficult to describe how it felt... such a beautiful moment.

I've never regretted becoming a father... How I have raised my children is about the only thing I am proud of in my life. They are very smart and well liked. No matter what they'll do, or where they'll end up, I will always be proud of them.

[Asker]

That's beautiful ❤️

[Skinhead-1979]

Again I wish you all the best... I am sure you will be a great mother 😊