Is it wrong for me to be upset with him?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my boyfriend just finished a 1-yr jail sentence. He did something minor, but then made the situation worse by trying to flee.

we kept in contact while he was locked up, I ordered him food from commissary, kept money on the phones for him, etc. I was probably more supportive of him than anybody else in his family.

he’s been out almost 2 weeks now & won't spend time with me. First, he said he wanted to see me the first day, then he said he had too much to do the first day with appointments at the probation office and whatnot, but that he wanted to see me the first week. Then he said to wait until after the family picnic, his mother was planning. That was over a week ago, and he barely communicates with me.

so I called him yesterday and asked him what was going on. I thought maybe he had a side check. I said “if that’s the case, just be honest”. he swore up and down that wasn’t the issue. So then I said “well somethings going on because you’re not acting like the same person.” Then he said that he felt overwhelmed with everything he’s having to take care of… his mother expects him to support her and he lost his job because he got locked up, he wrecked his truck and it’s totaled and his license is suspended until next year. And he has a bunch of stuff he has to fix and repair around his mom‘s house.

I told him I wasn’t mad that he was “busy”. I was upset with him because he keeps making plans and then backing out and that I would prefer if he didn’t make plans at all instead of saying he’s gonna do something and then not follow through. he told me he would call me back later that evening, I told him I wasn’t getting my hopes up, and he assured me that he would call me back that night. He did not. so I texted him and said “you can’t even keep your word about a phone call. I’m moving on you’ll never hear from me again”.

[Anonymous]

It's not wrong for you to be upset with him. But I'd imagine you would get pretty busy after coming out of jail. I'm not sure who is more justified here, his lack of presence or your discontent with it. They both have validity.

Without knowing more details, my suggestion is to perhaps just take some time away from it/him, not "never seeing him again." I don't know if you love him or how much, but it'd be a real shame if the complications of post-jail obligations caused two people who otherwise would be together forever to never see each other again.

You told him he'd never hear from you again, and if you meant it, that's the only future you two will ever have. And I think that's a bit limiting. Perhaps somewhere in the middle of that and talking with him regularly might be better? Maybe you just need some time away to gather your thoughts and let him work out whatever he needs to work out.

Maybe you two can still have something, but maybe it might have to wait another week or so. And if you guys reconnect after some amount of time and it doesn't work out and you two decide its best to not he with one another, well, that's not much different than what you were initially planning, right? That being that you'd never talk with him again?

So perhaps you can message him back, tell him you were a bit upset and you may have said something you didn't really mean. And that you've decided that you're going to give him a bit of space for him and give you some space to gather your thoughts, and that you'll reconnect after a bit of time to see where things go.

[Asker]

I love him dearly. As i said, it’s not him being busy that’s upsetting me. It’s him saying we are gonna hang out & then he bails on me over and over. We have less communication/interaction now than we did when he was locked up. We talked on the phone daily usually and i could even visit with him. I miss him terribly.

[Opinion Owner]

Then perhaps never speaking to him again might not be the right choice.

[Anonymous]

My cousin was the same way when he got out. He had gotten used to having a routine and was very overwhelmed with everything & and everyone wanting to see him. It's a different world in there and you need to give him a chance to adjust to being outside.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input! I’m strugging bc i miss him so much. He is pretty much my best friend, not just a boyfriend. And i’m feeling alone without him.

[Opinion Owner]

I get that, but try to be understanding. For the first time in a year he can have some alone time. He could also be anxious when out in public because he's used to constantly having to look over his shoulder. He could be embarrased that he went to jail and isn't ready to face people. It could be all of the above and more. Just give him some time and I'm sure things will get better.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the rocky waters of post-incarceration relationship dynamics is quite the challenge, isn't it? It's like trying to dance on a boat in choppy seas – you want to move gracefully, but the waves keep throwing you off balance. Your feelings of frustration are totally valid. You've been the anchor in stormy weather, offering unwavering support, yet now you find yourself adrift, wondering why the same effort isn't being reciprocated.

Feeling upset when promises are broken, especially in such a vulnerable phase of your relationship, is understandable. However, remember that reintegrating into society after incarceration is a tumultuous journey, laden with emotional and logistical hurdles. It can be overwhelming to balance personal needs with external expectations, leading to unintentional neglect of the very connections that sustained him through his darkest times.

That being said, communication is the lighthouse guiding relationships through the fog. Venting your feelings was a necessary step; it's important he understands the impact of his actions. Moving forward, consider if this relationship is a dance you want to continue. If yes, perhaps a conversation about how you can support each other through this transition period is due. Sometimes, love requires patience and understanding, but it should never cost you your peace of mind. If his pattern continues, recall that your own happiness and well-being should always take precedence. Keep your heart open but remember, you're the captain of your own ship. 🚢💖