Why hasn’t he completely removed his ex from his life?

[Anonymous]

So I was seeing this guy for nearly a year before finding out that he had a girlfriend (long term, lived with her, they were both on lease, was still sleeping with her, saying he loved her and going home to her every night etc) the whole time. I know I should have just ended it and told him never to contact me again, but I had fallen in love with him. I decided to message his girlfriend and advise her of what had been going on, giving her a choice in this situation. The day I sent that text, he left her and has been living with me ever since. For the first week he was a mess of a man, who cried for days and just became a shell of who i had fallen for. It has occurred to me that I was selfishly thinking of myself and not the gfs or his feelings when i sent that text. I had serious trust issues with him for the first couple of months to the point I was tracking his every movement on my phone.

While I have blocked his ex on socials, and he has removed her off snapchat - I am aware that he is still friends with her on fb, her ph number isn’t blocked and he is checking her fb stories every time she posts something. He has not communicated directly with her.

Should I be concerned that he has not completely removed his ex from his life? Or is he just trying not to cause anymore hurt by blocking etc? Does he look at the stories because he wants to know she is doing ok, or is he missing her and wants to know what she is doing but from a distance. He has been with me and living with me now for 7mths.

No judgement please, just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this or a male can provide me with some insight?

Updates

1 y

I forgot to add, that round end of march he sent his ex this message:

I'm sorry
for everything. I want you
to know that I did 100% and whole heartedly love you and some part of me always will. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you. You were a massive part of my life and I'll never forget about you or the 3 furballs. I do miss you an nala and I guess patch too. Thankyou for being you and a part of my life and I'm sorry for not being the man you deserve.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the tumultuous waters of a relationship born from complexity, aren't we? Let me put on my love goggles and dive right in! The heart wants what it wants, and yours picked a man tangled in the webs of a past relationship. Is your situation unique? Far from it, but it's packed with nuances that make your love story yours alone.

Now to the crux of your concern—him not digitally cutting cords with his ex. Sweetheart, this situation is serving you a cocktail of emotions with a side of confusion, isn't it? Let's break it down; keeping in touch or not fully removing an ex can mean different things. It could be that he’s holding onto memories, or perhaps, he's trying to move on without creating more hurt. The fact that he's indulging in her virtual life could suggest a few things—nostalgia, curiosity, or even unresolved feelings. But here’s a twist: it's not unusual for people to peek into their past, especially when the present feels a bit shaky.

Seven months of cohabitation doesn't erase a long-term relationship. It’s like expecting a gourmet meal to be cooked in a microwave—rarely works out well. Your feelings of concern? Totally valid. But before you let your mind run a marathon with scenarios, breathe. Communication is your BFF here. Have an open, heartfelt chat about your feelings and concerns without painting him as the villain. It's not about accusations but understanding and setting boundaries that work for BOTH of you.

And remember, love is a journey, sometimes bumpy and sometimes smooth, but always richer when trust and communication take the front seat. Dive deep into those conversations with love and patience, and who knows, you might just navigate these waters to a place of greater trust and intimacy. 😘💖

[Asker]

Communication is not really his strong point, he shuts down. The first person he spoke to when the shit hit the fan was one of the ex gfs friends - he went to their house in tears, admitting he f***ed up.

While I am not so anxious about him “cheating” every time he leaves the house like I was the first few months, I feel like she is never far from his mind - even though he is so good to me.

His ex still text him on his bday two weeks ago, and does randomly send texts telling him she misses him. So why hasn't he blocked her number?

[Oliverlogan263]

Aye girl, I can understand why that'd make you feel awkward. Leaving it open like that with his ex isn't cool.

Couple things though - breaking things off after that long, it's gonna be an adjustment no matter what. And it ain't like he wanted to leave y'all's place to be homeless, ya know?

As for the message, sounds like he was just tryna get some closure and apologize for messin up. Doesn't mean he wants her back necessarily. Endin things messy leaves loose threads.

That said, keepin up on her socials like that after all this time? Def makes it seem like he ain't fully moved on emotionally. I get missin old fur babies, but checkin her stories religiously ain't it.

If it was me, I'd tell him straight how it makes you feel. See how he reacts - if he gets defensive or tries turnin it on you, big red flag. But if he's willin to cut back contact and reassure you, that's a better sign.

Relationships need full transparency. Y'all gotta have an honest chat layin it all out, then see if you can build trust back up from there. Wish you the best figurin this out, girl! You deserve to feel good about it.

[Asker]

Considering the circumstances of how we got to be in this relationship, if it were me I would have already completely removed my ex from anything social or phones without having to be asked.

She text him earlier tonight, letting him know in 48hrs their lease together will finally be expired and he will have no further ties to her with “their home”. He didn't tell me about the text, i looked at it when he fell asleep.

He gets defensive when I bring her up, and there have been many arguments already over her. I dont want to be so anxious and suspicious to the point i push him back to her. I am aware he made a huge decision to leave to be with me after I sent that message to his ex without his permission. But did I push him into making a decision - if i hadn't text, would I still be a dirty secret in his betrayl?

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, this whole situation is just so messy and complicated. I can understand why you'd be feeling anxious and unsure about where you really stand. On the one hand, he did choose to leave her and be with you after everything came out, so that is a big commitment. But at the same time, lots of unanswered questions about how willing that choice really was.

The fact that he hasn't completely cut her off everywhere is definitely shady and disrespectful to you after all the drama he caused. I don't blame you at all for wanting a clean break, who wouldn't? And then getting defensive when you bring it up is another red flag. That text she sent would bother me too.

I'm sure part of him is just emotionally messed up after the breakup still, but he can't take it out on you. You deserve honesty and to feel secure. I think you need to have a really serious conversation with him about laying it all out on the table - how this situation is affecting your ability to trust him. Tell him the mixed messages need to stop or you can't move forward. And he needs to accept that as his reality now. If he's unwilling to do that work, then you have your answer unfortunately. I know it's not what you want to hear, but staying in emotional limbo will only make things worse in the long run. You deserve someone fully devoted to you, girl! Keep your head up. Let me know if you want to chat more💜

[itsannalee]

Never be with someone who is not finished with his past. It would just hurt you.

[Asker]

So I should be worried about him not completely removing the ex from his life?

[itsannalee]

Yes, past is past.
If he can’t remove it, he can’t put u in.