Did he not get over his ex wife? Should I break up?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has been married before, and his ex wife didn't work and he was paying everything for her. They don't have any kids, he was working in another city and coming home only on weekends and in the meantime she was sleeping around and she cheated on him even with some of his friends and his brother.

After they got divorced he didn't have any serious relationship until now with me. Everyone says that I'm so much better person and much prettier than her and so on... His friends (real friends, not the ones who banged his wife lol) love me and his mom loves me and she is like when will you guys get married.

I have my own business and I live by myself, take care of myself, I'm not wealthy but I'm doing ok. And when we go out sometimes I pay sometimes he does, it doesn't really matter to me... But sometimes I feel like was she better than me did he love her more cause he was doing all that for her.

And yesterday we were with his friends and he had a few drinks and then he was talking about her for quite a long time about who she slept with what she did etc. like he started the topic no one else did.

He tells me every day he loves me, we spend all our free time together basically, we don't live together but every night we sleep together, sometimes at my place sometimes at his. He hugs me all night. He is very kind to me and does all those little things like make me dinner, dry my hair, tie my shoes even... He doesn't mind to do this all in front of his friends even though they tease him. But I still feel like she got more from him, he loved her not me, like why would he mention her...

Now he is at work and he texted me multiple times and called me and I just don't feel like talking to him... I just don't know what to do.

[abc3643]

This is a very good question and I should answer more, but I have a meeting in a few minutes.
First, he is scarred and, while he has his emotions under control, what happened to him is effectively trauma so it lies under the surface. Alcohol brings out the trauma because it weakens in the inhibition center of the brain which prevents us from saying or doing things we shouldn't. (Sadly, in 2005ish, I did exactly what he did. Long story.)

But, believe it or not, his relationship with you is:
1. Something he wants.
2. Something he needs.
3. Something that helps keep the trauma at bay.
4. Something that will eventually heal him.

Give it time, but, believe me, you are good for him and he wants and needs you.
If he's not already in love with you, he will be.
If you do break up with him, he will have a broken heart.

I strongly suspect he cares for you every bit as much as he ever did for her.

[Nirmroth]

He experienced a trauma in some sense. Guy basically lost his wife, many of his friends and brother.

He is over her as a person but not over the trauma itself. Dont let him down but support him, talk with him. Maybe even offer help in searching for a therapie place for him.

The worst you could do, is leaving him in the dark, he likely doesn't understand whats wrong because he probably sees the things as working with his trauma not with wanting his toxic ex wife back.

[Asker]

I know he doesn't want her back but I feel like he doesn't love me that much like he spent his love already you know what I mean

[Nirmroth]

Nah thats bullshit. there's not such a cap.
It might only be that he's more cautious now

[In_Trance]

Stop...