Is it really possible to forgive without forgetting the pain?

Question

For those who have dealt with betrayals. Can you truly move on and forgive the person while still feeling hurt about what happened? I recently experienced some betrayal from several loved ones. I have forgiven them and does not hold any kind of resentment towards any of them but when I’m home alone, I’m reminded of the pain that they’ve caused me. I’m not angry at them at all, even when I see these people I genuinely feel happy and enjoy my time with them but when I’m alone again I just feel hurt about what happened. I’ve accepted that the betrayal happened but why I am still hurting especially since it’s been almost 3 months?

uncleBobbyb77 · Accepted Answer

Of course it is possible to forgive without forgetting. It's not only possible, it is NECESSARY. There are 5 Gifts of The Heart, as I call them, that comprise what it is to truly love. You only have one heart. That means you only have one love. Everyone you have loved, love now, or ever will love you are loving them all with the same love. What changes is the expression of your love for each of them. The roles people fill in your life can change... often. The appropriate expression of your love for a person is defined by the role they currently fill in your life. To truly live in an unconditionally loving manner you must freely and actively give the 5 gifts of the heart to one and all... including yourself. A gift is only a gift if it's free. Free of price, free of condition. Being Gifts of the Heart each of them is made of just one ingredient, Heart. No mind, no thought allowed in the making or giving of these gifts. Where thought ought be applied is in the choosing of the role someone fills and in the thoughtful expression of these gifts to those you love. Similar to how you can change the giftwrap on a gift to an appropriate wrap defined by the occasion on which your giving without changing the actual gift itself the roles people fill in your life can be changed without changing the love you have for them. It is just the expression of your love that needs to change when the roles are changed. Forgetting what people have done wrong or right is pure idiocy and is a disservice to both you and them. Forgiving them for failing to live up to their potential, for always failing to live up to the ideal you hold in your head for them, for yourself is necessary so that those feelings of hurtfulness, the sting of perceived betrayal doesn't fester and rot, poisoning you from the inside, jading you, making you bitter and start to lash out, commiting malevolent acts with deliberate malice making the tragedies of life worse, making things pure hell for all involved. Thats what often happens if you don't forgive. But you can't forget either because you do NOT have to put yourself in a position where you are continuously hurt and abused in order to forgive someone. If they turn out to be toxic you can Accept they are a piece of crap from a distance. You can Appreciate the crap they pull and the crappy role they fill in the world from a distance. You can respect their potential to make life hell from a distance, and trust that they will probably continue to be a crappy person and do crappy stuff even though you are you from a distance. And you can forgive the fact they are cheating themselves and you out of a better relationship and a better life from a distance. Be brave not naive. Forgive yourself for bravely believing would do better when you ought to have known better. Now you do know better so you can make the necessary adjustments in the roles they will fill etc moving forward. Forgive but don't forget. Remember, learn, adjust, and try again either with or without them. This is the place to let your Mind not your Heart make the call. Don't stay in a toxic, vulnerable position just because you love them. Love them from afar if true a piece of s#! is what they are. Give your unconditional love to one and to all. One worthy of filling the role of your soul mate will make themselves known to you when you stop looking for them

Telekinetic-Potato · Accepted Answer

Personally, I think the world makes a lot more sense if you think about love as wishing the best for someone or something.

I had a friend when I was a kid and we both developed different sensibilities as we grew older. We ended up fighting and after some fists were thrown and words were said, we didn't spend much time together after.

I went through a lot with this person and I was pretty young. The fight was over principles he thought my worldview was hurting me and I thought his worldview was hurting him. In order to love something or someone, you have to understand it. Otherwise that's just a type of perverted lust.

Really, we stopped talking because of the pain of growing apart. It didn't happen immediately but eventually the friend group that he was the main guy in, who he introduced me to, became split between me and him until we never saw eachother. I wanted to forgive him but it was a painful thing to think about.

The next time I saw him was a while later at a party. It was about to be me vs three and right before they jumped me, this kid comes in and sucker punches one of them. Which by the way was arguably what started our argument the first time.

We left and got beers hung out on a rooftop somewhere and talked till the sun came up.

We still went our separate ways but I don't think the situation bothers either of us anymore. And we call every once in a while to this day.

If you handle everything and everyone in your life with genuine love you'll find that the tough decisions get a little easier and less murkey. And the emotions you feel easier to reconsile.

If you still spend time with this person than it's even easier. Just put it behind you and start making new memories together.

If there were never bad feelings, the good ones would be bland anyway.

GlitteringWorld · Accepted Answer

After reading your post, it reminded me of a challenging phase I went through two years ago. I can truly empathize with the pain you experienced from those betrayals. It seems like you've already forgiven them, which is a significant step. However, holding onto those memories might still be weighing you down. It's important to let go of the past and focus on your own growth. Remember, you are valuable and deserving of peace. You shouldn't let those painful memories continue to affect you. Embrace the journey of healing and self-improvement, and know that you are deserving of happiness.

Spotifyplaylist · Accepted Answer

Honestly some days it won't bother you, but one day you'll just have a normal conversation with the person you chose to forgive and the thought of how it made you feel might come flowing in. You'll get angry and contradict yourself but that's the process of it. It's okay to feel this way just don't stifle your feelings because you believe it's time to get over it.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Diving into the heart's mysteries, aren't we? 💘 Let's unwrap this. Forgiving without forgetting? Ah, that's the real love story with a twist. Imagine forgiving someone is like mending a broken vase — it’s back together, looks beautiful, but those cracks? They tell a story, a bit like the scars on our hearts.

Now, here’s the spicy twist: forgiveness is letting go of the need for payback; it's your heart saying, “I'm choosing peace over holding onto this grudge.” But forgetting? That’s a tough one. Our brains are wired to remember, especially the emotional roller coasters. It’s normal to still feel the sting even if the wound isn’t open anymore.

Three months might feel like forever in heartache land, but healing’s on its own timeline, dancing to its rhythm. It’s like your heart’s going through its playlist of emotions, and sometimes it hits replay on the sad songs. The key? Give it time. Healing is not linear; it’s more like a dance, two steps forward, one step back.

Embrace those moments of hurt, they're part of the journey. Talk about it, write it down, or maybe turn it into a self-care ritual. You're not alone in feeling this way, and it’s totally okay to still hurt while loving and forgiving.

So, dance on, my friend. The music will change, the pain will lessen, and one day, you'll find yourself humming to a happier tune. And remember, it's okay to forgive and not forget; it's a sign you're human, with a beautifully complex heart. 💖

V_Injector · Answer

I don't see how you'll ever forget the pain. It's why most people say just to leave... it will always be there even if your betrayer does everything right and becomes your personal SIMP/sycophant type of orbiter weirdo.

I'll put it like this, you can't unsee the evil in people once you've seen it. It will always be there like a ghost behind the face in front of you.

I will say the pain dulls and numbs you out over time. You'll either start becoming a cynical satire machine like myself or you'll start saying Democrat talking points. One way or the other... the evil of it will shape you.

Ultimately it's up to you in how you'll let that shape you. ... Just don't expect that pain to ever really go away though. Like a ghost right behind the face in front of you.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I have been betrayed by my sister on numerous occasions.

Forgiving means making an intentional decision to let go of my resentment and anger. It is something that I have done not because she deserves forgiveness, but because I don't want her betrayals to continue having a hold on my life, keeping me rooted in the past. I don't seek revenge on her, I don't wish her any misfortune, and I don't seek opportunities to talk badly about her.

However, I haven't forgotten and I don't want to forget. I don't want her to have another opportunity to cause me harm. I have chosen to exclude her from my life, not to punish her, but only to protect me from her. I don't pretend to have any joy in my heart for her, and I try hard to also not hold any malice. She has only faded from significance in my world.

Summeroflove · Answer

Forgiving is not easy but the problem is that people who hurt people tend to enjoy the pain of others. They genuinely like seeing you burning with hatred because it lets them know I’ve hurt this person. Normal people aren’t like this but bad folks are.

Forgiving doesn't mean allowing them to hurt you again it’s just moving on with your life despite what they did. Feeling sorry for them but not sorry enough to let them hurt you again.

Levin · Answer

Sometimes you have to acknowledge it's okay to feel that way, rather than trying to push the pain away.

It's always hard when there are different power dynamics in a relationship, ie someone cares while the other simply doesn't.

Also, maybe there are some boundary issues there. You can pretend you have forgiven and feel okay. And yet you have to be around them. Is there someone you want to say to them?

Are there deeper issues in your life? Is there a way you can move forward and empower yourself?

RubyFrench · Answer

You are obviously a person that believes in principles and loyalty. Id say its a good thing you feel like this as it means your a good person. Betrayal is a hard thing to forget even if you have kind of forgiven it..

My father cheated on my mother with my best friends mum, i have forgiven him..
but i will NEVER forget, and the hurt and embarrassment is still there when i deeply think about it. I think its maybe buried? and things can bring it up.

Oncewildtwiceburned · Answer

They say watching your kids grow up in another family while mom alienates them from you is like reliving a death of a family member every time you see them or think about them.

Ripping the bandaid off means self deletion, only alternative is starting a new family.

Makeushiver · Answer

I think the only way to get past something is to forgive whomever has caused you pain. That does not condone, justify, or in any way excuse behavior that requires forgiveness. It does make it possible to move on from that incident and to get on with your life. Forgetting the pain will likely come with time but I don't know if forgetting the details should be encouraged. That's what allows us to learn from past mistakes and hopefully, avoid future ones.

morganherrel · Answer

If you associate your pain with resentment, sense of injustice, indignation, etc., then you haven't forgiven the person.

If you have let go of those negative emotions, then you can feel as much pain as you want while still forgiving them in my opinion. The more pain, the harder it is to forgive; but with a strong and generous heart, it is always feasible.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes. If you can't you should neither forgive nor pretend to forgive. People are typically mixed bags of good and bad. You have to decide what ones are worth the pain, to enjoy the good. To quote somebody else, "all people are going to hurt you, you just have to decide which ones are worth bleeding for".

Nikki1989 · Answer

I always say it is not how you were knocked down, but how quickly you get back up again. That is far more important.

lorenzomichael · Answer

We can always forgive, but how can we ever forget? Thats something you have to work on within yourself. If it wasn’t that important then you’ll get over it. If it was that important you have to move on.

EnjoytheDay777 · Answer

It's very hard to forget. Time helps but yeah I always remember it. Best I can do is keep it in the back of my mind and try to be forgiving (unless it was a very bad betrayal -- I'm sorry, but I don't know exactly what happened).

fuddly · Answer

Let me guess, they cheated on you with each other?  That's something you can make sense of logically but never really forget  It just hurts but time will help Best to move away from them in your life

LiamJHayden · Answer

Forgiveness does not require the victim to forget what happened, nor to continue a relationship.

jahaims · Answer

Forgiveness isn't forgetting what happened and letting it go. It's understanding why the person did what they did and showing empathy.

dragoblack · Answer

Yep. I've done it many times. But, i wouldn't forgive if he doesn't make an effort or work on himself

noohair · Answer

I think it will take more time. Three months is not that much time.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, it's possible, I forgave some people, although, I'm still in lots of pain.

WhitneySnow · Answer

Yes but it’s not easy

Maybeyoutoo · Answer

This is so ridiculous

Cheerfull009 · Answer

If not hurt too much , then forgive

elizamichale1 · Answer

Not really

Becky316 · Answer

No I don't

Is it really possible to forgive without forgetting the pain?

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