Would you rather have a partner that constantly checks on you or one that trusts you completely?

[Anonymous]

In my friend group, there are 2 guys that are married and they have completely different marriages.

Friend A: His wife constantly checks on him. He works from home, she works in office, and whenever she has a break, she calls to see what he’s doing. He claims that he loves it, but to me it seems like she’s always monitoring him. During my birthday party 2 years ago, she called him 4 times in a 3 hour span to see where he was at and ask if it was over. One time, we left his house and drove 15 minutes to pick up pizza. As we’re driving back, she calls to see where we’re at because in her mind it shouldn’t have taken that long. I don’t think she trusts him. She’s also forced him to change where he does his hobbies. He likes to play pool, but he can’t go to his favorite pool hall 30 minutes away. He has to go to the one 7 minutes away and be home by 9:30 pm.

Friend B: His wife never checks on him. Every time we hang out, his wife never calls or texts. For instance, the other day, he told her that he was going to play basketball with me from 8:30 to 12. He only lives 10 minutes from the court. After basketball, we went to get protein shakes and chatted until 1. A complete contrast from my other friend. He said that if he’s out late, she’ll just go to sleep and hear what he has to say in the morning. She trusts him completely.

I like Friend B’s marriage, however I wouldn’t mind a little text after let’s say 30 minutes of when I was going to be done to see what’s up. I could not do Friend A’s wife’s excessive calling.

What kind of partner would you rather have?

Constantly checks

Trusts completely

Somewhere in the middle

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I was married to A, actually. But his behavior had to do with what he saw in his parent's marriage, and trust issues with previous relationships. He thought it was normal. My family of origin was totally different, and I thought I was going to lose my mind until I communicated that it was over the top. I'm a free spirit, and I felt like I was in a well-protected cage at times. Don't get me wrong, he was a good guy. He was in a pattern and wasn't even aware of what he was doing. But being asked who you talked to and for how long, where you went that day and what time and for how long, why you chose to do so, etc. etc. is crazy-making. I don't mind being asked how my day went, but that was a little much. He backed off when I explained how it felt.

Your friend does not love it. He is trying to make the best of it. No guy likes being babysat by his wife. He needs to address this as soon as possible and set some perimeters. He can let her know how she can communicate with him in a way that is less controlling.

As for B, I would even call if my husband was past the time he said, not because I'm worried about his faithfulness, but because something may have happened. That seems like another extreme, where the wife is detached or possibly doing things that aren't on the up-and-up herself.

[Asker]

Reading this, I realize that my dad is very much like A. Smh Anyway, your response to B sounds reasonable.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Thanks! :D

[ariadneR]

A little bit of both. I couldn't do friend a, at all.

Trust goes a long way. If you finished work at 9? But weren't home by 12, I'd ve a little worried, but at the same time, I trust you amd would know that if something serious happened I'd get a phone call.

[Zeropopular]

You can't treat your partner as if they have no options and are stuck with you forever that ruins things you also can't be insecure and like at least be rude and aggressive over phones and activities of partners it also creates endings of them...

The idea is to trust and know your partner is attractive and be confident they are who you want to be with and that they feel the same and be very understanding about trauma and peoples pasts they can be very influential over this aspect..

Generally speaking you can ask your partner what they would think was too much ahead of doing it and ask them to do the same they would want from you and that is a great starting place

[AviatorTom]

I'd prefer 15% Friend A and 85% Friend B. Best relationships are based on trust and caring. An occasional checking up is appreciated, to make sure I'm okay.

[WindAtMyBack]

I don't think I have ever been with anyone who checked on me. And that's the way I like it. If she was always checking on me I don't think the relationship would last long at all. That would drive me totally nuts.

[TacosRAwesome]

I would prefer something in the middle. Like if I tell my partner I'll be home by 10pm and I'm not then it makes sense that they call at like 10.15, but they don't need to call at 9.30. however if I know I'm running late I should inform them.

[DrPepper12]

I'm married to the "Call when you get home so I know your safe" I'm the "No news is good news"

My wife is INSANE about kids tho. Creepy tracker apps on all their phones for location. I think it's too much.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

It's nice to know she worries. But I'm also big on trust. I'm still not sure where my preference lies

[slatyb]

A is in a very unhealthy relationship. Do they have children?

[Asker]

No, they don’t. He talks about not wanting children. He jokes that he just wants to be an uncle that drives my future kids to school. She does. They’re interracial, she’s always pointing at mixed kids and asking him if their babies are going to look like that.

[Ladsin2]

Weird way to ask that question. A truer version would be, "Would You Rather Have A Partner That Constantly Checks On You, Or One That Doesn't Care Enough To Do So?"

I'd prefer the former.

[elaphe]

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you?

[Asker]

Exactly. These results are proving that Friend A is lying. He’s annoyed by her. 😂

[imfreeze95]

It’s not just about trust sometimes it’s about knowing they care.

[Anonymous]

One that kidnaps me from the shower with shampoo in my eyes and tosses me on his bed. While his friends pump their meat inside me

[strateguy632]

Trust!