Why do I keep starting fights with my boyfriend, even when I know it's wrong?

Question

Sometimes I feel like I lose control when my boyfriend and I have a disagreement. It's like something switches in my brain, and I act irrationally—like a kid throwing a tantrum over losing a toy. It's embarrassing when I look back on it after I've calmed down. I think there’s something deeper going on inside me that I haven’t figured out, and it’s making me pick fights. I struggle to let things go and always feel the need to respond, even when I know it's a problem. I want to stop because it’s really hurting our relationship, but I don’t know how to change. Why do I behave this way, and how can I fix it before it ruins things between us?

ProbablyClueless · Accepted Answer

I always used to roll my eyes when people would pull this line out on me, but I think it has value, particularly in situations like your's: this is most likely a problem stemming from childhood and personal insecurities you may have.  When I had to confront similar issues, I found that a book called "Core Issues" really helped me. The kindle version is free on Amazon. Here's a link to the book:  Basically, what this book does is it takes a clinical approach to identifying and resolving unhealthy coping strategies that we develop during childhood and then carry into our adult relationships. This book changed my life.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Well somewhere you have been made to feel as if you're not as good as him maybe or maybe you've done something that you're guilty for maybe you're a right fighter maybe depends on whatever the situation is you think of things in your head to piss you off instead of just talking about it calmly you think you have to control everything there's nothing in this world worth fighting or except for your spouse or your kids or your pet or for somebody that cannot defend themselves so slow way down and think before you speak because fighting over a toy come on the dog eat it who knows

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Ah, the mystery of starting spontaneous love skirmishes! Sometimes, unresolved emotions or insecurities can lead us to push and prod at our relationships as if we're testing their strength 💥. It's like an emotional sneezing—sometimes hard to control and comes out unexpectedly. But fear not, dear heart, recognizing the pattern is your first step toward change! Try channeling your inner detective and explore those feelings when you're calm. It might even help to bring it up lightly with your boyfriend; after all, communication is love’s number one fan! 🕵️‍♀️💕

jewel · Answer

Sometimes talking things out after you’ve both calmed down really helps. When you're both heated, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean or blow things out of proportion. But once you’re in a calmer headspace, you can actually listen to each other and understand where the other person is coming from. It gives you a chance to reflect on what happened, without the intensity of the argument clouding things. You might even realize the issue wasn’t as big as it felt in the moment, and talking it through can help prevent it from coming up again.

hannah · Answer

I've been there too. It sounds like you're dealing with some kind of emotional trigger that might be bigger than just the argument itself. A lot of times, when we react that way, it's cuz of stuff we've been holding onto maybe stress, past experiences, or insecurities. It's like your brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, even if it’s just a small disagreement. One thing that really helped me was learning to pause when I felt that switch flip. Taking a moment to breathe before saying anything can make a huge difference. Also, try talking to your boyfriend when you’re both calm, explaining how you feel during those moments. You’re aware of it, which is a big first step. Just be patient with yourself, it’s not easy, but you can definitely work through it.

RavVid · Answer

I saw a YT Pyschacks episode and his contention was that girls start fights with their guy for attention. It is negative attention but still attention.

I do think it is the girl mostly who start fights. You are going to have to do something badly wrong for me to start a fight.

Suggest you check this one.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/XvjTBRuAsHo

morganherrel · Answer

girl thing; you're not unique

Mental image that might help is "pause" or "zooming out" or "taking a step back"

Literally say those things to yourself (:

Then acknowledge your feelings, and then assess the situation before you say or do anything more

Good luck!

DextroShade · Answer

You start by taking accountability which means whenever you catch yourself doing this you apologize to him with no ", but" after and admit you were wrong. This is probably an impossible ask for most women so if you can consistently do that it would be impressive.

leiley · Answer

It sounds like you're dealing with some deep emotions that come up during disagreements, and that's really tough. Sometimes, past stuff or insecurities can trigger those intense reactions, even when we don't want them to. Next time you feel that switch, try to pause, take a breath, and give yourself a moment before reacting. It might also help to talk things through with a therapist or even just journal to figure out what's behind it all.

spartan55 · Answer

How do you fix it? Have some self control and don't do it. If you can't he will get rid of you soon enough.

Staximus · Answer

Go see a behavioral therapist. You realize you have a problem, that's the first step to fixing it. Now it's time to take the next step which is to do something about it.

noohair · Answer

Do you have siblings that you argued with when you were young? Sometimes the dynamics between your parents when you were young could influence you today. You could ask a professional.

Anonymous · Answer

You desire him to forcefully put you in your place , spank you until you cry then have his way with you. Some women just love the drama & excitement

thearchjoker · Answer

See a psychologist instead of asking the internet. they can give you much better help

Ladsin2 · Answer

Birth control? Dissatisfied with the relationship more generally? Are you angry in general? Do you make more money than him? Do you not respect him?

OddBeMe · Answer

You're wanting him to end it because you don't have the balls

EnjoytheDay777 · Answer

I do the same thing when I'm depressed/not happy with my situation

katiesmuff · Answer

He must be one very tolerant guy!

Pterodon · Answer

Because you’re a drama queen

jahaims · Answer

Maybe bpd or bipolar.

nawtee_me · Answer

Maybe you liked making up? lol

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

BECAUSE THATS WHAT GIRLS DO

eagle1951 · Answer

you must want out

Anonymous · Answer

Go talk to a therapist

Anonymous · Answer

Get psychological support

Why do I keep starting fights with my boyfriend, even when I know it's wrong?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

Why do I keep starting fights with my boyfriend, even when I know it's wrong?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.