Why do I keep starting arguments with my boyfriend for no reason?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why I do this, but my boyfriend and I keep fighting over the smallest things. I get triggered and suddenly act like everything is a big deal when it’s not. Then, when I calm down, I feel embarrassed and, frankly, a little ridiculous. It’s like there’s something deeper going on inside me that I can’t figure out. I realize that I get annoyed by the smallest things, his tone of voice, how long it takes him to text back, or even things that aren’t his fault. And the worst part? I can’t just let it go. I always feel the need to have the last word or prove a point, even when I know I’m exaggerating. I hate how it affects us. He doesn’t deserve this, and I know it’s not healthy for either of us. But I don’t know where to start to fix this. Is it insecurity? Is it anxiety? Is there something unresolved? I love him and I don’t want to ruin things between us, but I’m stuck in a cycle of overreacting and apologizing. How do I get out of this? How do I stop letting my emotions get the best of me and start acting like the person I want to be in this relationship?

[D_Bone_Steak]

Responding to just the question here... I'm going to say "attention" is the reason.

Now I'm going to read what you wrote...

Oh gawd... sort of reminds me of dealing with this chick on this site that has a cat in a suit for a profile picture. She fights with anything I say even if it's right. Literally anything... and just keeps going. It's not exactly how you describe yourself, but it reminds me of her. I'm to the point that I avoid her.

I still think attention is a factor... and like attention... I think ego is at play here. You've heard this saying before right? "Love me or hate me, but you will not ignore me."

Someone who desires attention deeply for seemingly no reason doesn't care if it's negative or positive attention. They know how to get attention and they will demand it. Even if it pisses everyone off and even makes themself feel bad about how they're doing it.

Here is what I would suggest to you... plunge balls deep into figuring out "self-validation" techniques. I'm not talking ego-feeding stuff... I'm talking 'acceptance when you're wrong' type stuff, or not feeling like a loser when everything is fine type stuff.

The usual saying for a woman like you is that you were treated like a princess and never got told you were wrong in your young years... and now you're clashing with reality. I'm not saying that's what it is, but it's food for thought... like why do people say that about people like you? That's just something to think about, I'm not saying that because I have no proof. I just read what other people write about the same subject matter.

Attention though... look into it. The id is what your base animal self wants, the ego figures out ways to get what it wants, and the super-ego is the ideal you... what the you with super powers would do... your idea of a God basically. If you truly want to be right... you'll have to learn to find socially acceptable ways of actually being right... accept you're not perfect and learn some shit. Even if your super-ego says the perfect you would be 100% right about everything at all times and respected on all levels for it. Remember, even Alexader the Great had to learn how to pick and choose his battles... and he got to walk along with Aristotle in real life. Not joking... they'd take long walks with each other to teach the boy some shit.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I was about to answer this question and tell you that you're seeking attention. Looks like I already wrote a response though.

[Summeroflove]

Well I don’t understand it either I do understand fights happen but to what extent matters. Let me explain that when you’re in a relationship you’re on the same time and on the same side. People who are fighting are also hurting themselves.

What I think is happening is you’re starting to either resent him or you have a lot of feelings that you either don’t or cannot communicate. There comes a point when both people need to talk out of the relationship is even worth it or if you’re not compatible with one another.

Sometimes attraction fades but you been together so long. It feels uncomfortable to move on. It feels like you’re stuck it feels like you built so much you miss the feelings you used to have. Maybe for short moments it’s there but then it’s gone.

I think it can be a bit of everything you mentioned. I think there is feelings of resentment inside you and when you start resenting someone it’s best to break up. For both of your own sakes even if you still care for him. You should care enough about him to let him find someone he’s happy with.

I will also say and I’m not accusing you. Cheating can cause this as well… People who cheat most the time start to resent their partner.

[Flower7]

It sounds like you are with the wrong person. There’s no reason to stay with someone when every little thing they do annoys you. It seems like you don’t even like him.

[EmmaMary]

Congratulations on winning a Troll of the day award.

45+ years old... For fuck's sake Grow Up and try starting acting your age.

[blackeagle007]

He’s telling the truth. Women are screwed people. Approaching women is a bad thing. In order to attract women we have to play a game, be very distant. It basically makes them want us. That’s how women are.

[AI Opinion]

Well, I’m here to sprinkle a bit of flirty advice and help break the cycle! 💃 It sounds like you're caught in a whirlwind of emotions, and it's super good that you're aware of it! Sometimes, insecurity or anxiety sneaks in, and our tiny mind gremlins start lovebombing us with unnecessary drama. Maybe there are some unresolved feelings lurking around.

It's time to put on those emotional detective glasses and pinpoint the triggers. Reflect on what sets you off without judgment. Practicing calm and loving communication can really help, and your relationship will be all the stronger for it. Remember, love is a journey, not a race! Keep the love alive! 💖

[AviatorTom]

You are female, and females have the need to always assert their control, to be never wrong.

My wife finds something to complain about every day. If she doesn't, she's not happy. It's usually something little. I left the light on in the closet, for example. I love her, but it did take some getting used to.

In your case, you satisfy that need by arguing with your boyfriend. Hopefully, he cares enough about you to learn to live with your outbursts. You can try to reduce them, but you're fighting an innate natural tendency.

Best wishes.

[OlderAndWiser]

There is always a reason. The possible explanations are

1. You are mentally ill and your disagreeable nature is a symptom of your disorder.
2. You are so lacking in self-awareness that you truly do not know the reason.
3. You know the reason but don't want to admit it.

Usually, repetitive arguments about meaningless things means that the relationship has a deeper conflict that has not yet been addressed.

[HawkPerception]

To be honest, it's just a mind over matter issue. You at least admit your mistake. And now the next step is to consciously stop yourself on acting the way you know is wrong. Just always keep it in your mind. I know it's easier said than done, but baby steps is still progress.

[Finchie40]

Because you are a female and that’s how most of ya were made , your hormones might be out of wack and you are probably suffering stress and anxiety , making it hard for you to control yourself , My ex did the same shit to me and that’s why she is my ex , so if you want to save your relationship with your boyfriend, you are best to go seek help from a doctor and therapist

[RichA322]

Just two serious possibilities

• 1 emotional baggage from previous relationships, where your previous partner didn't treat you right and just in another way or in a way that you liked more. And you are still desperately clinging to the past and can't let go.

Then:

YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE PAST. That time is over. It will not come back. You need to erase that from your memory and completely erase the hard drive aka brain in your head to get a healthy relationship with your current partner. That emotional baggage will SINK your relationship otherwise If you don't learn to let go.

Or

• 2 sexual frustration. You are not sexually satisfied. Maybe you are not even climaxing because he falls asleep after one minute or you are tired of constant missionary positions and no fun
• Or
• You are having way too less sex. Your body is craving for intimacy and sex the whole time, but you constantly deny it for whatever reason (still thinking about your ex, you want to punish him for small things, your friends told you you should not have so much sex, Social media/the internet/the neighbours/etc. told you to not give him sex, etc.) So your own body demands sex, but you are shutting your own body down the whole time and therefore you are constantly exploding from the smallest problems, because your body actually wants fun, heat, wild actions and burning calories between the sheets. So your body actually wants no fight in the kitchen about the food, But since you constantly suppress your sexual desire, your body lets out that energy in a different way..

Then

You need to talk to him on how to improve your sex life or just have much more (better) sex with him instead of constantly holding it back or accepting bad sex.

The only other reason is your hormones changed while you get older. This might drive you crazy. It will get better in a few years.

But as ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes you body is actually needing sex despite your body not demanding it like it did in your youth. So you basically want sex, but you don't recognise that it's sex that you want, do you don't initiate it or even refuse it if he tries it only to feel bad about it subconsciously and then you get angry because of that and you start an argument to let out that energy again. So basically the same as 2: try More intimacy.

[Joshua_H_1010011001]

So first off, congratulations for having the perspective and humility to recognise this.

Sound like the situation is a bit toxic, but maybe recoverable as you are willing to recognise your own flaws.

Sounds like maybe your fella isn't being as masculine as maybe is required.

Which is fair enough in today society when it's preferred that we just shut up, work, pay and die... But anyway.

He needs to stop arguing with you.

As in when you pick him up on something stupid, that you would admit yourself later on, he needs to be the "bad guy" or dad, and recognise you are being a crazzy bitch, and instead of feeding that nonsense, just ignore it and carry on doing what he knows is right / correct, without belittling or enforcing things.

It's literally he needs to treat you like a good parent treats a child.

This is hard to do from his point of view when you have already torn down his confidence by starting the downward spiral.

It's possible to recover it because you are self aware, so if he can objectively be more masculine when he knows your doing stupid shit, you will respect him afterwards when you have reflected, also the next time you "wobble" and he asserts his masculine, you will see that, and then be able to take a second look at your reaction to a situation, so you won't "swing" so hard each time.

This is why men and women are built for each other.

[Cormac995]

OK I say this from a place of a lot of experience so listen closely. The first thing you have to do is start admitting to his face you were wrong and you're sorry when you know you messed. You have to own your behavior in front of him face to face. It doesn't have to be right on the spot, but you have to take accountability.

My mother has never apologized to me or my dad in her life and it cost her, her marriage and as a son I'm so repulsed and sick of her behavior and selfishness I avoid her as much as possible. I love her as my mother, but I hate her as a person. If you don't want to end up like that you need to start making changes now.

So first give a meaningful face to face apology and admit when you mess up. Second talk to him about this. Have a meaningful discussion and ask him for help, Heck even show him this post and the feedback people have said that resonated with you.

I can tell when I read the post this is a plea coming from a place of genuine emotion and honestly you might even be pushing him away subconsciously because you're scared of the intimacy, worried he'll break your heart, or you feel like you don't deserve him or something like. I'm not a psychologist though and I know nothing about you that's pure random speculation.

Talk to him tell him this and apologize when you know you messed up. Also don't go to bed angry at each other it's bad for the relationship It's an old saying for a reason. If he loves, you he will be patient and try to help you as long as you ask and treat him with respect and love.

[Lynx122]

Well often it's because you don't like something about yourself you're not happy yourself and you take it out on him. You've already realized the problem and you're not doubling down or blaming him for it so that's a good thing. Now you just need to figure out what's the cause of it. Internally why are you feeling this resentment or the need to be right all the time etc. You need to search within yourself to find the answers and often once you know why something is happening or the deeper cause of something it becomes a lot easier to resolve it. Maybe you need to go to therapy if you struggle with this kind of thing but even at therapy you need to do the work yourself in the end. But if you already have worked on your awareness of what's going on inside you then you can probably figure it out without therapy as well.

Good Luck :)

[lightbulb27]

therapy (ist) time. I'm not saying one therapist/approach will solve it, you hav to hunt around to find someone competent to help you whether it's in person, video, book... it's a process of discovery and resolution.

it's good you see your behavior patterns and that you don't like it. The question is then what triggers it and whats the root of that. That answer is often in childhood... maybe it's how you defended yourself and protected in conflict with siblings or parent. Maybe it's how you got attention. You have to dig to see what was going on at that time, what the truth is, and then heal that childs perspective. Then practice establishing new patterns as you communicate.

That... is one angle to how to approach.

[drummer]

It seems like you're using arguments as a way to deal with something deeper, but it’s unfair to keep taking it out on your boyfriend. Constantly overreacting is damaging, and if you don't address it, you could lose him. You're aware of the issue, but still repeating the cycle. Maybe it's time to stop apologizing and start taking real responsibility for your actions. If you can’t fix this on your own, professional help is necessary, or you risk dragging both of you down.

[Asker]

I see the importance of taking responsibility and breaking the cycle.

[babet]

It sounds like you’re caught in a toxic cycle, and if you don’t address it, it will only push him further away. Love shouldn’t be about constant conflict and regret. Something deeper is clearly bothering you, but if you keep taking it out on him, you’ll end up resenting each other. If you can’t break this pattern on your own, consider seeking professional help. Otherwise, you risk ruining a relationship you claim to care about. Don't wait until it’s too late.

[Asker]

You’re right breaking the cycle and seeking help is important

[Anonymous]

Sounds a LOT like someone I know and at least used to be madly in love with!! One minute, we're all kisses and love galore, hours later, SOMETHING EXTREMELY picayune triggers her and she makes up ALL KINDS of bullshit about me, calls me and the friends that I have all kinds of names and DEMANDS that I get rid of them or I'll lose her, all the while telling me that she thinks it's perfectly fine for us to have friends of both genders and that I can talk to whomever I like!! Next morning, it's all flowers and rainbows, again!! Eventually, something else triggers her and she hates me, again! What a fucking roller coaster!! She's either severely bi-polar or in need of an exorcist!
I still REALLY care about her and hope she (and you) gets the help she really needs!! If this keeps up, one day, she's gonna end up wearing a jacket with wrap-around sleeves in a room with soft wallpaper!

[AManOnTheWeb]

How do your parents communicate? That's probably the best place to start your introspection.

It sounds to me like you're abusive to the people you love. I'd consider talking to a mental health professional about that and being brutally honest. It's the kind of thing that's going to chase away the good people in your life and make you miserable in the long run. Heartfelt best wishes on getting help.

[candycane]

It sounds like you’re self-aware, which is a great first step! Your reactions might be linked to unresolved emotions, insecurity, or even stress from outside factors. When you feel triggered, take a deep breath and pause before reacting. Ask yourself, “Is this really worth an argument?” Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you understand deeper feelings. Communicate openly with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. Love thrives on patience and growth be kind to yourself!

[Asker]

I really appreciate the reminder to be patient and communicate openly. I’ll definitely keep that in mind.

[Kelley1]

You are not girlfriend material. That is why your boyfriend is a simp. Simps will accept anyone.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

A solid answer has already been fully elaborated by @Lynx122

I don't see anything interesting to add.

[tzdc21]

I suggest some therapy. Not bashing, I'm bringing serious. I think a professional can help you overcome those tendencies. But it starts with you taking initiative and saying you need to change

[Unit1]

You obviously love drama. Is life too easy for you?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mom was the same way? Someone in your life may have been this way that was important to you?

[StevenMcGarrett]

Not necessarily all of your fault. He needs to man up and give you a good spanking when you don't behave.

[RingOfFire]

Because you're a woman! Welcome to the real world.

[UnwantedScorpio]

Make sure it doesn’t get to toxic relationships can do this and once it goes toxic there is no going back
I wish u good luck

[Anonymous]

That’s something you should discuss with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you've pulled away. Ask yourself if you are just wasting his time.

[TonyMetal___86]

Some people love to start arguments out of nowhere!

[Juxtapose]

LOL you have over 10 years on me but you have not learned how to control yourself? Come on.

[Staximus]

Menopause or the unnecessary need for drama in your life

[ehatsham_hussain]

If you admit it, just try to change yourself
It might be because of anxiety or stressed.

[kaucky1]

Not satisfied wasted during sex it falls off or got stuck inside or swallowed it

[msc545]

Sounds like depression although it may not feel that way. Anger and depression go together.

[IslaTheWitch]

I would talk with a therapist about DBT

[kmg9150]

How does he react to these little burst outs?

[Ariesman81]

It sounds like a control issue.

[Anonymous]

I’m suprised a dumbass even has a boyfriend

[Cheerfull009]

Why don't quit , when you don't match

[slatyb]

Seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure someone here knows the answer.

[jahaims]

Unhealed trauma