How come he doesn’t want to see me?

[lauraannm1278]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. Things were going very well until May, when he had to watch his parents house when they took a vacation in Europe. Since then, he’s chronically canceled plans on me. We had a big fight about a month ago and he got really mad at me. Since then, I have only seen him twice. We are now on a break and it’s been a few weeks. His behavior confuses me. He’ll go completely silent, then he’ll text me like things are back to normal. This has been on and off for a few weeks now. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what may be going on. I have attempted to ask him and he won’t answer any of my questions. I don’t think it’s only our relationship problems that has kept him away. We go from texting like everything is fine, to his going completely silent on me. I’ve tried to get him to open up. Yesterday we were talking like everything was just fine between us. He asked me by text at midnight if I’ll go to Europe with him to visit his family. This morning I sent a usual good morning message and invited him to dinner. It’s been silence all day except for his response, “not today, sweetie.” Nothing, just that. What the hell is going on? This is how it’s been for a couple weeks now. We talk like things are fine, then silence. I am not sure what to make of this and I have thought that something is going on in his life that he’s trying to deal with.

He’s the sort of person who shuts down when he’s dealing with things. But since he has not communicated to me what’s really going on, I have no clue and I’ve been left confused. What could possibly be going on with him? I know. Most of you will say to dump him. Sometimes that’s not the right thing to do. How do I proceed with this?

Updates

1 y

I forgot to add, twice now he seemed willing to see me and talk about things. We’ve made plans with a time and when that time comes, he’s mad and says he doesn’t want to see me. He gets mad at me, when I haven’t done anything. I think he’s mad in general and is taking it out on me.

Updates

1 y

We had the fight 2 months after he started canceling all the time. That’s what caused the fight.

[AI Opinion]

Oh, love's labyrinth has a way of making us all a bit puzzled, doesn't it? 🌀 It sounds like you're dancing in the shadows of understanding when it comes to your beau's recent behavior. The switch from lovebombing texts to ghosting scenes is indeed confusing, and it's not just you trying to decode Morse code without a key. It's clear there's a deeper issue at play here, something that's causing him to pull you close then push you away, like a tide governed by an unseen moon.

Given that he's a "shut down and deal with it" type when stresses come knocking, it could very well be that there are personal or family issues he's wrestling with, something that he finds difficult to share or doesn't want to burden you with. This sporadic communication and avoidance could be his odd way of trying to keep you in his life without letting you close enough to see the chaos.

How do you proceed? With patience, but also with a sprinkle of assertion. It's okay to gently demand a bit of clarity about where you stand. Next time he reaches out like everything is fine, try steering the conversation to how his hot-and-cold behavior makes you feel. Emphasize your need for open communication and reassurance. If he truly values the relationship, he might open up or at least provide a glimpse into his logic.

Don't rush to "dump him" as the universal solution just yet. Instead, aim for a heart-to-heart where you express your emotional needs while also being prepared to listen. Perhaps suggest taking a break with a clear intention of working on yourselves and then revisiting the relationship with fresh eyes. Remember, even the strongest connections need a little tune-up every now and then. Who knows? This might just strengthen your bond, leading to a more profound understanding of each other. 🌟

[lauraannm1278]

The thing is, I have asked him where we stand and he hasn’t answered me about that. I asked him to clarify things. He hasn’t. I’m so confused. I considered there may be issues going on with his family. Couldn’t he at least tell me that?

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn that really sucks. Not knowing where you stand in the relationship must be super stressful. I don't get why he won't just be straight with you about stuff, even if there are other issues going on.

If it was family problems or something, yeah I'd think he could at least tell you that much so you're not left completely in the dark. The no communication thing is so not cool. At this point after asking multiple times, I'd probably try having like a serious sit-down talk with him.

Make it clear you care about him but the relationship feels really one-sided and confusing right now because he won't be open about anything. Let him know the no answers are hurting you and affecting your trust. If he still won't budge after that, you gotta start thinking about if it's even worth staying in something so vague and stressful.

You need a partner who will be there for you too, not just dump all their problems and stress on you without letting you in to support them. Hopefully an honest chat will at least get you some answers, even if you might not like what he has to say. Just don't let him keep brushing you off - you deserve better than that! Keep me updated on what happens.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, this sounds so frustrating and confusing! It really seems like something bigger is going on with him that he's not telling you about. A few things could be happening:

- He's stressed about something unrelated to your relationship and is withdrawing/acting out as a result. Work, family issues, money problems - anything could be weighing on him.

- If he's had a major shift since watching his parents' place, I wonder if he got into something there like drinking too much or gambling and doesn't want to admit it.

- It's possible he met someone else on that trip and is feeling conflicted or guilty now.

- He could be going through some mental health stuff like depression/anxiety and won't address it.

My advice would be to try talking to him when he's in a calm mood again. Make it clear you care about him but the hot/cold treatment is hurting you. Ask what's really bugging him but don't accuse. See if he opens up at all.

If he still refuses to communicate, you need to think about setting boundaries for your own well-being. Maybe take a full break until he's ready to be honest. It's not fair for him to string you along if something serious is going on below the surface. I hope you can figure this out sis! Let me know if any other thoughts come up.

[lauraannm1278]

The thing is, couldn’t he at least say something like, “I’m going through some stuff right now that I have to sort out. I just want you to know that’s what’s going on.” At least so I am not left so confused?

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. Even just a small explanation like that would be so much better than nothing at all. Leaving you completely in the dark and confused is super lame of him.

I mean, you guys have been together for over 3 years so he owes it to you as his girlfriend to at least give you some kind of heads up that something is going on, instead of just acting all cold and then hot out of nowhere. Just saying "I've got some personal stuff I'm dealing with right now" would at least take some of the stress out of the situation for you.

It's really inconsiderate that he's not giving you even that little bit. Like I get people have their own stuff sometimes, but part of being in a relationship is communicating enough that the other person isn't left hanging all the time wondering wtf is wrong. You deserve better than that after so long together, you know?

I'd definitely try stressing that to him when you have your talk. Be like even just a quick "hey, going through things" text every now and then would make such a difference from this confusing back and forth. Hopefully getting that point across will make him realize he needs to step up his communication at least a little bit. Fingers crossed he comes around and starts opening up more for you. You gotta stand your ground that you're not about to be kept in the dark like this long term.

[Anonymous]

definitely has some resentment built up that he isn't talking about. which is why he's so "hot and cold". "i do love her... oh but ugh that one thing i can't get over years ago..." goes like that probably for several things. plus the addition of this fight that pretty much broke the camels back. i think he may just be trying to think how he wants to move forward, with or without this relationship, he is uncertain

you tell him it is not fair to you to keep getting whiplash if he loves you or not or wants to be with you or not and that you need to know what he's thinking. you'll have to have a very long talk and it may be uncomfortable, but he needs to stop dragging this

[lauraannm1278]

“ I think he may just be trying to think how he wants to move forward, with or without this relationship, he is uncertain”. I have asked him this very thing and to tell me if that’s what’s going on. He never answered me about it. He is not speaking to me about anything that’s been going on. I think there is more than just our relationship.