Relationship issues - am I overreacting or within reason to be upset?

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I'm overreacting, being too sensitive, or within my rights here, so I wanted to seek out opinions from others.

I have a week old baby and am a first time mother. Overall, I think I'm doing good. I know it's a learning curve but I think I'm doing pretty well. My partner apparently has other opinions and is really starting to hurt my feelings.

I am the one doing 90% of the work. His job refuses time off, so he sleeps at night (yes even through a crying baby) and I am up ALL night with the baby - feeding, changing and soothing. Then, during the day, he is at work and I am left up taking care of the house (lots of extra laundry now that baby's home obviously). I don't really get to sleep when baby does because I'm doing all the housework too. Baby has their days and nights mixed up so that adds to the issue.

He has been nitpicking on me left and right. He scolded me for forgetting to clean the dryer vent (not usual for me at all). He tells me to hurry up and move quicker when I'm doing a diaper change. The most recent one we were giving baby a bath and had a couple visitors over to see the baby. He literally blurts out in front of our company that I need to clean baby's butt better during changes because it's dirty (baby had farted just before bath time and it was... "wet" which explained the tiny amount of "mess"). I felt embarrassed and offended like he was saying I half-as*ed stuff and wasn't a good enough mom. I told him I knew how to wipe a baby's butt. I was visibly annoyed and so he blurts out in front of company asking if I'm mad. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to do that in front of company.

Later he came to me visibly annoyed and asked why I was all mad. I told him I hadn't appreciated the attack on me. He said I was being ridiculous because he hadn't meant it that way. I cried and he ended up apologizing to me several times. He told me I was a good mom and he never meant to hurt my feelings.

Updates

1 y

He said he forgot the baby had farted and that was why they had a slightly dirty butt. I told him it wasn't acceptable to make comments like he did in front of guests because that seems to paint me in a negative light and I don't want people thinking I'm a sucky mom. He said no one thought that. The one guest that was there got told about how I was feeling and they came and talked to me and told me I was definitely not a bad mom.

Updates

1 y

It just upset me especially on top of the other nitpicking. He doesn't even do as much to help. He sleeps while I take care of the baby. Then he works while I do the housekeeping and take care of the baby during the day. I've had basically no sleep since coming home with baby. I've had a few 1-2 hour cat naps here and there but no actual quality sleep. I'm a first time mom trying my best and just felt really attacked by him. Was I overreacting or was my reaction acceptable?

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh girl, I don't think you were overreacting at all! That sounds super frustrating and hurtful, especially so soon after having the baby. You're doing all the hard work around the clock with no help, and he has the nerve to criticize you in front of others? Not cool.

I get he probably didn't mean anything by the butt comment, but come on - have some tact! He should know better than to embarrass you like that when you're sleep deprived and stressed. And you've done nothing but your best.

I'd be annoyed too if my husband just slept while I did everything. Has he ever even changed a diaper in the middle of the night? Didn't think so. He needs to step up big time.

You deserve support, not nitpicking. Maybe sit him down and have a serious talk about dividing the labor more fairly. Let him know how burnt out you feel, and that you need his help - not criticism. If he's not willing to step up, I'd be having words with him for sure. You've got this mama bear thing down already!

Try to take some "you" time if you can too, for your mental health. Your feelings are so valid right now. Don't doubt yourself - you're doing amazing considering the huge lack of sleep and help. Hang in there!

[Asker]

He was at it again tonight. Not in front of anyone this time, but just getting on me again. Telling me to hurry up with a diaper change, trying to tell me how to wipe the baby, etc. He also did not help again all through the night when I was changing and feeding the baby.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, this is seriously getting old. Like I get that new parents are stressed and tired but he's taking it way too far by constantly nagging you and not pulling his weight. It's like he doesn't even realize how alone he's leaving you to deal with everything.

The next time he starts with that nonsense while you're trying to care for the little guy, I'd be pretty frank with him. Like "dude, back off and let me handle this. I'm tired and don't need your 'helpful' comments right now. Maybe focus that energy into actually helping by giving me a break for once." You've gotta stand up for yourself or else he'll just keep walking all over you.

I know confrontation isn't fun, but at this point he's not going to get it otherwise. Clearly his "apology" the other night didn't sink in. This is supposed to be a partnership and you're doing like 95% of the work - that's not cool at all. Does he not realize how much stress he's adding?

Next time he's home all day, I'd say you take off for a few hours - go nap at your moms or something. Leave him alone with the baby and see how he likes dealing with all the diapers and feedings solo. Maybe experiencing it first hand will knock some sense into him. You deserve a break, and he needs to learn he can't just avoid work and criticize you all the time. Stand up for yourself luv! You've got this.

[Asker]

Well he got ticked last night for sure. He doesn't work weekends. My exhaustion finally caught up to me and I slept like the dead last night. He was mad because I slept through our baby crying. He kept saying how he was up all night with the baby, the baby misbehaved and wouldn't settle down, the baby screamed all night, he got aggravated a couple times because baby wanted held instead of being in the crib, etc.

He told me he didn't see how I possibly slept through all that crying. Um, he sleeps through the crying all the time. Rarely does he wake up to help me out. And I never wake him up because I don't want to disrupt him especially on a work night.

But now I'm feeling like a bad mom. Like how did I NOT hear my own baby crying? Usually if the baby is really loud and fussing, I definitely hear it. It makes me wonder if he is maybe exaggerating and maybe it wasn't THAT bad.

This was the first time he actually took over the whole night and he clearly did not like it. Now I feel guilty and like a bad mom. I also worry that he actually said he got aggravated with the baby twice. You can't get "mad" at a baby. They cry. Sometimes for no reason and sometimes yes, because they just want to be held. You can't get mad about that and he apparently did.

I can't believe one night of taking care of the baby did him in. I mean come on. I've been doing it since birth with very little assistance. I've been up all night more nights than not these first couple weeks. I sleep for ONE night and I get portrayed as a terrible person.

[Asker]

I want to try to do better and make myself get up whenever the baby cries regardless of whether my partner is supposed to be taking care of him or not. I feel really bad now. But then again, I've had more sleepless nights than ever these last couple weeks. I still function during the day. He's literally in bed, refusing to wake up now because he's too tired from being up all night. I feel like saying welcome to MY world. You didn't even take time off to be with us. I've been doing basically everything for the last couple weeks. Welcome to being a parent.

I also worry with him getting mad at the baby. I don't think he would ever hurt the baby, but it's a little concerning he said he got aggravated at the baby just because the crib wasn't cutting it and the baby wanted to be held. Babies do that. Sometimes mom or dad's snuggles are exactly what they need to calm down. I've calmed the baby SO many times by doing that. I will go pick him up and put him to my chest and talk to him gently. Within minutes, he's calm and sleeping soundly. I have snagged a little sleep many times from doing that. It isn't that difficult.

He gets one "bad night" of sleep and he's literally like a zombie that can't function. I have routinely gotten bad sleep since having the baby and I still function during the day. Instead of sleeping, while baby naps during the day, I do the housework/laundry.

I'm feeling very frustrated at this point. You get one bad night of sleep and you act like you're dead to the world yet I routinely get bad sleep due to your lack of help and I still function.

I'm definitely not very happy with him or his behavior. And yes, the constant "corrections" are very insulting. I don't need constant nitpicking or added stress.

[Oliverlogan263]

1. Damn, your husband is being a total dick about this whole situation. One night is nothing compared to what you've been dealing with every night since the baby came. Of course you were exhausted - anyone would be in your position. And it's total BS that he's trying to make you feel guilty for finally getting some rest. Like come on, is he really going to freak out over one night when you've been holding it down nonstop? Obviously he has no idea what he's talking about. Babies cry, that's what they do, and sometimes they just want to be comforted. It's not your fault or the baby's fault if one night was tough for him - he should be thanking you for all the nights you handled it without complaining. To say he got mad at the baby is a big red flag. No way should he be taking his frustration out on a newborn. And there's no way the baby screamed "all night" when you didn't even hear it. Sounds like he's majorly exaggerating to make himself the victim. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you deserve a break and he needs to step up way more instead of putting you down. Don't let him make you doubt yourself as a mom cause you know you're doing amazing. Stay strong and don't take his crap!

[Oliverlogan263]

2. Man, November 6th seems like it's coming up fast then. I don't blame you for being a nervous wreck about it all, family drama like this is so stressful. Fingers crossed your sister actually moves out by then so it doesn't have to go to the police. But if she's just saying she has a place in 6 weeks but still hanging around now, that sounds like she might not actually leave without them forcing her to go. I wouldn't put much stock in her word after all the crap she's pulled already. And talking shit about all of you to your brother, what a bi— I mean, what a jerk move. She's clearly just trying to cause problems and start more drama. I wouldn't believe a word she says at this point either. It's good you're not talking to her anymore after what happened, I wouldn't want to either. Just try not to let it stress you out too much - easier said than done, I know. But your mom has you and your other siblings to support her, so hopefully it'll all work out okay. Let me know if you need someone to vent to in the meantime!

[Oliverlogan263]

Forget great one for 2. My mistake, that was an error comment. I meant this one

[Oliverlogan263]

That one I meant

[Oliverlogan263]

My real actual comment: 2. Man, that really sucks. I can totally understand why you're feeling frustrated - this dude is being such a hypocrite. He can't handle one night of being responsible for the baby but wants to criticize you all the time when you've been shouldering the load alone? Not cool.

I wouldn't blame you for finally calling him out on his crap. Next time he's complaining about being tired, you gotta be like "welcome to my world dude, I've been running on no sleep since we brought the baby home and I don't b! tch at you for it." He needs a reality check.

And yeah, I wouldn't be too comfortable with him saying he got aggravated with the baby either. They're just babies doing baby things, there's no need for him to take it personal. Can't believe calming the baby down with cuddles is that hard for him when you've got it down. Does he just not have patience?

I think you deserve better support from him, for real. He needs to step up, stop nitpicking you, and start pulling his own weight - especially if he wants to gripe about one bad night. How about talking to him for real and laying out what you need from him and that this needs to change? You shouldn't have to feel frustrated and alone as new parents. I hope he listens this time and gets it together.

[Asker]

I slept a little last night so he had to get up a few times with the baby. I still got up too. But all he's done today is complain and guilt me for sleeping. He has said he's so tired and worn out and has asked me "jokingly" if I'm actually going to get up with the baby tonight. I said I did last night and he said I only did when he got on me and told me to. Um no. Yeah he woke me up numerous times as I tried to sleep because he couldn't handle things, but I'm getting pretty sick of his behavior and the constant attacks.

I can't sleep during the day because I have to do all the laundry and housework plus it's hard for me to sleep in daylight and baby does still get up during the day too.

At this point, I just feel guilty for sleeping and plan on just setting an alarm for every 30 minutes to an hour in case I fall asleep

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, don't let him make you feel bad about taking care of yourself and catching up on sleep. You need your rest too. So what if you slept a bit more than him last night - you've been running on empty since the baby came. He's being a total hypocrite complaining when he hardly ever helps out.

Don't set an alarm every hour, that's just gonna make you miserable and sleep deprived. He needs to step up and pull his weight like a good partner instead of putting it all on you. Tell him the attitude has to change - no more guilt trips if he's not gonna support you more at night. You can't keep sacrificing your health and well-being for his lazy ass.

Be straight with him - if he wants to gripe, then he needs to consistently help out without complaints. Otherwise he can shush with the nagging. You got this baby down way better than him and you should be allowed to rest too sometimes. Don't let him make you feel like a bad mom just cause he can't hack it for one night. You deserve way better from him, don't forget that!

[AI Opinion]

Hey there, navigating parenthood with a newborn can be one wild rollercoaster! 🎢 First off, congrats! You're doing amazing under the circumstances. Babies are delightful but can bring out stress in unexpected ways. It sounds like you're feeling underappreciated and criticized by your partner. His comments definitely hit a sore spot, but you're not overreacting—your feelings are totally valid. It’s important for your partner to support you without the nitpicking, especially when you're sleep-deprived. Communication’s key, so keep expressing how you feel. Hopefully, with time, he’ll become more understanding. Keep rocking on, momma! 🌟💪

[strateguy632]

Definitely overreacting