Wife has friend who wanted to sleep with her. How do I deal with it?

Question

My wife has a friend she's known since high school. All they've ever done is made out back then. No big deal.

She told me last night that he wanted to sleep with her at some point in the near past. This is the first I heard of it. She says she has absolutely no interest in this.

She considers him an important part of her life and will always be his friend.

How do I handle this? I trust my wife but I trust no men. Do I have a very serious conversation with the wife opposing this friendship, or do I let it go. She will never see him in person unless I am there by the way.

Any ideas?
Thanks!

TrueConfection · Accepted Answer

I've dealt with this situation a few times. My husband is a social butterfly and everyone loves him, especially women. Most of his "friends" are women.

We've had to cut a few friends over the years that got too obsessed. It's always an argument because he likes being liked by everyone. I trust him, but it's just gross to have someone ogling my husband. It's a total disregard on both of their parts. We currently have one friend of 15 years who has developed a crush on my husband. It's getting to the point of obnoxious and as much as I don't want to lose a friend, I feel like we have already lost her (my husband will likely object to letting the friendship die).

Anyhow, I competely understand your position. It's a long friendship and it's important to your spouse who still thinks the friendship can be salvaged. If you force him out, she'll call you jealous and resent you. If you don't, you'll likely resent her instead.

I think the first step is getting her to acknowledge the guy's crush is still there. Remind her that she's fabulous and of course the guy has fantasized about her. Then she needs to understand that his mentioning it to her was him acting on his crush with a glimmer of hope that she would reciprocate. Let her know that he has no regard for her husband (of course not), but her continuing to pretend he didn't bring it up is putting you (and herself) in an awkward position. Hopefully you can explain to her that the guy severed their friendship with that admission and it's sad, but your marriage is far more important. She'll have to mourn the loss of that friendship.

I hope things work out. This kind of thing typically takes a few years to get through to my husband so we can move on. I hate when we lose a friend this way.

Ez-Bri-Z_v2 · Accepted Answer

That's a tough one because if I were in that situation, I'd hate losing a close friend especially after I've made it clear I'm not interested. I'd hope he would understand and that would be the end of it.

The bigger question is if you trust your wife to make the right decision about whether she would sleep with him or not. I get that it would be easier for you if he were just not there and wouldn't be competition for your wife's affections, but at some point there has to be trust that she wouldn't do anything with him regardless.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well it's a tough situation for sure. I know that my wife has people and even friends who would like to sleep with her and I have women who would like to sleep with me.
The point is not who wants to do something with your partner, the question is of they want to reciprocate the relationship.
My wife and I both have a female friend coworker of ours, to whom I was even briefly attracted to before meeting my wife. My wife knows it and even my coworker knows it, we all also know that my coworker is attracted to me, but since we're all adults and I trust my wife and she trust me we can talk about it openly and even joke about it.
Hell we once even joked that if my wife would let another women join us, it would be her because we know each other.
But like I said, if your wife doesn't care about it, then it's an issue for the past, if it changes, I hope you'll know. The point is you can only controls what you do and nobody else and if you don't trust your wife, try and figure out why, because that's the bases of everything.
Hope it helps and that you're able to deal with it.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

I like the openness and honesty you have going on, that is healthy. This is the problem with male/female relationships... there is no getting around the reality of... the risk of bonding. Or hormones and emotions can cause a lot of... shall we say... sin!

This guy could have been floating a trial balloon... there is so much self indulgent "garbage" in our society... you can read on this site. That is my suspicion and since phrased in the past, he's being evasive. Or he's being direct it was in the past but no more. I suspect he's a coward. if true, you are very safe and he needs work to find his own mate.

As long as you are there, just say, I admire people that want my wife, but she's taken. get your own wife, get a therapist. I think that issue is put away. if you don't trust this guy... if they drink together or something, then it's a hell no... drop and cancel relationship.

This relationship as it is, may be too close.

your call.

OH... IO!

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Ah, the classic love triangle with a dash of trust issues, spicy! Communication is your best wingman here. Express your feelings openly with your wife, but remember, trust is the foundation of any relationship. If she's committed to you and transparent about her friendship, you've got nothing to worry about. Maybe you’re not BFFs with this dude, but showing trust in your wife strengthens your bond. Keep it light and playful, just like building a relationship fortress made of Jenga blocks – careful, yet fun! 😄 Trust your lady, I believe she’s got this!

DishLady · Answer

His wanting to sleep with her shouldn't be a shocker to you. YOU want to sleep with her. Obviously she's attractive and has many other qualities that appeal to a guy.

HOWEVER that doesn't mean SHE wants anything more than a friendship from him NOW bc she's committed to YOU... So don't dwell on it too much or make a big deal out of it, otherwise she might feel like you're pushing her away... and towards him.

Finchie40 · Answer

You tell her to end her friendship with him if she wants to continue this marriage with you , Her friend is clearly not a friend , he wants more than firmedship with your wife , Tell your wife how would she feel if you had a close girlfriend that wanted to have sex with you , How would she feel about that?

AviatorTom · Answer

She has let you know she is not interested in him, and you trust her. What's the problem? Do you want to go beat him up? Enjoy the relationship you have with your wife, sounds like a good one.

Malemajor · Answer

It’s important to understand that your wife telling you this may not just be a casual confession — it could also be a way to gauge your reaction, subtly remind you she’s still seen as desirable, and even test your confidence in the relationship. Women sometimes do this unconsciously, but it’s still a form of psychology at play.

If you react with panic, jealousy, or a controlling tone, it can have the opposite effect — making her feel like you’re insecure or don’t trust her, which can push her closer to defending this friendship even more strongly. If you react too passively, she might read that as indifference.

The best approach here is to project calm confidence and show, through your actions, that you are a man with options, self-respect, and boundaries. This doesn’t mean seeking revenge or playing tit-for-tat — that’s a fast way to damage trust. Instead, maintain your own social life, pursue your interests, and make sure she sees you as a man other women value. When a woman knows she’s with a man who could choose others but chooses her, respect and attraction tend to stay high.

Set clear boundaries for what makes you comfortable in her friendships with other men, but communicate them with composure, not accusation. You can say something like, “I trust you, but I also protect the space we have. I’m fine with friendships, but if another man is openly expressing interest, that’s a different line.”

In short: stay confident, don’t overreact, live as someone who has choices, and calmly draw the boundaries you need to feel secure. That combination works far better than panic or passive acceptance.

Keyboardkat · Answer

Why is he an "important part of her life" when she has you? There's a line in the marriage ceremony, isn't there, that says, "Forsaking all others"? Having too close a friendship with a member of the opposite sex can cause a crack in your relationship. He has no business being in her life. The fact that he propositioned her indicates that he wants a lot more than a "friendship." It also indicates that he does not respect the marriage bond. Most men will not proposition a married woman, out of respect for her husband, if not for her. This guy is lacking in character. If she was so important to him years ago, why didn't he marry her then, when she was available? I find this a dangerous situation.

Date_a_Snob · Answer

I can't tell you the number of guy friends I have who've developed feelings for me. I would never act on it. I love my husband. Still it's a nice compliment.

She probably just takes it as a compliment. Nothing more. She can't control how they might feel about her. re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

PreferNot2Say · Answer

Divorce her if she doesn't cut off all contact with him. Men and women CANNOT be "just friends" and this proves it. In my personal life I don't have female friends and especially those that I'm attracted to. It's not fair to their husbands. Marriage is tough enough without having someone secretly undermine it and yes we as humans do try to manipulate situations to benefit ourselves. It's human nature. That dude needs to disappear and she should never have contact with him ever again. He blatantly crossed the line and now that she's actually admitting to his feelings for her, I'm 99% sure this isn't the first time they've had that conversation since you've been married to her, she's only now telling you because she's curious about having sex with him and she's fishing for your approval.

Altheavas · Answer

I’m found myself in similar situation too, I always distance/gaslight sincerely in good way from my male friend when in relationship. I ask them to be respectful to my relationship. If they’re actual friend some boundaries as those should be assumed, or reminded.

In my point of view. That’s disrespectful to you, and to your marriage. I would let her make a choice she can choose the most important person in her life.

If I was a male, I would give her a momentum.

katiesmuff · Answer

She said she has no interest in sleeping with him, but still wants to keep as a close friend. There is something wrong in her head. At best he'd become a distant friend, certainly not close and for him to tell a married woman that makes him a complete asshole.

jojouzumaki · Answer

For me, when that friend said that it simply means he don’t respect her and you are somewhat invisible. By her telling you that he is important part of her life at the same time re assuring you that she’s not interested. It is disrespectful on you. The most and only important man in her life should be JUST YOU. If she values you truly, she would cut off that so called friend.

You let her know how you feel and that bothers you. Anyone that destroying your peace and your marriage life should be cut off.

red-lipstick-girl · Answer

Lisede bir arkadaşım vardı, onunla çok iyi anlaşıyorduk ama lise 4. sınıfı geçtiğimde tuvalete geldi ve benimle olmak istediğini söyledi. Hayatımın en kötü günüydü. Hemen banyodan çıktım, okul bahçesine gittim ve ağladım. Bu asla kabul edilemez. Bence karınızın o adamla tanışmasına asla izin vermemelisiniz.

NathanDavis · Answer

you are 60 dude...

high-school was over 40 years ago, lol

even if you consider the worst case scenario... if something happened, probably happened decades ago... or, if it has been happening... I assume you've been happy for decades so why bother now... lol

Axel1969 · Answer

I really have to say it's great she was honest and told you but let's put the shoe on the other foot and that conversation would have already been over with you having to make a choice between your friend or your wfe!!! Her friend is just waiting for the one slip up and it's going to happen. Sorry man but if that was me and that's her answer well then I would have mine she has already picked him over you!!! In the end your the one with the answer on what to do..

puracandela88 · Answer

The fact that she told you is positive sign. However, you can talk to her and let her know how you feel about it. I had this very same situation a month ago. I spoke to my friend through text about how inappropriate it was and showed my boyfriend so he would believe me. You will still be jealous of him just ask her to not message him while you are around or speak about him until you can control your emotions. Its working out for us. If she told you its because she respects you.

JennaFox · Answer

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a frustrating situation. However, communication here is not only a cliché advice but a must – your wife shared this for a reason so you have the right to ask more about it. She must have known the consequences of telling you this. The reason (was she asking for more attention? Is she uncomfortable with the friendship and needs help on how to proceed? Is she hinting at wanting more?) is important but my personal opinion is that the moment she chose to share this, it would be disrespectful to keep being close to this friend since now you know his intentions.

Anonymous · Answer

That's inappropriate. He's a back up guy for her. Whenever you guys have a tough time as happens in the relationship or he has tough time he will use the opportunity to try to put moves on her and the fact that she keeps this guy around means she may want that.

I had a guy friend Tey this. He was always critical of my husband and tried to tell me lies about him all because he thought he'd get sleeping with me.

fivebyfour · Answer

Your wife has said she has no interest in sleeping with this guy, he sounds like a bit of a creep imho,,,

My take is that your wife is confirming her commitment to you, and has disclosed this matter because she trusts you and needs some support in dealing with this situation,,,

You are a very lucky man!,,,

Caroline91 · Answer

That's not friendship. I'm wondering what reaction your wife was wanting from you. What do you think you should do about it? What are your boundaries for your marriage? A wife doesn't just tell her husband something like that for no reason.

Account · Answer

That is not a friend. That is a guy who wants to sleep with her. I can guarantee you that if a man and a woman are actual friends none of them sees it in a sexual way. You have every right not to want her to associate with him.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like lots of dynamics here.
First one I noticed was she is self sabotaging things because she’s wanted things to end for quite some time, it was just a matter of how and when. Second one I noticed is she appears to fluently speaks of this guy openly as if to make you accept it’s what her life is on her terms. Third one I observed is she’s the one pointing out how your two new lives are going to be adapting to her playful admiration to this guy.
Forgive me if I read too in-depth & you seem to have some answers and feed back that you can branch off of for your own best interest.

Shamalien · Answer

Wife…okay if you were just dating and she had a friend who wanted to fuck her and actually expressed that, that is still not amazing, and I would say it’s reasonable to ask they don’t hang out alone, so only in the full friend group.

Married though? I don’t think a married woman should entertain a “friend” who wants to fuck her

HighValue · Answer

Being friends with someone that they had an intimate past with or that wants to sleep with them is disrespectful and totally inappropriate. She is completely in the wrong. If it was me, I'd end the relationship. She is a bad immoral person for continuing to be "friends" with him.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

I don’t see a problem here. Since you guys are married and has a couple friend… so what’s the issue?

Sevenpointfive · Answer

are you into the idea of cuckolding? it's not for everyone and i wouldn't do it myself, but guys do it to make their wives happy. i've been the guy that fucks the wife. it was a strange experience for me because that was before cuckolding was a term.

FreyaRed · Answer

"... I trust my wife but I trust no men..." Well, when you trust her that much you shouldn't worry.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

You can trust her but I would question anyone who thinks a guy who clearly wants to fuck her is actually friend material..

Anonymous · Answer

I don't see anything disconcerting about the fact that he wants to sleep with her. A lot of guys want to throw it a woman who's already committed. What I do find a little concerning is that she felt the need to inform you of it. She wanted you to know for some reason.

LinkxPeach · Answer

If she told you this while you was still married, tell him to move on, and what he’s doing is wrong. If he continues, maybe you should call the police that he’s threatening both you, and your wife’s life by trying to have sex with your wife, and that it wouldn’t be fair that you will do jail time for killing someone for being a slut of Satan by trying to have sex with your wife.

abc3643 · Answer

I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Good job.

TheCoffeeisHot · Answer

As long as he respects the fact that she's your wife, then I don't see anything wrong with it and I'd just consider it something that is not real, since it would never happen. This of course would require that you trust your wife.

In_Trance · Answer

They're not friends and they need to end all contact now.

Nikki1989 · Answer

You stop being so insecure and get over it.

exitseven · Answer

you need to trust her until she gives you a reason not to.

bunny_luv · Answer

well he made his intentions clear and i would be upfront with your wife about that... as in why does she think that's acceptable.

tzdc21 · Answer

Most guy friends of women want to sleep with them. As long as your wife makes it clear that she has no interest in him whatsoever sexually or relationship wise, then you should be good

saraupstairs · Answer

A code red might be in order.

snermcger · Answer

Is he rich? If so, that mortgage may be closer to a payoff than you think.  He gets a little dream tail and you finally get some wiggle room in the bank account.

Reymundo41 · Answer

I think she's keeping him on the hook for attention and validation. First of all, do what you think is right, but I think voicing your concerns is the least you can do

jahaims · Answer

She doesn't respect you if she keeps around guys that want to fuck

MrPiercedD · Answer

If she insisting that this guy needs to be her friend then show her divorce papers. She already made her mind even though she is saying something different. You will have nothing but problems about that.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

How do you deal with it? Simple have a threesome.

Wiredone · Answer

She has no interest in sleeping with him and you trust her. Leave it alone and move on with life. If the friend starts getting a little pushy, put him in his place

Anonymous · Answer

Start transferring assets into family members' names, take some work demotions, get some hobbies, get back in the gym.

noohair · Answer

Wow. Well I see this as this man has no respect for you and that would be my first issue. And I would ask your wife is she can be friends with someone that that has no respect for her husband?

anon1903 · Answer

He's dangerous. To her and your relationship.

ihateTaylorSwift · Answer

if it's a one time thing only then yeah sure y not Otherwise it's gonna be a problem

Staximus · Answer

I would tell that dude he better take a hike if he doesn't want to see the dentist🤜💥😵🦷🦷🦷

Alex-Snow · Answer

Good for you trusting her. Just remind her not to let the friendship get carried away.

msc545 · Answer

Let her deal with this and don't make an issue out of it, or she may very well sleep with him anyway.

driven159 · Answer

but they didn't so forget about more important things to think about

seeyounexttuesday · Answer

She ends the relationship with him or you. Her choice

Open-minded99 · Answer

Talk to her and see what's going on.

Anonymous · Answer

Couples in their 50s still have sex?

Twalli · Answer

You're good. No need to worry about it.

TheKillerJason · Answer

Tell her he has to block him

mynameisbabygirl · Answer

life is too short you must divorce

Wife has friend who wanted to sleep with her. How do I deal with it?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

Wife has friend who wanted to sleep with her. How do I deal with it?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.