Last night I yelled at my wife, and I dont know what to do, Please see situation below?

Question

This is what happened. My wife and i were watching the Chiefs game. The last moments were epic, the failed field goal that won the game was awesome. My wife was rolling on the floor doing what looked like the worm doing excessive celebration. She very nearly knocked the table that held her laptop over. I voiced my concern, i said "Wife's name! Stop you're going to break your laptop!" Twice but she failed to pay attention. On the Third time i Shouted it (the yelling). That got her attention and got her to stop. It was the first time i ever raised my voice at my wife in our marriage of 12 years. First time. She was not angry at me. She understood (small thing about the laptop, it was an early Christmas gift and cost me 2500 dollars), and was not mad at me. But i can't shake the feeling like i feel like a piece of shit. that i some how abused her in that situation. The reason for these feelings, Every parent i have ever had (mother and father) screamed at me when i did or didn't do something they wanted. They were also physically abusive. I am terrified of becoming them. I am so damn angry at my self.

What do i do?

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

the root of that would be fear... fear of damaging something expensive which would cause more discomfort. It's disicpline, to prevent further pain. That's what most laws are... even the 10 commandments... are there to prevent pain and suffering.

I think you just grew up some. yes your parents yelled and it made an impression on you, but you managed it.

You can decide not to value money so much or others suffering. that means you don't care as much.

I don't see a problem, your fear of becomming them is not founded.

if it festers into other areas, maybe there's frustration that needs addressed. Maybe people aren't listening to you or disrespecting you. Maybe you are personalizing things that aren't about you. I've had to sort through things like this... and learn to let go.

Even God and Jesus and other wise sages gave rules and guides... and people don't listen. How much they yelled at others, and they don't listen. At some point, ya turn and walk away until ya hearing the screaming and misery. Then decide, if you want to re-engage and deal with the suffering and sadness. All can do then is console the other person when their $2500 computer and or not backed up data... is gone!

you're ok.

zayndan · Accepted Answer

I understand how you feel. You feel guilty as though you've done something wrong. You feel this way because you associate shouting and yelling as something wrong/terrible. But in reality, shouting and yelling are sometimes necessary as in your case, and other times it bad. You need to learn and come to understand what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, or else your mind will always condemn you every time you shout. I mean, even Jesus shouted at times lol. Trauma is a hell of a thing. If u can't navigate this own your own, seek Profesional help (counseling, behavioral therapy)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Given your history, its easy to understand why you feel like a POS and are/were triggered by this incident, but this is NOT abuse. Yelling to stop someone in harms way, yelling to stop an accident from happening, yelling because someone can't hear you over the noise, and yes, even occasionally yelling when you are really upset, is NORMAL. The intention behind it was not to put your wife down, it was not to scream because you wanted to be in control of her, it was not saying really abusive negative things to her...it was because you didn't want her to knock over a laptop.

If you are feeling troubled or perhaps didn't realize how much your childhood affected you, I would suggest both checking in with your wife and letting her know your feelings on this as well as seeking counseling if you're still struggling with your past.

sage2021 · Accepted Answer

Give yourself permission to never yell at her again!

Once someone yells at a person, and they get away with it, it might be easy to do it again.

Clearly that is not what either of you want in your marriage.

Don't beat yourself up about it. She should have listened to your asking her to stop the first time and you would have never yelled at her.

Have a conversation with her and ask her to please listen to what you are saying the first time and don't keep doing something three times because my voice will get louder because I don't know if you heard me.

Angelo75 · Answer

Well the very fact that you came to talk about it is a very very VERY good sign.
You're very cautious about it and that is a good thing to have. It's what keeps us men in check in our own heads.

The fact though that she's not your child but your wife, means you're equals in the marriage. This means that even though it might have been for a good reason, you MUST show her respect by making a conversation about it and apologize to her.

You're both grown-ups so it shouldn't become a big issue.

Just be happy... VERY happy that she enjoys watching a game so much.

Anonymous · Answer

Although neither of you did anything wrong here, you can plan to avoid the situation in the future if you don't like it.

I have a toddler, and to get her or my wife's attention quickly from a distance (or through loud noise) I yell a specific phrase in a specific tone of voice. This avoids needing to yell their names or accidentally sounding angry while yelling, but it is still unique enough to cut through a crowd and be immediately recognizable.

We had a similar situation to yours early in our marriage, which prompted us to set this up. We call it the family codeword (because safeword has too many... associations).

MemeSupreme · Answer

nah you're cool ik it sucks anytime feeling like your parents but you had reason and control so dw you're not. and it's not like you yelling is common either

Unit1 · Answer

You made her listen and protected her in a way, that involved more discipline at that time. It's fine. Just don't do it when it's uncalled for.

Juxtapose · Answer

Shit happens man, sometimes people yell at each other. Just tell her how you feel like you told us.

LiamJHayden · Answer

I'd be more concerned about going crazy about a game, but just apologize.

lorenzomichael · Answer

That’s great but who are the Chefs? But listen Why didn’t you just grab the laptop to keep it from falling and let her continue celebrating? Do you know what works? just tell her you’re sorry.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

How did she respond after?

Radiate143 · Answer

This has to be fake.

jimmy2 · Answer

9 and 0 baby

Last night I yelled at my wife, and I dont know what to do, Please see situation below?

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