She reached out after all this time, but isn't saying sorry? What should I do?

[ManOnFire]

Well, GaG. Looks like I will need all the help I can get on this one. I am honestly puzzled and unsure of what to do here. This is the second woman I used to know who has reached back out to me in the same year as another one, both of whom I guess still felt bad about how they acted and couldn't get it off their mind. But this one sends a text wishing me well blah blah blah and then saying it's okay if I don't want to respond.

Things fell apart with her a few years ago when she acted like a complete shithead and was not sorry for it and is still not saying sorry for it, she just wants to hear from me. I'm honestly unsure of what to say. I don't like situations where someone wants to speak to you out of the blue after so long and then just thinks everything should be swept under the rug. I am unsure of whether she really misses our friendship, is sorry for what she did, or is just looking back my way because she can't find anyone else.

I really welcome any advice you guys have.

Updates

1 y

Thank you guys for the great answers.

[HollyK21]

Depends on a few factors, in my opinion.
For one, how do you feel about the situation? Is there a grudge on your end? You wouldn’t be wrong for the grudge based off how she acted, but if you do want her back in your life and the grudge holds you back, then that brings me to the next factor: a conversation — are you interested in having one? I am the same way when it comes to people trying to reenter my life after a bad fallout with them disrespecting me (I have gone through that too). They don’t just get to have me in their life again and move on without acknowledging their wrongdoings.


To me, taking accountability and being able to apologize for something is a level of emotional maturity that I require from my friends. Why? Because I know how to get my ass off my shoulders and apologize and so should they. Doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 weeks or 2 years, wrong is wrong.




All this to say, if she’s really a friend worth having, she contributes to your growth and betterment as friends should, then bring up that topic and clear the air. That’s the only way to move forward.

[ManOnFire]

Yes, I still don't feel good about how she acted and that she isn't saying sorry. On the one hand there are definitely things I miss with her and ABOUT her, but there were other things too that were something of a dark cloud over my days that I don't miss, and I fear that reconnecting with her will just bring all those things back.

The only thing I've said so far is only a reply to her wishing her well too, and nothing else. I don't really think I want to even have a conversation with her about what she did, because even if I do and she's sorry for it, it doesn't mean she won't do something else shitty again, and doesn't mean her old problems won't come back into my life either.

[HollyK21]

Yeah, and that’s what it really comes down to, like if she ultimately isn’t a good person to have in your life then you are better off stepping into the new year without her.

[sage2021]

She's probably being sentimental because it's Christmas time and it has her rendering old times.
Some people are very sentimental and I am one of them.
Since she was a total shithead to you and wasn't even sorry - then I wouldn't respond to her. She probably thinks that YOU will forgive her by now and mend things. But really all she's doing is cashing out on her guilt insurance to make herself feel better, not you!
You've moved on, so just stay moved on! Sometimes we think that if enough time passes that we think the person has changed. Well, more times than not, they haven't gotten better during the time away from you.
You could see her for a while, then that old familiar feeling comes back and you say to yourself "She hasn't changed. She's still a shithead and where's the door so I can get the heck away from her"?

[ManOnFire]

Yes! I was thinking all this too! Especially the Christmas time part and worrying how to get back out of it if I were to start seeing her again. I think you're right.

[sage2021]

@
ManOnFire
You know me well enough by now to know that I have a pretty good handle about most things. And since I am a woman and it's Christmas I would probably think that you wouldn't say no to her BECAUSE AFTER ALL - IT'S Christmas TIME!!🎀🎁🎄

[ManOnFire]

Except that she is also a woman and shows herself to be desperate and lonely and needs a warm body during Christmas time lol

[sage2021]

@ManOnFire
If she needs to be warm she can sit by the fireplace 🔥

[ManOnFire]

Exactly.

[sage2021]

https://youtu.be/ZSM3w1v-A_Y?si=TTIl2qKVmObsewql

Here's a great song for you to listen to!

You might have to tap on it a few times ok?

[ManOnFire]

I know this song all too well lol

[sage2021]

Thank you for the MHO 🙂🧁🌷

[ManOnFire]

You keep it real with your experience and knowledge, and that's hard to find in today's world and even less on GaG.

[sage2021]

Thank you for your kind words about me. I appreciate you taking your time to say such a nice compliment to me 🙂
Yes, I believe that I have lived long enough now to have gained a lot of life experiences and that's one reason I enjoy coming on this website and sharing my real life experiences with you.
I have always been an inquisitive person and deliberately seeking knowledge and understanding of this life and people and different things.
And because of your words you wrote to me I can see that my seeking out knowledge is actually worth it now.
Thank you!🙂

[BCRanger10]

I had a similar situation a few years ago.

This girl I'd gotten tangled up with strung me along for close to a year. In our last confrontation with each other, she said some of the worst things to me that anyone has ever said to me. To give you an idea of just how void of dignity, confidence, and integrity I was and how manipulative she was, I apologized to her. Within six months of us ending, she was pregnant and engaged. In that order.

Five years later, she sent me a friend request on Facebook. I checked her profile and saw that she was getting ddivorced. I'd thought about sending her a message telling her "you're on your own this time". In the end, I just ignored her.

I'd advise you to do the same. Chances are that you're just leftovers, a backup, a "plan B" or something. People can and do change, they can and do regret what they've done and try to make things right, but you've also got your own heart to look after. And how trustworthy is a message like that completely out of the blue?

[ManOnFire]

Wow. What a situation you had. Women can be so plotting when they're lonely and need a man's company.

You are absolutely right. I did end up responding to her and just saying hope everything is well for you too, but said nothing else. And I won't say anything else from here on.

[BCRanger10]

There's a lot more to the story, but my post was going to be too long 😆 But yes, generally, it's better to let things like this be.

[ManOnFire]

You are free to tell the story, dude! I don't mind.

[BCRanger10]

The biggest thing was that she used her adoptive father, who was actively dying of cancer, as an excuse to stir up drama.

The context there is that when things seemed like they were heading in a good direction, she disappeared for two weeks with no warning or explanation. She didn't communicate with me or her (at the time) best friend at all, though she was still posting in Facebook. So she was ignoring us. I didn't know what was going on until she posted a photo of her at the hospital with her dad. He died two or three days later.

I say she was using him because, again, she was openly posting on social media. During our last argument, she said things that contradicted each other, or things she'd told me before, or what she later told her friend (yeah, she kept relaying things to me later; it was all so juvenile 🙄). Then she also said "I needed you to leave me alone at the worst possible moment and you couldn't". I couldn't because I didn't know.

[ManOnFire]

Yeah, she sounds like a complete player or con artist. I hate those kinds of women, and then trying to project it on to you as if you did something wrong so she could use it an excuse to drop you.

Earlier she mentioned she got a divorce. I'm glad whoever he was is now free of her.

[Anonymous]

it's the last option where she's looking back your way because she can't find anyone else. if she misses friendship, it wouldn't take this long and women never apologize for their feelings

she sees you as a last option. don't fall for it. if you need more confirmation, compare yourself now to yourself back then. are you doing better in life? women reaching out to men over time is inevitable when it was reverse during their younger years

[ManOnFire]

You speak truth. Yes, I am definitely doing better now than then.

[MissTrix]

Let it go or brag how good you have it now. She just wants to hear from you and get your attention that she misses

You said it yourself she is not saying sorry and will do the same thing again if given the chance.

Best thing is ignoring her letting her know it's not acceptable but she will do it again any ways to someone else.

[ManOnFire]

Right. I think the same thing. First I had drafted out a whole text and then ultimately decided on just keeping it short and sent one with a hope everything is well with you too, and nothing more. On the one hand now I regret that since reading your answer, but on the other hand it might also be good in that it shows I'm not miserable or bitter anymore, but I still don't think I want to be friends anymore either.

[MissTrix]

Nope no more friends you can't trust them any

[KrakenAttackin]

She treated you poorly because she wanted you to breakup up with her (so she could play victim), while she chases the guy she really wants. Now she is coming back because Chad rearranged her guts 500 times than dumped her.

You need to play nice to bang her several times than walk. Fuck her.

[ManOnFire]

I definitely think one of the Chads she was sleeping with back then (and she did sleep with guys on a reel) probably burned her, and she's lonely now. I kept telling her back then to stop fucking with these guys who don't mean you any good, but of course she is a woman and women will not listen to reason, especially from guys they think are just too decent.

[KrakenAttackin]

Exactly. Do not allow her to come back because you are a distant third or fourth choice and she wants "stability". Don't be that guy. Do bang her brains out.

[Vegasrunner]

This is actually pretty simple. Respond w/ a place and time to meet in person and leave it at that. What a woman says is only a reflection of how she's feeling at that time.

[ManOnFire]

"What a woman says is only a reflection of how she's feeling at that time."
I notice this a lot too, that's why when that feeling has passed for them, they're no longer interested. God, you have got some knowledge, my guy.

[Vegasrunner]

@ManOnFire TY for the kind word. You also have a good grasp on female nature. It just takes time and experience to learn, ironically most men don't interact non platonically w/ women so they struggle to understand them, more importantly they rarely are in a position to capitalize on their knowledge. You are in a perfect position to. She reached out to you because she's thinking about you. That means you've done something right. Now capitalize by putting her feet to the fire, lot of times in this spot women are looking for guys to be their emotional tampoon, and go back in forth wi/ no real plan. Don't do that send one strong message and wait for am answer to your question. She may even try to distract you by saying things like, h"ow have you been" ignore it and focus on what you want. GL.

[Ariesman81]

Hook up only