How to get boyfriend to relax his "household rules" for one day?

[Anonymous]

So, my boyfriend of about 9 months recently inherited a house from his grandfather - quite a nice, big house for someone in their 20s.

His family lives across the other side of the country and he won't be seeing them until the new year because of work, so I invited him to have Christmas day with my family.

He liked the idea, and even volunteered to host, as his house is quite large. I ran it by my family and he agreed, so we all planned who would cook what, bring what etc

Now, my boyfriend is an atheist, as am I, but my parents are devout christians.

Two issues.

One, my boyfriend, I don't know how he found out, but he told me to make sure my mother does NOT gift him a picture of Jesus for Christmas - she was visiting his new house and made a comment how his fireplace shelf would be perfect for a picture of Jesus, and he just laughed it off, a bit uncomfortably. I know my mother and yeah, she will have a picture for him, I guarantee it. I don't know how to tell her not to, I'd rather he just accept it and only bring it out when he visits.

Two - he has "rules" for mealtimes in his house - no discussion of religion, politics, or conspiracy theories. He really hates all three, and does not like to discuss them, especially at meal times. I told him it's Christmas, and that people will inevitably talk about such things at a family gathering, but when he created the Facebook event and invited everyone, he put those stupid rules in the post, with the one exception - he will allow someone to say grace before we eat if they so desire. I confronted him on this and told him how those rules are unfair, and he feels he's being accomodating.

I really don't know what to do about all this, especially as I want to move forward in our relationship, and move in one day, I don't want to have to live by those rules and for my mother to feel she can't share her faith.

Thoughts? Ideas? I think he's being over the top unfair.

Updates

1 y

I think a lot of you are being inconsiderate of my family's feelings, especially my mother.

Also, he has completely banned smoking anywhere on his property - inside the house, the back patio, and even in the yard, he said if people want to smoke, they do it off his property, which I think is too far - inside yes, but for family gatherings, he should allow it on the back patio

Updates

1 y

Well it went off pretty smoothly with the exception of one incident, one of my aunts went outside to smoke and he asked her to take if off property and she was all "are you serious? I don't want to go stand there by myself" and he told her then she can't smoke, that caused a minor argument but she ended up just putting it out and muttering some shit about "I'll smoke later".

Mum admitted she did have a jesus picture planned but decided against it, she'll try again when I move in.

[MzAsh]

No I think your boyfriend is doing the smart thing, honestly. He’s setting boundaries early in an environment with your family he already knows will be toxic if he allows it. Religious and political talk would be a bad, bad idea in this situation. It’s best that it’s clear it’s off the table.

[MzAsh]

In other situations, I’d have told him to chill but your mother with the Jesus picture, absolutely not. She’s already been disrespectful with her comment, knowing he’s an atheist.

[Levin]

tbh, sounds like your boyfriend is a bit autistic there. Guy needs to chill a bit.

But I feel sorry for you, cause it's like you're in the middle or some kind of mediator.

I think you need to explain to your mother that your boyfriend is not religious, and although well intentioned, the gift would not be appropriate.

And you need to have a chat with your boyfriend, that he needs to chill and he can't control other people's behaviour all of the time. Good luck with that one, though. If you can find an artful way to do it, well good on you.

[admles]

Boyfriend has NO OBLIGATION to relax anything.

He has made concessions already by allowing to say grace.

His rules for discussion are quite reasonable, and quite common - those are three topics that almost always end up in fights, and people can go without discussing them for one day.

He is also right about the jesus pic - your mum gifting that is essentially pushing religion. How would she like it if someone gave her a pic of say, Satan, or Buddha, and wanted her to display it? Would she? Of course not.

[PeachyPie93]

Why are you guys having Christmas anyways if you don't even believe in god its a religious holiday? Secondly if you are already having petty disputes over things like these, which I get because I wouldn't want someone pushing their religion on me even a partners parent. Then I don't think it will work out in the long run. Best to break up because these small things you notice now always turn into big things later on in relationships.

[AI Opinion]

Well, lovebug, you're in quite a pickle, aren't you? 😆 Balancing respect and personal boundaries can be tricky. Your boyfriend's got his invisible "household rulebook," and you're trying to scribble in a little festive freedom.

He seems like a guy who likes to keep his space comfy without religious or political sparks, even during the holidays. Maybe a fun compromise could be the name of the game! 🎲 Suggest a "Top Shelf Day" where rules are out the window, along with any awkwardness, on holidays like Christmas. As for the Jesus painting, perhaps a gentle hint to mom about keeping your boyfriend's style in mind could avoid the gift snafu. If they knew each other's perspectives, they might just surprise you with their understanding.

So, sprinkle some humor into the discussion, generously toss in lots of love, and hopefully, his rules will melt away just like snow! 😜

[AviatorTom]

His rules sound reasonable. They're not much different than the rules my family tries to enforce at family get-togethers.

As for the picture, don't tell your mother anything. Tell your boyfriend it's best to just accept the picture. He doesn't need to display it if he doesn't want to, once your mother leaves.

[AviatorTom]

Per your update...
His house, his rules., and you and your family should respect them. If you don't want to do thst, then have Christmas somewhere else.

[BCA6010]

I'm just going to put it bluntly: if y'all can't deal with each other's families over petty reasons for what's an insignificant amount of time in the scale of things, then you shouldn't be hosting, and you should probably think about whether or not this is going to work out in the long run.

[slatyb]

Does your mother know that you and your boyfriend are not religious? Your boyfriend has no obligation to keep that from her.

[HelpfulWoman]

fuck nah. your boyfriend deserves better than you who can't respect him or his values.
tell your mum to fuck off with a picture of jesus.

[HelpfulWoman]

IT. IS. HIS. FUCKING. HOUSE.
if you want someone to deal with a god botherer like your mother, DATE A GOD BOTHERER.
I REEEEEEEEEEEEAAAALLLY hope he finds better. You're trashy.