How do I encourage my boyfriend to help with household chores without causing an argument?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and are currently living in a studio flat at a student accommodation while I finish my degree and he does his masters. We’ve been living together for most of our relationship but moved into the same flat about 6 months ago.

Since my boyfriend is working pretty much all the time - sometimes 8 days a week from as early as 9 to as late as 8pm - the majority of tasks such as cleaning, laundry etc fall to me. Granted he does sort out dinner most of the time, but if I want a proper home cooked meal that isn’t oven chips or takeout I have to do it myself.

I’m dealing with my own issues including depression, chronic stress and health problems, so most days even getting out of bed is a struggle never mind doing chores as well. As well as this I’m in uni most days, and the only few days I have off are spent doing chores so I never get time to actually relax. Whenever I bring it up with my boyfriend he says he’ll try to do more to help, but this isn’t the point - he shouldn’t just be helping me, it should be a shared responsibility to keep the place clean and tidy. Even when he does offer to help, he usually leaves it until the last minute because he prioritises his free time for gaming and talking to his friends etc, and then I’m still the one nagging him to make sure the task gets done.

The problem is he just doesn’t see the responsibility to clean from the same perspective I do. I’m very OCD about keeping things tidy, and he knows I struggle with this. I know it’s not his job to do things to my standards, as the OCD is something I have to deal with by myself, but it would be nice if he could do the simple things like picking up clothes off the floor and doing laundry occasionally.

[Shizunk]

This is a matter of negotiation. What you don't want is you telling him what should be done and him reacting. You want to make it a debate about a middle ground. He knows you want more, you know he wants less. Somewhere in between is probably a good idea. Living in piles of mess is simply not fair towards you, even if he doesn't mind. You correctly point out that he can't be expected to care as much as you do.
You want to ask him questions. He already told you he thinks the correct situation is him doing more. Ask him how much he himself thinks is appropriate. Make him be specific about details. As long as it's him trying to figure out what a fair end result should be and you not pushing at all, from there it should be much easier to ask him to do specific tasks. Just don't focus on tasks at first, let him talk about outcomes. I seriously doubt if you ask for his opinion that he would honestly claim clothes staying on the ground is correct. Once it is him setting a reasonable standard for the outcome, it should be much easier to involve him in the process to get there.

[kikino]

Flip the sex's and thats where I was with ex's.
They didn't care and wondered why I didn't cook a full meal for them too?
I went to class, worked, back to class and then would go back to work to finish things up, all in one day.
They were in and out of the apt, had chances to help but didn't.
Its a personal level of cleanlyness. Yes neither of us are our moms and such. So they didn't care.
Im not OCD but I like things clean and organized but probably not to your standards.
When they want to help out they will other wise don't try to push your clean standards on someone else.
If you want get a maid so that helps alleviate some of your stress. Other wise with a busy schedule as you mentioned, it will cause riffs thats become bigger issues.
Could also try to lower your clean standards below OCD, but that would be changing yourself.
Its a some what tuff situation but talk with your boyfriend and be open about it causing you stress and anxiety.
"Relationships are two way streets that need to willing drivers" -Kikino

[SueShe]

My suggestion is that you write down ever single chore that need to be accomplished on a daily or weekly basis.

Write down each chore on a separate piece of paper and fold the paper in such a way that it cannot be differentiated from another paper with another chore.

Then you place all the folded papers in a bin and do a drawing, just like one would do for a lottery or other game. Make sure that there are an even number of papers in the bin. Each one then draws a paper and what is written on that paper becomes the daily/weekly chore for that person. Each one selects one paper after the other until all papers have been selected. Once the bin is empty, those chores will be the ones that need to be performed by each individual.

However, you can include reward papers and whoever draws a reward paper is also given a time whatever is written on the paper. This way, you make it challenging and hopefully acceptable to your boyfriend.

[Alwayreckles93]

Try on becoming a minimalist , It is much easier to clean. I am not ocd but I do like it clean I cleaned everything with bleach. Less clutter the better.

[horatiohornblower]

It sounds like he would keep it clean but just to his standards of clean. If you have higher standards. Then you'll need to do the cleaning for those standards.

I'm a neat freak and have done most of the cleaning with anyone I've lived with. Since my first roommates. I learned long ago to just give up on bothering others to meet my standards.

I just get them to be not quite so inconsiderate about making messes. Simple things like toss your dirty dishes in the sink, don't leave your dirty clothes on the floor, waste in the trashcan and use a coaster. Basically, work out ways that takes little or no more effort then they are currently doing. To put their dirty items in designated spots. It'll make life easier for you if there's more containment.

[DaveJord]

Well I struggled with the same exact scenario in my first marriage. She was OCD, and I worked my tail off all day on the job.

I am far from messy, but I am not OCD. Honestly we got divorced. We were just different types of people. I could not take the knit picky stuff all the time. And she eventually hated me for not careing enough about her to care about all the knit picky things she wanted me to cared about. We were not a good match.

It eventually turns into the classic ground hogs day argument. If love you pick up more, and will think if you'd me you would be so hard on me... and it just spins and spins.

[hahahmm]

How OCD are we talking? Required you to wear two pairs of rubber gloves to pour a glass of water? ha ha. I'm a little OCD... but seems normal to me like thinking people should wash their hands before cooking kind of thing

[DaveJord]

@hahahmm see that's part of it... the slight OCD. Its tricky, because its not right out there in your face. It just is so normal to you, you assume every one is the same way. And honestly its not over the top weird, its not even like its abnormal either.

So she would never drink out of same glass or share a bottle of water, because of germs. But we traded bodily fluids every day. She'd get up set that I left folded shirts on top of "my" dresser and not put them inside a drawer. Or She'd see dirt on floor and want the entire house swept on Thursday... I'd say not I'll do it Saturday and She'd get up and do it herself and be angry that I didn't care or appreciate a clean house.

I could go on. Early on in the marriage it wasn't a thing. Over time she got more and more upset over feeling that I forced her to repress her beliefs in normal cleanliness, or lack of respect in her feelings.. and then all the simple things became increasingly weird to me. And my feelings on everything secondary. By the end I kept all cloths in the guest room bathrooms and she was never allowed in tge room. We had separate bathrooms. Of course she said she never forced me to do that, that did those things on my own. True, but I just got tried of hearing it all the time about everything from tooth brush splatter to rinsing the toilet brush after use.

[hahahmm]

So it sounds like she hid her ideas/ocd stuff from you and gradually revealed more and more. That's not cool but yeah, some people do that. Also no compromises by her, I guess.

[DaveJord]

@hahahmm She'd say no compromise by me.

[AviatorTom]

Give him a short list of chores that he can do and that you will accept what he does, no matter if that's the way you would do it or not.

That probably means don't give him any cleaning chores. Your OCD will drive you, and him, nuts.

I know. My SO is OCD when it comes to cleaning. There is no way I can clean good enough for her/ So she does all the cleaning... she complains that she ahs to do everything, which isn't true, and I just listen to her complaint. I do other chores that she can live with the way I do them, like loading the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, getting things down from the attic when needed, paying bills.

First rule of delegation (for your boyfriend or anyone else you ask to do something for you):
You must accept what they do. If you know in advance that you won't, then don't ask them to do it. Do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sit down and talk about it with him. Have a real heart to heart. Don't approach it in a "demanding" way (or don't have that tone or start a fight), but more telling him how you feel and what you'd like once and a while. If you don't, this is only going to "fester" inside you and become worse. But you also have approach it in a compromising/caring type way, not in a demanding "you don't do this" type of way. Otherwise his defenses are going to come up and he's likely only to get angry and upset. Especially when he's working so much because he's tired likely and things like that are the last thing he wants to do or that is on his mind. But if you simply tell him how you feel and that a couple of simple things would make you feel so much better, he'll probably work on it just to make you happy because he cares. But also keep in mind his side and how he feels, working all that, if it were you, would you feel like doing any of those things? lol So just calmly talk and compromise.

[hahahmm]

This is why more and more men are fed up with women. The guy is working ALL THE TIME trying to build a future while you sit around getting upset that the toilet didn't clean itself when you were sitting on your azz for 8 hours watching Netflix and pretending to study for school.

[Bhhahuanajhaunanaba]

You have to highlight it in a way that is not aggressive.


Explain in succinct language that it needs to be done and ask “are you going to help? I did it last time and it’s fair to share work”


If he doesn’t respond to that, do it again.


After a while dump his man child ass

[crazy8000]

The question is if you should have your own place because of your issues and that you have problems with his way of keeping a home and prioritizing.

It's very common for people with certain issues to have their own place even if they are in a relationship. just to make it work.

Forcing or trying to make others to be/do like you see fitt doesn't work in a relationship in the long run. no matter how entitled or how right we think we are.

[Curmudgeon]

"Since my boyfriend is working pretty much all the time - sometimes 8 days a week from as early as 9 to as late as 8pm" - and on that note, you should just STOP, endure what needs to be done, and wait for him to finish school. Seriously.

[Robert123456789]

Does he have any free time to help given he is working such long hours?
Maybe you can calculate his work hours versus your chore hours and see. If you are doing more hours total he can help a bit more

[Jay3344]

Maybe make it fun to clean. Music and some light flirting could help. I used to like cleaning when I lived with people when we made a group activity. It would get done quickly and we would all do it together.

[RichSD]

Stop trying to change him. It's your OCD and he's doing the vast majority of the work now, maybe you shoud be a little less uptight about it if you're going to be so lazy.

[Miristheiss]

These are married problems.

You are foolish to be living together.

[hahahmm]

Good point. But if she lived alone... she might starve to death, it sounds like... with her in bed all day, every day, trying not to be stressed.

[bamesjond0069]

you're nuts. he's supposed to do his masters and work full time and make you a proper home cooked meal because you can hardly get out of bed? 🙄

[Uptowngirl88]

That's why you don't live with your boyfriend. You're giving him wifey perks without the commitment/ring. You're an idiot sorry

[t-8900]

Sad but true. I understand because if financial constraints things like this can happen but... at least have him present a ring and out it in at least. Ideally with marriage already set within the next 3-4 months. Thats like a bare minimum. For me I'm moving very far away to be with my girl and bringing a ring with me but we will need to cohabitate or I'll be out in my ass until I find work in that location. I'll have money saved up to cushion myself and don't expect her paying for it cleaning for me. But I do kinda need that roof over my head. Sleeping in the rain doesn't sound very appealing to me. 👀

[Freespirit777]

They used to say why buy the cow if the milk is free. When you live together, it is too easy to kick the other to the curb. This is a lot of drama. It is better for men than women. If the woman gets pregnant she is stuck with the child and the man just walks away free.

[t-8900]

@Freespirit777 true stuff. We need fidelity laws. idc what anyone says. It would make things better for family units. If you want a poly or open marriage you sign off on that. But leaving a mother to fend for herself with a kid you left behind or her forcing another guy's kid on you when she lied about who's it was is grimey af and in those cases there needs to be clean breaks and punishments.

[Uptowngirl88]

Exactly!!

[Curmudgeon]

If he is working hard to get through grad school, she should really back off.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are both in school and he is working as well. Are you working to help pay for the cost of living as well?

[fred_durst]

ask him to quit his job so he has enough energy to do that

[Alwayreckles93]

Why should he quit his job and loose money only because the princess does not feel like cleaning and expects someone else to do the cleaning for them.

[Hallo626262]

No he shouldn't support your OCD. Psychiatrist time again!

[Anonymous]

Try sitting him down and talking to him
when it comes dinner maybe both of you can prepare dinner together, might make him see how good it can be to make your own meal rather than buy takeaway or frozen food

[hahahmm]

Uh, but she's stuck in bed all the time. She'd tell him he has to cook for her. Must be like one of those situations where a person stays in bed for years and their lover is giving them $50 worth of fast food each day.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me like your dealing with a lot of Internal Issues. Are you sure you even need to be in a relationship?

[Homer79]

By not doing. Let’s see if says something. Then you bring it up.

[hahahmm]

I'm sure that will go over really well when he's working 7 days/week and she's in bed watching Netflix, getting fat and being bitchy