My boyfriend lacks self discipline (self care, diet, not in shape, not clean etc) am I sexist for not wanting to do it with him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is very good to me. But he's overweight. It bothers me not so much his body because I deeply find him attractive. But it's the mindset that bothers me.

I am disabled with lupus so I'm sick often. Still I make it a very conscious effort to stick to a healthy diet, work out, do chores etc.

He's unemployed right now due to some unforseen occurrences. And honestly I don't even care about money I love him that much I have my own place he has a house his dad is living in and he's living with his mom.

It just bothers me all day he plays video games or on the phone with me the past 6 months. As we are long distance couple in separate countries at the moment.

All he does is shower me with I love you I love you. Which I'm grateful for. I love him too.

I just feel frustrated like im the only one who introduced him to Bible study or moisturizing or I don't know exfoliating his face Or meditation.

It's not about the shallow outside. It's the mindset behind self care. Self discipline.

Key word is self. But he feels like I should do it with him. And to me that's a drag because he should cultivate this desire on his own. I don't mind pointing him in the right direction. But it's the doing it together that I don't know why it's so exhausting.

I brought up he's a man. Now he thinks I'm old fashioned

I didn't mean it to put him down. I just thought men didn't like to be nagged or mothered by their women. Or like coddled or chastised. That's why I only suggest it to him or encourage him instead of doing it with him which feels like hand holding.

Please help I don't think im superficial im just trying to encourage him to develop certain mental attitudes that will help him in life long term. Because I was born with a predispositioned illness. Out of my control.

It sort of bothers me u can be so young and do nothing but eat bad and no exercise.

He feels it's lazy to suggest and encourage without teaching.

I feel it's lazy to rely on me when it's self care for a reason.

[Anonymous]

I understand your frustrations, it's hard when you see the small things that a person can to do better themselves and they choose not to do it. I It's understandable that as a woman you're looking for a guy that is going to be take care and be able to commit himself to something and do it whether rain or shine. The best thing that you can do is start to ask him a few questions, regarding this area. Ask him about his goals, dreams, and future plans. You may find that there's something lying under the surface that is discouraging him from wanting to do better for himself. If that is the case, try to encourage him and be very tactful when speaking on it. Nevertheless, this will give you a good idea of where his head is at and if he wants to better himself and if he's truly a hard working individual. What you're saying is true, as fun as it may be to do self care with someone else, we should all want better for ourselves. Oh, and it's not just you being old fashioned. I hope that this helped in some way :)

[Asker]

I just want to thank u for taking the time out to answer and really understand it helped us so much. I did exactly what u said I talked to him and I learned his living situation is very stressful and I think it does affect him mentally that he's out of work right now he's used to making a lot of money and has been unemployed since December because the economy is bad and once we talked more I learned his family is kind of toxic to be around.

Like he has a house but he's letting his dad live there etc.

Thank u I feel happier we talked it out and we've been exercising together. Even tho it's hard. I don't want him to feel codependent on me. I agree it's good to get him started on a routine and he can continue it on his own later. He admitted he needed a little help. And I don't mind sometimes I feel a little unmotivated but I'm not used to having someone encourage me. It's all new but it's good he's learning self care learning mental health and that's okay.

We all have things to bring to the table. And if I can bring this to him to learn that's okay. Since he is so loving and affectionate and thoughtful and considerate and protective of me I realized he brings a lot too. He's always trying new things out and seems to like them we have a lot of hobbies in common. It felt nice to be validated thank you again for helping me open my mind a little toward the situation

[Opinion Owner]

No problem! I’m so happy to hear that you were able to grow in understanding your partner. I myself am in a long distance relationship and know just how difficult it can be trying to understand your partner while not being able to see them in person everyday.

Now that you know what’s contributing to his current state, now you two will be able to work around it and find a happy place. It’s nice of him to let his dad stay with him. I can feel where you’re coming from when you say that you don’t want him to be codependent upon you. Hopefully through seeing the benefits that exercising will have on him, it’ll motivate him to do it on his own as well. Wow, I’m glad to hear that he was able to admit to needing a little help. It shows that he wants change and is willing to do it, but he just needs a little push.

Once again, I’m so glad that I could be of help. God bless you two! I hope that it all works out in the end :)

[spartan55]

Why are you so against doing some of those things together?

[LazerBean]

Not at all. That's the whole point of dating, to find someone who you are compatible with and do not have any major differences with. Since clearly that is not the case here, it is time to move on.

[BrendanAy]

When men are overweight, society doesn't care. Eg. Sumo wrestlers, boxers, weightlifters. When women are overweight, no one wants them.